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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel unhappy at DH remark?

172 replies

lolaflores · 13/09/2011 16:48

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

OP posts:
LoveBeingAMummyAgain · 13/09/2011 16:50

I don't get the problem tbh

Gissabreak · 13/09/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

eurochick · 13/09/2011 16:53

It was maybe not sensitive but it is right that you are more likely to be able to afford a big house on two wages than you are on one.

However, he should realise that in this market with several years out of the workforce, it might not be as easy as just making the decision to go back to work.

On the subject of going back to work being "benefit neutral" a friend of mine is actually paying to go back to work (i.e. childcare is more than her salary) but by going back she will maintain her skillset and keep her pension so she is taking a long term view that while it might be benefit neutral in the short term it will pay off long term.

ViviPru · 13/09/2011 16:55

You're just being sensitive. I'm supporting us financially while my DP starts his business. He's always pointing out fancy cars and other trinkets and I say 'get yourself a job and you can buy one' even though we're both fundamentally on the same page with our current situation, its timeframe and end goal - I'd be mortified if he jacked it all in and got an ordinary job.

Unless he's made other comments and you suspect he's seriously hinting, I'd just shrug it off.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 13/09/2011 16:55

I don't think there was anything insensitive about his comment; it seemed just a matter of fact statement about trade-offs, most of us face them at some point or other.

squeakytoy · 13/09/2011 16:57

YABU.. if he had said "if you get off your lazy arse and make a contribution to our finances we can have that house" then you would be right to get the hump, but he was simply stating a fact. Unless you think he should increase his workload or change a job to earn more while you carry on staying at home. :)

ENormaSnob · 13/09/2011 16:58

Yabu

maybe it's time to get a job.

peggotty · 13/09/2011 16:59

It's seems to me that you are saying that anything you would do would not provide enough for you to actually afford a large, beautiful house but your dh was perhaps being snidey? Is that why you think you might have the hump? Do you think he would like you to perhaps do more than 'just a job' and this is his way of expressing it? You should sit down and have a discussion about both of your expectations tbh.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2011 16:59

I can see that you have taken his remark to mean that you are not pulling your weight financially - but it could be taken several ways. He could just mean that since you are (I presume) managing on one wage, the entire second wage would be available to e.g. buy a bigger house. I don't see how his remark means you ditch a career and get "just a job" instead.

I'm guessing either DD2 going to school is leaving you feeling superfluous and therefore sensitive to any reference to your employment status; or that there have been more comments/discussions that have been rather pointed?

Original poster
lolaflores · 13/09/2011 17:00

I get that a bigger income will mean stuff within our reach. I just wonder how he has simplified things so much. As eurochick says, a stagnant work force, a certain timidity at returning after a while out. I don't see it as that easy. I do feel out of the loop and a bit creaky. But, I want to go to work for me not for a bigger mortgage. Like I said, I am unsure if I am being precious or not. Possibly am. Bit jealous about the lack of interuption to the smooth course of his career. But I did offer to do it. Where is the medal?

OP posts:
KittyFane · 13/09/2011 17:22

SAHM = full-time job when DC are at home.

Full-time no longer when they are all at school.

It seems like your DH is just saying that if you worked away from the home now that the DC are at school you would both earn enough to pay a bigger mortgage.

I don't understand why you are annoyed.

As for 'going back to work for me' hmm.. Yes, precious - sorry :(

Tuppenyrice · 13/09/2011 17:39

I hear you girl!
I would've also heard the inference you obviously heard. That of you having luxury of being the dogsbody but if u pulled your finger out you could afford x y z.

But as the other ladies say, probably best to shrug it off for now or confront and tell him it hurt.

pictish · 13/09/2011 17:41

A bit over sensitive aincha?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/09/2011 18:09

"I just wonder how he has simplified things so much."
Because his attention was split between conversation and driving? I think you may be being a bit precious. But look at it positively, it's got you thinking about what you want to do.

FlubbaBubba · 13/09/2011 18:14

Possibly he could have chosen his timing better, but the sentiment makes sense. Sounds to me like he's been thinking about it and not got around to talking to you about it.

Oggy · 13/09/2011 18:17

I think it sounds matter of fact as well. As in, if you like that it is not out of our reach, but you would need to be working (that would have been a slightly better way of wording it, but some people are just blunter and shorter than others).

It's the type of thing my husband would say, but not with a "get back to work you lazy cow" meaning, it's just his manner.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 18:20

I think he was a bit blunt, but I agree with him

HuwEdwards · 13/09/2011 18:22

Agree with the fucker. It's all about choices.

ihatecbeebies · 13/09/2011 18:22

YABU and he has a valid point, get a job and you could have that lovely house.

upahill · 13/09/2011 18:23

YABU.
I don't think your DH was insensitive.
Like others have said if you liked the bigger house (and it may have just been said wistfully) the reality probably is you will need a bigger mortgage and probably more money to pay for it if you don't want to sacrifice every spare penny you may now have.

HappyMummyOfOne · 13/09/2011 18:23

I dont see anything wrong with the comment either, he's probablt assumed you would naturally look for work now that there is no need to be home and not earning.

bemybebe · 13/09/2011 18:24

Do you feel bad about yourself about not returning to work sooner and keeping up your career path "warm"? I ask because you come across bitter and resentful.

IF true I think you should be honest with him and tell him what you feel about the comments. He might not have reaslized the way you feel about your lost earnings power...

said · 13/09/2011 18:26

What were your plans about returning to work before he made the remark? Has he just not touched a raw nerve ie you have no real reason to stay at home now?

I also think most people "want to go to work for me" Who wouldn't? But most don't.

MrsCampbellBlack · 13/09/2011 18:27

Oh its hard.

I'm a SAHM and youngest still only 2 but we're starting to discuss what will happen when all the dc's will be at school.

I won't have worked from quite a few years and the though of finding a decent part-time job is pretty daunting. DH doesn't get that my confidence has been eroded a bit professionally speaking and thinks its pretty easy - eg, 'just start your own business' is his advice - because of course its that easy.

Anyway - I get where your DH is coming from but also understand that its a bit daunting for you. Good luck.

Whatmeworry · 13/09/2011 18:33

YABU in that he was stating hard facts, YANBU in that he was probably being insensitively blunt and not seeming to give credit for what you'd been doing for 5 years.