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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just dished out some tough love to DS, now I feel unreasonable...........

158 replies

Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:28

DS has just gone into year 6, and like most children has to be nagged to school on time. At the end of last term I said he would be responsible for himself when he got to year 6 and if he was late there would be a consequence.
We get to this morning, and I remind him that he is in charge of getting himself up, washed, dressed breakfasted and out the door in time to get there for the whistle blowing, the consequence of being late being an electricity ban tonight (ie no television/playstation etc)
So it gets to 8.40 and there he is sat merrily watching filious and ferb until that finishes and he checks the time. "what the?!" being exclaimed as the penny drops!
So we wander to school, him still feeling no urgency to rush and get to the school just in time to hear the whistle go, the gate was already locked meaning he is officially late. I explain he knew the deal, and now will have no electricity, so he goes into school crying on the first day :( now I feel awful..............So come on ladies what do you reckon unreasonable?

OP posts:
ArseyContarsie · 05/09/2011 09:30

a bit harsh if it was his 1st day back IMO

Eglu · 05/09/2011 09:31

I'm not sure you should have done it on the first day, but YANBU for the idea. You will have to follow it through now though.

Personally I would expect my DS to be upset at being late, never mind the loss of privileges.

worraliberty · 05/09/2011 09:31

That's very harsh for the first day back.

Also, if the TV is distracting him in the mornings you're probably better off banning that. Just put the radio on.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2011 09:32

YANBU.... If you're going to dish out a harsh lesson best do it at the start. Chances are he'll smarten his act up for the rest of the term now. If you feel awful, sit down and have a cup of tea... it'll pass. :)

rushofbloodtothefeet · 05/09/2011 09:33

I think it's a bit harsh too - his head is still on holiday time and he isn't used to being back in routine. Can't you give him a week where he relearns it all?

bumpybecky · 05/09/2011 09:34

I think that's a bit harsh on day 1.

None of mine could get ready on time by themselves, without a bit of nagging. The eldest is going into year 9!

I think you need to make it up to him. Let him chose something yummy for a snack on the way home? or a trip to the library / park / whatever

Merrylegs · 05/09/2011 09:35

Yes - agree with Eglu. Being late would make my DCs upset and be punishment enough. But now you have said it, I guess you have to do it. In any case you will know tomorrow morning if it has worked. If not, do you have a plan B?!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/09/2011 09:36

Also agree that the electricity ban should apply in the mornings. My DS slows down to geological time if there's something on the TV....

seeker · 05/09/2011 09:36

Why on earth do you even let the tv be turned on in the morning? The tv goes on- and the brain goes off. Iit's a rubbish way to start the day!

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 09:36

aww, a bit too much, IMO

I got up with my two (yr 11 and yr 7) this morning and chivvied them a bit

theoretically, I could just stay in bed, and maybe I will once they are back in their routine again

however, they were both knackered after late nights/mornings over the last few weeks and didn't sleep well last night

FWIW, I have found banning tv in the mornings to be very effective at sharpening the mind

Takitezee · 05/09/2011 09:36

YANBU. He should be responsible enough to get himself ready on time in year 6. It's also only one day without anything electric, not a huge sacrifice.

I agree about the no tv in the morning though. We don't have it on until the kids are ready as it slows them down.

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:37

My DH said the same about the telly being a distraction and to not allow it, but I feel that doesnt teach him to be responsible for himself. He will be starting secondary next year and have to be resposible for getting on a bus, remembering his homework, dinner money etc.
I will definately follow through with the ban tonight. Still feel awful, DD thinks it's hilarious that I am feeling so bad, she is off until tomorrow and manages every morning to get to the bus on time and is dreading him making her late next year.

OP posts:
Xales · 05/09/2011 09:37

We don't have the tv on in the mornings.

Children get engrossed and distracted and want to see the conclusion.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 09:39

at the age of 10, they are never going to choose getting ready efficiently
in the mornings over watching shite on the telly

I consider making that decision for them to be my job

ArseyContarsie · 05/09/2011 09:39

TV is def the main cause of him getting distracted tho, so it's doubly harsh of you to ban it during his leisure time, but not when he's meant to be doing other things

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:41

DD manages fine though and had done for 3 years, I never had to do this for her.

OP posts:
cjbartlett · 05/09/2011 09:41

I think that was too harsh on the first day
Yes he needs to learn independence etc but not on the 1st day back
He's still a child and not going to secondary school for a year
Your job is to encourage him for now, not send him into school sobbing
My ds was nervous to go back to school today
Sometimes they seem older than they are, they still need you

seeker · 05/09/2011 09:41

You can't expect him suddenly to be able to take complete responsibility for himself if he hasn't before- I know grown ups who aren't particularly good at this sort foe thing! How about saying that you've thought aout it and you're going to change the electricity ban to the morning instead?

This is none of my business, of course, but is he possibly a bit to dependent on the games? My ds would be upset at a tv/playstation ban, but I wouldn't expect him to cry about it.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 09:41

all kids are different though

ChristinedePizan · 05/09/2011 09:42

You can't expect a 10 year old to make a sensible decision about telly or not - that's where you as the parent come in. If you're capable of banning it in the evening, you're capable of banning it in the morning aren't you?

scaryteacher · 05/09/2011 09:43

No TV in the morning here either; I allow 45 minutes for him to be up, dressed, teeth cleaned, breakfast consumed, bag packed and out the door for the bus. Any spare time is spent with nose in book or plugged into iPod. Now he's Year 11, the penny has finally dropped.

BertieBotts · 05/09/2011 09:43

Have you gone through with him the times that he needs to do certain things in order to be on time? Like that it takes 15 minutes or so to get dressed, so that needs to be done by X time, it takes 5 minutes to do teeth & toilet, so that needs to be done at X time, then he has X amount of time for breakfast and needs to sort his books out at X time, then he can watch X programme before leaving. And that he is already late if one of these tasks are being done late, it doesn't mean he has loads of time if he still has a few things to do. Remember to factor in the little things like putting on shoes. This is something I really struggle with still and it's only very recently that I've realised, which sounds silly, but there it is. I used to always be late for things and perpetually in a state of bemusement and frustration as to why.

So perhaps offer to go through a practice morning routine with him tonight, if he likes to watch TV in the mornings (When the ban is lifted obv) look in the TV guide and get him to check what time something finishes before he starts watching it, and calculate then what state of "ready" he needs to be in before that starts, whether he needs to put his shoes on while watching it, etc. Time him getting dressed and doing his teeth and eating breakfast, advise him to add in spare time (but if he doesn't, maybe just remind him in a week or so when something has made him late!) help him make a little timetable of getting ready for school, and then he will have something to stick to, it won't just be "Oh I have loads of time!" and also try to make being early feel like a good thing. I used to hate being early for things, because I'd be there 10 minutes or so just hanging around and thinking "I could have had an extra 10 minutes in bed!" - do his friends get there early? Or does he have a DS or something you could take with you and if he gets there early he can play on that until school starts? Or a breakfast club maybe? (I used to incentivise my teenage self with coffee!)

I think the sanction is fair enough, BTW, I'm just saying if he needs a bit of help to accomplish this perhaps this could be helpful.

fuzzywuzzy · 05/09/2011 09:43

He's 11 years old yes? I don't think you're being harsh at all. You told him, he chose to ignore you so now he faces the consequences.

I have two DC aged 8 & 6, they get one call to get up, I put breakfast out & they're expected to get up, eat & be ready to leave when I am.

I can't be following them around nagging them at each step as I have to get to work too. My girls know if they're not ready by the time expected they're going to school in whatever state they're at by the time specified.

If you're harsh I'm super bitch!

Eglu · 05/09/2011 09:44

I do agree with pp's who said no tv in the morning. I don't agree that a ban on tv is not allowing him to have responsibility for himself.

BunnyWunny · 05/09/2011 09:45

YANBU!
Ok- so he forget about the time while watching tv- but if he didn't even rush to school it sound like he needs you to be tough. Definitely follow through with the punishment.