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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told MIL about (soon to be ex) H and I?

137 replies

ninja · 23/08/2011 16:37

H decided in Jan that he didn't want to sleep in the same room as me so I moved into the spare room and later onto a mattress on the floor in the box room.

At the end of Feb he decided that he didn't want to be accountable to anyone and certainly not me and that we should separate. By that time he was being so nasty to me (I couldn't say or do anything right) that I wasn't sorry but did suggest trying counselling.

I came back from caming with the kids with Easter and he'd put an offer in on a house so I think his intention was quite clear and since then he's demanded half the value of the house plus other things - but that's another story.

Basically his Mum lives in Ireland and I assumed that when he went over to see her with the kids in May that he would tell her - but he didn't (DD1 didn't know at that point so I could understand to some extent). He was not keen on me telling my parents but as I've had to borrow money off them I had to and of course they've been supportive.

We told DD1 (8) a couple of weeks before the end of term and while of course she's been upset, she's been so mature about it and tried to look on the bright side. I paid H the money from this house in the middle of July, for some reason he didn't complete for 3 weeks but the house is now his (even though he's still living here while he does some work on it).

He went to visit his Mum again last Thursday and took DD1 and DD2 (2) with him and as DD1 knew I assumed again that this time he would tell her, but when I spoke to DD1 she told me that she was finding it really hard keeping the secret Shock I am so Angry that he could put her in that position and Sad for her as she clearly wants to talk about it. I did think well it's his decision though.

Today when I phoned up to speak to the kids she asked me what was going on. She said she could tell that something was up and he'd admitted we weren't happy but not said anything else (well he had told her that he was sleeping in the front room Shock that he would lie like that, but...)

I said she should speak to him but she kept asking and I just couldn't lie so in the end I told her that we'd separated and he'd got a house. I also said that we were trying to be amicable for the kids, that we'd be close, he'd have them half of the time and that DD1 was being very positive and that we'd been getting on a lot better since (well that was a little white lie).

I do feel really bad, it wasn't my place to tell her but I couldn't keep lying. He'd actually invited her over to stay in October so I don't know what he was going to do - keep up the pretense and move in? Drive up to a different house and tell her then?

So I'm ready for you to tell me I should have minded my own business, interested to see if anyone else would have told..

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 23:32

But by taking that tack, all you teach the children in the long run is that if someone bullies you, you let them.

Do you think they can't see that this is what's going on by the way he is with you? - of course they can, and they will do so more as they get older.

You would serve them far better by standing up for yourself, thus giving them the skills to do so too. Because he will soon be this way with them too - controlling, bossy, unreasonable, my way or nothing, I OWN you - because that's the way he thinks.

You don't need to start a shouting match by standing up to him - you just continue to disagree, firmly, peacefully. Start doing it. And if he wants to communicate by throwing things, call the police. He'll soon stop doing it. Because he does it because it gets results.

I'm glad that things seem fairer financially than they seemed from your initial posts. But there is a lot wrong here. Baby steps needed, perhaps, but you now need to start finding a way to sort this out. You CANNOT live along these lines - with him still effectively throwing his weight around in your life. You HAVE to stand up to him, for the children as much as for yourself. This isn't a good dynamic for them to see - it's far worse than seeing a few arguments - and believe me, they will be seeing it.

Change the locks tomorrow. Get his stuff out, and start thinking through strategies for handovers, communication etc. in ways that he can't control. And make sure for now that it isn't 50-50 care. He sounds as if he could get nasty, and I think it would be wise for now to make sure you retain clear primary carer status. He sounds not averse to using the children to get at you, so make sure you have your hands on the reins there. Good luck.

FabbyChic · 23/08/2011 23:32

He technically should no way be living under your roof, it's your house now you have paid him off, he has his own house. You are letting him stay at YOUR house rent free and he tells you where he is going to sleep. Jesus H Christ get a backbone and stop letting him walk all over you. Because that is what he is doing.

FabbyChic · 23/08/2011 23:35

It is no longer his HOME!

The way you let him treat you in front of the children is how they will grow up thinking relationships are. They will think that the man is allowed to talk to the woman like shit. Don't do that to your children. Stand up for yourself and for what is right. Do not allow them to see him walk all over you.

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 23:40

OK - going to bed now. Feel a bit tired and teary and will sleep on all you've written.

I guess I thought I could just strt afreash when he'd left and be the new independent assertive Ninja

It's easy to get used to being told that you're unreasonable all the time

Shouty probably can't do anything about the 50-50 but in reality it won't be. I work part time so have DD2 2 days a week, I also work flexibly and so can take more of the holidays off, he goes away more. I'll write it all down

OP posts:
baboos · 23/08/2011 23:41

Seriously, if you don't get your act together and start taking control of your own life, this man who you are no longer in a relationship will continue to control your life forever.

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 23:41

Look, I really WOULD stop him from coming on the holiday. Either he doesn't come or none of you go.

The reason being that after his threatening nasty text messages saying that he would sleep where he liked IN YOUR HOUSE, you don't feel safe with him in a caravan.

Tonight - victory or guilt trip - neither - I think after clearly YEARS of your being his whipping boy, it's going to take more than a couple of these exchanges to give the fucker his marching orders when it comes to your business. But you need to do so. Or you are setting yourself and your daughters up for a lifetime of being bullied by an arsehole.

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 23:44

Fabby I don't want them to see that. I'm trying to think if it always is?

At the moment they jsut see a dad still in the house while his is having work done. They don't know he's taking the piss.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 23:44

Yes, if you are the primary carer now I think you can do quite a lot about not going for 50-50, in the intersts of maintaining the childrens' status quo. I just looked at your other thread on this - it's all about him, isn't it? What he wants, whether or not it's actually best for your children. A madly complicated 50-50 built more around his hobbies and commitments than the childrens' convenience isn't good at all. I'd be seeing a solicitor, and making it clear that a part of the problem right now is his ongoing emotional abuse.

He really sounds a very nasty piece of work. Well done for getting shot of him by the way!

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 23:46

He won't control my life - trust me

OP posts:
Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 23:47

Thanks Shouty I think a divorce laywer in September maybe. ....

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 24/08/2011 09:01

With a person like this, I honestly think the very best starting point which gives you the best possible chance of long-term peaceful, reasonable co-parenting is for you to set boundaries.

He won't like it, in the short term it will cause rows and stress and most probably scenes which the children WILL be aware of - but it is worth it.

Pandering and giving in to keep the peace only sets a pattern that is impossible to break - it's beginning to start already - where he has ZERO respect for you and the fact that you are no longer married. And that will soon start to rub off on the children in a different way - they will see him manipulate you, they will see you stressed but unable to respond, they will see plans changed at short notice and little things done to upset you, and they will see the imbalance of power. It will corrode things for them and make the fact that they have separate homes and parents a source of constant worry rather than something they can handle with ease. In short, if you carry on letting him make things difficult for you, you give him the green light to make things difficult for them.

No point in saying any of that to him and appealing to his better nature, because he simply won't see it. Or rather, people like this can always justify the pain they put onto others - 'it's your fault, you cause the problems for them' - 'I love them, I would never hurt them, you are just hysterical' etc. It's like the contact arrangements themselves- they're about what's best for him, not them.

So you need to set boundaries simply so that your children grow up seeing an element of fair play, rather than becoming aware, by the time they are pre-teens, that their dad is no different to that class bully that everyone avoids - but not knowing how to really respond to that, because they love him. And as they are women, there is an extra message here - how they see you respond to him will help set the pattern for their future relationships. If you don't want to see your children choose bullying, controlling, fuckwit boyfriends, start standing up to your ex - yes, shout back if you have to. It's THAT important.

More than anything, you want in a couple of years time for there to be a clear understanding on his part that if he throws his weight around, there will be consequences. So right now, change those locks and get his stuff out. Tell him calmly that it's because his behaviour has started crossing a line. Ask him whether he'd consider it his right to access a friend's home and climb into their bed because he wanted to. You are now no different. Tell him, quite calmly, that you will start calling the police if he does not start to treat you and your home as something separate from him, and to be respected.

Definitely see a solicitor. You see, the intended outcome of all this is not to start a war of attrition, but to hit hard and fast now that you are separate to show him what isn't acceptable. Right now, he is chancing his arm - you now have the right to change the locks and tell him to fuck off - he's hoping that by bullying you now, he can face you down, and he will essentially get to live his own life somewhere else, with new partners etc., but still get to call the shots in yours. Hit hard and fast now to knock that on the head, and there's a good chance he will accept it.

Good luck!

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/08/2011 09:18

Good God make him leave!!!

Sorry didn't read last couple of pages but why did YOU have to move out of the bedroom?

I agree with those saying you need a backbone!

Original poster
ninja · 24/08/2011 09:35

well he did go back to his house (taking a duvet with his but that's a small sacrifice)

I'm going to my parents tomorrow so I'm thinking I'll give him then to get his stuff out (which saves me from doing it) and then hopefully that's it.

SH thanks for the post, it's helpful. I've got the kids today but I'll have to try and find a time to talk to him.

I said this on another thread: You're right his behaviour has made me confused about what's normal or not. Even when I complain about him part of me thinks am I just telling my side, if he told his side would everyone agree with him?

Even though I think he can be emotionally abusive I read things here and think - I do that, does that mean I'm abusive or he's accused me of that am I abusive without knowing?

Please think of me as confused rather than spineless

OP posts:
WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/08/2011 09:38

Maybe you should have some counselling to help you get your head around all this. Would be a good idea I think as they can help you sort out your confusing thoughts and feelings.

Original poster
ninja · 24/08/2011 09:41

I'm planning to, was hoping to before the summer but a colleague was off work and so I was rushed off my feet. We don't have any family close to help out.

If H has the kids then I should have more time and space now.

OP posts:
clam · 24/08/2011 09:42

Was he entitled to half the house? I mean, you did take legal advice on that, didn't you????

WhoseGotMyEyebrows · 24/08/2011 09:44

Where do you live?

Original poster
ninja · 24/08/2011 09:45

Yes Clam, as I said earlier I have some shares left to me by my Gran which sadly count as joint assets. In fact he may be entitled to more (which could be one of the reasons I don't want to antagonise him)

OP posts:
Original poster
ninja · 24/08/2011 09:45

I live in the North West, why?

OP posts:
Morloth · 24/08/2011 10:08

You need a lawyer and you need one now, it is all properly documented isn't it? The paying him out for the house etc?

Get a lawyer now or you are going to get royally shafted. I wouldn't let him in your house while you are not there.

Get. A. Lawyer.

Original poster
ninja · 24/08/2011 10:15

It's all documented - I had to fight for that but I got it.

All the conversations are in a notebook or on MN (must remember to print them off)

I have bank statements printed off from when he wanted to separate to show how much of the joint money he's spent.

All my paperwork is at a neighbours hose so he can't get to it

OP posts:
InTheNightKitchen · 24/08/2011 10:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

auntmargaret · 24/08/2011 10:30

In Scotland, inheritance is expressly excluded from matrimonial property (unless you used the inherited money to buy property, for example-the inherited money isn`t matrimonial property but using it to buy a house would make it so,iyswim) The shares would have been expressly excluded, are you sure you got advice from a family lawyer? And please, change the locks.

clam · 24/08/2011 10:33

Is there an OW on the scene?

And don't forget that the reason he doesn't want you dicscussing this with anyone else is because they, as MNers have done, will see straight through him and he will be less likely to be able to manipulate you as he appears to have been doing for many years.

He's got this all his own way at the moment, and you're allowing it "for the children's sake." Although he's ready to accuse you of not thinking of them on the rare occasions you stick up for yourself.

How can you even contemplate going away on this holiday with him? Your DD will get over it if you cancel. Take her somewhere else another time.

clam · 24/08/2011 10:35

Also, don't fall into the trap of thinking that because he states "the world according to him" loudly and aggressively that that means it's the truth.