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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

OP posts:

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 12:28

Oh FFS Reject, what IS your problem? who pissed on your cornflakes?

I see your writing skills are flawed, perhaps the reading skills are too.

My post was perfectly self-explanatory. I would not allow anyone to dictate my harmless friendships again. It was my X's attempt to sabotage my friendship with my best (female) friend that was the last straw in actual fact.

HOWEVER, this is not a harmless friendship, it has gone to a place it ought not to have gone to. The H is expressing open regret/displeasure with his present life and harking back to his relationship with the Ex and at the same time complaining to Ex about his DW. That is NOT ON.

I wouldn't do that to a loved for H of mine, it's disloyal, it's rude and it's hurtful.

Toplist, your H is not behaving in an appropriate manner with this Ex and she is not being a friend to your marriage.

As I said. Conversations between friends ought to to be those that could be had in open public and not hurt the feelings of respective partners to the depth and duration being displayed here.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 12:30

The OP created the circumstances of the secrecy with which her H conducts his friendship... she has to break that secrecy... and the only way that can happen is if/when she accepts his right to have his ex as a friend. When he can openly talk to the OP about that friendship and what is said within it... and yes I know that's really, really bloody hard... but then no one ever said this relationship stuff was easy.

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 12:30

If they don't have children together then there is no reason whatsoever to remain in contact.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 12:35

HerHissyness wrote:

Oh FFS Reject, what IS your problem? who pissed on your cornflakes?

I don't have any problems thanks.

I'm fascinated by your problem though... you know the one where you declared you wouldn't let anyone tell you who you could have as friends, whilst at the same time you tell the OP that she must force her H to get rid of his friend... seriously I find such contradiction really fascinating.

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 12:36

Agree with Fabby.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:36

Rject what about the OP right to a relationship without the ex hanging over her shoulder. If am all or nothing, if this friendship makes op unhappy which it has every right to, then if he loved and cared for her he would end it. Op has every right to be concerned, it is severly pushing the boundaries of a normal friendship. How can the op have a decent relationship with this guy when there is the ex in it too, and yes her behaviour is cause for concern, it seems as though she holds a lighted candle for him, and does not want to let go, and he is allowing that, and making no attempt to cool things down a bit, it has just got underground.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:38

Yes I have cooled down a friendship whereby my dh was unhappy about, not because of an inimate relationship, just that he thought the guy that I was friends with was a bit odd as he dressed a bit like a tramp and was a bit odd.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:39

in his behaviour, used to walk round with food round his mouth. He has met a lovely girl though who has sorted out his dress sense and his hygiene

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 12:40

There is also the added confusion of not knowing what either one of them is thinking. If i were to email my X to indulge in past events of what i miss about him and if only, with little personal references albeit from my thinking just being friendly, he wouldnt see it as friendly, he would see it as me still having a 'thing' for him, as im sure his current partner and my partner would too.

Very confusing signals for all involved.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:40

The op dh might have innocent intentions but I don't think his ex has.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 12:41

So many assumptions.

The X has moved to another country with another man, and has born his child... so on what grounds do you assume that the X is a cause for concern for the OP.

The OP objects to her H telling his friend about things he is unhappy about in his relationship with the OP. Yet she has made him unhappy by telling him he can't talk to his friend, and that if he does he must report back to her about doing so.

The OP has every right to be concerned... but forcing him to conduct his friendship with this woman in a secretive manner isn't conducive to settling any concerns that arise.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:44

If he H is unhappy the first person he should talk to is his wife not his ex who seems to still have a thing for him. Yes you can still conduct a relationship without physically being near the person, internet relationships, phoning, e mailing.

DoMeDon · 28/08/2011 12:46

I don't think the first person you talk to is your partner - it depends what you're unhappy about. OP has made H feel defensive about his contact with X- that's not conducive to open chats.

I would be unhappy about the lies but I would spend more time focussing on why he 'needs' this friendship.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:49

But you do not talk about the state of your current relationship with your ex who dislikes the the person and who still holds a lighted candle to him.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 12:52

Reject, you have a strange way of looking at things! Moving to another country and having another mans child, hasnt stopped his X from indulging in intimate emails. You seem to think this is some kind of safeguard against something. No one is saying he is going to have an affair, just that his behaviour is out of order.

The OP objects to her DH telling his ex lover, not his friend about things she is unhappy about. Yet he is the one causing the unhappiness by sharing the inimate details of his marriage with his ex lover!

The OP has not forced her DH to conduct his 'friendship' in a secretive manner, she asked him to stop contact and he ignored her wishes.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 12:55

Doing what he is doing, is not gaining the op trust, its making her quite rightly more distrustful of him. Since when has distance been a deterrent to conducting a relationship, and contact.

AltMama85 · 28/08/2011 12:59

YABU it sounds a little like an emotional affair. One based on a giant pair of rose-tinted specs. Sorry, but I would class his behaviour as cheating on an emotional level as it's not just the odd message and friendliness.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 13:09

Everyone has different ideas about what trust is and the boundaries. The OP has her own trust boundaries, as we all do and she is clearly not happy that her boundaries have been broken.

The OP and her DH need to have a good chat about exactly what their boundaries are and what the consequences will be if they are continually broken. Its not about control, is about what your boundaries are.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 13:20

Claw3 wrote:

Reject, you have a strange way of looking at things! Moving to another country and having another mans child, hasnt stopped his X from indulging in intimate emails.

Stop making things up to suit what you want them to be, you're doing the OP no favours with that shit. The OP has stated that whilst the emails did contain discussion of things he was unhappy about in his relationship... they weren't intimate beyond that... so they weren't intimate in a sexual or relationship way with the X... at least not in terms of any relationship beyond one of her being an old flame.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 13:39

What's wrong with being in touch with your ex, they've been an important part of your life after all?

HeifferunderConstruction · 28/08/2011 13:49

She sounds like a manipulative bitch tbh, (I dont apologise for that word) agaisnt your engagement?,deletes him off fb?him talking about the old days?

HOW DARE he allow her to disrespect you and HOW DARE he condone her behaviour by being pally pally,

go and tell him the score NOW!! ROAR AT HIM!!

im angry for you

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 13:56

Reject as i stated above, the OP clearly has her own trust boundaries, which she feels have been broken, who are we to dictate to her what her boundaries should or shouldnt be!

Im not making shit up. Its the secrecty and the contents of the messages that is upsetting the OP.

"I agree theres nothing wrong with being friendly with an ex as long as its not deceptively done and there arent ulterior motives, unfortunately this is not the case"

"there is definitely still feeling on her part"

You seem to ignoring what the OP is saying.

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 14:04

There is no problem having benign relationships/friendships with exes.

When they send messages clearly of a tone that is improper, inappropriate and disrespectful, then it's NOT helpful to your relationship. to continue on with conversations like this KNOWING they are hurting your DW/DH is WRONG. It is disloyal, it is unfair and it is betrayal.

My X had no right to stop me talking to my ExH, I know that now. He banned me from contact with all kinds of people. But that is because he was abusive, a fact I didn't know at the time. I needed to be more confident at the time and know that what I was doing wasn't wrong.

If I had have been having conversations of the kind you describe here OP, then tbh I'd understand my P's upset and if I didn't respect him enough to either tone it right down or reconsider my contact with that person, then there ought to have been consequences.

This DH knows what he's doing is wrong on many levels, I think he IS lying about the Flight to Egypt thing. I am sure his Ex is in full possession of her faculties too.

It is not controlling to ask someone to stop badmouthing you to a hostile Ex.

If this Ex were fully supportive of your H's new life, really happy for him when he proposed to you, delighted at your marriage, at ease in your company etc then fine, you wouldn't have a problem either.

My experience so far I think IS pertinent, even if certain new blow-in posters don't quite get it, in that I've been controlled, told who I'm allowed to speak to, without reason. I also stood up to him and ultimately chose my Friend over X in the end, once I realised what he was actually trying to do. You are not that person OP, you are not controlling him, you are merely asking for your deserved respect and consideration.

I'm saying that you DO have reason here to speak to your DH and ask him to tone it down and discuss your problems between you, not with an ex who has some kind of axe to grind/ulterior motive.

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 14:46

Reject, obviously what our boundaries are and what we regard you and I regard as 'intimate' are very different. You seem to regard 'intimate' as only sexual (the OP did say she suspects there was a sexual reference included in the emails, if that makes a difference to your opinion)

I would regard 'intimate' as indulging in past events of what i miss about him and if only, tinged with regret, while moaning about my partner.

However you and i disagreeing about what our personal boundaries might be on trust and intimacy, is besides the point. This thread is about what the OP's boundaries are and her feeling that they have been broken. You appear to be trying to convince that her boundaries are wrong, just because they dont match yours, this thread is not about you.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 15:03

claw3 The OP's boundaries may have been broken, but that doesnt make her automatically the one who's in the right. If the boundaries are too tight in the first place, he shouldn't be expected to just do as she says.

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