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AIBU?

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

OP posts:

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pigletmania · 28/08/2011 20:56

As for the notion that she was there first. Bull*@£$%. He has made a committment to his dw by marrying her, she is now his significant other not the ex, so yes the ex has to take a back seat.

pchip · 28/08/2011 21:01

Widow, so you would not be hurt if your partner was secretly contacting an ex and complaining about you and the current life you two have together?

In your viewpoint this is the same as venting to a platonic friend?

Well, for the OP and many who replied, it is NOT.

I'm sorry you can't sympathize. You've made your point and I really don't understand why you continue to repeat it. This isn't about being right or wrong, this is about a person's feelings.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:03

exactly pchip this is not a platonic friend, but a jealous ex would possibly would like more with the op's husband other than friendship. He should not be divulging that kind of information to her of all people, good way to ruin a relationship even more.

PerryCombover · 28/08/2011 21:06

I've been facebooking an old fiance

so what

Animation · 28/08/2011 21:10

Widow - Is your view anything goes when it come to talking to exes - talk as intimate as you like, and that current partners should put up and shut up?

Having seen what the nature of the OP's intimate emails - I'd be intercepting the exes emails as well. I'd want to know the score - and take it from there!

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 21:19

pigletmania - my husband is in contact with several exes, all of whom are lovely and two of which were invited to our wedding. Only one of mine was invited to our wedding, though, simply because I've got only one ex that is lovely.

I never felt the need to ban him from talking to any of his exes, and don't feel threatened by his past. I don't have a problem with him remembering past relationships fondly. Nor does he have a problem if I remember past relationships fondly.

I don't have a problem with him talking to friends about whatever he wants to talk about. If he feels the need to get an outsider's perspective on something which troubles him in our relationship, he is free to do so. It doesn't bother me in the slightest whether that friend is male or female, whether they once slept together or have been in a relationship with each other in the past. Why should it?
I don't have reason to doubt his commitment to me, and I don't think that he should not be able to discuss something that is bothering him with anyone else but me.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:19

perry have you read the op posts, these are not platonics but something further

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 21:22

pchip it's not about one person's feelings, but two people's feelings. The husbands feelings should get as much consideration as OP's.

And as for repeating the same point over and over again: You've been doing the same.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:22

Your situation is different widow, you are both happy with that arrangement, what if you hated your dh ex and she hated you, and resented you getting together with your husband and your marriage, what then, would you feel happy? The op situation is different to yours.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:24

widow no they should not, not if he is behaving like an absolute twat, which is what the op husband is doing. Seems like he is playing both of them at the same time, keeping both hanging on.

Animation · 28/08/2011 21:28

pigletmania - just wanted to say you're doing a great job on this thread!

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:31

aww thank you animation I obviously have too much time on my hands, and the other threads on AIBU are a bit boring, this one is keeping me hooked

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 21:32

pigletmania you're inferring quite a bit. The ex is married to somebody else who she has a child with, in another country - doesn't sound to me as if she's hanging on to anything or indeed like he's playing both.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:33

he is stringing both of them along.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:35

well it sounds like it really. Since when has having a partner in another country stopped anybody. No I am going on information based on facts that the op has given not what i have made up.

CRIKRI · 28/08/2011 21:35

YANBU. Yes, there are many people who keep on good terms with their exs and keep in contact with them. However, the problem it seems with your DH is that the nature of communication with his ex imho, goes beyond the boundaries of general friendliness, he's persisting in this despite knowing it upsets you and he's doing it in secret.

I choose not to maintain contact with any of my exs, not because of any animosity, but because I can see no benefit in doing so. However, if I did want to maintain contact with one, I would do my level best to ensure my DH was included in that relationship and that it was completely open. I would see it as my responsibility both to ensure the ex knows at all times that the relationship was in the past and my DH knows that my loyalty is with him in the here and now and in the future. Your DH is doing neither.

By persisting, things have probably gone to the level where it will be very hard for him to regain your trust if he continues to maintain contact with his ex. I do agree with others that he needs to take on board your concerns and affirm where his loyalties lie - which may mean cutting off all contact with this ex. Exs are exs for a reason, unless you still have unfinished business.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:38

The op has said that the ex does not like her, the feeling is probably mutual, that she did not like it when the op got engaged to her dh, that dh said that he would stop contact, he has lied and is continuing to contact in secret, whilst still with the op. Talking to a ex about personal details about their relationship to someone who does not like ex and seems to hold a lighted candle for him. I have not made this up, read through the ops posts.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:41

Sorry her he is talking to his ex about personal details about his relationship with op, the ex does not like op and does not seem to be able to let go, she was not happy about their engagement. If she was so happy in her marriage, why should she not like her ex engagement to op.

WidowWadman · 28/08/2011 21:44

pigletmania - maybe she didn't like him to get engaged to somebody who wanted to ban all contact? We only know OP's side of the story, but not why the ex doesn't like her, or indeed what the intimate details which are being discussed are. Other than that he misses his ex's dad and enjoyed the family christmases. Which doesn't sound like such a crime to me.

prettyfly1 · 28/08/2011 21:44

My best friend in the whole world is male. When my partner moved in he said that sometimes he feels uncomfortable about this closeness. I cut it down dramatically and began to see said friend in my partners company and keeping him in the loop about the friendship. Four years later he is a lot more ok about our friendship but it is because I invited him in and was open and honest. The ops partner is hiding things, sneaking around and being disrespectful. Friendships with the opposite sex in a relationship are fine, even with ex's but not at the detriment of a current relationship and not behind closed doors.

Tiredmumno1 · 28/08/2011 21:46

Piglet well done you, hopefully it'll click with others that it goes further than he just talks to the ex. As it is obvious it does go deeper than that

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:47

Well why is the ex keeping all his letters, seems like she cannot let go after all its him who ended it, not her. So really it does seem like she holds a candle for him, just because she has a boyfriend does not make any difference.

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pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:49

and treasures the letters too, of course she would be upset about op dh getting together with op. You can't turn off your feelings like that.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:50

Because of that I would not like my dh to remain in contact with her, she is the past now, op is his future.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 21:56

I just want to let people know that I am not against exs remaining friends but when it goes beyond boundaries of normal friendship, which is what this does, for one thing the ex does hold a lighted candle for him so makes the situation quite awkward and not really on a platonic footing. Also he is doing nothing to fan the flames and make it known to her that he is happy in his marriage with op, and to speak positively about her, to the ex or to reassure the op. In fact he is adding fuel to the fire and also lied to the op, hardly a good basis for a loving and trusting relationship

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