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AIBU?

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

OP posts:

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fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 11:15

reject, you are confusing being controlling with not letting someone take the piss out of you. The OP's husband is taking the piss here - flirting with his ex and moaning about his current life. The ex has already said she wasn't happy when they got engaged. We are not talking about a normal friendship here or normal, chatty behaviour between exes. On the whole, I think it is nice to stay in contact with people you cared for, but there are certain things you don't discuss with an ex, and dissatisfaction with your new partner is one of them.

I think there is something wrong with a person who doesn't care if their unreasonable behaviour is upsetting their partner and carries on doing it anyway!

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 11:20

Also it only works if your ex is.respectful of your DP. His ex is not. That rings alarm bells too. If she was happy with her DH in Spain why would she allow this.to continue. Very disrespectful of them both. Poor OP.

Animation · 28/08/2011 11:20

"And he has every right to adopt the same position as so many of you here have stated and leave her, because he won't have anyone control him..."

I guess Regect is highlighting a 'Mumsnet Philosophy' here (that I've come across) that regular chats with exes is a perfectly OK thing to do, and that the partner who doesn't like it is being controlling.

I personally don't think it's too clever to be having regular chats with exes.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 11:23

From what you have said about their emails, seems to be lots of i miss you, i wish you were here and if only and personal references that only they would understand. Thats not what friends do, thats what ex lovers do who have shared intimate moments.

Whether they have intentions of taking it further or not, its not fair on you.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 11:35

It seems many of you are determined to destroy any chance this woman has of sorting this out with her partner, with your judgements about what this mans friendship with his ex partner who lives with another man and their child in another country means... I give up. I have to advise the OP to leave her partner now... she obvioulsy doesn't trust him, and can't accept that he has the right to choose his own friends, even if she doesn't like them... and she most certainly doesn't have the right to control his life... so she should do the decent thing and split up with him.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 28/08/2011 11:35

It's not that him being friends with an ex is a problem. It's the nature of the 'friendship' that is causing problems. There is, from what you've posted, an intimacy there that shouldn't be there. There's a big difference between conversations about how life is going and conversations about how his life went wrong.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:45

My goodness reject this woman is not controlling is friendships. Would you be concerned if your partner/husband contacted his ex behind your back, ex was not happy about your relationship with your dp, and they were discussing intimate moments behind your back, and that he preferred the life they had together with ex rather than with you . This is not a friendship, its pushing the boundaries beyond friendship. Of course the op has every right to be concerned. This friendship is affecting their relationship not only because op is not happy, but the dh seems to prefer the life he had with his ex and they are reliving personal and intimate moments together. This is NOT WHAT PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP IS.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:48

There is a good reason as to why everyone is disagreeing with you

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 11:51

I get what Reject is saying, every relationship is based on trust and if you cant trust someone then whats the point.

But if you love someone, have children together etc then there is a chance that trust can be rebuilt, but not while he is going behind her back and exchanging intimate messages with his ex, it cant!

Animation · 28/08/2011 11:56

These chats with his ex are WAY too intimate - and he could still have a thing for her.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 11:57

She told him that his friendship with his X was upsetting her.
She is now upset that he conducts that friendship secretively.

She doesn't want him to be friends with his X because she feels threatened by another woman, who is with another man and their child in another country.

She is suspicious of the things he says in emails... his reminscing with his X partner, and all of you have judged that he shouldn't be allowed to reminsce and that it must mean all sorts of 'bad' things. And you've all expressed it over and over again.

She has no evidence of wrong doing on his part, no evidence of wrong doing oin the part of his X... but lets not let that get in the way of passing a judgement about how he is going to or wants to do wrong by her... oh no.

The universal judgement of MumsNet members is that he is a bad un and will do wrong, that his friendship is wrong, and that he should roll over and let the OP dictate who he can have as friends.

I'll take this from another angle:
This is NOT WHAT PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP IS

This is NOT WHAT A RELATIONSHIP IS. If you don't trust your partner to this degree and are willing to have random strangers tell YOU that he is doing wrong by you, despite not having ay evidence of it whatsoever... simply because he refuses to have you control who he can and can't be friends with... then your relationship is screwed already.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 11:58

Reject, are you seriously suggesting everyone should just 'split up' whenever trust boundaries are pushed, rather than trying to sort it out?

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 12:00

Reject She wrote that she still treasures my dhs letters.. there is definitely still feeling on her part but she may just be stroking his ego, I know she would love it if we broke up, he left her so of course there are issues there.
We have been together 6 yrs, married for 2 & a baby together and I want to make it work but so tired of his lies over this, I dont want to control his life, I told him in the past it wouldnt bother me if when they spoke he told me about it so I didnt feel it was a private thing between the 2 of them. He says he dosent regret breaking up with herm but that he does miss her dad...

OP posts:

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 12:02

animation yes my feelings exactly! Its not how normal friends are

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 28/08/2011 12:03

Why does he feel the need to maintain this freindship when it upsets you so much? Why is it important to him?

I would be more focussed on that tbh.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:04

reject are you the other woman! He has obviously given out cause for concern so yes op has every right to. And yes a lot of what she knows about the both of them are based on fact, not what op is imagining. Either he should do op a favour and leave her, or cut ties with this woman and sort things out with the op.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:05

Distance has never stopped people from having affairs if thats what is going on or might happen in the future.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:06

Exactly DoMe if he loved and cared for the op he would cut this friendship dead!

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 12:06

karmabeliever I agree theres nothing wrong with being friendly with an ex as long as its not deceptively done and there arent ulterior motives, unfortunately this is not the case. My dh would never want us to be in the same room, and is two faced in his conversations with her.

OP posts:

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:07

As soon as I got together with dh he cut all contact with his ex, they used to be friends. I did not encourage him or say anything, its was HIS choice not mine. I would not have minded if he still wanted to remain platonic friends with her but he did as he wanted to be with me.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 12:13

I still treasure letter I have from women in my past... because I loved them... because they were great friends at the time... it means no more than that... it could be the same for the letters she treasures.

Hang on... he told you he doesn't regret breaking up with her... he's chosen to be with you... but you still don't trust him?

I'm also not so sure about this thing where you expect him to tell you he's spoken to her... how do you think you saying that to him feels to him? If it were me it would make me feel as if you didn't trust me...

I hate to have to say it... this woman lives with another man in another country, she has a child with this other man... you need to get over the paranioa you seem to feel about her... he made his choice... he chose you.

Maybe bringing his friendship with this X out into the open... accepted and trusted as just being a friendship would make it much easier to accept that she's just an old flame. Sit and make it crystal clear that you are placing your trust in him, over this... and then try not to whince too much when he mentions her name... it could be worse... he could take up golf ;-)

fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 12:14

Toplist, I said at the start of this thread that in your position I would make my dh choose and I stand by that.

I don't think he will be truly happy with you (or you with him) while he still has one foot in this other relationship.

Being properly committed to you, means being loyal to you. what he is doing here is very disloyal. The things he is saying have gone beyond normal, cordial conversation with an ex.

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DoMeDon · 28/08/2011 12:19

I don't think you should tell him to cut all ties with her tbh. If you force him to stop the freindship it is a false kind of commitment. Better to ask him why it is important and accept his choice. It takes time to build attachment to another and time to detach.

If you find the idea of him sharing personal information with someone he had a strong attachment to, you can vote with your feet but I imagine by approaching this differently you will be more likely to get the result you want.

DoMeDon · 28/08/2011 12:20

should read... *strong attachment to, too hard, you can.....

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 12:21

I agree with Reject in as much as this is all about trust.

I dont believe OP is being controlling, by objecting to the contents of the messages, the OP's dp is pushing the OP's boundaries on trust.

Perhaps you need to establish exactly what your boundaries are? On one hand you are saying you dont mind him contacting her and on the other that you only want them to talk about certain things.

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