to have told MIL about (soon to be ex) H and I?

[ninja]

H decided in Jan that he didn't want to sleep in the same room as me so I moved into the spare room and later onto a mattress on the floor in the box room.

At the end of Feb he decided that he didn't want to be accountable to anyone and certainly not me and that we should separate. By that time he was being so nasty to me (I couldn't say or do anything right) that I wasn't sorry but did suggest trying counselling.

I came back from caming with the kids with Easter and he'd put an offer in on a house so I think his intention was quite clear and since then he's demanded half the value of the house plus other things - but that's another story.

Basically his Mum lives in Ireland and I assumed that when he went over to see her with the kids in May that he would tell her - but he didn't (DD1 didn't know at that point so I could understand to some extent). He was not keen on me telling my parents but as I've had to borrow money off them I had to and of course they've been supportive.

We told DD1 (8) a couple of weeks before the end of term and while of course she's been upset, she's been so mature about it and tried to look on the bright side. I paid H the money from this house in the middle of July, for some reason he didn't complete for 3 weeks but the house is now his (even though he's still living here while he does some work on it).

He went to visit his Mum again last Thursday and took DD1 and DD2 (2) with him and as DD1 knew I assumed again that this time he would tell her, but when I spoke to DD1 she told me that she was finding it really hard keeping the secret I am so that he could put her in that position and for her as she clearly wants to talk about it. I did think well it's his decision though.

Today when I phoned up to speak to the kids she asked me what was going on. She said she could tell that something was up and he'd admitted we weren't happy but not said anything else (well he had told her that he was sleeping in the front room that he would lie like that, but...)

I said she should speak to him but she kept asking and I just couldn't lie so in the end I told her that we'd separated and he'd got a house. I also said that we were trying to be amicable for the kids, that we'd be close, he'd have them half of the time and that DD1 was being very positive and that we'd been getting on a lot better since (well that was a little white lie).

I do feel really bad, it wasn't my place to tell her but I couldn't keep lying. He'd actually invited her over to stay in October so I don't know what he was going to do - keep up the pretense and move in? Drive up to a different house and tell her then?

So I'm ready for you to tell me I should have minded my own business, interested to see if anyone else would have told..

But the amount of equity left is based upon its market value. Although if you have an over-optimistic agent, then that wouldn't have helped ninja.

auntmargaret the law is different here, it is included although if it's recent may not be considered completely. There's no hard and fast rule.

Even if it isn't fair they would look at all the assets at the point of divorce so nothing is settled until then.

Clam I don't think that was the course of this, but I think he might have now. His phone is in my name and so I get the bills and there have been 10 - 20 texts on some days to one number. That's quite recent, last couple of months I think.

I'm going to try and persuade him not to come to wales - offer to buy him out if necessary and see if my sister will come. He WILL take the kids away if I don't and I don't want that

I just asked where you lived to see if I could help out in any way as you mentioned that family are not near . . . I live FAR from you though!

No - it was half the equity and I got 3 agents to value it.

Honest - I'm not stupid!!

Oh and cancel his phone! There is no reason for him to have a phone in your name anymore.

I would also tell all your friends etc as he has no right to make you keep it quiet.

WhoseGotMyEyebrows that means it's either a LOT sunnier or a LOT colder where you are, I'm guessing the first!!

It's normally a lot sunnier but today it's shit and rainy!

yanbu
sorry for you x

Ninja, this must be a confusing and difficult time for you. Everyone here can see you are being treated abusively, but you have lived for so long being told that you are to blame - that you don't know what to think.

You need help in real life - I really hope that you can access a counsellor for yourself, you need to spend proper time going through the relationship, the years you have put up with his controlling and aggressive behaviour - look at how your own family background led you to think this was normal and how you can remove yourself from his influence, protect yourself and make sure you don't get into another relationship like this. It's not simple and it won't be quick, but step by step you will get there. Also - like everyone here says, please see a lawyer.

You say you are controlling - but what it seems is that because you have been very controlled, you are trying to exercise your influence over the small areas that you can, as a defence mechanism. ie. you worry about the beds/ sheets/ you ensure you know what goes on in his new house - because you can't actually control the bigger picture, which is his bullying treatment of you and his refusal to move out.

Please dont go on holiday with him - if that means the kids missing out on a week in Wales, so be it. Tell him that if he won't pull out then the kids aren't going and you aren't going. This man is a danger to you - he is bullying and manipulative and you need to put your foot down and begin to withdraw from him. Please get support - call Womens Aid about making sure he leaves the house and at what point, if he doesnt, you can call the police. Change the locks, get your friends on side and find a good counsellor so you can move forward without him.