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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

STBX wanting more contact with Daughter

362 replies

btsmummy · 12/09/2011 10:52

Hi,

Thought I'd post here as well s the Divorce section, hopefully it's OK.

I have been separated from my H for just over 4 years and have just started divorce proceedings.

He moved out when we split and paid the mortgage and all the bills, along with the running costs for my car as I was at home with our then 18 month old daughter.

She is now nearly 6 and he has seen her on a weekday and on a Saturday every week since, they have been on holiday together, so there have been times when she has spent a week with him. They have a great relationship and to be fair he is a very good dad and she loves her time with him.

We have always got on very well, and many times we did family things at the weekend when he came to see our daughter (i am still in the FMH), we also continued to sleep together up until the beginning of last year when it became obvious we weren't going to reconcile, thing have been a bit frosty since but got slowly better and we started having family days out again (tho not sleeping together), that was up until this May.

He is now asking for more contact with our daughter and is asking for overnight stays, one during the week so he can pick her up from school and drop her off the next morning, and overnights at the weekends, he has said he would like 3 overnight stays a week so he can spend more time with her, possibly 4 the next, amount to equal care. I have said he can't have this but I have offered him 1 overnight every other weekend, with the usual midweek after school and weekend daytime in between. I also told him I won't discuss it any further and that he needs to speak to my solicitor.

Do you think he has any realistic chance of this, as I've told him we'll have to go to court as I won't agree it?

Thanks

B

OP posts:
cornflowers · 12/09/2011 17:30

It strikes me as pretty unreasonable to expect your wife to sell a house that she mostly paid for herself, removing your dd from her home, just so that you can get your hands on your 25%. I'm not surprised her solicitor advised her to take it off the Market.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:34

I agree entirely corn, which is why at no point have I said to her or suggested on here that I 'expect' her to sell it, doing so was a mutual decision in order for both her and I to move on.

OP posts:
TooImmature2BDumbledore · 12/09/2011 17:52

Well, at some point OP is going to need his 25% back - is the ExW in a position to pay him that amount without selling? Because if not, there's nothing else to do but sell.

Anyway, I came on to refute some of the statements about 50-50 living. My parents separated when I was 11 and Dad insisted on 50-50 custody. Mum had the sense to realise that he wanted it because he was actually a decent bloke who loved his kids, not so he wouldn't have to pay maintenance. At first my sister and I spent something like every second day with each different parent, but they lived 30 mins drive apart and it was a faff, so the arrangement very quickly became that we would spend one week with each parent in turn. This continued until we left home at the age of 18 (and in fact during the uni holidays). Our dog came with us too - he was a family dog! I would beg to differ with those posters who have said that a child needs one residence for stability. That is just not true. A child needs family for stability. A house is just bricks and mortar. We had two families, who both loved us very much and did their utmost to see that we lived a happy life. Both parents spent ages ferrying us to various school groups or friends' houses. They also both made sure they remained living within the school catchment area so we would always go to the same school. Many, many kids don't live in one house all their lives - Forces kids, for example, or others whose parents have moved with jobs or taken some time to settle down and find the right house. Houses aren't the big deal - people are.

cornflowers · 12/09/2011 17:54

I think you're being disingenuous there. The very fact that you mentioned the house sale suggests that it is indeed an issue.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 17:59

I only mentioned it after I had been asked a direct question about it and the finances, I didn't come here to talk about the money or the house, just what was in the OP, but if asked I will give an honest answer.

OP posts:
StrandedBear · 12/09/2011 18:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TooImmature2BDumbledore · 12/09/2011 18:09

Cornflowers, it must be in the region of £30k. (Are my maths right, someone?) I think it would be unreasonable for the ExW to expect to be able to hang onto that just so she could carry on living in the same house. I expect OP will need the money to get himself a house.

It may not be the main point, but it's probably going to become an issue if it isn't one already.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 18:11

Hi Stranded, that's as maybe, but it is interesting nonetheless how perceptions and opinions can change.

As I said, I didn't come here to discuss money or the house, but corn has pointed out that I am unreasonable if I expect my ExW to sell when she paid the lions share of it, I wonder if the same would be true IF I was the ExW and my ExH had paid most of it, or would it be reasonable for him to sell it so his ExW could have a larger pot to rehouse herself?

While we're on it, to answer TooImmature, my ExW is in no position to give me the 25%, nor is she in a position to take over the mortgage and get me taken off it, so I assume she'd like me to carry on with the mortgage payments until it's paid off or DD is 18, I don't know.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 12/09/2011 18:12

Look, I didn't 'change my tune' on discovering the OP was in fact the Saintly Father. The thread was 80/90 posts long when I started reading it, and I was suspicious from the beginning anyway.
Because while there are some selfish people around, few are so pathologically selfish that they will start giving an XP a hard time over access for no reason, despite having had an allegedly amicable separation and the NRP being a living saint and hugely generous and beloved by all etc etc. So there was very clearly a big chunk of the story we are not being told. And the fact that the 'real' OP records phone calls, lets himself into the house when he isn't welcome and pretends to be a woman in order to get other women to say what a cunt 'she' must be really does suggest, as Yama says, creepy manipulative prick.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 18:17

I'm pleased you find my ExW as selfish as she seems to be behaving ATM solid, thanks for that.

OP posts:
Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 18:22

"pretends to be a woman in order to get other women to say what a cunt 'she' must be"

So are you suggesting that had I posted as a man and not a woman that the responses would have been different? That would be interesting.

OP posts:
Tyr · 12/09/2011 18:24

OP,

If it goes to court, he will, all things being fair and equal, get alternate weekends, a midweek O/N and half of all holidays.
That is because it is in the child's interests to have as full a relationship with both her parents as possible. It is not in your gift to grant or withold that relationship. Sorry to be blunt but your "offer" of is paltry, unreasonable and self-centred.
Do yourself (and, more importantly, the child) a favour and agree proper, quality contact without the need for court.

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 18:26

Why wont you allow it? He pays more than he should for you, he doesn't even have to pay all the mortgage you know, or for your car. You seem to have everything your way without giving any consideration whatsoever to your daughters needs. Selfish you are

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 18:30

Sorry you outed yourself as the father.

You PAY FAR TOO MUCH.

Stop that now she is taking the piss.

Original poster
btsmummy · 12/09/2011 18:32

Fabby,

I no longer pay for these things, since my ExW went back to work last Sept I have paid the mortgage, the last 2 things I was paying for, her Sky TV and the Broadband she took over this August.

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 12/09/2011 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 18:35

Average given for a school age child with no Sn in a court room is: Midweek overnight EVERY week, Friday and Saturday (and sometimes Sunday) night every other weekend. Also half of ALL school holidays.

Your DD is nearly 6yo. YABU. She is just as much your Ex-H's DD as she is yours.

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 18:36

You do know you aren't even obligated to pay the mortgage? If she is living there she should be paying it, if you are paying it you own more of the house than she does and it should be reflected in the equity you get back.

You should only be paying maintenance thats all.

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 18:36

OK - on the post above mine - I'm going to go back and read the whole thread instead of just the OP!

Bonsoir · 12/09/2011 18:52

I think your STBX has every chance of getting a 50:50 if it goes to court.

babyhammock · 12/09/2011 18:54

I think we should get the real btsmummy on here. I think we will hear a very different story...

Tyr · 12/09/2011 18:58

I suspect that most of the ex's denigrated on these forums would tell a very different story- regardless of gender.

glitterkitten · 12/09/2011 19:01

fabby that's not correct. Regardless as to who is living there, if his name is on the mortgage he is obligated to pay. It's also not correct that in the divorce process he will be awarded more equity due to his higher contribution. It's a bit more complicated than that.

CardyMow · 12/09/2011 19:19

Ok - my advice still stands, though it is the EX rather than the mother posting. Non-resident parent would get One weekday overnight, every other weekend from Friday through to sunday night or monday morning, Half of all school holidays, half of the child's birthday (my ex-h and I do pick-up at 1pm), and Christmasses are split - one year I will have DS1 on Christmas eve and Christmas day with Ex-H picking DS1 up at 10am on Boxing day, next year it's the other way round.

Maintenance, however, is totally separate from access. It's not pay-per-view. (if it was, I'd get more than £1.36/week maintenance from Ex-H). The fact that your ex-wife has been advised not to sell the house is neither here nor there - no matter what your financial settlement in court is, she can STILL go to the CSA for maintenance. Even if she signs a form in court saying she won't. These are never upheld. Remember that when making financial arrangements in court.

This is my advice after pg4.

FabbyChic · 12/09/2011 19:20

You can force a sale of the house or she has to buy you out.