AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

[Toplistmaker]

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

[Claw3]

Widow, im not saying the OP is automatically right just because her boundaries have been broken.

I was saying that Reject while accusing others of talking shit, making assumptions and doing the OP no favours, is in fact the one who is not actually listening to what the OP is saying and picking out comments, which suit her arguement and ignoring others, to make her personal boundaries right.

We all have different boundaries and it doesnt make the OP automatically wrong, just because those boundaries dont match ours.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

It seems as if they have adopted each other as 'fall back position'; if our present marriages/relationships don't work out we can simply pick up where we left off without having to be arsed to work out where our present relationships went wrong, or make an effort to get 'out there' to find new partners.

From the little that is known about the ex, spoilt and demanding has been mentioned and, as those words usually indicate a controlling personality who enjoys being the centre of attention, I suspect that it may be she who's gradually upped the ante in this correspondence.

She may be the type of woman who is of the opinion that she can have any man she wants and that includes her former conquests because she believes that, once they've fallen under her spell, they'll always compare other women to her and find them lacking.

To this extent the OP's dh may be being played like a fish, but his ex can only jerk the line while he's willing to stay on the end of the hook.

What is obvious is that the OP's dh is being disrespectful by implying to his ex that he may not be entirely happy in this marriage to the OP, and he needs to think very carefully about why he's acting in this manner.

Is he using the correspondence with his ex as a way of escaping reality? Indulging in flights of fantasy - including those over Italy? Is he reliving his youth in the hope that he can stave off the ageing process? Is he deeply insecure and using it to boost his ego, or to convince the OP that if she dumps him he's got another woman eager to get into bed with him, so to speak?

Effectively he's created a situation where the OP is, in the immortal words, one of three in her marriage. As that is one too many for most self-respecting women, he may find that continuing to intimately liaise with his ex erodes the OP's trust and love and he'll be stuck with his ex from hell either in fantasy or reality.

Personally, I'd be sorely tempted to book him a flight to Spain so he can see the windmill he's tilting at, and so that he come face to face with his ex's current partner.

Show him this thread OP so he can see that, in the opinion of the majority, he's being a plonker. As for missing his ex's dad - aw, my heart bleeds for him not. It's time for him to put away childish things, grow up, and start being a decent husband to you and a role model for his own progeny.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

'may not be entirely happy in this marriage to the OP' should read 'may not be entirely happy in his marriage to the OP.

And, in passing, I second numerous other responders on this thread in saying Reject, you are talking bollox and I suspect your own are of miniscule proportions.

[pigletmania]

widow its very wrong if its affecting your current relationship. An ex is just that.

[NorfolkBroad]

Absolutely pigelet, my DP was very much of the "you don't have contact with exes" type (because she'd had a long term DP that had gone back to her ex) but I have a child with mine so it was different for me.

We had to work really hard to make it ok between the two of them and it was INCREDIBLY hard for my DP. I would never had sought to make it worse for her by sending cosy little emails regretting things we hadn't done together or complaining about my DP to her. That is so hurtful. Time and understanding have made all the difference in my situation but that was because everyone involved wanted to be respectful of each other and saw that it was in our DCs interest for it to work.

Anyone contacting their ex in the way that OPs is doing now is kidding themselves if they think it is appropriate or healthy. It suggests he cares more about his ex than his DP. And Reject, how do you explain the way his ex responded to their engagement?! Hardly cause for reassurance! It screams "I am not over you!!"

[pigletmania]

Exactly Norfolk its fine if both people in the relationship are happy with it, and it does not overstep certain boundaries, which this unfortunately does. If I were the op I certainly would not be happy and quite rightly so.

[pchip]

At the end of the day, reject this boils down to one partner (OP) being hurt by her partner's actions. Her partner has the choice of continue that action knowing it hurts his partner, or stop it.

In a normal, healthy relationship, most people would agree that you DON'T continue to knowingly act in a way that causes your partner pain.

Never mind the WHYs, whether it's jealousy, irrationality, etc. If you love someone, you don't continue to knowingly and selfishly cause them pain.

[Toplistmaker]

HeifferunderConstruction you're right there! She is a proper nightmare.. but its my dh who hasnt stopped writing tho he promised, now he is promising again but I dont think he will stick to it...

[WidowWadman]

pigletmania If my husband had told me to sever ties with my ex, it would have been the end of the relationship. You can't expect someone to cut of their past just because they're with you now. That's just controlling.

[WidowWadman]

pchip "Never mind the WHYs, whether it's jealousy, irrationality, etc. If you love someone, you don't continue to knowingly and selfishly cause them pain."

So that means that the irrational one in the relationship is always right and you always should give in to whatever their demands are? I'm sure responses to an OP whose male partner tried to ban her to uphold a friendship with an ex, who lived abroad, happily partnered up with children, would be told to leave that controlling bastard

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

Au contraire Widow - if the situation were reversed and the OP was married to a dh who didn't want her complaining about him/their marriage to her ex and indulging in dredging up memories of their time together, I suspect she'd be told to get a grip and stop fantasising about what might have been.

The key is in your statement 'happily partnered up with children' - if someone is in this happy state, why the fuck would they continue to risk their happy relationship by engaging in something that made their partner feel less than loved and secure?

[Toplistmaker]

widow if that ex still treasures the old letters, dislikes the wife and was upset when they got engaged, its clear that this is NOT just a normal friendship! Friends are happy for friends when they get engaged. This ex has ulterior motives and would love to see my marriage finished. My dh is unfortunately just too blind to see it.

[pigletmania]

Errr no its not widow especially in this case it is affecting the op relationship and going beyond the boundaries of platonic friendship. Would you discuss personal details of your current relationship with your ex? Does your ex still have a thing for you? Was your ex unhappy because you are with your current partner, particularly after you got engaged. Do you have an open relationship with your ex and your current partner, whereby all are on friendly terms and meet each other from time to time?

This is the op situation and it is affecting their relationship and causing problems so its not acceptable because it goes over the boundaries of just ordinary friendship and getting more intimate between the two of them. In this situation the op h has to decide whether he wants a relationship with op and sever all ties with this woman, because his communicating with his ex, and her feelings towards op husband is not helping their relationship, or he should finish with the op and re start the relationship with his ex.

[lostintransition]

So have you spoken to him about it then? What did you say? And how did he respond?

[pigletmania]

My friend split up from her boyfriend, but the ex boyfriend and his now wife are still friends with my friend and they meet up from time to time, and all sides are happy with arrangement. My friend was even invited to their wedding, and their child's christening.

[Faffalina]

I think one day I would tell him I bumped into my own ex, and that I understand now and will be meeting up regularly as he "really made me laugh" or something like that... Maybe when the shoe's on the other foot (hate that expression!) he will think twice.

Or maybe he won't give a toss and my advice is crap. Hmmm.

Sorry, not sure what can be done. You don't want to finish it. He doesn't want to break off contact.

[pchip]

WidowWadman, just what makes you conclude that one of them being irrational, and what kind of position are you in to pass such a judgement on another person's relationship based on one problem the OP is describing?

Second of all "Always"? Really? "Always"? Bit childish and immature, if that's the way you approach anyone who has a different perspective to yours.

[pigletmania]

I would hardly call the op irrational widow perfectly justified to feel the way she does in those circumstances. By hell I would not put up with my dh secretly communicating with an ex who hates me, does not want to meet me, who did not like it when I got engaged to dh. who keeps old love letters and remincies over them, dh reliving old times with ex who hates me, and discussing personal things about our relationship to her, and who does not respect me or my feelings. He would be right out the door.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

If the dh can't see what an idiot he's being and how corrosive his behaviour is to his marriage, then I'm inclined to agree with you Faff - what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Do you have an ex who would fit the bill OP? If not, invent one and act guilty/log out quick if your dh comes into the room while your mumsnetting

Alternatively, set up an email account along the lines of '[email protected]', send emails to yourself from your incredibly handsome hot stuff ex, whinge in return to the imaginary one about your marriage and reminesce about the idyllic times you shared, and let your dh discover your correspondence.

[pigletmania]

The op is not controlling in all his friendships, just this one as its the one that is damaging their relationship due to reasons i have mentioned.

[izzywhizzyletsgetbusy]

'your' cringe, just committed my pet peeve, mea culpa - 'you're mumsnetting'

[MadameOvary]

Too blind? Or too egotistical? He sees it just fine IMO, Toplist. He knows it distresses you and you find the nature of their contact inappropriate, you have made that much clear. But does he care? No.
It is, as a poster stated upthread, "taking the piss"
It not being controlling to ask if he cut contact with the ex, or at the very least refrain from discussing your relationship with her. It is disrespectful of him to ignore your wishes and lie about doing so.
If he had the balls to say "this is my friend, I will carry on the contact with her as is my right" that is one thing, but he is not even giving you a direct answer to work with. It's cowardly and leads me to believe there are probably other areas where respect is lacking.

[WidowWadman]

pcchip - I quoted your posting, which said that "nevermind the WHYs, whether it's irrationality, jealousy, etc". You said it doesn't matter whether it's irrational or not. That's what I replied to.

As for the ex's dislike of the wife - did that come before or after she tried to ban the friendship? I think that would make a difference.

Whatever it is, I guess the OP needs to understand that she cannot ban that friendship. The friendship has been around before she arrived on the scene. It doesn't matter whether it developed out of a relationship or not. All she does is drive her partner into secrecy.

[pigletmania]

He is doing nothing to reasure and help the op and to put her mind at rest, and all to make her more insecure about it by going secretive. How's that in a healthy and loving relationship

[pigletmania]

Widow stop blaming the op, if the dh cannot cut ties with this woman than he should go back to her and do the op a favor and end it. all she does is drive her partner into secrecy wft so poor op is in the wrong because she quite rightly is not comfortable with her dh overstepping the friendship boudaries, and quite rightly is suspicious of their 'friendship'. What about the behaviour of the h, what is he doing to help the op, and to reassure her sweet fa, more like contributing to the problem even more by his crap behaviour.