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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel unhappy at DH remark?

172 replies

lolaflores · 13/09/2011 16:48

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

OP posts:
Gay40 · 13/09/2011 20:49

Get back to work. Too much time on your hands taking harmless comments to heart and dwelling on them.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 13/09/2011 20:53

What Karma said.

GetAwayFromHerYouBitch · 13/09/2011 20:54

good post, northernruth

OP - I can only speak for myself to say that, as someone who was a SAHM for 10 years, I know the same off-the-cuff remark (similar were made to me) would have rankled. In my case because
a) I had no clue what I wanted to do, and not much confidence and
b) it make it all sound so easy, and you fear the complications that will come, and the fact you might end up doing everything. In your case it sounds like you are resentful that the weight of domestic stuff has been solely on your shoulders.

Talk to him about what a return to work would really mean for the whole family.

Speaking for myself, I am much happier now I'm working, but the glittering high-earning career ain't going to happen.

Iwouldifihadthetime · 13/09/2011 20:55

Lol at Karma - good point well put!

ruletheworld · 13/09/2011 21:00

Haha.

I'm a SAHM mum to two pre-schoolers.

Looking for a part time job and had an interview for one that is 18.5 hours a week.

I explained to DH that they were flexible about the working pattern and wondered if they would allow me to do it over two very long days. "You can't do that" he said "that would mean a 10+ hour day for the DC, it's too long for them".

Did not OCCUR to him that perhaps HE might be required to pitch in and make sure he was home in time to collect them, just blithely assumed that I'd do the house stuff, the kids stuff AND the job.

Stupid thing is, I went back to work after DD1 and he had to change his hours. I think he's got VERY used to me being at home now.

Just an aside really!

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 21:28

why have all these women rocked up and started moaning about how all the household chores take so long ?

yes, they do

but why are you assuming that WOHM's would still have to do them all ?

has Feminism completely passed you by ? Confused

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 21:36

Surely it's about common sense too!?!

forehead · 13/09/2011 21:51

Get a job.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 21:57

Because AF alot of their OHs assume that their wives will cotinue to do the lions share and changing the status quo can take time! In my first marriage I worked longer hours than my H, did all of the housework, childcare out of hours, took time off for illness etc. Why? Because he flat out refused to. And yes, it was the main reason I left him but it still meant living like that for a long time before I was in a position to actually leave.

BranchingOut · 13/09/2011 21:59

I think you are right to feel annoyed about the way it was brought up and I am surprised that more MNers don't understand why you are upset.

There you were, idly admiring something you were passing in the car and it has been turned into an implicit criticism of your role in the family. You were admiring the view, not making a purchase. It wasn't as if you were hunting for 'For Sale' signs, asking how much the houses cost or directing your DH to stop off at the nearest estate agent.

Suddenly you were brought up short and feeling as if the norms and expectations you have been living within have changed without any notice to you. You have had an explicit and, for a while now, tacit agreement about your relative roles in the family and suddenly he is withdrawing his support for your role. It's as if the 'you' you have been is suddenly not enough.

It is just as unreasonable as suddenly telling him that he should earn more so that you could think about buying a bigger house.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:00

Bogey, I am not disputing it happens. I know it does. I see it in RL, I see it time and time again on here.

Whenever I see it, I call it. In RL too.

It is grossly unfair and women should not be pressured into putting up with it.

I do not think there is anything wrong with pointing that out. Should we just ignore it ?

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 22:07

Other women came on saying she will do job and chores though bogey!?! Maybe men assume but it seems the women let them!

Surely it should make perfect sense that if you are WOHM you will have less time to darn socks or whatever the fuck people waste their time on Grin

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:13

I am not saying that we should ignore it at all, but calling people out on it doesnt always make a difference. If you are living with a man that refuses to pull his weight you have 2 options; live with it or leave. Thats why alot of women assume this will happen, because they know that they are living with a man who will expect them to.

Wrong, very wrong and in my case a complete dealbreaker, but still, it happens.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:15

There is, it seems, a very strong mindset even among women, that they are responsible for all the shitwork

and that men are not

it needs to change

piling in to a thread like this to say "ohhhh it all takes sooooo longggg and I just can't find the time if I work" helps no-one least of all yourself

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:17

I agree DoMe that in some cases its facilitated by women who allow this situation to occur simply because they assume the role of martyr. I was just pointing out that it isnt always the case. I do have limited sympathy for said martyrs as it is clear that many of them like to moan but would never actually allow their OHs to do anything constructive as they love being able to be....well a martyr. Too many martyrs there but you get the point :o

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:18

I know it does bogey, and if I had my way all those women would be helped to leave these selfish and self-entitled men

and society would stop reinforcing all this "women's work"

in the meantime, if pointing this out helps one woman to have a shift in her thinking, I would be happy

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:20

But as I said above, not all of those women want to leave. They actually enjoy being taken for a twat-- needed so much.

So I would probably have compulsory self esteem therapy then they wouldnt need help to leave!

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 22:22

Excellent post BranchingOut.

I think when one half of the couple has been a SAHP for a long time, the other partner gets very used to being able to focus on their career without compromise. There has been someone at home taking care of everything so they can work late/travel etc. Imo a lot of men don't think it through properly when they start making noises about their wives returning to work and are often not in the kinds of careers where they can leave on time to get to the CM, not travel because they have family commitments etc. In short, they want to have their cake and eat it. They want their wives to make a financial contribution (as if any other kind doesn't count), but would find it very difficult to then do their 50% child care and housework, so in effect they want their lives to go on much the same as before, but with extra money coming in.

Women tend to put up with this because they know it is very difficult for their partners to suddenly change the conditions under which they work. My DH's boss is used to my DH being able to do certain things. I doubt he'd be employed for very long if he suddenly decided he couldn't do those things because I was working too now and he had to be home.

I think WOH partners should properly consider whether they are willing and able to fully pull their weight with the dc and home, before making their SAH partners feel as if the only valuable contribution is a financial one. After all, they could only have the careers they had because someone else was at home taking care of everything else. I doubt my DH would have his current job if he'd told his boss that actually, no, he can't go abroad or to meetings hundreds of miles away because he has to collect the baby from nursery!

The OP's husband should put up or shut up.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:24

but self esteem therapy could be seen as "assistance" could it not ?

< re writes Government mandate > Grin

to be serious, I am also very well aware that some women don't mind doing all the shitwork, and some women are not in a position to change their circumstances even if they wanted to

there are lots of different scenarios here

bottom line though

women are not domestic slaves

the end

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 22:28

Yeah, alright smart-arse :o

And I agree, we were not born with mops in our hands. I suppose my main issue is that there are men who believe we were because their mothers taught them that this is the case. And women who do all of the "womens work" (said with tongue firmly in cheek) perpetuate this myth onto the next generation.

My original point was that some women genuinely dont have a choice, I didnt until I could leave. But it seems that we agree.....so this is rather pointless actually....[wanders off] :o

upahill · 13/09/2011 22:32

To those of you whose DH assumes you will pick up the slack, did you not have any clue before you got children, got married, gave up work/went back to work that this was going to be expected of you?
Did you not agree roles before commiting to anything? Did you not see how he behaved before you got to the point of no return?

I went out with a few blokes before settling with Dh knowing he was a decent fair bloke who respected his family.
The previous blokes I went out with I could see that they were going to be a bad bet over the long term.

Or did you just assume that everything would be ok?

I am amazed at the number of women that have to do it all.
I think there are limited circumstances where you could be expected to do more than what is deemed a fair share (DH ill/disabled or working away) but generally speaking what are you playing at?

We both do everything that needs doing - well the important stuff and don't stress the small things eg if we miss a days hoovering it doesn't matter.

I really think the comment from the OP's DH has proabably been blown out of proportion.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 22:32

Just to add that when my DH is home, I expect him to pull his weight. I will happily do more house stuff than him, but he does more than his fair share with the DC. I view what we each do as sensible division of labour, but I know he appreciates what I do, as I appreciate what he does. I think that is what makes the difference.

Given the choice I'm sure my DH would happily let me run around after him and would probably not think about it too much (people get used very quickly to being lazy), but I have been careful to not get into the position of treating him like one of the kids and doing too much stuff for him. That way he appreciates what I do and doesn't expect it or take me for granted.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 22:35

yes, Bogey we do agree, just coming at it from a slightly different angle

TheEarlOfDoncaster1963 · 13/09/2011 22:36

karmabeliever and Bogeyface - I'm with you. I'm a SAHM and am planning to try to get a PT job when youngest DS goes to preschool (but hours are limited so might be difficult), but will definitely be looking when he goes to school in 2013. At the moment I'm pretty much in charge of everything child-related, school, packed lunch, washing, picking up toys, playdates, clothes, birthdays etc.... the list goes on, as we all know too well. My DH travels a LOT with work and although it's a pretty flexible job when he's IN the country, when he's in Asia for three weeks there is no compromise - it's ME doing everything. So if I worked and then was ill, he couldn't take over at the drop of a hat, or come home early... it's not as simple as the delightful "get a job" posters seem to think.

Also, when the last job on your CV is in 2002, one's confidence is somewhat lowered and the thought of a job interview fills me with dread!

MrMan · 13/09/2011 22:36

OP... Is it possible that (a) DH was trying to be funny? Or (b) felt that you were pressuring him to be able to afford such a house / blaming him that you did not already have such a house?

Men can feel that they have the burden for the finances of the family, and that any shortcomings are all their fault.

Different note... a lot of posts on this thread show that MNers can and do see the male view, when it is actually worth defending (AnyF included).