Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

to feel unhappy at DH remark?

172 replies

lolaflores · 13/09/2011 16:48

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

OP posts:

thetasigmamum · 14/09/2011 18:17

lolaflores You want a medal??? Dream on.

If anyone is insensitive, I'd say it was you. Presumably your DH is working hard to pay for everything, and there you are demanding more and more. Where is his medal?

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 18:20

nah,you see i can outsource to baby farm and maintain my career
win-win

fedupofnamechanging · 14/09/2011 18:35

Think I missed the bit where the OP was demanding more and more [sceptical]. Sometimes I wonder if we are all reading the same thread

fedupofnamechanging · 14/09/2011 18:37

One day I will master the smileys. Am obviously too thick for work

thetasigmamum · 14/09/2011 18:51

karmabeliever I responded to the original few posts, which made me really angry actually, especially the 'where is my medal' comment. The first post certainly read as a demand for more - she wants a better shinier bigger whatever house. And given her DH's comment it was clearly the sort of house that is outside their means. So how, exactly, without her going out to earn some money too, did she think they were going to be able to afford it?

There are an awful lot of massive senses of entitlement out there. I'd love to be a stay at home parent. I don't have that option. Staying at home with your kids is not something worthy of a medal - it's a reward in itself.

Bogeyface · 14/09/2011 19:02

FFS she didnt say she wanted it, she said she LIKED it. I like Aston Martins but I dont want one! How on earth did you make the jump from her saying it was nice to her demanding more and more and wanting "a bigger shinier whatever house" when she has never actually said that?

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 14/09/2011 19:05

theta - I'm sorry you aren't happy, but you are just sounding as resentful as you are painting the OP

Being a SAHM can be soul-destroying at times.

scottishmummy · 14/09/2011 19:05

well fact is if you want more goodies stop being a housewife,get 2 wages
and if you coo over a nice house and want one,then it will require 2 wages
quite straightforward really

NinkyNonker · 14/09/2011 19:08

Bloody hell, the medal comment was sarcastic! Very obviously! Am I reading a different thread to others? Where has she suggested she wants more and more? We were out in the forest the other day and I was commenting on some of the properties, doesn't mean I was expecting DH to buy me one! Blimey.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/09/2011 19:08

The OP was idly admiring a nice house. I do that every time I watch property porn on tv. Of course she would like it, but that is very different to demanding it or expecting her dh to provide more money to pay for it. It was just a passing thought.

It's lovely if you genuinely have a choice regarding SAH or WOH. It is rewarding on many levels, but at the same time it is not always easy or fun and does come with risks (that your relationship will go tits up and you are financially vulnerable, that you won't be able to get your old career back) and sacrifices (pension, salary, career development). I don't think anyone really wants a medal - I took that to be tongue in cheek, but they do want their spouses to appreciate that it's not all beer and skittles and to acknowledge that they, as a WOHP with a SAHP have benefitted from the arrangement too.

I think it comes down to not feeling as if what they did was valued in the same way that making money would have been.

Original poster

lolaflores · 15/09/2011 07:40

You know what, I think when people read threads, they switch off an empathy button. There are folk here hunting for threads where they can wade in and drag their "ideals" behind them. I am looking at you scottish mummy. You have added nothing to this discussion except snotty references to getting off ones behind if you want more goodies.

As a couple of other posters have said, I did not at any time demand anything. I merely said...look at that nice house. Yeah? Have you got that now? Has that penetrated any of your smug self satisfaction? I am not you, I do not think my life is enhanced by loads of stuff. It really isn't. Which is why I have been happy at home some of the time, as I do not crave alot of shit which everyone keeps telling me I need. I want to work to stop my fucking mind seizing up, to feel like an adult again. To stop the world telling me that being at home sometimes for extended periods, with an under 5 is satisfying on all levels. It isn't. It has its wonder moments, but there are days when I sit on the floor ad weep.

So if this is a thread about work, fine, that is another discussion seperate from wanting to gorge financially. The two things are different.

OP posts:

hairylights · 15/09/2011 07:51

Yabvu. Vu indeed.

hairylights · 15/09/2011 07:52

"baby farm"!? You bloody idiot!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/09/2011 08:04

Lola, I think you sound lovely, and I hope I didn't come across as meaning anything else upthread. It's the fear of this huge change that's the issue, and I do think it caused you to misinterpret your DH, who also sounds lovely.

Now that you've said he worked overseas very frequently, I can also agree that you finding a job is really not going to be simple at all. I mean, not that it ever is, but that makes it very hard. When my DH and I talked about work/life setup, he acknowledged upfront that his work pattern made it almost impossible for me to also have a career if we wanted children, and that most of his colleagues' wives had been out of the workforce for so long due to the same thing that they really found it put a strain on the marriage when the children were older.

Our solution was that he changed jobs, but I realise that's not possible for most people. I'm only really saying it because yes, of course it's true that it's just not so simple for you to go out and get a job, and this point, where your youngest is now in school, is very hard on you because of that.

emmyloo2 · 15/09/2011 09:36

Lola, I have read your later responses and I do feel for you. I think perhaps your sensitivity to his remark came from your own loss of confidence in employability and self worth and that is completely understandable. After all, you put your career on the back burner so he could maintain his and that is a huge sacrifice. So it is understandable to feel frustrated when you then feel like you are being judged or criticised for your inability to slip right back into the workforce. Men do have it easier in this regard.

I think if you can return into the workforce in a job which you think will be reaosonably easy for you then this would be a good start. I don't know your background but could a more simple admin job be an easy start for you? That way you can build your confidence slowly. Because I am quite sure that once you were back into the swing of being back into work, your confidence would come back. It's just making that first step. It all seems harder from the outside.

It really is a hard and lonely job being home with young children. I stayed at home with my baby for 3.5 months before returning to work full time and I can tell you it was an escape to go back to work.

So my advice, and feel free to ignore it, is take that first step back into employment, even if it is not directly in your field of expertises. Just to get your foot back in the door.

Does that make sense?

BranchingOut · 15/09/2011 10:14

The OP has explained the historical reasons why she is not in work:

DH's job is not family friendly, my area offers mostly FT positions and althought spout equal opportunities and felxibility, when I wanted PT hours following maternity, so sorry no can do. The needs of the service were the over riding issue and I didn't argue cos I felt so let down by them.

I think there are some very tactless posters on this thread.

MrsTittleMouse · 15/09/2011 10:15

Is no-one allowed to have a bit of a moan on Mumsnet any more? I thought that getting it all out in an anonymous rant - and thereby keeping sane in real life - was one of the chief reasons to be on this site.

We had massive fertility problems. We were exceptionally lucky, because we now have not one, but two, healthy children. I will always be very, very grateful for them. Does this mean that they don't drive me bonkers sometimes when they are both screaming at me, after keeping me up half the night? No, of course not. It doesn't mean that I love them any the less, or that I'm any the less appreciative of them.

I actually think that it's unhealthy to be in a permanent state of gratitude. It certainly didn't help my mental health when I felt like crap for the entire pregnancy, and felt extremely guilty that I wasn't in a constant state of joy that the treatment had worked. And it wouldn't do my children much good if I never got grumpy with them, no matter how whingy and naughty they were.

Here endeth the lesson for today.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 15/09/2011 16:35

good post and good advice emmyloo- exactly how I felt.

scottishmummy · 15/09/2011 19:00

lola does snotty mean i had temerity to not agree with you?
did i fail to coo at your dilemma?
you see you may be the op but threads develop lola and it isnt all about you anymore have you commented on digressions that you feel were affirmative to you?

you have found yourself bored frustrated and scared about re-entering workforce as result of sahm.and undoubtedly that is a gamut of emotions . and thats the risk any woman who completely gives up work takes.and yes i did comment on that phenomena

Original poster

lolaflores · 16/09/2011 07:22

well scottish mummy, if you had posted a response that reflected that thought, rather than the toffee nosed remark you made, then perhaps I would have given more consideration to your opinion.

As it appeared to me, you gave not a fig for anyone elses opinions. And by the by, there are no risks for returning to work? Each choice comes with its problems. But, it is not all about wanting lots of lovely things.

If I have posted an opinion on Mumnet, I do not expect a standing ovation and bouquets. I want to hear what people think. They may not all agree, but I don't see how being a smart arse helps anyone. feel free to disagree and help me work through things, don't be a bitch!

OP posts:

scottishmummy · 16/09/2011 17:49

oh?you only wanted acolytes and praise on aibu
and im a bitch for posting
oh silly me,see i thought on aibu there was scope for yabu and expansion on that

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 16/09/2011 17:53

sm - she's not saying that. The last line of your last post suggests you have more empathy than you displayed earlier on. There's just something about this topic which seems to set you off on a wind-up. I say this as someone who has been on MN a long time and has a lot of time for you.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread