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AIBU?

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

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smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 21:57

WidowWadman, as much as I can see that your arrangement works for you and your partner, you need to understand that this is very different.

Op's DH has been lying to her, hiding things etc. On top of that he is hinting that he is discontent with his current lifestyle making the OP feel that their relationship has a problem. Her problem does not lie with the other woman as much as it lies with her Dh's behaviour in the matter. Even if OP was being a little difficult about it, he should try to be sensitive to about it and reassure her in some way seeing as he is the one who will know the true nature of his relationship with his ex. Instead he is giving her more reason to be concerned by his behaviour and after all, OP is a woman like any other and she wants to know where her man's priorities are. It looks as though he is willing to confide more in this woman than in OP, creating a massive cause for concern.

I'm very sure that WidowWadman's DP has treated her feelings with respect in regards to the his ex's so that you have no reason to be upset or angry about it. That's great, but it is not the case for poor OP

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:57

So yes the op is justified to feel the way she is. Why should she be treated like an idiot and like crap.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:59

He speaks about the negative stuff to his ex, but from what op has said about the nature of his contact, does not speak aobut her in a positive way. Yes he does not seem very happy about his life at the moment.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 22:04

Keeping letters from exes is surely no different to keeping a diary you've written in the past?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/08/2011 22:07

What seems to be happening here is that the ex is undermining the OP's marriage - and the OP's dh is providing the fuel for her to do so.

I'm not given to jealousy, possessiveness or other insecurities in my dealings with others, but if I am in a committed relationship I expect my partner to reciprocate my trust and loyalty and to honour and value me in the same manner that I honour and value them.

The OP's dh may be using his communications with his ex to feed his ego but, in turn, he's destroying the OP's confidence in him and in their marriage. If he doesn't take steps to rein in this dangerous liaison she may, quite rightly, tell him to take a hike.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 22:08

and treasuring them .

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 22:10

His priorities lie with the op, he married her, made (in my opinion I am Christian) a lifelong comittment to her, therefore his loyalties should be with his wife, not maintaining a relationship with a jealous ex, yes that is what she is.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 22:11

I can see that he's been hiding things, and that she's not happy about the secrecy. I don't like secrecy either. However, would he be hiding things if he hadn't been told to cease contact with her?

Things don't seem to be good bteween her and her husband, but can this be all blamed on the husband and the ex? Is there any chance left for them to talk about it nd maybe find an arrangement both can live with? Asking him to give up his ex as a friend obviously doesn't work, and the OP's desire to check his communication channels certainly doesn't anything to improve the relationship.

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/08/2011 22:11

Why are you facebooking an old fiance Perry? Are you secretly hoping they'll pop out of the screen and jump on your face?

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 22:14

He should therefore be doing all he can to regain her trust, and yes if that means ditching this marriage damaging relationship, than so be it. The op is not saying that he cannot have any friends, or that she minds him contacting exes. She does not come over as controlling at all. Just that this 'friendship' is damaging their marriage and should be cut dead quite rightly so, regardless off past. the past is in the past and that is where it should remain in this case.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 22:16

My boundaries might be that me and dp can have contact with a million ex's, doesnt make my boundaries right and the OP's wrong. What our boundaries are is irrevelant, we are going in circles!

The OP's boundaries have been set and if her dh doesnt like them, he should tell her so, rather than agreeing that he shouldnt be messaging his ex and saying he will stop, then going behind the OP's back and contacting her again.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 22:16

Mabey widow its the only way. The dh has to think long and hard about what is important, this friendship or his marriage. I am glad to say that my dh would respect my feelings anytime, no i am not controlling, he has friends which he sees and goes out with, but unlike the dh he is open and honest about things so I have no reason to be concerned.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 22:18

claw3 I agree with you on that one, it'd be better if he had said outright that he won't cease contact rather than doing it secretely

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 22:20

It's not about the contact per se, it's the content of the contact. IMO anyway.

thesunshinesbrightly · 28/08/2011 22:22

Men are wankers and all the same dunno why women bother.

smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 22:23

Theres nothing wrong with being a friend with an ex, provided you make them respect your relationship and you handle things accordingly. There is no way that OP should be feeling like this, he is acting very irresponsibly and clearly is not caring for OP's feelings which is never ok

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/08/2011 22:23

Absolutely, Hissy - the OP's dh is being disloyal to the vows he made to her.

smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 22:23

thesunshinesbrightly , if only life were that simple!!

OneMoreChap · 28/08/2011 22:25

Nope, you're not being unreasonable per se, if you don't like the content of the emails.

How did you find out the content?
Were they hidden from you, made surreptiously?
Do they contain sexual/intimate content.

If they weren't hidden, don't contain intimacy, but you're upset because you told him not to contact her again... sorry, suck it up.

If I said, "I don't want my wife to have an old male friend staying at my house, while I'm away", I'd get a new one ripped.

He's emailing someone, in another country who's partnered up. Perspective?

thesunshinesbrightly · 28/08/2011 22:26

Well i for one have had about as much as i can take of them, would rather die alone than put up with the lieing scum.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 22:27

Thesunshines, i wouldnt agree with that, not all of them are.

smallmotherbigheart · 28/08/2011 22:29

Everyone has their faults, some more than others xx

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Claw3 · 28/08/2011 22:29

Widow, he needs to grow a pair, if he was to say no im not ceasing contact, then his wife would want to know why not and i suspect he doesnt know how to answer that.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 22:34

claw3 - I agree he needs to grow a pair. I guess an answer to the question why he wants to maintain contact is "Because I care about her". Which is entirely reasonable, they wouldn't be friends if he didn't

thesunshinesbrightly · 28/08/2011 22:35

I sound really bitter don't i? funny thing is i'm not ashamed to admit i am.

Op - No advice but i couldn't deal with the secrets and i hate liers i would have to leave him.

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