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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel unhappy at DH remark?

172 replies

lolaflores · 13/09/2011 16:48

Sunday jaunt into the country past some v. nice houses. "OOOhhh" I cooed to DH,"thats a lovely house". "Oh," says he "you go back to work and that could happen"!
dark silence from me. When I suggested retuning to work when DD2 was much smaller, it was deemed as "benefit neutral" given the childcare costs. DD2 started school this week. So now it is all change. Not a question of career, but just job. Now my position as scullion and dogs body is over, i can make myself useful and get a job. And while I do understand that he has been the sole wage earner, his career has not been on the hard shoulder as mine has.

I am not sure to have the arsehole or not. My heart says I am. My DH was in another room when God was handing out the sensitivity bits.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 18:34

Well I would be bloody pissed off tbh!

When the OP first brought up the subject of going back to work, he nixed it because he couldnt see the benefit but now he can so he has changed his tune. I would be annoyed on 2 counts, firstly at what he said, it does sound snidey to me. Secondly on the fact that he seems to think that he can decide when she does or doesnt go back to work to suit his own ends! He didnt want to pay for childcare (or god forbid, put his own career on the back burner and do it himself) so it was ok for her to stay at home. Now the kids are at school and they dont need fulltime care she can go back to work because he can see the ££££ signs!

Who the fuck does he think he is?!

MardyArsedMidlander · 13/09/2011 18:35

Could have been worse. He could have said 'But you'll never earn enough to buy a house like that!'.

ImperialBlether · 13/09/2011 18:38

I can't believe, OP, that you want to go back to work for "you." What would happen if your husband said that's what he would do? It's inevitable that if you go to work, your money will go into the family pot, isn't it?

Most people, when their youngest child is coming up to starting school, will begin looking at jobs or retraining. Has this taken you by surprise?

fedupofnamechanging · 13/09/2011 18:43

OP, the answer to that comment is "of course I'll go back to work, but you now need to do 50% of the school drop offs and pick ups, take equal time off if one of the children are ill and do 50% of the child care during the school holidays. You must agree to be supportive while I retrain and the days of having all meals cooked/laundry done etc are over. As a fully functioning adult, you will need to be doing 50% of all house related chores."

If he is fully on board with that, then start looking for a job. If, on the other hand, he wants you to earn money, but not wish to change his lifestyle to support that, then the words 'fuck' and 'off' would be springing from my lips.

mumeeee · 13/09/2011 18:43

YABU. It sounds to me that he wS just making a statement.

TheOriginalFAB · 13/09/2011 18:47

What is it you are unhappy about? He is being factual. He hasn't said you have to go to work. If you wanted to go back to work before, why not now?

YABU.

Helltotheno · 13/09/2011 18:51

OP I for one think he meant exactly what he said and I don't think you're being too paranoid or reading too much into it. I'd say it's either he doesn't see why you shouldn't start working again or else (depending on what he took from your house comment), he feels the pressure of being the sole earner and was making a dig.

Someone suggested above that you talk to your dh about how you feel around the whole thing. Maybe he doesn't know about the worries you have and thinks it's as easy as just clicking your fingers and landing a job? Tell him how you feel about it.

Blu · 13/09/2011 18:52

Presumably the OP means going back to work 'for me' in terms of self fulfillment, having a job (rather than keeping all the money and not sharing it with DH) - and in that sense continuing to work despite childcare costs also means that working is not always of neutral benefit.

Blu · 13/09/2011 18:54

And yes, you both need to talk about this. It's a big change - children at school, the possibility of looking for work, needing total co-operation from him if you both have paid jobs, in terms of emergency childcare etc.

And what your joint goals are, re houses and other things.

Don't waste time second guessing his meaning, talk with him, directly and calmly.

ruletheworld · 13/09/2011 19:03

I'm guessing that both his tone when he said it and the context of him saying it within the background of your lives since DC are key to how this is interpreted.

Since you've offered none of those things by way of explanation YABU and your post is baffling and makes you seem slightly hysterical.

AnyFucker · 13/09/2011 19:13

OP

Have you talked with your DH about how you going back to work will pan out wrt not just childcare but all the housework and myriad other shitwork jobs that many SAHP's take on as they are home more ?

karma and bogey have a point, although OP hasn't gone so far as to suggest that she would still be expected to do all the same "jobs" in the home she did as a SAHP. she has only mentioned childcare so far

which is, actually, just the tip of the bloody iceberg Smile

NinkyNonker · 13/09/2011 19:18

I'm with Bogeyface.

BluddyMoFo · 13/09/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

betterwhenthesunshines · 13/09/2011 19:55

YANBU

Why does everyone assume that once the DC are at at school all the other 'home' jobs just disappear - the shopping, cooking, washing, nametapes, DIY, garden, shower unblocking, house paperwork, sorting out insurance, repairs, the car etc etc In my experience it just means your working day as a SAHM gets longer and later :o

I'm in this situation too and eveytime I try to think about going back to work I come up with 2 huge obstacles - holiday childcare and the undeniable fact that I would be both 'working' AND doing all the other stuff.

Laquitar · 13/09/2011 20:16

Oh come on better you don't 'sort out insurance' every day.

From your list only the washing is a daily chore for most but it takes 2 min to load the w/m and to press the botton. Your dh can do it too. Ditto the cooking which can be done only few times p/w if you have freezer.

Holiday childcare- yes, thats a more valid point imo.

IWouldNotCouldNotWithAGoat · 13/09/2011 20:24

Chortling at "I couldn't possibly get a job. Sorting the insurance alone takes up most of my week!"

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 20:31

I can see the point about insurance etc. No it doesnt need doing every day, neither does MOTing the car, having the boiler fixed, needing to go to a hospital/dental/eye/doctors appointment, looking after a sick child, dealing with random training days, Xmas shopping, arranging birthday parties etc.

And yes, I know that families with 2 working parents manage perfectly well, but it is easier if you dont have to use up precious annual leave for those days. Or weekends and evenings that are far more important when you are working than if you're not.

But I agree that holiday childcare would be a bigger issue for me and has been the reason I couldnt go back to work in the year between DS starting school and me having DD.

kitsmummy · 13/09/2011 20:33

I think Better is seriously clutching at straws on that list, most probably to justify to herself about staying home. No-one is suggesting going back to work fulltime, all those chores would still be achieveable if you had a part time job.

And honestly, childcare in the holidays is an insurmountable problem? What about holiday clubs, they're everywhere these days, it's not just a city thing.

Bogeyface · 13/09/2011 20:35

Kits, there are no holiday clubs here, it has been a big issue in the local paper this summer. And when you factor in the cost too, it can be insurmountable. If I had to pay for care for my lot for the summer it would easily be twice what I could earn.

DialMforMummy · 13/09/2011 20:38

Maybe if you had a job, you would not have enough time to worry about the comment he made....
But I am sure it is a bit of a daunting idea to go back to work, in fact I have no doubt about that.

DoMeDon · 13/09/2011 20:39

YABU - you're partners in it all aren't you? You discussed returning to work 'deemed it benefit neutral', you want bigger house DH suggested you look at the issue again. If you wanted a career maybe you picked wrongly in the first place when you agreed/decided to be SAHM. But it was a choice, you made it and now you have to choose again. FWIW your DH sounds direct, maybe you're more a bullshit sandwich type but I much prefer direct.

northernruth · 13/09/2011 20:41

YABU. But I can also understand why you felt slighted. I think the more important question is "Why did his off the cuff remark make me feel bad?"

I think that your assertion that you want to go to work for "you" is a valid aspiration. But many working parents aren't that self actualised by the job they do that pays the wages, altho I wouldn't want a partner to suggest I did a job that made me miserable. Also it's a totally valid point that it's difficult to find part time work once you have been out of the workplace, and that it's daunting to get back to work when you have been out of the workplace. But you don't actually say that you've looked for a job, nor have you even discussed the issue between you.

I do think there's another discussion to be had when LOs start school. I also think that you seem resentful that his career has not been interrupted when yours has, despite you saying that you going back to work would have been "benefit neutral" - I can only surmise from that comment that at the time you would rather have stayed at home with the kids than work, so I would struggle to see why you are resentful.

Personally I went back to work when DD was 1, solely to keep the job that I valued and had worked bloody hard for all my working life. I worked 3 days which I would never have been able to do if I hadn't already been in the job. You can't change anything now and I'm not beating you up about it but try to remember the reasons you decided not to return to work - they were valid then and they are valid now.

You need to discuss with your DH whether he meant anything by his comment. If so, then I agree with Bogey that if the domestic chores are not shared equally a discussion needs to be had around that. You also need to look yourself in the mirror and remember that you have a raft of skills, many of which will have been honed over the last few years running a busy household (project management skills? coaching skills? organisation and administration skills? diary management?).

Ultimately if you don't want to get a job and your DH is happy with that, then that's nobody else's business, you just have to accept that the bigger house won't be yours (which I am sure you do accept, I realise it was just a passing comment).

Did you stop to think that maybe he was offended by your (perceived) wish to live in a larger house which he is currently unable to provide?

corriefan · 13/09/2011 20:42

Maybe he too felt criticised- from his point of you he's working hard all week bringing home all the income and you're hankering after more, implying you're not happy with what he's providing! Too right get akin if you want more, where else will the moneycome from?

corriefan · 13/09/2011 20:43

Akin? A job!

northernruth · 13/09/2011 20:44

Actually I would just add that the washing is a pig of a job, yes loading the washer is a two minute job but hanging it out/ on the maiden is a bugger of a task and someone has to sort, iron and put it all away. I reckon I spend at least 45 minutes a day on it. Not enough to justify staying at home, but enough to be a huge PITA when I'm working.