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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want dh to get a better paid job

340 replies

jobnamechange · 10/08/2011 21:37

I would really appreciate some advice on this one and/or some slaps with a wet fish if appropriate!

Dh had a highly stressful,lots of responsibility,well paid managerial job for about 15 years.During this time we paid off nearly all (only 10k left to pay off)of our mortgage,we live in the best area in town in a large victorian semi which is worth about 270k.
Unfortunatly dh was made redundant about 18mths ago and since we have next to no mortgage and no debt he has decided to take a much lower paid much less stressful job which he really enjoys.
However now we have much less money at the end of the month and even with the next to no mortgage there is little left over and things can be tight.
I work 20hrs a week and during the other 2 days i do all the chores,dh basically works and does the garden and i'm responsible for everything else,i suppose we have quite an old fashioned relationship in the sense that i look after houshold things and our 2 dc.
so AIBU to think that as things are tight that dh should get a better paid job along the same kind of lines as he used to have?
At the moment it feels like he is a qualified accountant but has decided to work in the local arcade as its much more enjoyable and alot less stressful
(he isnt an accountant btw but its a similair comparison) so AIBU?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 16:29

aye,if you say so,like day care orphanage has a certain ring to it

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:33

No, "day care orphanage" is incorrect terminology.

Outsourcing is what you do when you pay someone else to do a job you could otherwise perform yourself. You take a make or buy decision according to what is more efficient and cost-effective in your own particular circumstances. The OP may well feel - as many parents do - that outsourcing childcare for a significant part of the time is detrimental to relationships and family life (whether or not it is affordable for her particular family). That is a perfectly reasonable position.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 16:40

i dont need semantics about outsource i like it. has a precious moments mama ring to it. yes outsource like industrial processing or something

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:41

You are über sensitive, scottishmummy. But that is no surprise!

toniguy · 12/08/2011 16:42

Just as her husband feels that slogging his guts out in a high stress job which he doesn't actually like, simply to pay for luxuries (and to allow her to do a low paid job and stay home fannying about with housework a couple of days a week) is detrimental to family life Smile

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 16:44

i am sensitive-well observed.people in work tell me im sensitive too.so not a surprise to hear

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:44

I think that the OP stays at home PT / works PT in order to take good care of her family - which is not the same thing at all as fannying about with housework and buying luxuries.

And, as we are all very well aware at the moment, a lot of British children are receiving a less-than-adequate upbringing. Why slate those mothers who try to do the best by their families by doing the job themselves?

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:46

A friend of mine was round last night and was asking me to help her think through her current work/childcare dilemma. She used the term "outsourcing" for childcare constantly, as would any of the women I know. It's a neutral and totally standard term for the choices families make every day.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 16:48

Nope, read the thread - shes not a contented part timer, she's whining that her husband doesn't earn more money for all the extras. Not a recipe for contented and harmonious family life!

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 16:51

I have read the thread and your analysis is incorrect; the OP is unhappy because her DH has moved the goalposts without properly consulting her.

5Foot5 · 12/08/2011 16:51

"I also do not believe the posters who are saying that if this were to happen to them then they would just support their dh etc"

Believe it.

Your original post could have described our situation almost exactly - up to the point where you said you wanted DH to look for a better paid job.

My DH also had a stressful but well-paid job. Mortgage will be paid off later this year as a result. However, almost 2 years ago he too lost his job. Unfortunately he was out of work for nearly 18 months, part of the problem being that he really didn't want to go back to what he was doing previously but wasn't sure what he did want.

Six months ago he found another job. It pays approximately half of what he earned before but he is really enjoying it. He has said on more than one occasion that he is happier in this job than he has been for at least 10 years.

I am delighted for him and under no circumstances would I want him to change this situation for more money.

While he was out of work we went through a great deal of our savings. I work full-time but it still wasn't enough to pay everything - even though we made economies. However, now he is earning again, even though it is considerably less, I have realised we can easily make ends meet and still have money left over to save and spend on the occasional treat. Not as much as before but enough.

Years ago when my BIL was having to wind up a business that was going bad and take a less well-paid job I remember my sister saying that they would have to make economies but really she would rather be the wife of a bankrupt than the widow of a millionaire. I fully concur with that sentiment.

Original poster
jobnamechange · 12/08/2011 16:55

toniguy why would i work term time only if not for my family?
i have stated in the thread previously that i work damn hard too and i resent the fact that as i'm part time what i do at home is classed as fannying about about and i think that other SAHM's and part time workers would also find this offensive

OP posts:
rookiemater · 12/08/2011 16:55

Gosh I find it amazing how women choose to negate housework, I thought it was only men that found it invisible. Running a household requires a reasonable amount of hours each week, and whilst the OP is lucky to only work 3 days a week around school hours, keeping a house clean, buying food, doing laundry, running errands all take some time, yes indeed some mumsnetters manage to do all this and work full time, good for them.

Also I find myself agreeing with bonsoir, if possible it's nice if children don't have to go to pre school and after school every day. I'd absolutely love to have the working arrangement the OP does, it sounds brilliant and would be such a shame to lose it.

Original poster
jobnamechange · 12/08/2011 16:56

Thank you for your understanding bonsoir

OP posts:
toniguy · 12/08/2011 16:56

Or:
the op is unhappy because her dh is considering his OWN emotional well being and happiness within the family unit, rather than just hers!

Good partnerships are about more than the man earning to keep little wifey in the lifestyle she wants- as 5foot quite rightly points out.

scottishmummy · 12/08/2011 16:58

are you personally thanking all affirmative posts op?

emsies · 12/08/2011 16:59

Hmmm. Mortgage almost completely paid off for a good house in a good area. Still able to save £250 a month after all bills, current lifestyle paid for. DH working in a job he enjoys and much less stress free.

Yup - I'd swap. Still think she's being ever so ungrateful for all he's done so far!

oohlaalaa · 12/08/2011 17:02

I did a stressful job to pay for the bills, and then changed for a job that gave me a better quality of life, and never looked back.

It has meant being more frugal, but you learn to adapt.

No sympathy for me, I would much rather a happy husband and less money coming in.

oohlaalaa · 12/08/2011 17:07

I would just like to add, when I changed job, I went from being the higher wage earner to the lower earner. I also changed job before children.

My husband was upset with the lower income, no improvements to house and less holidays, but he was understanding.

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 17:07

rookiemater - mostly the women who dismiss running a household are the ones that don't bother much - either the ones that outsource or the ones that live in a tip.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 17:08

Anyway for the umpteenth time, for those who haven't read the thread properly, the dh didn't move the goalposts. He got made redundant. This was after 15 years in' a high pressure job where he almost paid off the mortgage- so we can assume he had a decent pay off. He then utilised this opportunity to find work which he enjoys more, and Which still pays all the bills and even allows for some saving each month. He's happier - so we can assume the family dynamics are better there too. Only people in rather staid and boring partnerships would whine that it's 'not fair' . Those in more dynamic relationships would see it as moving forward in a positive way.

toniguy · 12/08/2011 17:10

Oh and I'm all for outsourcing the mundane aspects of housework. Mopping floors and scrubbing toilets isn't high on my list of excitement!

Bonsoir · 12/08/2011 17:13

Different people want to outsource different aspects of their lives in order to invest more time in areas they value more. Which is all well and good. Though quite a lot of parents feel very torn (and not quite right) about outsourcing care of their own children. Some women happily outsource sex with their husbands to others, however, so the value people place on performing intimate tasks for their families varies quite significantly...

Original poster
jobnamechange · 12/08/2011 17:16

yes dh did get made redundant but that does not mean he could not find another job of the same scale because of this and for the record dh and i have never sat down and discussed the fact that he would now work in a much lower paid job,dh came to that conclusion by himself

OP posts:
lisad123 · 12/08/2011 17:20

so he is enjoying his job and seems less stress, you can pay the bills and still put £250 a month into the savings??!! Clearly you have spent too long in a the rich life to understand how mad you sound Hmm
Whats the point of gathering up objects at the cost of happiness, you cant take them with you when you die.