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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:21

why dont you want to better yourself op?why are you cruising if your lifestyle demands a good wage.

MarshaBrady · 12/08/2011 12:22

So some do strive on stress, this dh doesn't. Can't frogmarch him to the interview. Middle road sounds dull though.

magicmummy1 · 12/08/2011 12:28

Well, I certainly don't thrive on stress and long hours. Popbiscuit, I'm guessing that your DH doesn't actually suffer from serious work-related stress. Or else you have no clue how he really feels. Hmm

Excessive and sustained stress is very different from the adrenaline buzz you get from an interesting and stimulating role. It can have real, long-term consequences and I very much doubt that anyone would thrive on constant anxiety and overwork.

MarshaBrady · 12/08/2011 12:29

oh yes thrive, that's the word. He feels released. Others wouldn't.

spiderpig8 · 12/08/2011 12:29

No point being the richest corpse in the cemetry.

fluffywhitekittens · 12/08/2011 12:31

But surely pointy dog marriage is a partnership and if you don't want the same things then therein lies the problem?
I still think a lot of this depends on how old the children are, how much money is left at the end of the month and what the jobs are that the op and her dp do.
So no I don't think it is reasonable to expect one person to provide everything at great personal cost but she has said her dp wasn't Ill because of his job.
Personally we are in the situation where I have a higher level of education and qualifications than dh but his job pays almost double than mine. At the moment while dc are young I am a sahm and we are having to cut back on lots of "stuff". That's fine. We have agreed that together. And in the future I'm more than happy to go back to work so we can be financially better off.
The op and dp need to talk together to reach some kind of compromise where they can both be happy.
Which she has said she is going to do.
I don't think she deserves the flaming but maybe it has helped her to put in perspective how fortunate she actually is compared to other people's situations?

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:37

partnership,yes.meaning shared responsibility and not over dependence on materialistic lifestyle supported by other but not self

if you want something work for it.teach that to the kids.bit of self reliance

toniguy · 12/08/2011 12:40

Fluffywhitekittens- it looks very much as though a satisfactory compromise has been reached though! The husband works full time, the op works 20 hours for a company she really likes and is actively choosing not to leave, they have virtually no mortgage, and enough money to live on. I'm sure after 15 years hard slog, and still with a full time role , the dh feels this is a perfectly satisfactory solution. The kids are no doubt fine too. It's only the op complaining because she can't have all the luxuries her dh used to work for!

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 12:43

I didn't read that the OP wanted her husband to get a better job so that he could fund a luxury lifestyle (or did I miss that somewhere?). It sounds like she wants him to get a job more like his old one so that they are not tight at the end of the month...very different. If he is allowing this to happen because he's enjoying working in some mickey-mouse job for which he's overqualified then he's in denial and being lazy and wasting his skills (redundancy aside). Workplace stress is usually more to do with the employer than the position itself.

I don't know how old the OP's dcs are but perhaps she values the balance of staying at home with DC / working part-time (I would!). Not to say that she should be willing to sacrifice her husband's health and happiness but it sounds like he's resting on his laurels. I would encourage DH to look for another job that is more in line with his qualifications for a better employer.

....and I'd slap him with a wet fish.

fluffywhitekittens · 12/08/2011 12:45

What pop biscuit said :)

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 12/08/2011 12:47

Poor Sod, but at least it won't be a shock to him. After all this time, he must know what sort of woman he's married to.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 12:48

op show some gumption and not stick to cosy 20hr pt job
this complete reliance upon dp to earn is flawed.she too can step up,make change,contribute more. its all v gender stereotypical and man provide.woman spend. and not a good role model for kids

naught · 12/08/2011 12:49

Job, would you not prefer a better job?

lettingitallgonow · 12/08/2011 12:55

I've had a 'high powered, high paid, long hours' job in the city which I also got made redundant from and I have to say it was the best thing that ever happened to me...

I now have a reasonable job, which I really enjoy, the pay is ok, but I'm a far happier, nicer person than I ever was.. I'm completely with your husband on this one, no point working yourself into an early grave for a few extra quid. If you can still pay the bills and live a little then the 'finer things in life' somehow fade into the backgroud if you've got a no stress job you enjoy.

If you want extra money, then go out and get it yourself.

Fooffy · 12/08/2011 12:59

Just curious. OP has not been clear precisely what "tight" means. (or I've missed it somewhere)

Tight as in weekly shop at Aldi, beans on toast come friday, school uniforms from Asda kind of way?

Or meal out every second weekend rather than every, downsized the gas guzzler to a Focus kind of way?

Cos it's hard to judge otherwise.

magicmummy1 · 12/08/2011 12:59

Popbiscuit, I don't think "tight at the end of the month" means that they are struggling to make ends meet. The op has said that it's about lifestyle, holidays and the kids going without stuff that most kids wouldn't have otherwise. These sound like luxuries to me.

They have a great house, almost mortgage-free, and her DH is still working FT. Previously, she said they never had to think about money, whereas now that's a factor that they have to consider. Actually, that's quite normal, isn't it?

The OP has acknowledged that her DH is much happier now. Are a few luxuries really worth going back to how things were before, if the DH has decided that he doesn't want to live like that any more? Sorry, but I think the op is being incredibly selfish.

happygilmore · 12/08/2011 13:01

I think you need to give actual numbers (although I suspect you won't).

What are your incomings each month? Essential outgoings?

What exactly are you missing out on now? 1 holiday a year? 3 holidays a year? A new car every 10 years? Or every year?

With a mortgage that low, as someone else said, your outgoings must be very, very small. If you were earning £2000 a month between you (and I suspect it's quite a bit more) you would be well off by anyone's standards.

I also don't get the comment about being on a fantastic package, yet you say he can earn what you earn in a day/week, in an hour. How is that a fantastic package?

You have a glaring sense of entitlment coming through your posts in my opinion.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 13:08

Agree totally happygilmore.

And I'm sure the 'fantastic package' is the fact that her job is only 20 hours a week, giving her two and a half days a week at home, and presumably not carrying the sort of responsibility and pressure that her dh did for 15 years! So obviously, it is a fantastic package to her. While the fantastic package she expects from her husbands job is to bring in about 8 times as much as she does! Sense of entitlement indeed!

Fooffy · 12/08/2011 13:09

I think cut your DH some slack.

If it's not through dire need that you want him change jobs then it's your responsibility to do something about it.

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 13:13

Ok. I'll give you that if "tight" in the OP's world is defined as "sacrificing" holidays, entertaining and various technological gadgets she is BU (and materialistic and selfish...). However, let's say that the OP's DH was a doctor and decided to work as an orderly or a lawyer that decided it was "too stressful" and decided to work as a file-clerk in a law firm. Would you not think that there was a slight problem there? They still have a big house to maintain in an expensive area, children to raise, educations to save for etc. Not really luxuries. They agreed to HAVE children and buy the family home together, those can't be undone and now he's decided it's "too stressful" to do the work necessary to maintain them. Lots of us would be "happier" with a "less stressful" job, no?

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 13:14

then decided

happygilmore · 12/08/2011 13:15

I agree popbiscuit, that's why actual numbers are needed.

I'm afraid from the OP's posts though that it's simply lots and lots of luxuries that she is missing.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 13:19

Popbisuit- the children cant be undone- but the house could, if necessary. Many people decide to downsize/ move to a cheaper area or make other changes to their lifestyle due to redundancy/ illness - or simply due to realising we all have only one life, and one persons happiness is as valid as anyone elses.

Anyway- this is all academic, as at no point has the op said the house is at risk or bills not being paid. She has stated that they cannot afford all the luxuries they previously did, like holidays, and that they now have to 'think' about money rather than spending willy nilly. I think that answers the question- she is being unbelievably selfish

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 13:25

its not penury.its just not spend at will. think before get his credit card out

Popbiscuit · 12/08/2011 13:36

Mmm...new lifestyle adjustment woes, perhaps? I wouldn't be happy about downsizing though UNLESS it was because of redundancy / illness, in which case I'd do so in a heartbeat. If it was because DH wanted to work in an "easy" job then sorry; no-way Jose. It would be selfish to uproot your kids, change schools etc. because you wanted to avoid stress.

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