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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 12/08/2011 13:38

Doesn't sound like changing schools or house, that's different. Sounds like it's just holidays. But who knows.

magicmummy1 · 12/08/2011 13:39

Out of interest, popbiscuit, do you also work FT? Or is it just your DH?

happygilmore · 12/08/2011 13:41

The OP herself said they don't have money worries, but she now has to think before she buys things.

If that is the extent of their money worries, I'm off to get my little violin to play a very sad song in commiseration at the hardship of it all.

Laquitar · 12/08/2011 13:44

By OP: 'not many posters have mentioned my dcs in all this'.

Thats because you haven't mentioned them at all. You have spend the first half of the thread talking about housework Confused.

If he takes the easier job and you cut back your expenses you might both have more time and more fun with the dcs.
But the bit about his 'housework standards' when he doesn't do any housework worries me a bit.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 13:47

Moving house and changing schools?!

Hardly! They've almost paid off the mortgage- thanks to the 15 years hard slog her dh did in a stressful job. Its just the loss of luxuries the op is worried about. Not worried enough to up her working hours though!

toniguy · 12/08/2011 13:58

Actually I still think the bottom line is that if the op talks to her dh, she'll find this IS the middle ground. He practically paid off their mortgage in his 15 years of high stress career, plus got them to a point where they could afford luxuries which most people can't (ops words). That's actually pretty extreme, given that most of us need at least 25 years to pay off' a mortgage, and also can't just spend without thinking . The other extreme would be if the dh were to jack in paid employment completely, or piss about working a few hours a week. In actual fact, he still works full time and the bills still get paid, things are just a bit tight- in other words, they have achieved a middle ground. In fact, seeing as he's the one working full time while she insists she cant possibly do more than a half time job, some of us would consider the 'middle ground' is perhaps stacked more in her favour than she'd care to admit...

encyclogirl · 12/08/2011 14:14

I think she's open to a re-think, she said she planned on discussing this with him tonight. Some really great advice along with a few slaps on this thread could've been exactly what she needed.

Wonder how much is not enough though? I will admit to nosyness on that front.

fluffyhands · 12/08/2011 14:30

I'm surprised by the reactions of people on this thread.

The OP may be a bit selfish in expecting her DH to do a stressful job. However, just because the mortgage is almost paid off and they have just enough to get by on doesn't mean that they are OK. Short-term they are comfortable but long-term is a different matter.

If money is so tight that aren't capable of saving/investing for their (and their two DCs) future then one of them needs to get a better paid job. A £20k pension requires a £650k pension pot and uni fees for their two DCs could be be another £50k-£100k.

Perhaps people on this board aren't worried about the future but if my DH and I found ourself unable to save/invest for the future then both of us would be looking for better paid work even if that meant a bit more stress.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 14:43

Absolutely agree 100% about pensions and investing in the future. Which is why it makes even less sense that the op is insisting in only working half a week. Clearly she expects her dh to be paying into a nice fat pension fund for her too Hmm

Original poster
jobnamechange · 12/08/2011 15:23

I have stated many times toniguy there are no more hours avalible for me,and by a good package i mean i have a job which i can fit around my dc and a term time only contract which are really hard to come by.
As far as investing in the future goes at the moment all we are able to save is £250 per month (often we dont even manage this as we end up having to spend it)which is a far cry from what we would have been able to save in the past.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 15:26

so move out your comfort zone,look for another better paid ft job
stop cruising start contributing more financially
in fact is not that what you want your dp to do?you want him to stop faffing and get a better paid job - so why dont you lead by example

porcamiseria · 12/08/2011 15:27

OK I have decided that OP is NOT BU, esp the point re pensions and savings

And I hear you, you need a job that also allows for childcare

BUT if he is really not up for change, he takes on the kids, hire a clenaer and get yourself a kick arse exec job! Like mine HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Original poster
jobnamechange · 12/08/2011 15:29

The only way i could get a better paid job is if i retrained,however my income is needed so there is no way i could do this.
Dh however is qualified up to his eyes and working well bellow his capabilities

OP posts:
porcamiseria · 12/08/2011 15:32

I think compromise and middle ground is needed, good luck!

rookiemater · 12/08/2011 15:33

Last year I reduced a grade at work and my hours somewhat, it has led to a substantial reduction in my take home salary but the change to my well being is unbelievable. I enjoy my life now and the time I spend with DS and have enough time and energy to pursue my own hobbies ( have done half marathon) that i never had before.
Luckily DH was supportive although he could not help but mention the drop in salary, however I did it partly because he works long hours as a contractor so I was doing pretty much all the childcare during the week.

OP I can see why you are resentful but you have a healthy husband and children and you can still save £250 per month. That's a lot of money. Presumably your DH has a good pension for the time he worked at the other company and you have one where you work.
Support your DH and let him come to his own conclusions, I bet in a year or so he will be ready to move on to something a bit more challenging and well paid, but right now it's pay back for his hard slog. At least he has gone out straight away and found another job that pays the bills, some people lose their impetus totally when they are made redundant. If you feel hard done by then equalling the balance in home chores is the way to go, not forcing him into a job that he isn't ready for.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 15:33

you are determined not to budge an inch
its all him, and he needs and what he has to do
really are you maxed out?what about 2 days you dont work?in your field is there no additional hours,cover other people leave,sickness etc

encyclogirl · 12/08/2011 15:36

Maybe think differently OP, could you or your dh do something to bring in a third income? Someone said upthread that the work place is changing and they were right.

Could you retrain outside of your work hours? I did this years ago, retrained by night, we had one dc at the time. It's not easy, but it's doable.

Be flexible in your thinking when you sit down to talk.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 15:37

What scottishmummy says. You don't NEED a term time only job- its just that it suits you and avoids having to spend on childcare. Even if you insist on working term time only, you could still do more than 20 hours a week. Thats only 4 hours a day fgs! If 'the hours aren't there in your present job, then fight for another job and be so damn good at it, they give you term time hours. In other words, do what you expect your dh to do- get your finger out!

kickingking · 12/08/2011 15:47

Good grief, I wish I was you! It sounds as though you both have a good material quality of life and less stress than you used to.

In the last five years, we've been skint, but not very stressed, with me at home with the baby(through redundancy not choice) and then had more money but been very stressed, with me ending up in tears with work stresses most weeks. In both situations we have been stuck in negative equity in a small two bed terrace in a shit area.

I wish we could find a middle ground and live in a large house in a nice area, with a 10K mortgage.

MindyMacready · 12/08/2011 15:56

OP, you can have more than one job you know! You don't have to leave your current "great package" to earn more money.

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 15:57

"You don't NEED a term time only job- its just that it suits you and avoids having to spend on childcare."

Maybe the OP wants to spend time with her children in the holidays rather outsourcing childcare. Which is of itself no crime at all - a perfectly reasonable desire (more particularly because it is not always very easy to turn a profit from working if you outsource childcare properly).

toniguy · 12/08/2011 16:11

Absolutely reasonable, especially if she hasn't got herself qualified or trained well enough to outsource good quality childcare.
Absolutely UNreasonable to then whine that her husband doesn't earn enough to pay for the luxuries that she wants.
As someone else said, lead by example. Maybe retrain / get some higher qualifications Smile

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 16:21

outsource deliciously obnoxious.i like it

toniguy · 12/08/2011 16:23

Lol scottishmummy. I was tempted to add 'to strangers' as that hasn't been mentioned - yet Grin

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:26

Outsource is a perfectly neutral term, scottishmummy.