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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be furious that my DH has been emailing his ex?

212 replies

Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 01:21

My DH of 2 years has been mailing his ex a lot, he also sent her a package of some old stuff of hers he recently found and sends her pictures of our 1yr old daughter.. I read the e-mails today and I'm seething, we've argued over this before and he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore.. but he has been.. even two days after our baby was born he e-mailed her. Its such a big issue between us now, and it keeps coming up over & over again, if I ever come into the room he hides his screen.. locks his phone all the time now.. I am so angry with him, and so sad that we're like this. : (

OP posts:
HeifferunderConstruction · 28/08/2011 10:09

The package is understandable,

is it possible he's just being friendly sending pics? do they have mutual friends??

has SHE crossed boundaries before??

Kayano · 28/08/2011 10:09

I agree with Spuddy 100%

I would hate to be made to choose between friend and partner. I might eventually pick partner but I would resent being controlled iyswim?

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 10:15

The part about him and her expressing regret about things they did or didn't do.whilst they were together is awful. Really feel for u. As one of the other posters said it might be that he is one of those that can't let go.of the past. However, she is in a relationship as is he and they live in different countries so maybe they both know it wouldn't work unreal life. Even so I would not like this it would be a deal breaker for me.

ZillionChocolate · 28/08/2011 10:16

I'm another who sees and speaks to an ex, my DH doesn't bat an eyelid, much less interrogate me about it. I would find being controlled unbearable.

I can see it is upsetting that your DH is ignoring your wishes but I think your wishes are unreasonable.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 10:18

Toplistmaker wrote:
Reject- If it was just friendship I wld be ok with it, but its almost as if he does to upset me on some level, hes not stupid, but he dosent delete the e-mails, & has left his account open.. She was annoyed when we got engaged.. & its the secrecy of it all which makes it unlike normal friendships.

What did you expect when you basically told him that him talking to his friend was upsetting you? Of course he does it secretively... you gave him no option but too.

I would suggest sitting down with him and asking him what he feels for her? If it is just a friendship then accept that he has the right to choose his friends... even friends you don't like... come on there must be more than one of his friends you don't like much. Just as you have the right to choose your friends.

It is possible for two people to split up and remain good friends. It's equally possible for them to both be regretting splitting up... but that still doesn't mean he's going to abandon you for her, or even that she would ever consider abandoning her bf for him.

The flight over Italy thing... ask him what it means... it doesn't have to be confrontational... if he recognises that his past is a welcome part of your relationship with him, then he might well be willing and happy to tell you about it.

Seriously... if you make his past an issue between the two of you... it will be an issue between the two of you... just as if he made your past an issue and tried telling you who you could/couldn't talk too, you'd have every right to make it an issue between the two of you, and to be upset and behave secretively...

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 28/08/2011 10:19

Spuddys arrangement with her dp and their exes seems a happier one than yours. Have you got a hot ex you can confide your worries? Or even better, to go and stay with?

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 10:22

So do I Zillion. I see my ex and in fact encouraged DP to make peace with hers. I think it can be a great, healthy thing BUT IMO there are limits. If OPs ex feels the need to look back and share to such an extent and to regret that he is no longer with her that is awful for OP. I would never stay with someone who secretly wished they were with someone else.

TidyDancer · 28/08/2011 10:22

Contact with an ex is absolutely no problem in itself, so you need to get it out of your head that he shouldn't be talking to her because they used to have sex, etc. If there is something specific about this woman and your DH together that gives you cause for concern, then YANBU, otherwise, you're being completely normal, but really rather silly. Your problem is either with your DH (which seems likely) or yourself (ie jealousy if your fury is unfounded). Either way, you'd be making a mistake to focus on the ex. There is no problem here unless either you or DH allow there to be one.

fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 10:23

It's wrong to make people choose if the friend is genuinely happy for you when you get engaged and your partner doesn't criticise you to her and the friend doesn't criticise you to your partner. Where these things are happening, the 'friendship' isn't helping the relationship. If the partner wants to keep the friendship, then he has to behave respectfully to his partner and that means not complaining about her to his ex.

Spuddybean · 28/08/2011 10:27

norfolk how would you know if it was secret? if they told you it would be a shit secret!! (sorry being a bit facetious there).

But if he isn't making it a secret then he must be wanting OP to know. Why? Does he think she will up her game? Does he want her to leave without him having to feel guilty? Is it just existential angst about what could have been when he is stressed with the reality of children?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/08/2011 10:27

I think the problem is that this relationship between the ex's seems very, very exclusive. It's one thing to have a shared past but there's a reason why it's past and really, both should be respecting the fact that they are 'ex' and that one now has a significant relationship. This one seems a bit like the pre-cursor to affairs that people talk of... the fantasy relationship that bears no resemblance to real life humdrum.

My mum has this saying that she 'can hear fleas cough'... meaning that there's something niggling, not necessarily major, but there all the same.

I think that could be true in this case. It's all very well to have perfect trust but essentially, one partner is doing something that is making the other uncomfortable. Why would they do that? Why is your husband hiding his phone/e-mails? That's not normal if it is innocent.

OP, if you're not comfortable with it, there's something making you feel that way... look into it, consider your actions and act.

Original poster
Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 10:35

No her daughter is not my husbands, and we've been married for 2 years now.

Cornflower, you're right, and ideally it wouldnt have become so blown out of all proportion but it has already gone on for too long, being a recurring argument that now its such an issue, he has lied to me so many times about his communication with her, he says that he wont speak to hear but he has said that before.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 10:37

Finding it mildly amusing that someone calling themselves RejectofAllah is playing devil's advocate...

I lived with a controlling bastard for 10 years was told practically when I could breathe in and out. My friendships were discouraged and the previously civil relationship I had with my ExH was banned completely. Without reason to be honest, but that is the nature of a seriously f*cked up individual.

Would I allow anyone to tell me who I can and can not be friends with? NO.

HOWEVER....

The conversations you quote toplist are not the hello, how are ya? lovely weather we're having type conversations are they, they are a lot less innocent and I totally understand how you are pissed off by them. IMHO, rightfully so.

His emails to her are a betrayal of you, this blah blah about where his life went wrong is just disgusting! How the bloody hell is that supposed to make you feel, hearing that? How would HE like it?

Your comment about her being upset when you got engaged is enough for me to state categorically that clearly, regardless of her current relationship status, she is NOT a friend of your marriage, and your H is lapping up all the sneaky, underhanded attention she is lavishing on him.

She can't be happy and fulfilled in her relationship either, or she'd not be stirring the shit in yours. He has said as much, so I would sit him down and calmly explain that while you are fine with him having contact with who ever he likes, that to discuss you, your family and complain about your life to an Ex who is clearly biased against you is what you consider to be betrayal.

State that electronic to-ing and fro-ing between them in it's current form is verging on an emotional affair, and it needs checking and it needs paring right back. You are not saying they can't speak, but he needs to really be consious of what is being said and what the effects of this will be.

This guy needs to realise that if this kind of conversation were being had in a public place in front of both her partner and you, there would be a scene.

The flight over italy reference .... this is not a Mile High Club thing is it?

Original poster
Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 10:48

Herhissyness.. Thats exactly what I thought about the flight ref. He is saying its the name of an album, I remembered it wrong, he actually wrote, 'flight over Egypt'.. Thanks for your reply, thats exactly how I feel!

OP posts:
Original poster
Toplistmaker · 28/08/2011 10:50

she was NOT HAPPY when we got engaged, in fact she sent my dh a mesage at the time saying she thought it best if she deleted him from FB because of it. They arent friends on FB now, but email & skype etc

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 10:55

I googled Flight over Egypt, only thing that came up was Flight over Egypt

"The Flight Into Egypt, The Natural World, Concerto For Double Brass Choir & Orchestra" Into that are they?

Told you, she is not a friend of your marriage. H needs to see this and see this fast. She's feeding his ego, and he's lapping it up.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 10:57

I can't believe that you're going to take advice from HerHissyness who publicly declares that she's been through what you're doing to your partner, and would never accept another partner doing it to her again, but that it's OK for you to do it to him because your a woman, and he's a man... christ talk about warped.

HerHissyness · 28/08/2011 10:58

I had the clingon ExGF and it was HELL! My X lapped it up and I now think he lied and lied about the calls she made to him and the conversations they had. She too lied about the conversations she had with him to me. Both of them just wanted to hurt and upset me.

Both of them are out of my life for GOOD! Well, except when he wants to speak to his DS of course...

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 10:59

YANBU he knows how unhappy this makes you feel, yet he still contacts her on the sly.

SchrodingersMew · 28/08/2011 11:04

Me and my ex used to talk to each other online a lot. We were together a long time and since we were young and I admit that when we don't talk I miss him.

I would never want to get back with him and don't have any of those types of feelings for him and he sent me pictures of his daughter quite a lot.

It is possible to remain friends with ex's, although recently his DP has basically went through the same feelings as you are at the moment and deleted him off my FB and blocked me so we don't talk anymore.

However, my DP understands that he was a big part of my life for a long time and trusts me when I tell him that I have no feelings for him in that way. Just as I would trust him and never try and disallow him to speak to his ex.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:04

This is going over the boundary of platonic friendship, its as if he dosen't like his life now, and wants to go back to the way things were with his ex, of course reject the op is concerned would'nt you be Hmm. If his friendship affects his present relationship, than yes it is OP concern, and yes she has every right to lay down the law if he wants a relationship with her.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:08

and contacting each other sneakily behind ops back, and the fact that the EX cannot let go and still holds a lighted candle for him, yes of course op has every right to be concerned.

rejectOfAllah · 28/08/2011 11:08

And he has every right to adopt the same position as so many of you here have stated and leave her, because he won't have anyone control him... I'm sure HerHissyness would support his right to adopt that position, having lived through it herself and stated that she would adopt that position if a partner treated her as the OP is treating her H.

NorfolkBroad · 28/08/2011 11:10

Yes spuddy. See what u mean. I meant that op.has a strong feeling that her DP wants to be with his ex. Horrible. He might be having a general whinge about his life etc but I dont think its ok to do that with your ex, in conjunction with all the other things he has said it adds up to I would rather be with my ex than you.

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:11

reject its not about the op controlling him and his friendships, this one is not helping their relationship, ex was upset when op and her dp got engaged, that would ring alarm bells. Yes mabey he should let the op go, as he is obviously not over his ex, and cannot have a relationship unless he sorts himself out. Its not fair on op or any other woman that he may have future relationships with. If he loved and respected her than he would cut ties with this woman.