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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

OP posts:
Original poster
Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 19:23

widow how can it not matter? Thats the whole point!

OP posts:
cheekeymonkey · 28/08/2011 19:26

Is reject finally getting some sleep?

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 19:31

He's probably off baiting those on the Feminist Board again.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 19:34

Toplistmaker, you say you have been together for 6 years, have their emails always been like this?

cheekeymonkey · 28/08/2011 19:42

Ah. is that his game? It is just when (because I am suffering from big time insomnia) I logged on at 4am he was posting then.

cheekeymonkey · 28/08/2011 19:43

Toplister I have had this exact same relationship and the x was not the only secret he liked to keep, he is disrepectful and you deserve better.

pchip · 28/08/2011 19:47

Widow, believe it or not, when your feelings get hurt by someoene, that someone may be thinking you are being completely irrational and you're not in the right. But instead of dismissing your feelings and your hurt, that person (when he/she cares about you) stops behaving that way. Yup, simply because they care about you and don't want to hurt you further.

Of course this his happens frequently, etc then that is a different scenario. But the OP is describing a one-off situation and you should be replying to that, instead assuming and jumping to conclusions about the rest of her relationship, or even the relationship of the other woman and her partner.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 19:51

pchip - why not assume for one second that the partner might be hurt by the OP's lack of trust in him and by being forced to end a friendship he values because of it?

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 19:54

He should not be discussing you with her, or dissing you to her, doing that is disloyal and needs addressing.

It does not sound harmless at all and I in your position would feel threatened and tell him to either stop contact or I'm fucking off.

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 19:54

Oh does he use gmail? and can you access his account if so go into the settings and get forwarded copies of all the mail he receives, he won't know!

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 19:55

Widow the whole point is the OP feels it goes beyond friendship. After reading what the OP has written dont you?

Do you have frequent chats with your ex which involve only reminiscing about what you shared in the past and regrets of what they should have done together, and to complain about your current life and your partner?

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 20:04

Fabbychic "Oh does he use gmail? and can you access his account if so go into the settings and get forwarded copies of all the mail he receives, he won't know!"

I think that would be an absolute dealbreaker in a relationship. If you feel the need to snoop into your partner's mail you might as well end it, as there's not an ounce of trust or respect left.

manicgeek · 28/08/2011 20:06

@ Claw3

I accept I could well have read this wrongly.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 20:18

Manicgeek, sorry youve lost me?

izzywhizzyletsgetbusy · 28/08/2011 20:20

Read the thread Widow and you'll see that the ex was less than enthusiastic about her former paramour becoming engaged to the OP.

You may also realise that should anyone finds it necessary to discuss the state of their current relationship with an ex, it is less than respectful to their oh if they say anything negative about them or unfavourably compare their present relationship to the one they had with their ex - and IMO if they shoud behave in this way, they are not worthy of trust or respect.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 20:25

I've read the thread and understand that the ex isn't too chuffed about OP. I wouldn't be too chuffed if an ex's new love would want to ban him from talking to me. Obviously there's no love lost between them. Still, the ex, who now is a friend, was there first. You can't ask someone to ditch their past, just because you're around now.

As for discussing your relationship with a close friend - nothing wrong with getting someone else's perspective - I'd always rather discuss a relationship problem with a close friend than publicly posting on the internet about it.

Tiredmumno1 · 28/08/2011 20:30

Cheekey, reject is probably busy slagging mn off, i found this on another site posted this afternoon by reject - "it seems mumsnet is being run by a bunch of rabid feminists.... Banned for daring to make posts within the rules, whilst being abused from all quarters..... Thus is the state of womanhood within britain"

Hmm sounds like reject is a few short of a full set.

Sorry for hijack

Op yanbu, have another word and explain it makes you feel uncomfy with some of the exchanges and see if you can get it sorted

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 20:35

Its hardly a new love, they have been together for 6 years and married for 2, she is his wife. So whoever was there first has trumps over your marriage!!

OP isnt asking her dh to ditch his past, because she is around now. She is asking him to not contact his ex because of what is being said between them.

manicgeek · 28/08/2011 20:37

Claw3 wrote:

Manicgeek, sorry youve lost me?

I'm under a different account name, replace manicgeek with rejectOfAllah.

manicgeek · 28/08/2011 20:41

Tiredmumno1 wrote:

Cheekey, reject is probably busy slagging mn off, i found this on another site posted this afternoon by reject - "it seems mumsnet is being run by a bunch of rabid feminists.... Banned for daring to make posts within the rules, whilst being abused from all quarters..... Thus is the state of womanhood within britain"

hmm sounds like reject is a few short of a full set.

Well I've had two accounts banned on the sole reasoning that the administrator 'feels' I 'might' be a troll. Something they and every other accuser has failed to produce a single piece of evidence to support. They've managed to ban two accounts of mine whilst ignoring the lovely women wandering around here breaking all the rules witn regards to posts about and to me.

And yes I made a comment upon FST, why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I be allowed to comment upon gender discrimnation being practised against me?

TeddyRuxpin · 28/08/2011 20:43

I Don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP and this would also make me very uncomfortable and insecure.
It's one thing maintaining contact and even exchanging photos of children but to be talking about his relationship with you and saying he misses aspects of his relationship with her is overstepping the mark IMO.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 20:45

Manicgeek, oh i see. Good on ya for admitted to it Smile the maybe not reading it correctly, not to being Rejctofallah that is!

Tiredmumno1 · 28/08/2011 20:45

Well manic i find it very sexist that you tar all women with the same brush, its not up to us posters what mnhq do, so take it up with them,

And i hate to inform you that mn is used by females and males all over the world.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 20:47

Manicgeek, apologises for assuming you are a 'she' earlier in the thread. It has since transpired that you are in fact a 'he'.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 20:54

How would you feel like widow if the boot was on the other foot and your dp/dh lied to you, his, ex was not keen on you, and disapproved of your relationship, and your dp was discussing personal details of your relationship with someone who did not like you and did not approve of your engagement. I don't think you would be thrilled would you? The dh has done nothing to reassure her, infact he has lied, he has said he would not contact her, yet he has and in secret. He cannot have his cake and eat it, he has to decide who is more important, his ex or op!

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