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Original poster

Why do men take so long to do a poo?

212 replies

FannyPriceless · 20/08/2011 10:50

Seriously, how does it take half an hour to do a poo?

How is it that I can be so much more efficient with my time? I think to myself - I need to do a poo. I go to the loo. I do it. I wipe my bum. I wash my hands. That's 5 minutes.

I asked him once - specifically asking if it was because he was reading. He said, 'No, that's just how long it takes.'

Really?

OP posts:
GirlWithALlamaTattoo · 21/08/2011 13:57

DP tells me that pushing loosens the sphincter, so one should sit and wait. Hmm He has a large pile of National Geographics, crosswords and books in there with him.

joric · 21/08/2011 14:25

Magazines by the toilet...:( Make me feel sick.

DrCoconut · 21/08/2011 14:35

I blame what's left of my pelvic floor for the fact that I am much quicker than DH!! And I eat far more fruit, veg etc.

Lifeinlalaland · 21/08/2011 15:14

Erm might just be my ex, but I asked him about his morning 30 mins plus in the bathroom and he said in addition to reading and pooing he had a 'wake-up wank' also.

I am not sure in what order he did all of this, thought it best to stop my queries there. Although weirdly I am now tempted to phone him and ask!

MightyQuim · 21/08/2011 19:54

Lifeinlalaland is this your ex www.rathergood.com/demon ?

hairfullofsnakes · 21/08/2011 19:59

look - I have the answer to this

Men spend so long taking a dump because the loo is their cave - their space to retreat from the world, to think of shit (!) and get away from us and the kids. The longer they stay, the more peace they have, so they spend as long as they can in there!

Do I get an A star now?!

lady007pink · 21/08/2011 20:02

That used to really annoy me when my dcs were small! During the day, I had to go with the door open so I could keep an eye on them, then in the evening time when DH was home the children would come in with me. I would never be there for more than 2 minutes, I didn't have the time.
However, DH would bring the paper in and spend 10-15 minutes there. I wish I could have had that "me" time now and again.

RamblingRosa · 21/08/2011 20:04

This is a revelation. For some reason I thought this was a particular (annoying) quirk of my DP. I had no idea it was so universal!

It drives me mad. Particularly the way he'll choose really inconvenient moments to lock himself in there without checking if anyone else needs the toilet first. I especially hate it when he does it just as I'm about to run DD's bath. Bathtime delayed and then have to bathe her in a foul smelling fug :(

Astronaut79 · 21/08/2011 20:12

This is a constant bone of contention in our house. DH is vegetarian (as am I), so can't blame his diet. He claims that 3 poos a day is a sign of a healthy bowel. I even timed him yesterday and clocked that he effectively got an hour off toddler wrangling through pooing. And to make it worse, DS soesn't even stand at teh bottom of the stairs shouting 'Daddy, Daddy' like he does when I try to escape. In fact, he's so used to Daddy buggering off for a poo that he simply looks up, questions, 'Daddy poo?' then gets back to his cars.

KenDoddsDadsDog · 21/08/2011 20:12

DH announces his poos. Has a starter and a follow up poo in the morning.
Tells me correct poo etiquette is to wait and not strain.

Astronaut79 · 21/08/2011 20:12

Dh would like me to let you all know that he does not take the paper with him anymore. He thinks that this makes a difference.

RamblingRosa · 21/08/2011 20:35

In fact, while we're on the subject, why are men generally so much fartier and stinkier? Is it related? Or is it just my DP Blush

bagelmonster · 21/08/2011 21:02

I was just about to mention that!!! we eat just about the same stuff although I drink more water than him, but the farting!!!??? What is that all about? And it is so noisy? Have been on the sofa for about an hour now on the computer while he watches telly and he has loudly farted about 4 times already. Don't think I have farted at all today. Is it just my DH?

nickelbabe · 22/08/2011 15:09

ha-ha! Grin

just asked DH how long he takes to do a poo, and he says that he just goes to the toilet, does his poo and finished.
he says about 5 mins normally (providing no other issues).

and he can't see the point in hanging around the cubicle for longer than is necessary. (i clarified if this counted at home, and he said yep, just poos and wipes then goes)

Grin

see, i just have the most perfect DH in the world, don't i. [smug Grin

minipie · 22/08/2011 15:19

Oh this thread has laughing in the office!

In fact, he's so used to Daddy buggering off for a poo that he simply looks up, questions, 'Daddy poo?' then gets back to his cars

brilliant.

My DH also takes ages and for some reason his poos smell much, much worse than mine do. No idea why. There must be some sort of pseudo scientific reason behind it.

MrGin · 22/08/2011 15:31

without having read the entire thread....

You do know there is another reason men spend a long time in the loo right ?

weejimmykrankie · 22/08/2011 15:39

My boyfriend of 6 months has a fairly small flat and the walls are quite thin. Every time I stay I am treated to all manner of explosive noises from the bathroom and he doesn't appear to be embarrassed in the slightest. This has been the case since literally weeks into our relationship. Though he has never actually farted in the same room as me. I, on the other hand, take special care to be as silent as possible. How I'd love to know what he was actually thinking about the disparity!

mistlethrush · 22/08/2011 15:39

I think its the set times that does it - the 'before breakfast', 'just in from work' and 'before bed' - and the fact that it 'has' to be at these 'set' times could well be part of the issue... Asfaik, 'perch' doesn't come into it - seems to be settle down, and lean back with a book.... Of course, missing at least an hour of the critical before school or tea/bedtime routine probably also adds to the length of time taken.

JanMorrow · 22/08/2011 15:45

Oh please don't tell me you have a shit-wank MrGin you sicko.

I know that my fella hasn't gone to have a wank in there (mmm toilets are so sexy), he's just sitting there having a poo and taking his time about it! It's usually around half an hour and I always say to him "I though you'd fallen in" when he comes out. Because I'm HILARIOUS.

MrGin · 22/08/2011 15:49

Thanks for the compliment Jan.

And no I don't have a 'shit-wank' as I can have a sank where ever I like in the house. but it sounds like your fella is.

MrGin · 22/08/2011 15:49

sank...wank

sigh

Animation · 22/08/2011 15:56

Anal retention.

Retain, push, retain, push, retain, push - retain retain - push - let go...

JanMorrow · 22/08/2011 16:06

you wank in the kitchen? ewwwwwwwwwwww

also, sorry seems I misjudged your sense of humour.

MrGin · 22/08/2011 16:22

Sorry Jan. It's difficult to tell sometimes if someones trying to be offensive or trying to be funny.

JanMorrow · 22/08/2011 16:41

haha, yes "trying" might be about right sorry!