to be offended by wedding lists?

[chandellina]

It's one thing if you are truly setting up home for the first time as a young couple. Quite different IMO if you have owned a home and lived together for the past 10 years and now want a bunch of new things courtesy of a John Lewis gift list.

AIBU to resent my friends asking me to buy them new saucepans, duvet covers and towels? And why do we tolerate these lists, yet balk at the idea of baby showers, which actually serve a useful purpose?

I can only assume that those posters who are anti-wedding list have never had a year where they have 12 (yes 12) weddings to go to (and buy gifts for).

Wedding lists made that year so much easier.

I wonder what MNers would think of my friend's wedding where they had a safe at the entrance where you could pop your envelope of cash ...

But where my friend is from, that's the culture. you ONLY give cash, roughly working out how much you being a guest cost to the couple.

We were invited to a wedding. It was 2nd time around for both of them.

Inside the invitation they had included a little printed card that said something along the lines of, 'as we have been living together for 5 years, we have everything we need for our home but we would really appreciate any donations as we hope to go to the Caribbean later this year'.

These strange standards. Do you normally give a gift to a couple getting married? Yes. Do we all know this is a standard practice? Yes.

So why is letting people know what you'd like IF they are giving a gift such an issue? Be it a list in Harrods or Lidl, money or vouchers, really it seems a lot of you British do not like direct approaches that simplify life. I hope none of you ever receive a Dutch wedding invitation with the wee envenope symbol on as a gift suggestion. Or attend a Greek wedding wheer you pin your envelope of cash on the bride's dress.

My aforementioned Lladro fixated aunt despite being Irish has lived in England most of her life, maybe she has been infected.

Its strange isn't it? All these ideas about who is allowed to have what and so on. Living together a while? Then you already have towels, how very dare you want some nice new ones! Shocking.

Very british, being offended by totally innocuous things.

I'm not offended by lists.

If there is nothing I want to buy from list, I get them a present of my choosing. Simples.

I'm not offended by other people's wedding lists - I understand the logic behind it, and I know it's the usual thing to do these days. But would not want to have one myself, it would just not feel right somehow. I don't want to seem to be expecting gifts. The same way I wouldn't specify a dress code - it feels odd to be telling people what they may or may not wear.

Actually I would like to say 'no gifts please' as honestly I don't want anything, just want people to be there and have a nice time. I'm not sure if that would be considered rude by some people though! And if we suggest charity donations instead of gifts, will some be offended by that?

That's weddings for you though - it seems like whatever you do, someone will take offence or think it's wrong!

I recently went to a huge fancy wedding where the bride and groom did not have a gift list. The bride did not have one because they didn't want any gifts, already have a well appointed home blah blah.

Unfortunately she didn't communicate this at all and thus received about 300 gifts of stuff mostly totally not to her taste (Lladro figurines, cut glass, photo frames etc) which were basically destined for charity shops or possibly Ebay. They didn't even bother opening half of them! No thank you cards were sent either, very rude.

Such a waste of people's time and money. Personally I would have happily given cash, donation to charity or whatever, rather than feel the bride and groom didn't care about the gifts they were given.

I think people just want to know one way or the other, grasping or not!

Having a list - fine

Putting little card with details of list in with invitation - bad manners

Asking for cash - bad manners

Jesus you're damned if you do and damned if you don't!

wildstrawberry - there is never an excuse for not sending thank you notes. that is outrageous.

So 120 guests who always were going to buy a present have to ring up the b&g and beg for the list that could have been stuck in the envelope in the first place? What a faff and utterly pointless. Why do you feel the need to pretend you're not getting them anything?

I don't particularly like wedding lists as they seem a bit impersonal but at least you know you're buying something that the couple really want.

A while ago we went to a friend's wedding: we bought one of the cheapest things off the incredibly long John Lewis list (£50), drove all the way to London, paid a bloody fortune to stay in a hotel two nights, and never even got a thank you for the present. This couple are probably the richest out of all our friends and the only ones who have had a list. I am still incredibly resentful about their shocking bad manners!

I know it's not considered terribly good form but for our very low budget wedding, just after we graduated, DH and I asked for holiday vouchers so we could afford a honeymoon. We then spent the first couple of days of the holiday writing and sending thank-you postcards to everyone who had come to the wedding.

IMO putting a gift list in the invitation is just bad manners. It comes across to me as a begging letter.

In my experience questions about the list will go to a number of different members of the family. If the Bride & Groom cant be bothered to handle the questions which come their way then perhaps they should cut the guest list as the whole thing is beyond their ability to manage.

Wedding lists where the B&G have been living together for some time or have both been married before are just plain greedy unless there is good reason why they dont have normal household stuff.

A wedding list in the invitation to the evening part of a reception where the guests are going to be offered a mean looking buffet and a pay bar goes beyond greed.

Of course I dont say this to people but I judge, I do judge!

A family friend of mine set up a website where people could buy bits of their honeymoon!!!!

They were going to China for 3 weeks and people could buy 1/4 of their day trip to the terracotta warriors, or 1/2 price of a trip on the Yantzee (? spelling?) river etc.

can you do wedding lists at Oxfam? When we had DD the present that really made me happy was an oxfam gift to educate girls in rural africa. Already married (with 4 1/2 guests and no presents), but if I was do do it again I'd set up a gift list on oxfam and educate a whole lot of girls.

I don't think it's cheeky of people to have a gift list. At the end of the day, it's all about them and what they want as a gift. I love looking at a couple of my wedding gifts and being reminded of the friends they are from. Although I do think that the card should not be included in the invite and that there should be a range of items that cater for all budgets.

ziptoes that's lovely!

We were setting up home and had next to nothing when we married. With some misgivings we had a list which our mothers had to show anyone who asked. One item was a kingsize duvet cover, in pink. The person who gave us this, when I went to thank her, said "I had a lovely double sized green one here to give you..." I felt awful but there would really not have been any point in one that didn't fit the duvet, let alone the colour issue!

I think it's a bit of a cheek to enclose a gift list when you're only invited to the evening do for numbers

Well, as with everything to do with weddings, there's no way in hell you'll be able to please everyone, so you might just as well go ahead and please yourself. And when it comes to gifts, you will never, ever get consensus - the two sides will just never get the other.

My personal feeling is that gift lists are useful, but should not be included in with the invitation. Giving a gift may be a foregone conclusion, but an expectation of a gift lacks class. Just my opinion, which I'd never voice to anyone except DH and you lot, but an opinion I won't change.

Our wedding was abroad (seriously long haul for many people) so the whole idea of in any way insinuating to our guests that we wanted - let alone expected - gifts filled me with horror. We categorically did not want gifts; we were honestly just delighted if people were able to make it. Of course to those in the 'I want a present, dammit!' camp that is pious and supercilious. Whatever.

Asking people to chip in for your honeymoon is cheap and tacky, and asking for cash is akin to begging. Asking people for cash, in the wedding invitation and then providing your bank details is utterly beyond the pale and you clearly have the social graces of a sow. Again, my opinion. Again, I wouldn't voice it in real life.

And therein lies the rub. As I say, you can't please everyone so you might as well do what you want, but just know that whatever you do there will be people eye-rolling you big-time behind your back.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, If someone is setting up home together then a gift lists with pots and pans and mugs on is reasonable but if you have lived together for 10 years you are clearly just expecting everyone to redo your house for you. And John Lewis?? Do they think you are made of money??

When we got married we didnt mention any gifts and when people asked what we wanted i asked for Argos vouchers because i wanted a plasma tv, i picked a 42inch which was in the sale and told everyone this was the one i wanted. we had just moved in together and was using a 1980s tv my dad found in his loft which took 3 men to carry it! This was reasonabable, i could of gone to john lewis and picked a tv 3 times the price but thats just cheeky.

Suzanne - I would never buy a present off the gift list for just an evening do, i think a bottle of wine or chocolates more than sufices!

we recently went to a wedding of someone DH works with and i got them a voucher as i dont really know them that well and never got a thankyou card i was so annoyed, it doesnt take long, i sent thankyou cards to people who didnt even buy us presents because near enough everyone had to travel and pay for hotels i sent one just to say thanks for coming!

I think this is something that spouses-to-be just cannot please everyone over.

There are people who only like to give gifts they know are wanted, and welcome a gift list (as long as it has a good range of items and not just eye wateringly costly stuff) so they can easily just pick something in their price range and be sure the happy couple get something they actually want.

Others resent being dictated what to give and would rather choose something original by themselves or give cash/vouchers.

DH and I wrote on our wedding invites that no gifts were expected, but if people did want to give us something then cash, vouchers or gifts of any kind were all equally welcome and if anyone needed help choosing a suitably useful gift then to apply to our mothers for inspiration (mothers were primed with a good list of things so any enquirer could be given a couple of sensible options.)

I don't think we offended anyone and we found ourselves the recipients of a wide range of gifts, some modest and some expensive. Some people did their own thing (a weekend in a luxury hotel, an original oil painting, hand carved christmas tree ornaments, a cord of firewood, crystal studded velvet collars for the deeply ungrateful and evil cats, CD of Christmas carols, antique cookery book) some people did ask our mothers (plain white gravy boat, clothes horse, muffin tins, stick blender) and others opted for cash or vouchers.

We thanked them all, and meant it. I think a good part of the reason that we didn't get a single bum gift was because we let people give what they wanted to give without pressure or demand.

Personally, I don't mind what people ask for as long as they bother to say thank you for whatever they are given. Not sending a proper thank you card is a bit poor, but a phone call or even an email or would be more acceptable than total silence.

TillyIspwitch - Agreed, if people have to get a plane to go to your wedding you shouldn't expect gifts!

Can't believe people don't send thank you cards. I think that's awful.

We had two people not buy us gifts at our wedding - friends of our parents who keep saying they will get us something and BIL and his fiancé. I have to admit I am kinda curious as to why not with regards to BIL and am wondering what I should do next year when it is their wedding. It's not that I am upset about a lack of no gift but I am curious as to why not iyswim. I am fairly nosey though.

YANBU. I hate it. Spoiled buggers; it is rude as hell -especially when included in invite. A person should NEVER be rude as such to expect a present and say so from the off.

If- which they do 90% of time- the guest wishes to buy a present, a telephone number should be provided with a contact name but there should be no mention of gifts; it should be worded along lines of: 'any enquiries, contact this person'.

Anybody who is rude enough to explicitly state what they want without being asked first is a chav.