to feel unhappy at DH remark?

[lolaflores]

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

I can see that, AF , if I'd had a career to leave. :)

I effed around in college and only went for a year as too expensive, especially if all you're going to do it party. The only "decent" job I ended up getting (and it barely kept me above the poverty line, so I use "decent" in the loosest possible terms) was working at a nursery. Later I became a nanny and then minded children at my house, so when I was going to have my own it made sense to stay with him while DH worked, because I was making crap anyway and my work was children as it was.

I did end up taking a few other courses and now work as a 1:1 aide at school, but I make half what DH does so it makes sense for me to work part time. (Til noon only, and I don't work during the summer months) We save on child care and I get to be home with DS, which I like.

But if I'd had a big, high-powered career I really loved? I don't know...

And yes to what Tortoise said.

It is a risk, that the relationship will go wrong etc. I may be delusional, but I do believe my dh would continue to look after our dc - he is a very good dad. If it came down to it though, I know I could get back to work, although it would be hard if I was suddenly a single parent.

The thing is, I couldn't live my life and make decisions on the basis that he might leave me. If it happened I would nail him to the floor deal with it.

I think it's important that women are capable of earning their own money, but it's all swings and roundabouts really. Whatever you do, you benefit in some ways and lose out in others.

Bogeyface, you do yourself and all women a dreadful disservice by using terms like 'farming out children'. It made me despair. But I get that you were angry when you posted that and are angry at your shitty ex.

I can't see the comment about 'doing nothing as a SAHM' that you refer to but I agree that that is of course hurtful bullshit.

I am with AnyFucker in that I have made sure I have my own career and money (though we consider it ours...unless he fucks me over then it's mine as I earn more! ).

We all have to take responsibility for our choices, whatever they are. The OP didn't seem to me to be doing that IMO.

And yes I do think she should get a job now that her children are older as I bet it would enrich her and the family's life.

It might not enrich her lifes though. Yes, I'm sure the money would be lovely, provided it doesn't get eaten up in breakfast and after school clubs and holiday care. I think it is only enriching if you have a partner who can/will do their fair share or earn so much you can afford to pay for help, so you don't get lumbered with the housework on top of a job.

Her family might value her being at home more than they would benefit from her being at work. Depends upon the family, really and the attitude/willingness of the partner to fully pull their own weight.

Yes agreed, Karma.

I didn't just mean financially rewarding - in fact I meant that least of all. I realise I am biased because I love my career and it brings me an awful lot of satisfaction.

But I am all for individual choices - most of my friends are or were SAHMs and I never once felt judged or unsupported by them.

I am very lucky in that I work in a profession that does not penalise maternity leaves (I took two, of a full year each) and where working PT affords you the same rights and priveliges as FT workers (pro rata of course)

I currently job share, working 2.5 days a week, even though both of mine are at high school.

Jobs are scarce (like they are in most fields these days). I would like more hours now purely for the money, but it isn't imperative for my career. I have worked in this pattern now for 15 years. If I needed to, I could get a FT job, not in my preferred specialism probably, but I could.

I have one eye on my pension now, so looking at options around that. There is absolutely no way I would have sacrificed that, plus using my hard-won skills, plus the satisfaction I get from my job. My kids were well looked after when they were young, by a mixture of family, nurseries and childminders. I have used just about every setting except a nanny, and I certainly never farmed them out

I could never have been a FT SAHM. It just wouldn't work for me. Horses for courses innit.

On the days I don't work, I do most of the shitwork. On the days I do work, I have high expectations that DH and also the kids do their fair share.

Sounds like you have it all worked out AF. Well done!

Like everyone else I expect he is feeling the pinch a bit. If I could get away with it I'd be sending my DC up chimneys right now

bemybebe all I need is a tape of my voice reminding the kids for the thousandth time to go clean the bathrooms and I am sorted

munches on chocolate while baby naps

Hehe. Sorry.

Ah, Any Fucker, I think you have the Holy Grail of work-life balance.

I think the problems arise when women run into issues on their return from maternity leave. eg. employer not willing to accommodate flexible working, spouse who works extremely long hours, a job with an endless workload that is difficult to cram into remotely reasonable hours etc. The woman then feels backed into a bit of a corner and it is the most logical decision to take some time out of the workplace. Then, when she looks around a few years later, those part-time jobs are hard to come by.

(Totally telling my own story there, btw)

The main issue is that this is a serious matter affecting the whole family and should be discussed as a couple, not as a throwaway remark in the car.

well everyone.
here is the update. i did perhaps neglect to make clear a few bits

I was not asking for a new house.
I have done voluntary work in my time at home.
I do see it as acceptable to have aspirtations for me when I return to work
I do see it as my choice to return to work, not cos DH sees fit to call the shots
I have always worked and had my own money
I am feeling a bit of a spare part now DD2 at school
I have been a working parent before and know what that brings
I have also been a FT working single parent
My husband does not fund "my lifestyle", I enhance his career in as much as he travels abroad for work frequently.
I believe women get the shit end of both bargains and no one will every get a state of total agreement between both groups. But we women have got to stop shitting on each other from such a height. Let the men do that.
I have sent my CV out to some agencies and wait with baited breath.
I do not hold out any confidence that a path will be beaten to my door.
Did I mention the arthritis and mood disorder? Mmmmm

that is all for now

Next year when my youngest starts school I'll be able to work and we'll be able to afford nicer things.

I wouldn't take offence. I LOVE house spotting, I'm a day dreamer. DH is a realist AND the only person in this house earning the money (though the decision for me to be a SAHM was agreed by both of us, I really didn't have much of a choice at first as I lost my job whilst pregnant).

DH gets very annoyed when all he hears from me is whistful daydreams and castles in the air, I get annoyed with him for harsh reality and not thinking into what we MAY actually like to aspire to, so we muddle along quite well really.

YABU but also NBU, I actually feel quite helpless now as regards working, after a year of apllying everywhere and nothing happening at all.

lola, sorry, that did make me :)!
Excellent response to all the responses on this thread.

Lola, have you actually spoken to your husband about this? I think I would be having a very frank exchange of views where I made it abundantly clear just how he has and is continuing to benefit from having a sahp. If he wants change it will come with some cost to his current cosy set up.

How much is he prepared to change his own way of life to facilitate your return to work? If the answer is 'not much' then he is no position to tell you jack shit.

If you return to work, don't accept all the responsibility at home as well and make clear from the start that he will be expected to do his fair share. That way, he won't be under the illusion that he gets to have everything he wants, at your expense.

I think YABU if the children are in school why not go back to work

Good luck lola. :)

For what it's worth, if I ever talk about anything that costs money, then my DH takes it as a massive hint that he should be earning more money and that I'm dissatisfied with him as a breadwinner. The usual response is "I'm doing my best, you know!". He could well come up with a comment about me going back to work, even though it was a mutual decision for me to stay at home (coupled with the fact that my job doesn't exist any more). Thing is, I think that he is great at his job, and that he earns good money, and I've told him so lots of times. It's just that we have 4 mouths on 1 income and have recently bought a house in the SE and so we genuinely don't have a lot of money for extras.

DH and I had a heart to heart. He was sorry if he sounded nasty, but he thought that there was no harm in wondering what my future plans are. I came clean about my reservations about my employability. Through a haze of snots and tears I asked him if he would employ me? Not really.

My reserves of confidence are empty at this point and to be honest, I am intimidated by return to work as I only see a long steep climb to return to where I was. I have been hiding at home in all honesty and it has come to crunch time and I have lost my bottle. I have to put myself on the line and am not looking forward to the inevitable rejection (in my opinion) that will follow.

DH's job is not family friendly, my area offers mostly FT positions and althought spout equal opportunities and felxibility, when I wanted PT hours following maternity, so sorry no can do. The needs of the service were the over riding issue and I didn't argue cos I felt so let down by them.

there ye have it

That's understandable. I totally get that fear of rejection, fear of the long slog back to square one, the loss of corporate confidence etc etc.,

Maybe you actually NEED to take the plunge at 'something' I know I do, but no idea what... I'm quite crafty but not good enough to set up a business, though I do sell what I make (about one small table's worth a year at a PTA fayre!!) and am constantly looking for ideas that I can take forward, the quest to earn money has become my main 'hobby'. Its proved good for me so far, even though I'm earning naff all, as its boosted my confidence, I get a buzz out of it, and if I could get a bloody interview feel like I've a much better chance to land the job than I did a year ago.

Look at returning to work as baby steps. If you getting a job isn't urgent, then start by looking at what you like doing and work from there.

I wish I could tell you I'm now a multi-millionaire, high flying, super confident career woman, but I'm not, but I'm better than I was.

lol - I totally get the loss of confidence issue. It has taken me years to overcome it.

lola - not lol

But he wasnt ordering you to go back to work was he...he was just making a statement that if you want that big lovely house then his wages alone wont cut it.

I honestly cant see what he has said wrong!

have just collected mine from baby farm.the sunken eyed staff looked pallid and disinterested as ever. and only another 14hours til i drop em off again at mrs hannigans farm for abandoned weans

hurah for working mums and baby farms

So perhaps you should be spending a little time with them instead of being on here?