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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be offended by wedding lists?

288 replies

chandellina · 30/08/2011 15:55

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

OP posts:

electra · 30/08/2011 16:13

Wedding lists are ok, I think. But you shouldn't feel obliged to use them if you have a gift in mind which you feel would mean more. What I really hate is people asking for money - that's very rude imo.

AbsDuWolef · 30/08/2011 16:13

YABU. I really do not get why people on MN are sooooooo against getting presents for couples who are getting married. It's bizarre.

Original poster

chandellina · 30/08/2011 16:13

maybe it all stems from my own lack of wedding. we got married in a registry office and no one gave us gifts because there was never a party.
I am happy to celebrate the occasion - I just think something has got lost through the years on what the presents are meant to signify. It used to be about setting up a home together but now most of the weddings I go to are about people finally getting hitched after a decade or more together.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 30/08/2011 16:16

YABU - I'd much rather know what they'd like rather than rack my brains to pick something out just because I like it myself. Even if you don't buy off the list, the style of things they have put on it gives you a clue whether they like classic designs, bright funky colours, everything covered in little pink flowers, etc.

Itsjustafleshwound · 30/08/2011 16:17

By my calculations, if you work out what the couple/couple's family is spending on you and your DH/DW/partner to come to the wedding I usually use that as a guide to how much I am prepared to spend and if it means getting them something from a department store that they would like then no problems.

I have read elsewhere that sometimes the guests are asked to contribute to the honeymoon - now that is just wrong ...

electra · 30/08/2011 16:21

A friend of mine got married and had lists available on request (online) for those that wanted them but they were not routinely sent out. This was quite useful for me because I wasn't able to go to the wedding so I could buy something online I knew they probably would use.

Original poster

chandellina · 30/08/2011 16:21

ok i guess you can not please everyone because I felt really happy recently to contribute to some friends' honeymoon.

anyway, what is the going rate these days anyway for wedding presents? How much to contribute per person? I'm not being tight, just genuinely am not sure if its £50 or £100 quid or what.

Maybe I'd feel better if everything on the list wasn't so dull and uninspired. At least there aren't any iPods - some friends really took the piss asking for those a few years back I thought!

OP posts:

SiamoFottuti · 30/08/2011 16:21

We are fucked, porcamiseria.

porcamiseria · 30/08/2011 16:22

why do you hate johnlewis usual? just curious

porcamiseria · 30/08/2011 16:22

ah, a fellow itlian swear word, ciao!

ViviPru · 30/08/2011 16:24

I'm curious why you think that's wrong, Itsjustafleshwound. Now we're in out 30s, most of my friends getting married have been living together years and have most traditional gifty household stuff already. It makes sense to me to request that if people would like to get them a gift, then trailfinders vouchers which they will contribute toward their honeymoon would be their preferred choice...

Katiepoes · 30/08/2011 16:25

I love lists. It's too hard to figure out something by yourself and then risk spending money on something they won't want. I've bought pieces from a particular service, glasses from a range, shared in a fridge - why not?

My aunt gives everyone a Lladro figurine with a value of about £150. I know nobody under the age of 164 that likes Lladro. What a waste of £150. (My own waste is under the stairs and gets fished out when she visits. I hate the wretched thing, a pastel Geisha looking mournful.) I didn't have a list though.

Anyone want a mournful pastel geisha?

Insomnia11 · 30/08/2011 16:26

We had been together for 5 years but when I gave it some thought we didn't have things like a set of matching cutlery or crockery, it was all bits gathered from various places. Also our pan collection was a bit cheap and shabby, and bed linen and towels left a lot to be desired. We also wanted a few more pictures for the house, and actually a new kettle and toaster and other kitchen stuff wouldn't go amiss.

So we'd kind of just made do with second hand or what we'd bought cheaply as students. It was lovely to actually choose your own and get new things which people were pleased to give us. It felt like we were starting again, more formally in setting up home. We've been married 7 years now and still use all the gifts, most on a daily basis. Quite often I think of the person/couple who bought it when we use it/see it.

SiamoFottuti · 30/08/2011 16:26

ciao porca, come stai?

UserNameNotAvailable · 30/08/2011 16:27

I just give cash. I can't see how giving money might offend them. I hate thinking of what to get people and would hate even more to find the gift I'd got them is stuck in a cupboard unused or even gifted on. If they want to put the money I give towards honeymoon/ spending money/ household items/ gas bill/ fags/ booze then that's fine with me at least it was used for something.

If they have a list, have a look and see what kind of things they are asking for then buy something from the list from elsewhere if its overpriced (which I bet it is.) I also bet there's something on the list that's really expensive that even the bride wouldn't buy because of the price but expects one of her guest to fork out on.

Insomnia11 · 30/08/2011 16:27

why do you hate johnlewis usual? just curious

Has to be Fortnum and Masons, daarhling.

Oggy · 30/08/2011 16:29

I went to a friends wedding last weekend and I contributed £50 towards a group present, all that contributed felt £50 each was an appropriate amount. For a very close friend of family member I would spend £100.

But I don't think any reasonable bride or groom would have any expectation about what was spent, or even notice or mind even if you didn't get them anything.

I would agree that a list should have a wide price range of options. I wouldn't put too much on having very expensive items on the lists as long as there are cheaper and medium options too. I had a friend that put a very expensive plasma TV on their list, not because they expected anyone to get it, more as a joke really, but even then, a large number of guests may wish to club together to be able to get a more expensie item so can't hurt to have it on there. No one HAS to get it but sometimes people wantt o club together to get something really special.

beckybrastraps · 30/08/2011 16:29

Blimey. I don't get the list hating thing. But then I don't get the no children hating thing either, so I am a MN wedding oddity. I would always buy a gift, so a bit of help choosing what to get someone I don't necessarily know that well (not all the weddings I go to are for close friends or family), then hurrah for that!

Itsjustafleshwound · 30/08/2011 16:30

I would just like to buy the couple something that lasts a bit longer than a 2 week jolly to foreign shores ....

lachesis · 30/08/2011 16:31

YABU. I despise demands for money or paying for honeymoons. As for paying the cost of what it cost them per head at a wedding, I'd as soon go to a restaurant where at least I can chose what I'll eat.

If you've lived together and have what you need, then you don't need gifts.

Oggy · 30/08/2011 16:33

No one NEEDS gifts, but most people enjoy giving gifts for people to celebrate an event.

usualsuspect · 30/08/2011 16:34

Because John Lewis is over priced and I never get why people think its the best shop ever

ViviPru · 30/08/2011 16:34

Fair enough, that makes sense, but I can see where the OP is coming from Also, much amusement at mournful pastel geisha, Katiepoes, after having grown up under the gaze of 6 or so of them...

lachesis · 30/08/2011 16:34

Then they can chose a gift to give.

TheRealTillyMinto · 30/08/2011 16:35

MY SIL sent my DM a list of baby presents she wanted. No discussion. Not even a phone call.... Just a list. DM had recently given her and my DB over £20K....

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