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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by wedding lists?

288 replies

chandellina · 30/08/2011 15:55

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

OP posts:
notlettingthefearshow · 30/08/2011 21:07

A wedding list is useful. It's customary to take a wedding present, but even for a close friend, I would rather know what they wanted. There's just no point in agonising over a gift that the couple does not want/need. When guests buy off-list, sometimes it is lovely but other times it isnt right - e.g. we got some beautiful shot glasses, but do not drink spirits.

We had a gift list at John Lewis (lots of small things, started at fiver) and it was great. We did have stuff, although we hadn't lived together long, but it was mostly very old/cheap. I love cooking so good quality pots mean a lot to me - I use them all the time. I can see not everyone would find this exciting! Whenever I use the crockery/towels etc we were bought, I remember who bought it and think how kind they were.

ZonkedOut · 30/08/2011 21:36

I like when other people have a list, it makes it easy for me to pick something I know they'll like. I don't see it as money grabbing, people will get presents anyway. As long as the list has a range of prices, and isn't too presumptuous. I remember some friends talking about a wedding they'd been to where the list ranged from £50 up (this was years ago too) and was at a store where it was all ridiculously overpriced.

When we got married, DH and I hadn't been living together, but we had therefore 2 houses worth of stuff - we had to get rid of lots, so really didn't need more. So we wrote a note saying we didn't need anything, but if people did want to give something, please could they make a donation to charity on our behalf. I felt much better about that than I would have done getting a set of bed linen or a toaster we didn't need at all.

We did still get a few gifts, but they were small, personal items, such as a handmade picture with our names and the date on it.

birdofthenorth · 30/08/2011 22:12

I have a follow-up question... if you are just an evening guest, do you need to buy a prezzie?

And if so, does everyone else make it a smaller gift than if they were being fed a 3 course meal too?!

AngryGnome · 30/08/2011 22:32

I have read so many threads here about people being outraged at being asked to "fund a holiday" for the bride and groom that it is at least refreshing to see someone who is happy with that - even if they are unhappy with a more traditional gift list Hmm

I really don't see the problem. You have been invited to be part of someone's special day - they want you there to share it with them, a day that they will always remember, that will always be special to them. It's a privilege to be invited to someone's wedding! I am always excited when an invite plops onto the doormat!

It's natural to want to buy the couple a gift to celebrate their day, and I'm not sure why there is so much hand-wringing over what is (and is not) "allowed" to be out on a gift list. If you have a lot of people coming to a wedding, a gift list makes perfect sense - you will know that the couple have something that they really want (whether that's a casserole dish or a mule train through the Andes) and also something that no-one else will have got them.

Above all, enjoy the wedding - that's the most important thing!

JanMorrow · 30/08/2011 22:33

We did our john lewis list at the weekend, SUCH fun!! We put loads of cheap stuff on though I know how expensive weddings can be to just attend and I don't EXPECT anyone to get us anything.

As an evening guest you definately spend less though yes.

GnomeDePlume · 30/08/2011 22:45

I dont think the list is wrong for a first marriage but as cereal said, I do think it is wrong to put it in the invitation. If people want to give something then they will ask. At that point saying that there is a list is probably okay.

Personally my exception to that would be for second marriages or where the couple have been living together for a long time. In that situation I think even having a list is a bit grasping, a gift to charity is better.

Of course I keep all of this locked up in my head except when on MN!

darksideofthemooncup · 30/08/2011 23:05

Funnily enough one of my friend's is getting married and she works for John Lewis. Now she has a pretty substantial discount but has created a wedding list with them. I'm amazed that she hasn't opted for vouchers as then she would be able to get LOADS more once she factored in the discount. Having said that we didn't have a wedding list as we had lived together for 10 years prior to getting married, but I would have LOVED to go round with a zapper, zapping loads of lovely lovely bed linen and crockery :D

limetrees · 30/08/2011 23:08

I do quite like wedding lists because it makes it easy to buy a present that you know the couple will really want and like. Sometimes I worry a lot that a gift I have given (not just weddings) will not be liked. I will buy something appropriate to our current financial situation/what I see on the list so I don't have a set amount that I spend.

Helenagrace · 30/08/2011 23:25

I don't have a problem with wedding lists. I kind of feel a but Hmm about requests for cash towards the honeymoon.

A couple of years ago I was invited to a 40th party and the invite arrived with a present list. It was all hand made pottery and the cheapest thing on the list was a salt pot for about £40. I thought that was really out of order.

purpleloosestrife · 31/08/2011 00:18

I don't feel miffed about requests for honeymoon cash. Now that even "normal" weddings can cost an absolute fortune, I feel a) honoured that a couple count me as one of their nearest and dearest and thus someone they want to share their special day with.... and b) they have invited us (at the expense of that allmighty blowout honeymoon they COULD have had instead) because they wanted to share their special day with us.

I buy from a list or send cash quite happily. However, I have seen VERY greedy lists - it is unfair not to consider old great aunts on pensions and anyone else needing to be a bit careful. To not include some "cheaper" presents is decidedly naff. (NB. This does not include skinflints who could afford a reasonably nice gift and CHOOSE not to!!)

Snowgirl1 · 31/08/2011 00:39

I'm a hypocrite - when I go to weddings, I like having a wedding list to buy a gift from. But when DH & I got married, we had no gift list and asked people to sponsor us to run the marathon. I have to admit that whenever there's been a choice on a wedding invitation of donating money to charity or buying a gift, I go for the gift as I want the couple to have something.

Bear in mind that your friends are probably spending £100 - £150 for you to join them in celebrating their wedding. Is it so bad to buy them some saucepans in return, if that's what they want?

harrietthespook · 31/08/2011 03:08

There is nothing wrong with having a wedding list.

What is tacky is posting it out with the invitations. If people ask, then tell. Wink Don't assume.

harrietthespook · 31/08/2011 03:09

Evening do - can def spend less.

Anna1976 · 31/08/2011 04:40

what do people think about the Oxfam wedding lists - giving goats etc? Is it grabby to offer that when people ask for a wedding list? I agree about not sending out lists with invitations.

TheBride · 31/08/2011 05:05

There is really no pleasing people on this.

eg I like the list with the invite/admin sheet etc. Then I reply, go online, buy the present, book my room/flight if necessary, and put a big fat tick next to that item on my to do list.

The mortal sin in my book is having a non online list.

Original poster
chandellina · 31/08/2011 07:42

Hmm, not sure why you can spend less as an evening guest, seems that costs the most. And it may seem nice to have cheap items on a list but who's going to buy one wine glass or the like?

OP posts:
HappyMummyOfOne · 31/08/2011 08:07

Some of the older generation like a list to choose from, I dont mind as long as its not included within the invite and its my choice to ask for it.

Far better than a request for cash or a honeymoon fund - cant abide those as so grasping.

I do spend less on a gift if only attending the evening do, if the couple dont actually invite you to the marriage then its only a party so i take a token gift.

HengshanRoad · 31/08/2011 08:32

The worst I have heard of was a photographer and his wannabe rockstar girlfriend who asked for "honeymoon items" as gifts for their American road trip, i.e. swim with dolphins (), a cocktail in a bar, a game of roulette in Vegas. Awful.

soverylucky · 31/08/2011 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lachesis · 31/08/2011 08:44

'Hmm, not sure why you can spend less as an evening guest, seems that costs the most.'

Because you're a second-tier guest.

And if you're along the lines of a guest should purchase a gift or give money equivalent to the cost to the host, then charge admission and be done with it.

Mowlem · 31/08/2011 08:57

Personally I love lists, I just hate the charades that we seem to have to play around them.

It's culturally the norm that when invited to a wedding you take a gift. The hosts know that, you know that. You're going to take a gift.

Personally, if I spend my money on a gift, I want to see it used - not wasted by being taken to the charity shop three weeks later - geez, if I know they're going to do that, I could just donate straight to the charity shop and save myself a ton of money! So wedding lists are great - the bride gets something she wants, and my hard earned cash is being used. Great.

But given that we all know I'm going to give a gift, why waste my time making me request a gift list. Bloody faff and waste of my precious time. Gift lists are not compulsory, there is no obligation to use them, but please don't waste my time by not telling me where it is. That's a stupid game I'm fed up with playing.

rathlin · 31/08/2011 09:07

I'm not in favour of them but even less so for evening events. To add a gift list to an evening invitation is cheeky. Understand that you can only have a limited number at a day event but to invite people to an evening party where more than likely they will have to buy their own drinks and might get a sausage roll if they are lucky, I think a card suffices.

mummytime · 31/08/2011 09:16

I object to being asked for money/ or help with the honeymoon. I like lists, but if I don't like anything on it I will get a quirky present (Photoframes, momento books etc.).
I also don't think you have to spend 1000's on a wedding even these days, its a choice. The best wedding I went to had a Bring and Share reception (so they could invite all their friends, and their kids friends too).

Murtette · 31/08/2011 09:20

One of my friends who met her husband in an orchestra set up an account with a music shop and, if we asked what to give, we were told we could make donations as they wanted to buy a piano and another friends had a similar arrangement with a gallery as they'd always loved the art there. I thought that they were lovely ideas and I was more than happy to contribute.

I'm less happy to contribute to the friend I emailed over the weekend and, when I asked if she could remind me of how I got the Trailfinders vouchers they'd asked for, was told that they had enough of those now but "cold hard cash would be appreciated - sterling, US dollars or Oz dollars". It just seems a bit mercenary.

One of my friends asked for donations to a charity that, for medical reasons, is very important to her and was quite surprised at how little was donated. I know you shouldn't expect people to spend the same amount on a gift for you as you've spent on others but she has traditionally spent £100 on a wedding present (as have the others in our group) yet the same people only donated between £10 and £25 to the charity and quite a few gave nothing at all.

jugglingwiththreeshoes · 31/08/2011 10:03

I think it's a tradition to get the couple something for their home together.
As long as it's done a bit tastefully ( the phone number/email on an extra little sheet if you'd like some ideas ... )
I'd rather that than be asked for cash or have to go and choose something myself with no guidance ... they might end up with 3 toasters !

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