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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I just dished out some tough love to DS, now I feel unreasonable...........

158 replies

Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:28

DS has just gone into year 6, and like most children has to be nagged to school on time. At the end of last term I said he would be responsible for himself when he got to year 6 and if he was late there would be a consequence.
We get to this morning, and I remind him that he is in charge of getting himself up, washed, dressed breakfasted and out the door in time to get there for the whistle blowing, the consequence of being late being an electricity ban tonight (ie no television/playstation etc)
So it gets to 8.40 and there he is sat merrily watching filious and ferb until that finishes and he checks the time. "what the?!" being exclaimed as the penny drops!
So we wander to school, him still feeling no urgency to rush and get to the school just in time to hear the whistle go, the gate was already locked meaning he is officially late. I explain he knew the deal, and now will have no electricity, so he goes into school crying on the first day :( now I feel awful..............So come on ladies what do you reckon unreasonable?

OP posts:
JarethTheGoblinKing · 05/09/2011 09:45

Just turn the bloody TV off in the mornings.. surely that's problem solved?

januaryjojo · 05/09/2011 09:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:50

Yes Bertie, I did all that, and he was doing brilliantly got everything done before he put the telly on.
I am more than capable of banning telly in the mornings, that isn't really the issue. When he asked if he put put the telly on I said "it's up to you, but you know we have to leave the house at 8.35 so you will have to keep an eye on the clock" therefore giving him the responsibliity.
I am hoping this excercise will help him in all areas of time management, when it comes to doing homework I have to stand over him otherwise he will daydream the day away, that is my next challenge, maybe give this one time to bed in first though hey.

OP posts:
MugglesandLuna · 05/09/2011 09:51

Bit harsh for a first day. He has had 6 weeks of being able to go at his own pace. Its not that unreasonable that the first morning he is a bit laidback.

Also, you cannot compare your DS with your DD.

niceguy2 · 05/09/2011 09:53

OP, you HAVE to follow through with the punishment because you warned him several times. To not do so may mean he learns that punishments can be got out of.

I'm amazed that so many people think that there's some sort of special thing with it being first day back. In my mind, if you can't put the effort in on the first day, you deserved to be punished!

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:53

Oh and he wasn't sobbing just a couple on tears and a low head......

OP posts:
Fluter · 05/09/2011 09:55

YANBU

Tearing yourself away from the TV (and by extension X-boxes, playstations and all that crap) is also a valuable skill to be learnt.

I got incredibly fed up with students who couldn't get their backsides out of bed and get the right train or bus at aged 16 for a 9am class, with a pen and a piece of paper, so the earlier children learn timekeeping the better.

And so what if it's his first day back at school? Would those of you saying he should get let off because of this, say the same if it was his first day in a new job and you were the employer? [harsh emoticon] Maybe I am harsh, but being late has consequences, and 11 is certainly not too early to learn about them.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 05/09/2011 09:56

YANBU. I personally don't have the TV on in the mornings (not a house 'rule' as such, but I don't like it and kind of lead by example on it) and in a house with DCs I think it is a dangerous thing as they find it so mesmerising. However, you spelled out to him the possible consequences of having the TV on and I'm assuming that he understood. I guess that after school you'll be talking to him to make completely sure he understands what happened. Also follow through with the no-electricity rule. I don't see that it makes much difference whether or not it was the first day back; lessons have to be learned at some point. He will be upset briefly but you'll both move on very soon.

TeamDamon · 05/09/2011 09:56

Well, you probably have to follow through with the punishment now, but you really set him up for a fall, didn't you? Talk about dropping him in at the deep end - to go from six weeks of holidays to full-on responsibility for himself in one fell swoop, and you won't even help him out by removing the temptation of the TV? You really wanted him to fail!

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 09:57

he is 10, isn't he ?

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 09:58

It wasn't like I sprung it on him this morning either, I must have chatted with him about it 5 times during the holidays, in fact i think he got a bit bored of me going on about it.
I'm feeling a bit better now, despite the reactions on here mostly saying I am unreasonable. I am trying to raise him to be independant and responsible and that actions have consequences, it's no good doing everything for him and then expecting him to go off into the world of work.
I have a friend who still gets her 30 year old son up for work and makes his pack-up! that is not going to be us!

OP posts:
Groovee · 05/09/2011 09:59

I have an 11 year old who despite having no tv and no computer and is still late. This was proved to me 2 weeks ago as she was at school camp (we're in Scotland) and ds was ready at 8.15am every morning. I'm trying to get her more organised in the mornings so she will cope with an earlier leaving time next year for High School.

ArseyContarsie · 05/09/2011 10:01

yup, i too feel the poor kid was set up for this, to prove your point.

OK, he's crap in the morning, but YOU are the responsible adult, responsible for getting him to school. if he is constantly late it's YOU who will be questioned by the school, not him

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 10:02

I suppose in a way teamdamon I did want him to fail, as that is the only way for the penny to drop, If he is late again tomorrow and learns nothing from this then I will apologise and go back to helping him out a bit, accepting that maybe at 10 he isn't responsible enough.
Yes I am comparing him to DD, I treat them both equally.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 05/09/2011 10:03

Well, I think YANBU, nor harsh. If you don't stick by the consequences on day one, when do you start? Wednesday? Next week, maybe?

ragged · 05/09/2011 10:05

Everything that AnyFucker said.

I don't think first day back is the problem, but you must impose no screen-time in the mornings until he proves himself capable of ignoring it. You're asking him to develop a load of different skills, (seemingly from scratch?), all at once. Keep the TV off in Ams and see if he can perfect the rest of it, before daring to allow TV back on.

Am I really the only person here who can remember how hard it was as a preteen/teen to develop self-organisation skills? How scarey, long-winded & exhausting it was?

DS (starting y7) had a very bad spell at school... basically I could not ask him to be self-organised when he hated going at all. So I'm coming from a different background, just glad he goes in without complaining nowadays (and I chivvy him along every step of the way in the morning & expect to continue to do so for ages).

DD (starting y5) loves school & needs no chivvying whatsoever, just waking up & a few time check reminders. They are different people.

gillybean2 · 05/09/2011 10:05

TV is the problem. My ds would be glued to it with his sock in his hand and get no further when getting ready for play school. Banning tv in the morning was the best thing I ever did.

Maybe speak to him about this morning and see if you can come to an agreement. Ie bring him around to agreeing to compromise that instead of a ban tonight that instead tv is banned in the mornings as you feel that maybe that is what distracted him and caused the lateness.
Getting him to agree to that for every morning and then if he is late in future after that evening ban will also apply might be a better solution all round.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 10:12

I walked ds, 11, through his breakfast routine this am for when he will do it without me later this week

He just did not get, until pointed out, that some things take longer than others

eg. put the toast on while you make the cereal and a drink, get plates out ready etc

he did everything arse-face about, it's what kids do until they learn

I think we sometimes forget that out mum efficiency is there because of years of practice, and now feels second nature to us

the other day, I saw dd cutting the rind off individual rashers of bacon (about a dozen of 'em). It just hadn't occured to her to hold them together as they come out of the packet and cut them at the same time

simple things that we don't even think about...

Cleverything · 05/09/2011 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 10:13

...a bit like MN < looks at clock, faints >

worraliberty · 05/09/2011 10:15

Yes I am comparing him to DD, I treat them both equally

Well you shouldn't compare him to someone else. How would you like to be compared to the Domestic Goddess Mother across the road?

Treat them equally - yes...but please remember that being siblings does not mean they have to be anything alike.

Cleverything · 05/09/2011 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pippitysqueakity · 05/09/2011 10:17

Possibly a bit harsh on first day, but start as you mean to go on I suppose. I agree by Yr6, children should be taking much more responsibility for own actions, heard it too often at school 'where's your homework?' 'my Mum didn't put it in 'etc...
For the record, I shouted at my DH last week, to take responsibility for getting out of bed himself. He is over 40, and still needs told a million times in the morning. (I am always up early, just the way my sleep patterns go) In fact, if it wasn't for the fact we really need him to keep this job as it took him so long to get it, I would just go out about 7.00 am and let him deal with the DD's, his lunch and ejecting himself from the bed. (I was working full time up till this term, btw and managed to cope with DDs and myself every morning despite him being a SAHD.)
Point is, good morning habits can, and probably should be learned and the sooner the better. Has he got his own (chosen) alarm clock? Does he get his clothes/bag ready the night before? Is there anything else he can do to make am easier?
I do agree with no tv till ready tho' not as a choice, but just this is what we do, we get ready then watch tv when everything else done.
Maybe you could change the punishment to elec ban tomorrow morning and allow a bit tonight, so that his start of a new year memory is not all tears and lack?
Good luck and sorry for the essay...

Original poster
Wormshuffler · 05/09/2011 10:19

Yes Anyfucker, you are right it is what we do until we learn..............which is precisely why I am teaching it!

I have another baby due in january, and may not have time to be able to spend all morning doing everything for DS, and rather than him suddenly feel abandoned then I feel this is the right time.

I will have a conversation with him on the way home to get his perspective on why he was late this morning and see what he says. Then ask the question, do you think you would get on better without the television being on? Again putting him in the driving seat.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/09/2011 10:22

WS, we have our own ways of teaching I guess

I don't use the "setting up to fail" method, myself, not for a 10yo anyway

each to their own, eh

now my 15yo ? When I have told her a thousand times over the years, then yes, watching her fail at these simple things can give me a certain degree of satisfaction Smile