to be offended by wedding lists?

[chandellina]

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

It's nice to give people a present, something they'd like as a treat to celebrate the occasion of their wedding, whether or not you judge that they already have enough things. And considering that the couple will probably be giving guests food and drink, it seems stingy to not want to give them a present.

i don't think anyone has suggested NO present is acceptable. I would never think of not giving a present (though I do have one very embarassing episode in my past where I did not give my best friend a present for her wedding--long story, but at least I had introduced her to the groom.)

I might even feel warmer toward the list if it was actually nice, interesting stuff rather than bland chocolate coloured towels and plain wine glasses. I do see the benefit of getting people stuff they actually want - I do think I prefer the honeymoon/piece of art/cash contribution though.

I agree chandellina, in my view wedding lists are tacky and vulgar. It puts the whole wedding invitation on a rather transactional basis (as one poster above put it "i'll spend £100 a head on feeding and watering you if you spend £100 on a gift for me").

Surely the point of a wedding is simply to ask your close family and friends to celebrate your joy with you? Anything other than that seems grotesque.

I have lost count of the number of friends of mine with whom I've been so disappointed on receiving their wedding invitation together with gift list - people I thought felt the same way as DH and me. DH always says, what towels/saucepans/sheets/cutlery/glasses did they use before they got married then? This urge to upgrade all one's possessions at one's friends' expense is simply greedy and just makes me regard those friends as show-offs.

Of course we never go empty-handed to a wedding, christening, dinner party etc - but given the choice we would always choose something thoughtful as a gift which means something to us and the host, not 3 towels and an egg whisk adding up to £100. And it would be a gift, not a payment for services rendered.

Disclaimer - My distaste for lists does not extend to refusing to use them if sent, after all it's about the couple not me, but I do think much less of people if they include a list with their invitations unless it is an Oxfam or other charity list.

And asking for money or vouchers instead is even more tacky.

IMHO the only circumstance in which it is appropriate to have a wedding list is if you are leaving your parents' homes for your own and genuinely setting up home for the first time after the wedding - in those circumstances you don't have bed linen, towels, toaster, kettle etc. But even then, the gift list ought only to be sent to people who request it.

(We did not have a wedding list when we married - as two independent adults we were combining two homes and it would have been ridiculous to ask for presents - in fact we asked people not to buy us gifts but simply to share the day with us. If people were desperate to spend money on us we suggested they consider donations to a charity we favoured. In the event many of our friends and family did bring gifts, all of which were very personal, and are now much treasured and frequently used even if slightly silly.)

I think they're useful but each to their own. We got a whole load of stuff 'off list' from friends of my PIL that were not invited to the wedding because we barely know them. They are all lovely people but unfortunately it doesn't change the fact that most of the items will never see the light of day because they are not at all to my taste. I was grateful to receive them but I will probably donate them to charity shops in time.

It's the sign of the times really - when my folks were setting up house they were often grateful for anything they could get and bought new items to their taste as the years went on. Nowadays, whether it's Ikea or somewhere much more expensive, young people have beautifully themed homes shoved down their throats as being a mark of what one must aspire to, and in that environment wedding lists are much more practical.

So it's up to you - risk wasting your money or coming across as a tight arse.

I ended up having a list despite always saying I wouldn't. People were worried about wasting the money they wanted to spend on us on something we didn't want.

I have always found them useful when attending other people's weddings too.

Some people bought off list for us but it was people who knew us so well that they bought really perfect lovely things. For most other people the list I think was helpful - we had a lot of cheaper stuff on there and we also put a lot of stuff for then 14 month old dd on as well. That all went very quickly - I think people liked the idea of buying for her a lot.

It is impersonal and it does feel rude sending the gift list details to people but it is in the end a bit of an evil necessity I think to avoid money being wasted.

I wouldn't recommend John Lewis though - we still have 2 items undelivered 3 months on and they were the two most expensive things as well. Think they're crap.

Thing is - just beacuse you think something is thoughtful does not mean it is of value to the couple. So save everyone, espcially youirself the risk of wasted money and rdicule and use the list. Then be all snooty about the grasping vulgar upstarts to your heart's content and congratulate yourself on your own fine honourable unworldly self.

It seemed rather tacky and grabby to us. On the other hand we knew people like to get something. We asked for some (particular) paperback books. That way people got to make a personal selection and only had to spend £5. Perfecto.

And on the subject of evening invitations, I hate them altogether. When we got married everyone was there for the whole thing and no-one needed to bring cash.

In thinking of evening invites, I'm reminded of 'I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again' in their skit on the PO - 'You may still use second class stamps, but do not be surprised to see insulting franks on the envelope, such as "Second Class, Is Lower Class" or "Who's a Pauper Then?"'

Mowlem didn't read your thread until after posting, but we are of one mind entirely.

I think they are a bit 'grabby' unless it's a young couple setting up home

Cash bars at weddings where money has obviously been spent (ie budget not really an issue) are my pet hate. Kinda spolis the feel of the thing tbh.

I don't like the list thing as its just not much fun choosing from a random list of things like pillowcases and plates. But, it is very convenient indeed and more often than not, I'll go that route or get gift vouchers from the store where the list is held as I'm not organised enough to go proper gift shopping shopping (though nice photoframes always go down well I find).

Agree its tacky to include with the invitation.

I did read somewhere that with some gift services, the couple are told the amount 'spent' and can choose to use that amount to buy the what they really want so rather then get lots of small items, they can just buy the home cinema outfit they really wanted but nobody could afford outright.

Worst list I received the couple asked for a piece of original art work which 'connected the guest to the couple'. .

no you're no being unreasonable AT ALL.

I'm single and have had to dig deep a few times over the last two decades to provide a gift for a couple who have everything, have each other, have it all.

I know it's TRADITION, but at this point I'm as certain as I can be that I'll never get married (so unlikely) but I would like to move in to a new house one day and send out a list..... !!!

I enjoy looking at wedding lists. At least you're buying something that they want. Most couples I knew had a variety of things on their list. I know some people who wanted to buy expensive things like a new microwave for the couple. I've been really broke and bought two 5 pound kitchen utensils before. I also like choosing odd things like the bundle of twigs my friends were really grateful for.

We had a couple of things undelivered from our John Lewis wedding list too. And some packages of bed linen had items missing (eg. pillow-cases)
I didn't chase them up on it either (JL obviously) as when I opened our wedding presents I wasn't in a check everything's there mood. I just thought "Oh, that's odd"

Yes, that's why wedding lists should never be included with the invitation. They should only be sent to those who ask.

"Surely the point of a wedding is simply to ask your close family and friends to celebrate your joy with you? Anything other than that seems grotesque."

What's wrong with people having nice towels, bedlinen, crockery on their list? I can't see a problem with giving a friend a special item they would like, even if they already have an old worn-out version of the same thing.

I've stuck the wedding list thingy in with the invites, because it's bloody easier. People want to buy people presents at a wedding, it doesn't matter what value it is (there's loads of cheaper stuff on our list).

I've not invited any moaning minnies to our wedding, it's all people who would feel perfectly comfortable buying from the list or not from the list or get nothing at all.. I can't stand all this social awkwardness, god, it doesn't really matter!

I normally go off list and get something personally to them..but I do ask first if that's okay. Otherwise I'll get it from the list.

What I really dislike is 'no gift is necessary however please do feel free to give money towards our dream honeymoon'

WTF...tacky as hell imo. Fine get married, have a wedding list, spend 2 years planning but I draw the line at paying for you to spend 2 weeks on your shagging honeymoon

Good to get that off my chest

I once went to an Ex Uni Friend's wedding (now a dentist) and everthing on their list was out of my league. Posh crockery @ £50 per plate etc and she needed six of them. We declined the invite cos we couldn't afford a gift which was a real shame.

Wedding lists aren't mandatory - you can give them money or get them something else. Personally, I think they are a great idea as you can get them something they really want. I can see how it can irk you a bit if they already have their household set up but if you are going to get them a gift anyway why not get them something they want/need.

I love a good wedding list. I nosey about other people's tastes. I'm lazy - I want to spend minimum effort choosing the present so a list makes my life much easier. I want them to have something they want, not what I want.

If I ever got married again I would be happy with either no gift at all or something from my list. Other people's taste in tat is not welcome and will be ebayed/burned/regifted at the first opportunity.

I think wedding lists are great when you dont know the couple well enough to pick something theyl really like , but is it just me that finds everything is really expensive , I could only afford to spend £30 on a couple who live near me , was invited to the dance , dont know them that well , and all i could get was a few teatowels , i felt a bit crap then haha

Aren't there similar threads every few months/weeks? Usually it descends into the wedding listers being told they are grasping, nasty, classless and rude, the and being a bit nonplussed by the level of vitriol they have received. I am of course in no way speaking from personal experience.

We recently gave a couple £50 trailfinders vouchers to help fund a honeymoon. Well the couple split 3 weeks after the wedding and the 'fund' was used up by the groom to go round the world after his bride left him!

We also have a reception coming up whereby the couple asked for pure hard 'cash'.

I would much rather give a gift. There is something magical about receiving a well thought out gift. Indeed not all people have the ability to give well though.

I also agree with the poster re baby showers but only with the stuff you really need, ie, leave out the impractical 0-3 months sailor outfits that will never get worn. I figure there is business potential in that sort of thing.

It might be a good rule to ask yourself if you'd be doing it if it wasn't an established tradition. If I was the first one setting out on this, I'd think more than twice!