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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by wedding lists?

288 replies

chandellina · 30/08/2011 15:55

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

OP posts:
SiamoFottuti · 30/08/2011 15:56

YABU, you tightarse. Just don't go to any weddings then.

RedOnion · 30/08/2011 16:00

I agree but no doubt i'm a tightarse too Grin

woopsidaisy · 30/08/2011 16:01

I think a list is great-as I know that I can get something they really want/need.
I also think a list is a great way to get some lovely things for your home,that you would perhaps never be able to afford otherwise.
Things that you can keep and remember for years.
There is absolutely no obligation to buy from the list. it is there if you want it.
I cannot understand all the miserable people who resent spending anything on a gift for a bride and groom....
If I am invited to a friends house for a takeaway/few drinks,I would always bring a gift. I would never go anywhere with my hands hanging.
But I think that is a very Irish thing,we like to give stuff.
YABVU.

porcamiseria · 30/08/2011 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

porcamiseria · 30/08/2011 16:02

ha ha at siamofottuti, what does you name mean. we are?

crazyspaniel · 30/08/2011 16:03

I wouldn't dream of going to someone's wedding and not taking a present. That being the case, I would much rather know what the bride and groom want and not risk getting them something which is a duplicate or not to their taste. It is actually really difficult choosing a wedding present without any guidance.

luxuryhamper · 30/08/2011 16:03

i really like the greek tradition of pinning money on the bride and groom, that'd do dp and i who have been together 24 years. Grin

would you mind that op?

usualsuspect · 30/08/2011 16:04

Fortunately none of my mates when they got married gave a toss what you bought them or cared if you didn't buy them anything

backwardpossom · 30/08/2011 16:04

What porcamiseria said.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 30/08/2011 16:05

I agree with you Grin It's bad manners to actually ask for what you want.

It is supposed to go like this

"What would you like?"
"Oh, nothing, just the pleasure of your company"
"No, I have to get you something, I really want to"
"Honestly, it's fine, there's nothing we need, we just want you there."
"Please, there must be something you need"
"Well, if you really want to, there are some sheets in John Lewis that I love, but honestly, there really is no need..."

Grin

What we object to is not the gift, not the getting someone something they want, it is the omission of this vital social dance Wink

Oggy · 30/08/2011 16:05

What Crazyspaniel said.

If someone doesn't put a gift list in invitation then I end up going through the back and forth of trying to find out what they actually want. We all know I'm not going to go to the wedding without a present, so you might as well tell me what you actually would like.

janeandmichaelbanks · 30/08/2011 16:05

Pots and pans I don't get at all

But are they asking for part of a 'nice set' eg Tea/dinner set - I know that might be old fashioned but I think people still do it, and that it is perfectly nice.

So for some thing no you ANBU but on others you ABU.
If you don't want to get them something of the list the don't - but expect to explain or just get them something else . They are getting married give them some slack. (well as long as they aren't being cheeky)

Original poster
chandellina · 30/08/2011 16:06

i'm not saying i resent buying a gift to celebrate someone's marriage - but it just seems so tacky to ask for all this crap on a list if you already have a well-appointed home. these people can definitely afford to buy it akk themselves. I don't mind something that feels truly unique - like contributing to an amazing honeymoon or something like that.

OP posts:
eurochick · 30/08/2011 16:06

I kind of agreed and didn't really want one but gave in because I read a story on a wedding forum about a couple who tried that and the guests ganged up together to ensure they ended up with 24 identical toasters. They do make things easier for the guests. With a JL list, you just pop online and in a couple of clicks you are done and it gets delivered after the honeymoon without you ever having to drag a saucepan set to the reception with you or whatever.

Original poster
chandellina · 30/08/2011 16:07

actually i think cash is fine too. It's more honest.

OP posts:
theowlwhowasafraidofthedark · 30/08/2011 16:07

I'm just happy to get invited to a wedding party. It's an invite not a summons, you can always politely decline if it offends you that much.

minipie · 30/08/2011 16:08

YABU

I think they are brilliant. No more trawling round the shops, I can get something I know the bride & groom have chosen and will be grateful for (usually at the click of a button).

As long as the list makes it clear that it is just ideas and that people are free to go off list or indeed not get a gift at all.

I know what Magnificent means about the "vital social dance" (very good description), but I tend to think it's a waste of everyone's time - especially if you had to do it with 100 wedding guests!

Insomnia11 · 30/08/2011 16:09

I didn't like the idea of a list at first but when people suggested they would love to buy us things and that we might end up with 25 toasters it suddenly sounded a good idea. Ours was with John Lewis and started at £7. Have to say it was bloody brilliant once I got the scanner in my hand. :)

A friend of mine is on her second wedding and they have specified they definitely want no gifts, but I might donate money to charity instead.

backwardpossom · 30/08/2011 16:10

actually i think cash is fine too. It's more honest.

What is dishonest about a list, ffs?

Oggy · 30/08/2011 16:10

You see Chandellina, there lies the difficulty because IME more people are offended by being asked for cash, or contribution towards honeymoon (I wouldn't, but i know others are). Therefore there is no way of pleasing everyone on this issue.

fluffles · 30/08/2011 16:10

yabu

as present buying is already embeded in our culture, it is best to buy people things they actually want/need..

SouthernFriedTofu · 30/08/2011 16:10

I think its a bit cheeky if theyve been together for 10 years. But generally speakiing you are going to buy a gift why not get them one they want

PuppyMonkey · 30/08/2011 16:10

You could just ignore the list and buy something else you think they'll like. It's not illegal to do that AFAIK. You could not go to the wedding if you resent wedding lists so much.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2011 16:12

I hate John Lewis so I would be annoyed about having to buy an overpriced casserole dish from there for anyone

upahill · 30/08/2011 16:12

YABU..
I would like to get a gift that people actually want rather than them sending it to the charity shop the following month because it is neither use nor ornament to them.