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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 17:22

and why cant you respect dp wishes and either

  1. accept as things are. change spending.adjust
  2. increase hours in another job if need be
3.not rely upon such stereotypical gender roles.you home, he main wage.allow for an attitudinal and work change
toniguy · 12/08/2011 17:22

Not a very healthy relationship if you don't discuss these things op. Sit down and have an honest discussion. But as all the bills are being covered, and you are still managing to save a little, and you are determined not to work more than 20 hours a week term time only... Tbh the overwhelming majority on here are saying you haven't got a leg to stand on if your dh stands his ground and says that he doesn't want a stressful job which he does not derive fulfilment from. Thats all.

rookiemater · 12/08/2011 17:23

Bonsoir I do the minimum I see necessary on household chores and have a cleaner but it still seems to take me more time than I would like.

OP have you talked about this with your DH, does he know how you feel?

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 17:26

I'm a SAHM. Currently my husband and I have chosen DIY childcare while he works very hard at a job he loves. I am retraining at the moment so that I can go to work full-time the moment DC3 is in school every day. At that time I will have to outsource childcare for before and after school. I discuss this with friends and family often; it never occurred to me that it could be considered a slur. Oops.

The OPs arrangement sounds brilliant. She can contribute financially, spend quality time with the DCs AND do something that's meaningful to her...it would be a shame to lose that.

MarshaBrady · 12/08/2011 17:27

Oh course, but the dh is unhappy in a highly stressful job. It must be good to know that he is finally enjoying what he does.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 17:33

The bottom line is op: do you believe that your husband is equally entitled to feel happy and fulfilled in his role as you do in yours?

If you do, then you need to accept that he has made a positive life decision, which isnt actually impacting negatively on the family- it just means you have to think before you spend money now- which is actually a positive point when raising young people anyway Smile

If you believe that your personal comfort and happiness trumps his, then that's a dreadful basis for any relationship

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 17:36

Why do you think that is the bottom line, toniguy? I think there are many more variables at stake than that.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 17:43

And the good thing about having a real heart to heart op, is that the conversation might lead in new and exciting directions . Eg you say you aren't as well qualified or trained as your dh- well, maybe that's something you could invest in over the next few years. Your working life is likely to extend long past your children have flown the nest, so it would be good to feel you can develop your skills and Fulfil your potential

HappyMummyOfOne · 12/08/2011 17:48

Why do you get to choose to work very little in a job that you wouldnt swap or increase hours in yet expect your husband to work in a job that isnt what he wants at a certain salary level so that you can buy x, y and z. It doesnt take that long to do the housewor/shopping/bills - most people do that and work full time as well as other interests.

It sounds like you see a husband as there to bring in the money with little regard for him as a person. Switch roles, you go and work in a stressful job for 15 years and then you may find you feel differently, however hard work isnt something you sound like you want to do when you have somebody else to make do it for you.

happygilmore · 12/08/2011 18:58

So -

You have 260k equity in your house, and no mortgage to speak off.

You are able to work part-time/term time in a job you enjoy, and spend a lot of time with your children, something that is not an option for many.

You are able to save an additional £3k per year, and do not have to scrape on holidays/food/essentials.

Your husband is now in a job he enjoys.

I'm failing to see the problem here. My advice is to start being grateful for what you do have.

I also notice you refused to give any full details of how much income you are both bringing in each month, as I thought you would.

pointydog · 12/08/2011 20:08

When exactly were the goalposts defined, communicated and agreed upon?

Of course he hasn't moved them Hmm. Because they never existed.

The op married a bloke who worked hard and earned big bucks. She thought she had no need to retrain so she could do anything particularly high-earning and she could coast along part-time indefinitely.

Assumptions, assumptions.

You're not the boss of him, op.

redwineformethanks · 12/08/2011 21:58

I think some people are being quite hostile towards you, but I do agree that it may be possible to earn more by moving to a new job.

You are lucky to have term time hours at the moment, but that's a rare luxury which you could consider giving up. If you choose not to go down that route, that's up to you (and your DH), but you should at least acknowledge that it would be a way of earning more.

magicmummy1 · 13/08/2011 08:42

If OP married her DH for his money/earning capacity, and if she was explicit about that at the time, then it's fair enough for her to be disgruntled as he has clearly moved the goalposts. If she was not explicit about the importance of his earning capacity in their relationship, then the DH might reasonably assume that she married him for love and would want him to be happy.

It's probably a bit late now to tell him that his happiness is secondary to the amount of money that he brings in.

toniguy · 13/08/2011 09:22

I think if in this day and age a woman marries a man for his earning capacity rather than out of love and respect, she perhaps deserves to have the goalposts moved. This isn't some bygone era when women couldn't train and work as professionals, were barred from universities, and not allowed to own property. Its 2011. Maybe a few women do still exist who see their husband aa a meal ticket, but as the last post suggests, I'll bet my bottom dollar they aren't upfront and open about it! I bet theres no discussion where they explicitly state that they intend to remain poorly qualified and in part time work, while expecting their bloke to earn the big bucks even if it means doing a job he dislikes and finds stressful. As pointydog says, its assumptions. She assumed that because he earned a lot of money and practically paid their mortgage off for them and she never had to even think about whipping out his credit card or cash, that she could continue that way forever. Regardless of how he feels.

Bonsoir · 13/08/2011 09:27

Of course people (both men and women) choose partners for, among other things, their earning capacity. It is only sensible to do so. Marriage (coupledom) and family is first and foremost an economic entity. Don't be so idealistic.

DogsBestFriend · 13/08/2011 09:42

I suggest that you get off your ass and get a part time evening job working behind a bar on top of your regular part time job, OP, if you want to be kept in the lifestyle to which you've become accustomed.

You may not enjoy the work, but hey, that's not important, is it?

FootprintsOnTheMoon · 13/08/2011 09:46

You come across as having a bit of a 1 dimensional view of quality of life.

Yes, things will be different. Different doesn't need to mean worse - in particular with regard to opportunities for DC. Holidays may be out, but are there any interests that your DH could share with them? E.g. Camping, cycling, fishing, DIY, music, classic cinema or such like? New things may be out, but with a rested enthusiastic DH they could learn to source and refurbish nice second hand things. I have happy memories as a kid of berry picking and jam making as well as sewing and knitting and such like - in retrospect they were activities to bolster family finances.

I would have a chat to DH about renegotiating the domestic contract (gardening is not enough) - but I really wouldn't want to make it about money. In due course, he ma wish to go back, but nagging him into it is not smart.

FWIW, our third child was a redundancy baby. We had to move in with my parents. It was such a huge positive for the family that DH was suddenly able to spend loads of time with older DC, just at the time when normally they would have been a bit neglected and sidelined due to me being tired/postpartum etc. They just went to the park and the seaside together all the time. It really boosted my DSs self esteem to have such concentrated attention from his dad.

toniguy · 13/08/2011 10:01

That's a very good post footsteps. Obviously people pick their partner in the first place for a variety of reasons, but the true quality of the individuals and 'the relationship is borne out in the long term, and their capacity to embrace new challenges and situations in a positive and creative way. As I said in an earlier post, it's only dull individuals with dull relationships who'll whine 'but this is how things were 25 years ago, I want it to stay like that forever!'

Those with the capacity for a more dynamic relationship are able to cope with a few changes along the way!

emsies · 13/08/2011 10:40

I didn't realise when I married my partner that he wouldn't be high-earning (I'd moved in Oxbridge circles and just kind of assumed that) but it doesn't mean I'd ditch him as I don't have the lifestyle I'd ideally like!!!

It does sound like the (very few) that don't think the OP is being rather selfish might suspect I should!

pointydog · 13/08/2011 10:50

I'm not being idealistic. How sweetly ironic that those of us pushing the responsibility on to the op are accused of being left wing and idealistic.

I am being utterly realistic. Realistic about human nature, the vagaries of personalities and desires and the hopelessness of pinning your contentment for the rest of your life on a person other than yourself.

handsomeharry · 13/08/2011 11:09

I don't understand the link between being responsible for oneself and left wing politics.

toniguy · 13/08/2011 11:18

Totally agree with your last point, pointy!
Not a good idea to rely totally on another adult to provide you with lifelong contentment and fulfilment through their work. A degree of adaptability, to be able to step up and take the lead when necessary, or step sideways and try something different, is a sign of a healthy relationship. To actually not be able to contemplate doing that is really quite self- crippling.

Collaborate · 13/08/2011 11:35

Shouldn't OP be careful to ensure that if she raises this with H then he doesn't realise that the final step in his journey to happiness and self fulfilment may be achieved by ditching her?

happygilmore · 13/08/2011 16:39

The kind of women who choose their partners on an economic basis seem likely to be traded in for a newer model when they get older, if you ask me. Just a transaction, eh bonsoir?

I hope to god my daughter grows up with more ambition for herself than to marry a rich man, jeez.

scottishmummy · 13/08/2011 19:19

when dp and i met we were skint students
couldnt have fortold earnings potential or career trajectory