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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel unhappy at DH remark?

172 replies

lolaflores · 13/09/2011 16:48

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:38

are you surprised, MrMan ?

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:42

Upahill. I didnt have a clue. We did everything 50/50 pre kids, and he assured me that he wouldnt change that when I was a SAHM during mat leave and when I went back to work. I had no reason not to believe that, none at all, he had never been an arsehole about his share of the housework before. He was enthusiastic about doing things for DD and said that he could do the nursery run as he started after and finished before me.

WRONG!!!! Oh so fucking wrong.

He was due to have 3 weeks off after DD was born, he went back after 10 days because he was needed (apparantly). And within a week of that was moaning that his shirts werent ironed for him (he had previously done his own ironing) because I was at home and doing mine so surely it wasnt so hard for me to do his too. and so it went on. I never did do his ironing, infact I stopped doing anything for him for the last 6 months before I could leave. But i had to do EVERYTHING else for the house if I didnt want to live in a shit hole and for DD. On top of working full time, longer hours than him. I would walk in and he would be sitting on his arse watching telly, he could have picked up DD but he would refuse to. She would need a bath and bed, but I had to do that whilst he would moan in the background that he was hungry and what was for tea. I got PND and got signed off worked and he said I was lazy. DD was barely 6 months old, I went back when she was 3 months as we needed the money (he was a selfish twat about his money too it turned out). When he said that, I made the decision to leave and 6 months later I did. It almost killed me as I had to go back to work to save the money up to leave but OMG it was worth it!

He morphed from Mr Wonderful into Mr Cunt the second the placenta came out :(

StopRainingPlease · 13/09/2011 22:44

I find it hard to judge from your OP how serious your DH was being, or the tone in which it was said.

But I do have sympathy with men who have sole financial responsibility for their families. Sure, SAHM's enable their work, by taking care of kids, doing chores etc. But SAHM's also, especially once the kids are at school, get more "me" time. (Apart from fanatical floor-scrubbers and oven-cleaners).

"Going back to work for me"... hmm, sorry but that sounds pretty self-indulgent to me. How many breadwinners get to do this? Is your husband working "for himself"? Does he love his job? Would he like a different one? Does he get any choice here? Maybe he'd love a bigger house and knows the only way to get one is if you start earning. I know several men who go to work to put food on the table, don't particularly enjoy their jobs, and resent funding their wives' lifestyles.

Just saying...

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 22:45

That's awful Bogeyface. Glad to hear you are out of there.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:46

it happens, bogey, quite a lot I think

am glad he is your ex

upahill · 13/09/2011 22:47

Blimey bogeyface!! That's shit.
Sorry.

MrMan · 13/09/2011 22:50

AF, not at all. Though we may not all agree 100% on what is 'worth defending'

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:51

Thanks :)

Its odd though, I wonder whether it was the shock of fatherhood that caused it because since we split he has never seen DD and has always fought tooth and nail about paying maintenance (selfish with money, remember?!). But he has 4 kids with his second wife and they have been together for almost 15 years, so either she is the ultimate mug, or he is happy to do his share with her. Perhaps me going from financially independent (and generally independent) to financially and generally more dependent was more than he could cope with?

Not defending it, at all, just musing. He is still No 1 in my "Cunts Gallery" and I hope he rots in hell for abandoning DD. Bastard.

ChristinedePizan · 13/09/2011 22:54

I know so few couples where both parties work and the shitwork is evenly divided it is wholly depressing. I even have a friend who works full time and her DH doesn't work (so is in effect a SAHP. Despite the children being at school, he doesn't do the washing, the cleaning, or even the shopping. Instead he goes to his allotment and quite often forgets to take the children to their after school clubs because he is so involved in weeding carrots.

I honestly can only think of two couples among my close friends where the men do any of the shit work (and that includes taking care of the kids).

And most of these women would consider themselves to be feminists

Sorry, that's a bit of an off-topic rant

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:56

Includes taking care of the kids....shit work

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 22:58

It's the deal you make though StopRaining. I don't think there are a vast number of SAHMs living an extravagant lifestyle or parked on the sofa eating chocolates all day. If there is only one wage coming in, money tends to be tight for a lot of people.

When one person gives up work, there are sacrifices involved regarding loss of income/promotion/pension. The wohp needs to remember that. Yes, they are working hard to put food on the table, but the sahp is also working hard, making sacrifices and might not be enjoying every aspect of their day either.

Lots of people become sahp because it works best for their families and sometimes they can't afford to work, but a lot of the day to day activity is not any more fun than going out to work.

If a man has benefitted from having a sahp he can't suddenly decide to change the rules they both agreed to because it no longer suits him quite so much.

weaselbudge · 13/09/2011 22:58

Hear what you're saying. I'm in same situation - gave up career to bring up kids (and support DH's career) which will be nigh on impossible to go back to when kids go to school. I would be peed off if thought DH made snidey comment. Tell him that you will go back to work in a "job" when he does 50% of all housework/childcare/school pick ups to enable you to do so.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 23:01

I know quite a few men who do their fair share of house work and child care

I know quite a few who are absolutely selfish, lazy, sexist shits

I think there are some imbetween too

MrMan · 13/09/2011 23:02

We are obviously way off-thread here. But I would like to say that I work bloody hard to take care of my kids as much as I can, and I have several friends who do the same. I understand the need to gripe about DHs who do not pull weight. But please know that it may not be as rare as you think that there are those who do (and PS we can also be faithful and emotionally supportive).

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 23:03

I should say that current H (may yet be an ex, see my posts on relationships ;-) ) is a total star when it comes to sharing childcare and housework etc. Infact he will do the lions share when my health problems put me in too much pain. Shame about the other thing really.....

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 23:06

PS we can also be faithful and emotionally supportive

Blimey, I had heard that there was one man in the world that could do that, and you're him! Nice to have "met" you :o

weaselbudge · 13/09/2011 23:07

Stop raining. SAHM's may get more "me time" when kids at school but has ANY SAHM with kids 3 and under EVER managed to have me time????? I haven't even been to the loo in peace for 3 years. DH on the other hand gets to s**t in his office loo in private, has trips to pret a manger, and sometimes even gets to sit on a train with a newspaper - LUXURY.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 23:10

bogey, there are quite a few of them you know

don't give him a gold medal for merely being a decent human being

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 23:17

Oh he doesnt get a Gold Medal, more of an approving nod :o

MrMan · 13/09/2011 23:17

Weasel, I have 3 small kids and DW is SAHM. I have told her that two evenings a week and one afternoon on the weekend she is banned from the house. She can go do whatever she wants so long as it doesn't involve the kids. I also take all responsibility for nighttime wake-ups.

Look, I am not trying to set myself up as a perfect example, God knows I give DW enough to put up with. But this business of 'SAHMs all inevitably suffer' is complete crap.

ChristinedePizan · 13/09/2011 23:17

MrMan (incidentally the name of my DS's imaginary friend :o), I honestly do know men like you. Lots and lots of them. But I know an awful lot of men who aren't. They are really perfectly nice blokes if you met them in the pub or something but I wouldn't want to live with any of them.

DoMeDon - there is fun looking after kids and then there is the dull stuff. Making sure they have their stuff ready for school, they eat their tea, they brush their teeth etc. That's the shit work. The men I'm talking about waft upstairs to read the bedtime story.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 23:21

MrMan, none of us saying that all SAHM mums suffer, just that more do than should, iykwim. In all seriousness, my H is very much like you in that he takes on his half of the kids, house etc with enthusiasm and pleasure. He has always made sure that he does his share to the point that often he does more than his share. But sadly there are a helluvalot of men that dont do that and are happy to carried through life by first their mother and then their wife.

weaselbudge · 13/09/2011 23:24

Yes Christine! When DH does muck in it's the FUN stuff leaving me "free" to wash dishes,clothes,faces, floors. Mr Man - I'm intrigued.. you sound great do you also do the shit work as defined by christine? Is tonight one of the nights your DW is out.. can i come round?

ChristinedePizan · 13/09/2011 23:28

:o weasel

Actually mrman - you sound extraordinarily considerate. Doing all the night shifts? Strewth!

MrMan · 13/09/2011 23:30

Weasel, yes I do the shit work. TBH though I really don't mind it. Maybe I am insane but I prefer spending time with my DC changing a dirty nappy than say watching tv.

No you can't come over.

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