Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be offended by wedding lists?

288 replies

chandellina · 30/08/2011 15:55

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

OP posts:
ViviPru · 30/08/2011 16:40

Well this has been a genuine revelation, I always thought the Trailfinders voucher idea was the solution, but seems that's also not everyone's idea of an ideal gift to give.

I generally create a piece of art to give as a gift, or am often asked to design & produce the invitations so have never had to really worry about it from a guests point of view, (sorry - sounds like a boast - not intended that way) but have often wondered what I'd do myself about gifts if I were to get married.

A friend of a friend asked her guests to gift the price of their cover at the wedding - how about THAT!!

kdiddy · 30/08/2011 16:43

I would always take a present to a wedding, so the practicality appeals to me, but I agree there is something that doesn't sit right with me about sending out a list of the goodies you want especially if they have already set up home. It just seems a bit transactional, as does comparing it to how much money they might have spent on you as a guest - it's their choice what sort of wedding they have, and your choice how much you spend, it's not a like-for-like comparison. I do know people who have asked for cash or honeymoon vouchers and it's just been a way of subsidising the day or holiday they want which I think is quite greedy.

I particularly hate it when people send the lists out with the invite - it seems so presumptuous - much better IMO to wait to be asked what they might like and then let people know on an individual basis.

One couple we know who had lived together for a number of years sent out 3 gift lists Shock. We bought them a bottle of lovely champagne.

SusanneLinder · 30/08/2011 16:54

I don't get the hatred of wedding lists. You don't have to use them if you don't want to IMO, but as I am a lazyarse, I would much rather buy someone's present online with click of a mouse and glass of vino in other hand, while catching up with a TV show. But then I am happy for people to be rude or honest and just say they want money. Job done.

I would rather spend the time that I have saved trundling round the shops looking for a wedding gift, trundling round the shops and buying a nice dress and SHOES to wear to the wedding. :)

IHeartKingThistle · 30/08/2011 17:00

I didn't want one, got pressured into it - I hate asking or stuff! A lot of people did say they found it easier though.

IHeartKingThistle · 30/08/2011 17:01

FOR stuff, of course Blush

wompoopigeon · 30/08/2011 17:17

I was verbally invited to save the date for a wedding the other side of the planet. I politely declined as we had no cash and a new baby.
Helpfully, they went to the trouble of posting us a wedding list anyway. Hmm
I hate the things and would never have had one. Why should I, who shop in Ikea, pay for you to upgrade from John Lewis to the Conran Shop? That's the way many wedding lists feel to me.
Tightarse and proud.

fluffles · 30/08/2011 17:19

we went for a honeymoon list - and it was not a two week beach jolly, it was a trip to trek in the andes - something we will remember for the rest of our lives, a real once in a lifetime experience.

it suited us and it suited our guests, some people are about casserole dishes and crockery sets - DH and i are more ikea plain white types - and some people are about eco-tours in the andes and everybody knows which we are Grin

redheadbedhead · 30/08/2011 17:26

I'm with you OP, absolutely HATE wedding lists. This started when my brother got married and I wanted to get him something really personal and meaningful, not on the list, and when I asked if I could, his wife to be (who I didn't get on with at the best of times) immediately shouted 'NO! you MUST get us something off the list!!!!'

She looked a bit embarrassed afterwards but didn't back down. I ended up buying them spoons. SPOONS, FFS.

I think the lists are money-grabbing and shameful when someone is already set up. When we got married last year we had a food list instead of a gift list, so we ended up with mountains of delicious food, some homemade. It was one of the best things about our wedding.

OiMissus · 30/08/2011 17:29

It's practical. Especially if the bride and groom have been together for a while. What could you buy them that they don't already have? As you say, they might have enough money to buy things for themselves - so probably buy stuff as they need it. A wedding list helps you to buy them the things they really want - the little luxuries that they wouldn't get for themselves.
It's tough being a bride in that position. You don't want to ask for anything - you feel rude - but you know that your friends and family will want to buy you a present. We had everything we needed, so we - in the nicest possible way said that we didn't need anything, but if guests wished to, they could contribute to the cost of a fab honeymoon, and put a postbox in the venue.
THAT felt cheeky too. You can't win.
Quite a few of our guests were disappointed that we didn't have a list.
Some of our guests bought us individual gifts - which we loved.
Ignore the list. I am sure that whatever you give, it will be appreciated and respected.
Some of our guests didn't give anything at all. That was OK.
But a couple of guests didn't even bring a card. That is almost unforgiveable. Some acknowledgement is required!

limitedperiodonly · 30/08/2011 17:30

My list was at John Lewis. I was setting up a home and had nothing. How else are you supposed to let people know what to get you?

It was quite modestly-priced because I didn't want to force people to pay a fortune if they didn't have much money but I was a bit miffed when someone quite well-off bought me a trivet for under £10 (just the one) and someone else gave me two peach-coloured hand towels from M&S when the colour I'd specified was dark green and not expensive. I suspect they'd been hanging about looking for a good home.

Oh well. I won in the passive-aggressive stakes because no guest paid for a single thing at my wedding and the tightwads probably felt quite awkward for a few minutes.

Worst gift was a mechanical metal orange squeezer which was a large statement piece and probably as expensive as it was useless.

LemonDifficult · 30/08/2011 17:30

YABU.

startail · 30/08/2011 17:46

My youngest cousin, got married over the Summer and they asked for money for the honeymoon (as they've lived together for years)
This suited me just fine (my DDs gave her some sparkly champagne glasses, because she was my flowergirl and they thought she ought to have a something slightly playful, since they are used to thinking of her as the 7 yearold on to of the telly. She's now 27 and I feel very old)
Since we all suspect marrige is a prelude to TTC a total child unfriendly trip seems perfect.

2kidsintow · 30/08/2011 18:07

I don't mind a wedding list if there is a wide range of prices for all budgets.

I was not happy to be invited to my sisters ENGAGEMENT party, to find that there was a list for that. I thought that was cheeky.

beanandspud · 30/08/2011 19:16

Given that I can't imagine going to a wedding without buying a present I would much rather buy/contribute to something that the Bride and Groom really want. I'd prefer not to be asked for cash but at the end of the day it's their choice (and up to the guest whether you choose to do that).

Having said that I didn't particularly like being asked for Bathstore vouchers when the B&G made no secret of the fact that they were trying to finish a bathroom is a house that they were renovating to sell on quickly.

Online lists are definitely the way forward though and would have made things a lot easier for another friend who turned up at the reception with a gift-wrapped ironing board Grin

Andrewofgg · 30/08/2011 20:39

If I have to go to weddings I prefer a list, preferably online. Click-click and it's done. What's not to like.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 30/08/2011 20:41

YABU. You're going to get them a present, you know you are. It's traditional and you'd be a tightarse if you didn't. So surely it's better to get them something they want?

smelli · 30/08/2011 20:46

My partner and I lived for nearly 5 years together before we got married. Most of the stuff we got when we moved in together was hand me down stuff from our parents and cheap bits from woollies. 10 years later when I look at the lovely saucepans from one cousin, the ironing board that doesn't wobble from another I another I always think of them. Isn't that what a present should be?

There is also a quid-pro-quo about it. l'll spend 100 quid a head on a fantastic party, you spend 100 quid on some stuff for my house.
Just like we did at your wedding.

We don't like baby showers because they are not part of our culture but one of many transplants from a place we have too much from already!

Cereal · 30/08/2011 20:47

YABU.

It's fine to have a wedding list, as long as you wait for people to ask for it. This way you're not "asking for presents", you are only providing information to people who have requested it, and not to those who would prefer to give you a surprise present or none at all.

However, including a gift list with invitations is impolite, as it implies expectation that people might get you a gift, and that you'd like to tell them what to buy.

sittinghippo · 30/08/2011 20:48

I'm getting married in two months, and have chosen not to have a gift list. Main reasons being that my partner and I have two children, already live together, and are having a very budget wedding.
By no means are we well-off, nor do we have matching crockery and bed sets, and I just feel that I dont want people spending more money on us than we are on ourselves IYSWIM.

By the time guests have (presumably) bought new outfits, new shoes, organised accommodation and taxis and so on and so on, I would not expect them to then have to fork out more money on gifts for us. Even our bridesmaid and best man are paying for their own wedding clothes.

Yes of course it would be lovely to have lots of shiny new things, but not necessary.

Our ceremony is going to incorporate the christenings of our daughters, so those that have been pressuring me for a list, I have said if they really want to get something, then just a small gift for the girls.

ReindeerBollocks · 30/08/2011 20:49

OP - will you talk to my mum for me please? She is trying to convince me to have a list, I am trying to convince her it is rude. We have children and a home together already FGS, why should I need anything? I genuinely want people to just come an enjoy themselves (that apparently makes me selfish Hmm)

I don't mind if others issue lists and I always buy from them as that is what the couple want.

I hate the idea of baby showers though. I know having a baby is expensive but the idea just seems a bit of an imported idea and well, just a bit twee. I have known people have them for subsequent children - why when you will probably already have all the stuff you need?!

Wedding lists are a bit grabby but baby showers are horribly grabby IMO. (tis why I didn't have either!)

Cereal · 30/08/2011 20:49

I don't like baby showers because of the timing. They take for granted that the baby will arrive safely. Far better to send a congratulations card and gift once baby has arrived.

ReindeerBollocks · 30/08/2011 20:49

Snap sittinghippo great minds hey?

redheadbedhead · 30/08/2011 20:51

YES!!! sittinghippo and reindeer at last some sane people!!

sittinghippo · 30/08/2011 20:56
Grin

Reindeer when's your wedding?

Redhead I like your food idea, I did something similar with close family when DD1 was due. Kept me in hot meals for weeks Smile

Cereal · 30/08/2011 20:59

Choosing not to have a list is personal preference. It doesn't mean it's rude if people do choose to have one.