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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to have told MIL about (soon to be ex) H and I?

137 replies

ninja · 23/08/2011 16:37

H decided in Jan that he didn't want to sleep in the same room as me so I moved into the spare room and later onto a mattress on the floor in the box room.

At the end of Feb he decided that he didn't want to be accountable to anyone and certainly not me and that we should separate. By that time he was being so nasty to me (I couldn't say or do anything right) that I wasn't sorry but did suggest trying counselling.

I came back from caming with the kids with Easter and he'd put an offer in on a house so I think his intention was quite clear and since then he's demanded half the value of the house plus other things - but that's another story.

Basically his Mum lives in Ireland and I assumed that when he went over to see her with the kids in May that he would tell her - but he didn't (DD1 didn't know at that point so I could understand to some extent). He was not keen on me telling my parents but as I've had to borrow money off them I had to and of course they've been supportive.

We told DD1 (8) a couple of weeks before the end of term and while of course she's been upset, she's been so mature about it and tried to look on the bright side. I paid H the money from this house in the middle of July, for some reason he didn't complete for 3 weeks but the house is now his (even though he's still living here while he does some work on it).

He went to visit his Mum again last Thursday and took DD1 and DD2 (2) with him and as DD1 knew I assumed again that this time he would tell her, but when I spoke to DD1 she told me that she was finding it really hard keeping the secret Shock I am so Angry that he could put her in that position and Sad for her as she clearly wants to talk about it. I did think well it's his decision though.

Today when I phoned up to speak to the kids she asked me what was going on. She said she could tell that something was up and he'd admitted we weren't happy but not said anything else (well he had told her that he was sleeping in the front room Shock that he would lie like that, but...)

I said she should speak to him but she kept asking and I just couldn't lie so in the end I told her that we'd separated and he'd got a house. I also said that we were trying to be amicable for the kids, that we'd be close, he'd have them half of the time and that DD1 was being very positive and that we'd been getting on a lot better since (well that was a little white lie).

I do feel really bad, it wasn't my place to tell her but I couldn't keep lying. He'd actually invited her over to stay in October so I don't know what he was going to do - keep up the pretense and move in? Drive up to a different house and tell her then?

So I'm ready for you to tell me I should have minded my own business, interested to see if anyone else would have told..

OP posts:
ninja · 23/08/2011 21:12

Ok - so you're making me sound like a bit of a doormat now, am I that bad?

Wilson I would have always called myself a feminist, maybe I do need to go and check out that.

I don't think I'm a saint or even that lovely Sad

Isn't it riht to want to try and help your kids to be happy and settled in a house that they're going to spend a lot of their time?

OP posts:
ninja · 23/08/2011 21:17

ShoutyHamster he hasn't fleeced me - I have some shares left to me by my Gran and I did check with a Solicitor they count as joint assets sadly.

He says he'll be having the kids 50% of the time (although most of my friends doubt that) it only feels right to give him the chance to do that. I have kept the child support and he doesn't realise that that makes me the main carer.

He's just a sad man who doesn't like his job and thinks this change will make him happier. Tbh he'll have some other woman doing all this for him soon I guess. I feel strong and positive about the future and am jusrt trying to get there

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 21:19

yes, ninja, but that was his responsibility in his house

you are taking that on for him, and remember you said you had mild control issues ?

you are still demonstrating them wrt him

let him struggle, let him make mistakes

he chose this path

stop micro-managing him, that part of your relationship is over

ninja · 23/08/2011 21:28

it is Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 21:33

relax girl

you can take a break now, am sure you bloody well deserve it

you must have been in charge of holding it together for a very long time

you only have yourself, and the dc's when in your care, to worry about now

he either sinks or swims, but he is a grown up

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 21:35

unless you think the dc's are in danger when in his care, but there is no indication that is the case

no dc's ever died from the lack of a decent bed, nor from living on sausage rolls and crisps for a day or two

ok ?

you will have to chill, and let things go

or you might as well have him back and treat him as the extra dc you never had

SuchProspects · 23/08/2011 21:40

Isn't it riht to want to try and help your kids to be happy and settled in a house that they're going to spend a lot of their time?

ninja it is right to want to do that. But you seem to think that what will make your kids happy is having the right beds and right rooms and the most mollycoddled-by-an-Ex father in the world. But what will make them happy is if both you and their father are putting them first.

You making your Ex's transition easy doesn't make him put them first. He has to do that.

I don't suggest you become a bitch to him but you are being a bit walked all over, and that isn't a great example to set your kids. Be air. Not vindictive. Not bending over backwards. Just reasonable.

DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 21:41

Isn't it riht to want to try and help your kids to be happy and settled in a house that they're going to spend a lot of their time?

Eh, HE broke up the family. It's his duty to bloody well sort out his home for them. He should be falling over himself to try to do at least that much for them after what he has done.

Exactly as AF said, take a load off ! It's not your worry what he does any more.

SuchProspects · 23/08/2011 21:42

Be air Be fair. Blush

FabbyChic · 23/08/2011 21:45

YOu have paid him off now the house is yours, why is he still using it as a stop gap whilst he is doing up his new house?

Why are you allowing him to take the piss out of you?

Mitmoo · 23/08/2011 21:52

OP are you really hoping for a reconciliation or just scared to let go? Not a judgement, just a question.

WilsonFrickett · 23/08/2011 21:54

Sweetheart, I just don't see where you are in all this. You are protecting DCs (fine, obviously) and enabling XP (emmm, not so good), worrying about your MIL (I understand that but still...). In terms of feminism I would simply say that no-one else is going to take care of you but you.

Honestly, you have my full sympathy and support and I don't want to hector you but actually? You are not behaving like an adult. You think you are, but you're not. You know when you tell the DCs to go to bed and they go 'yes, just in a little tiny minute after I've rearranged all the dolls furniture so its perfect and maybe you're still talking to me but I'm actually transferring all my attention on this one tiny thing so I actually can't hear you anyway, bed? what bed? I have to line up the cars in the car park now...' - that. Start concentrating on the things that are important and stop burying your head in the sand.

(I think that is the meanest I've ever been to someone on MN but you are getting under my skin OP Blush)

ninja · 23/08/2011 22:34

Mitmoo no I definitely don't want a reconcilliation - if he hadn't finished it I would have. I guess in that sense I feel lucky that I got to stay in the house and didn't have to have the hassle of all the moving, really not scared to let go.

I have an H who just always thinks he's right and trust me it's hard to argue with that and to know when he is and when he isn't.

Wilson I'm wondering whether to be proud that of all the people on MN, I'm the one who's got under your skin Wink. It's not as bad as it seems, I do have a life a job I love and hobbies and friends. I go away with my sport. I don't just stay at home and care for my husband.

I've packed stuff up for his house because I want him to go. Mentally I've moved on, I'm getting on with my life.

What else should I be concentrating on?

OP posts:
myBOYSareBONKERS · 23/08/2011 22:54

i would be concentrating on changing the locks personally

ninja · 23/08/2011 22:56

I should also say thanks for all the support - even the critical support Wink

It means a lot and helps me feel more confident

OP posts:
ninja · 23/08/2011 22:58

Maybe I should do that now

Just sent a text telling H that I'd moved back into the bedroom and he's just replied:

'suit yourself but that will be the bed I get into when I get back' angry

I texted back no you won't - other bed made up with clean sheets, be reasonable.

His reply - 'Shud be more comfortable for you then.

OK wise ones - what should I do when he turns up at 3.30am and tries to get into my bed??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 23:00

he should not be given the opportunity to turn up at 3:30, why would he ?

if he does, he should find the bar on the door (or the key left in the lock from the inside) so he can't get in at all

love, I know you are trying to convince us you are strong'n'all...but you are not in charge here, are you ?

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 23:01

it is your house

did you forget that ?

I am not asking if he forgot it...he is an arse, so his opinion does not count

ninja · 23/08/2011 23:04

He's bringing back the kids from being at his mum's - sorry should have explained that.

He has to come in the house sadly and I want to see them.

He's still saying he's going to sleep in the bed whether I'm in it or not

OP posts:
DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 23:07

He's bringing back the kids at 3.30 in the morning ? confused

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 23/08/2011 23:07

Call his bluff. He's expecting you to back down.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 23:08

ou want to see your kids at 3:30

no, don't

he brings in the kids quietly, settles them in bed and then sleeps elsewhere

if he tries to get in your bed, call the police

I am serious on this

this is your house, your relationship is over

if a rando bloke from the street climbed in your bed, it would be assault

he is a random bloke who happens to be the father to your dc

that gives him no more right to enter your bed than anyone else

you msut be strong here

do not enter into late night discussions

tell him you must not be woken and you will see the kids in the morning....I fear you are upping the drama here

go to bed, go to sleep, with 999 on speed dial...make sure he knows this...does he really want such a fuss in the night ?

sort it in the morning

waterrat · 23/08/2011 23:09

Dear god the man is an abusive arsehole. Whatever happens tonight he needs to get out of your house from tomorrow. Tell him tomorrow you are changing the locks and will call the police I'd he tries to get in. After hearing your last post I think you need to speak to women's aid

diggingintheribs · 23/08/2011 23:09

You need to see a solicitor and get him out of your house and out of your bedroom

is all his stuff in the bedroom? If so, just move it to the guest room

"You are a guest in my house so you will be sleeping in the guest room - if you don't like it, sleep in your own house"

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 23:09

sorry for typo's, doing 3 things at once here, hope you get the gist

do not enter into late night drama, you will regret it

sleep

see your kids in the morning