Why do men take so long to do a poo?

[FannyPriceless]

Seriously, how does it take half an hour to do a poo?

How is it that I can be so much more efficient with my time? I think to myself - I need to do a poo. I go to the loo. I do it. I wipe my bum. I wash my hands. That's 5 minutes.

I asked him once - specifically asking if it was because he was reading. He said, 'No, that's just how long it takes.'

Really?

My h is the same and it drives me mad. Disappears into the downstairs toilet for 20/30 minutes then comes out holding his stomach. Very annoying though as he always uses the downstairs shower room where our toothbrushes are and where I keep my makeup. Kids hate using upstairs toilet so it causes screaming. He must spend an hour and a half on the toilet daily

RedPony - I do the wife thing too! I have now convinced DP that the loo is unfortunately a cold spot for reception. Luckily he was brought up to believe that having paper reading material in there is a bit revolting, hence his use of ipad etc.

We even have on our list of 'house jobs to do', sort out wifi coverage. Yeah right.

Aaarrrggghhh WIFI. Not wife.

Forgive me for going off at a bit of a tangent here, but I've had a horrible realisation: when I buy secondhand books (which is practically all of the books I buy), they may have previously been someone's "toilet books".

Boak

navcrowds Plenty of people go like this on their own, in a house with no-one else in it, when they don't have kids or a partner. My ex was like this, always, long before we met or lived together, because he goes to the toilet at set times of the day and sits there until he goes. He calls that "being regular" and it's what he was taught. He simply cannot go in any toilet that isn't his home, so he can't go spontaneously when he feels an urge and has trained himself out of responding to the signals and he just sits there and waits for it to happen. He does that when he lives alone too, always has. The reading and playing on phone and "me time" stuff is secondary.

Thanks for bumping though, it was a hilarious read!!!

(It drove me mad too and I'm so glad to be with someone now who just goes where and when they need to in a few minutes)

Ugh, this drives me crazy too! What really bugs me is when we are at an airport and they announce boarding...and he's stuck in the loo. At home he takes his laptop in and claims to work while having a poo.

I think that men have to plan their pooing activities and the whole taking down trousers and making themselves comfortable is part of the pooing ritual- unlike women who are often sitting down on the loo, having a wee anyway and so it is more spontaneous . I never think 'oh I'm going to spend the next 40 minutes having a poo before I watch football/mow the law or whatever. I just think 'oh I'll just nip to the loo because I need a wee, and then when I'm sitting there I think oh I need to do a quick poo while I'm here

DP does this and it drives me mad. I think its because he goes when he doesn't really 'need' to. We were talking recently about how much he farts and why he feels the need to forcefully push the farts out. If he really needed to then it would just come naturally surely? He must do the same with having a shit.

Probably a stupid question and apologies if so, but have you checked with a solicitor to see if he can actually refuse to allow you to pay it off earlier ?

Oops sorry wrong thread!!!

Don't have any input on pooing men - my DH is an in and outer except he does a full bum wash each time!

I have read this with fascination. Certainly in our house it's not just a reading issue - I am confessional face a reader-when-pooing (I think it's a strong association from childhood, to the extent that I suspect I'd be slightly constipated in the absence of reading material, have been known to read, eg, the back of a Toilet Duck bottle...), and DP still takes longer than me to have a poo. Also uses the "that's just how long it takes" line. I seriously have no idea what's going on in his digestive system.

Whereas we women will have one big dump and be done with it, a man will do it in stages.
Plop, have a break, plop, have a break, plop, have a break - this can go on for half an hour.
And then they stink the room out, because if you're gonna go that way about things, you should really be flushing after EVERY plop. that way the smell doesn't build up
I think they must have numerous stomachs, like cows.

Thank God they don't have babies! They would be in labour for months.

redpony, you are truly resourceful. Kudos.

It is that they 'make' themselves go at a certain time, isn't it?

Just wait until you need a shit FFS!

Does anybody elses dh come out after a poo with a very satisfied expression wanting congratulations and possibly a gold star?

My DH comes out looking like this.
I think it gives them a thrill.

I poo once/twice a week am I the odd one

Bloody odd in my books. I can't imagine dumping a week's worth of poo in one sitting.

Is this a gift or an affliction?

poo once/twice a week am I the odd one

A friend of mine (female) when 3 weeks without doing one.

I used to be the same, would only poo occasionally, maybe once a week?

then I had a major tear when Dd was born, and was told I absolutely HAD TO do whatever it takes to poo every day, otherwise I'd put too much strain on my bum muscles.

they told me I had to drink lots of water, and eat lots of veggies. Which I already did.

yet somehow I do find myself pooing a lot more regularly now, almost every day - I think a couple of really horrible post-birth weeks put the fear of god into my sphincters.

it's the reading. Slows him down as he gets distracted. But it also has another positive function. in this modern world of hectic lifestyles, people like to have solitary moments to gather their thoughts and reflect on the day. it's perfect for that as that particular activity discourages any contact.

it's like women and baths; it's a man's calgon moment. Leave him be.

Perhaps he just wants to sit there until the smell goes away so you won't be offended when you go in after him. I suppose he could spray half a can of choking deodorant to try and disguise it............. (like women do.

3 weeks, sweetnessandlite?????

I'd be seeing the doctor.

Are all the women you know 17, neil?

Hint: If the spray in question is O2, Charlie Red or Exclamation!, the answer's yes

My DP actually unplugs his laptop from the main power and takes that in with him! Why?! Sometimes I hear him shout "I can't get any wifi connection with the door closed, I'm going to leave it open so keep the dog in there with you!"

Urgh.

Oh....and another thing.... breaking wind is perfectly natural so stop trying to disguise it by pretending to cough or shouting aaaatchoooo!!!!

The natural action of peristalsis should never be forced, but savoured.

Now I've lost my page..

I never disguise it at home Neil.

In fact I actively attempt to do loud ones, as revenge for DH's.