to have walked out on best friends' rude child? (long).

[SaffronCake]

I arranged to go for lunch with my best friend, but she sent me a text as I was leaving to say she didn't want to go out (joint pain- it's a recurring problem for her) so we'd be having lunch at hers. She could have told me earlier and I wouldn't have spent an extra half hour getting ready I thought, but nevermind, make-up's on now and hair's up, too late.

Once at hers, her 11 year old daughter would not shut up, singing the same 4 lines of the most annoying single in the charts over, and over and over. We've got a relationship a bit like sisters and we'd both tell each others kids off without second thought. I asked the girl to stop it, she said she couldn't, so I said if that was the case then go to her bedroom or out to play because it's annoying and very rude and she's making it hard for Mummy and I to talk to each other. It made no difference beyond a quiet 2 or 3 minutes here and there.

After an hour of this my baby can't concentrate on anything, including her lunch, and the annoying 11 y/o is now laughing every time my baby spits her food. So I tell her not to because it encourages bad behaviour. That again works for 2-3 minutes and either another bloody 4 lines of "Swagger Jagger" or laughing at the baby starts up again. It wasn't even a real laugh, it was clearly put on.

After giving up on lunch and trying to cuddle baby in for her nap for another 10 minutes while the girl kept on singing/humming the same 4 lines (just 4 lines) of that infernal annoyance, so that baby couldn't even sleep, I packed up said we were leaving. My friend (who was quite shocked as I would be expected to hang about until early evening, it being quite a drive) asked if I was Ok, I said, "no I've had enough of it, but it's her house, so we better be off".

Cue shock and awe all round, one very guilty 11 year old and a rapid departure.

I don't think I'm out of order, because I don't think I could really have done anything else. If my friend isn't going to insist on basic respect in her house I've no right to wade in and set the punishments, but that said I don't like the scene-making-ness of it all and now I feel sorry any of it happened at all.

Was IBU? Please be nice.

If anybody invited me over to their house and cooked me a meal, I wouldn't dream of flouncing out because I found their DC 'irritating'. Let alone if that person was my BF and in a lot of pain.

OP, you are the one who needs to get some manners! I dread to think what your baby will turn out like with you as a role model!

Just as an asides, I think anyone who wants silence for their baby to get to sleep is making a rod for their own back.

My babies all slept through noisy daytime activities, including older children making a racket, as that's what they were used to, so they were not disturbed or kept awake by anything. If they were tired, they slept.

I wouldn't ever expect a child in their own house to be quiet for my baby, much less flounce off in a cloud of irritation if they didn't. You've got to go with the flow under those circumstances and get over yourself big time.

OP, have you had any contact with your friend since?

I've had the conga stuck in my head for most of my pregnancy. Now if someone could explain this one to me :) (No, I don't sing it out loud).

11 year old kids can be extremely annoying. And when they get to 13, wow! Of course, mine won't be like that... (because I'll tune them out!)

You have to remember we only have one side of the story here. Reading between the lines the OP's friend is not usually shy of telling her, or her friends children off so the fact she didn't this time indicates to me that the child wasn't behaving that badly and the OP was in a mood because she had her arrangements changed and her baby was playing up. We've all been there when baby won't eat/sleep and is screaming and it's very stressful. it sounds like that is what has happened here.

My friends dd is exactly like this - everything has to revolve around her. It is beyond irritating.

Has the OP been back??

Pictish i agree. Why didnt OP put her baby upstairs if she wanted quiet?

YANBU

A 11 year old should know better, i would understand it if it was a 7 year old (although if my 7 year old did this i would have shut her up or sent her to another room), i think you did the right thing by leaving early, if i was the childs mother i would be embareesed by my dd's behaviour.

My Dd1 has Aspergers and often sings the same tune over and over but would shut up if we had guests over (i might have to tell her a couple times but she would eventually do as she's told).

YWNBU to think that the child was behaving badly in the long run, but YWBU to react the way you did. I think it's a bit mean, tbh.

The girl was obviously displaying attention seeking behaviour which should have been addressed by her mum, or you in place of her mum. But could you not have done it in a little less prickly way? (laughing, 'Ok, ok MIss Swagger Jagger, we hear you, now would you be an angel and help the baby eat his/her lunch? She's been really looking forward to seeing you and you are sooo good with him! )

Maybe she was excited to see you? I have lost count of the amount of times I have hellishly endured ooh and ahhed over a new dance routine or somesuch shit delight when I have visited my friends (and yes, from an 11 yr old). I find if you give some attenion to them (wow, cool song, do you like Cher Llyod then? Blah blah) at the beginning, you can then move on to having a normal conversation with the adult. As you say it is her house too - this means you weren't just visiting her mum, you were visiting her too, iyswim? Not quite the nice restaurant lunch you planned, but hey ho.

I totally agree that she was being cheeky, but I think you should ring your friend just to make sure everything is ok.

PS Arghhhhh that song!!!!

To look on the bright side....

If the original restaurant lunch had gone ahead has planned then how much more annoying the 11 yo behaviour would have been - not just for the OP and her Mum but all the fellow diners.

All that plus a baby spitting its food out, I think the restaurant had a lucky escape.

Well said, Tante and 5Foot.

All this talk of shutting a child up reminds me of dominant husbands whinging on that their wives won't stop nagging them.

Engage with children. Don't silence them. Divert them.

children do sometimes need to understand their audiences. An 11 year old should well be on her way to realising that adults find certain things children do disinteresting/annoying. Everyone has to learn to work with their audiences. She wouldn't get away with that kind of behaviour in school - and at 11 she should know that it is extremely annoying and rude. So yes, I do think it's appropriate to talk about shutting a child up, as much as it's relevant to talk about shutting an adult up who won't adapt their behaviour despite multiple requests.

Hmm - no matter how annoying I have found other people's children I have never felt I had the right to tell them off in their own home. I just think that's overstepping the mark. And, rightly, they would take umbrage at someone else interfering.
What this girl did sounded merely annoying and silly.
And I have encountered lots of annoying children of friends - but I don't consider it my job to bring up other people's children in their own home.
Unless they were doing something dangerous. Then I would point out that little Johnny was about to slice his finger open etc. if Mum or Dad hadn't noticed.
I have, however, had no problem stopping other people's children misbehaving in my house if they were breaking my house rules.

as the mother of a 9 year old with aspergers that sings "today i dont feel like doing anything...."over and over again, i sympathise! the same song over and over is very very irritating!!