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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have told MIL about (soon to be ex) H and I?

137 replies

ninja · 23/08/2011 16:37

H decided in Jan that he didn't want to sleep in the same room as me so I moved into the spare room and later onto a mattress on the floor in the box room.

At the end of Feb he decided that he didn't want to be accountable to anyone and certainly not me and that we should separate. By that time he was being so nasty to me (I couldn't say or do anything right) that I wasn't sorry but did suggest trying counselling.

I came back from caming with the kids with Easter and he'd put an offer in on a house so I think his intention was quite clear and since then he's demanded half the value of the house plus other things - but that's another story.

Basically his Mum lives in Ireland and I assumed that when he went over to see her with the kids in May that he would tell her - but he didn't (DD1 didn't know at that point so I could understand to some extent). He was not keen on me telling my parents but as I've had to borrow money off them I had to and of course they've been supportive.

We told DD1 (8) a couple of weeks before the end of term and while of course she's been upset, she's been so mature about it and tried to look on the bright side. I paid H the money from this house in the middle of July, for some reason he didn't complete for 3 weeks but the house is now his (even though he's still living here while he does some work on it).

He went to visit his Mum again last Thursday and took DD1 and DD2 (2) with him and as DD1 knew I assumed again that this time he would tell her, but when I spoke to DD1 she told me that she was finding it really hard keeping the secret Shock I am so Angry that he could put her in that position and Sad for her as she clearly wants to talk about it. I did think well it's his decision though.

Today when I phoned up to speak to the kids she asked me what was going on. She said she could tell that something was up and he'd admitted we weren't happy but not said anything else (well he had told her that he was sleeping in the front room Shock that he would lie like that, but...)

I said she should speak to him but she kept asking and I just couldn't lie so in the end I told her that we'd separated and he'd got a house. I also said that we were trying to be amicable for the kids, that we'd be close, he'd have them half of the time and that DD1 was being very positive and that we'd been getting on a lot better since (well that was a little white lie).

I do feel really bad, it wasn't my place to tell her but I couldn't keep lying. He'd actually invited her over to stay in October so I don't know what he was going to do - keep up the pretense and move in? Drive up to a different house and tell her then?

So I'm ready for you to tell me I should have minded my own business, interested to see if anyone else would have told..

OP posts:
Groovee · 23/08/2011 17:22

You need to change the locks, get his bags packed and tell him to move to his new house.

MigratingCoconuts · 23/08/2011 17:22

I also meant to add, that if you haven't already...go see a solicitor or he'll take advantage of your kind nature and rob you of what you have a right to

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:22

what bathy said

something very skewed here

get fucking rid of him...he wanted this, right ?

and please don't say you are going to wales on holiday with him

his life sounds like one long holiday at the moment, with you doing all the shitwork

btw, have you seen this new house of his ?

HeifferunderConstruction · 23/08/2011 17:25

You need to change the locks, get his bags packed and tell him to move to his new house.

^ this

SouthernFriedTofu · 23/08/2011 17:28

Could you actually bring a load of his crap and drop it in front of his house and then have the locks changed when he comes home?

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:28

Yes we are going away - we did at the beginning of the summer too. Holidays booked before we separated. He's going with the kids and tbh I don't want to miss out on seeing them for another week. I kept thinking at the beginning of the holidays that we'd not end up doing it and we'd said maybe not but when we told DD1 and she was crying he immediately said 'but we're all going on holiday together in 2 weeks Angry' I couldn't be the one to stop that although I have made it clear that we won't be doing that in the future.

Next week shouldn't be too bad, 2 kids of different ages and different interest. Take one kid each and swap later. Early bed time and lots of reading Grin

MC I lurk at lot on relationshps and have posted a couple of times.

problem is he's always told me it's all my fault and sometimes it's hard to try and see ('cos sometimes it is) and I can be a bit controlling. It's ironic that he also says how argumentative I am (when actually I try and avoid conflict)

I also want the kids to have beds (so I bought them - I also didn't want him to have an excuse not to move them in) and I've sorted out toys/clothes etc for him to take to his (again there are self-interest reasons here)

Maybe I am being a mug, but the kids won't see that as they don't know about finances or who owns what

I just keep thinking it's over soon and I feel soooo ready for that

OP posts:
Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:31

I've seen the house it's lovely and in a great position for the school and DD's friends. I've taken stuff round there while he's been away (and taken my friends round to see it after a night out Wink). It does exist and does need work doing. Nothing to mean he couldn't move in though.

Is it fair for DD1 to have to deal with him moving out and start of school at the same time?

OP posts:
MigratingCoconuts · 23/08/2011 17:31

please go to see a solicitor. You need to sort out everything so that you don't have this feeling of walking on rgg shells with every decision that is being made.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:31

It will never be over while you keep treating him like some teenager who is going away to Uni Confused

Although, I just want to say "well done" to ending it, btw.

You are very, very far from detached though, and at the risk of spouting a cliche, you are making a rod for your own back

Facilities for the kids at his place are his responsibility not yours

You are treating like a useless kid. Perhaps he is. But he always will be if you constantly bail him out.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:32

treating him

MigratingCoconuts · 23/08/2011 17:32

egg Grin

MigratingCoconuts · 23/08/2011 17:34

And I thnk the concern you are showing for DD is amazing. You are right to put her first but you continuing to share will expose her to the tense relationship. That's not good either

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:35

AF thanks. I just keep thinking when hes' gone it'll all be better.

It's difficult since I've kept most of the stuff in this house, is getting stuff for his house patly my responsibility? Until our joint savings ran out most of them were spent on solicitors fees and stuff for his house.

I will stop and start concentarting on myself.

I have seen a couple of free solicitors, again I thought it might be easier if that all happened once we were apart.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:36

Sorry for being so bossy, love

It just riles me when I see soeone's lovely nature being taken advantage of Smile

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:44

No AF it's fine. I know you give good advice Smile

Can't wait to be of this particular kid

OP posts:
Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:45

Off for a run now, take advantage of last child free night

OP posts:
eaglewings · 23/08/2011 17:45

You get the saint of the day award.
The same day he moves into his new house change the locks on yours and explain he is welcome in your home only when you actually invite him in.

AnyFucker · 23/08/2011 17:45

Have a good sweat Smile

Original poster
ninja · 23/08/2011 17:46

I will Grin

OP posts:
youarekidding · 23/08/2011 17:47

YANBU, fwiw I told my Ex-P mum we split. Well tbh he had told me he was living there so when she mentioned what time she'd pick us up to go visit Ex's GP I didn't think my reply of 'well you can take DS but I won't be going under the circumstances' would have been quite so Confused ing for her. Had no choice choice but to tell her then. Blush

Agree with AF You are being brilliant for DD1, but he needs to do this alone, it was he decision, he's made his bed elsewhere and he has to lie in it.

Good on you for telling his mum, she has a right to know in the fact your children are her GC.

aldiwhore · 23/08/2011 17:50

Can't really add much other than you're a saint... he should have told his mum, but as you're stil married, she is also your business and you can't lie to her. You did the right thing, though I do almost wish you'd gone even further in your honesty.

Being amicable is honourable unless you're being made a mug out of, I think you need to be less giving and friendly to your (soon to be x) H, you can still be reasonable without being made a fool of.

Please post again when he's gone, I'll open a bottle of red.

Becaroooo · 23/08/2011 17:54

YAsoooooooooNBU ninja

WilsonFrickett · 23/08/2011 19:15

You are not his mother.
You are not actually his partner.
You are his ex.

Get him out and do it now. FFS don't be fannying about spending your money on his house that you've already paid a giant whack towards. Where is your anger? He is walking out on you and your kids and you are treating him like he's off to build you a second home somewhere lovely for weekend breaks.

Grow a set and set an example for your DD - and your DS actually.

Sorry to be so harsh but I am Shock at what you seem to think is acceptable behaviour. I dont' think it's Relationships you need actually, maybe spend some time in Feminism?

DontGoCurly · 23/08/2011 19:30

You are being way TOO reasonable.

What the fuck business is it of his where you sleep in your own house. Change the locks and bag up his crap.

He has you brainwashed thinking it's your fault. It's not, you sound a lovely person. Don't be soft any more though. He's no longer your responsibility.

ShoutyHamster · 23/08/2011 21:01

Bottom line - he has already fleeced you as you have given him half of the house. You have care of the children, yes? You should have had at least 60%

So yes, no more holidays, no more lifting a finger for the shitbag - and get him out, pronto. He's taking you for a ride.