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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have walked out on best friends' rude child? (long).

214 replies

SaffronCake · 09/08/2011 17:23

I arranged to go for lunch with my best friend, but she sent me a text as I was leaving to say she didn't want to go out (joint pain- it's a recurring problem for her) so we'd be having lunch at hers. She could have told me earlier and I wouldn't have spent an extra half hour getting ready I thought, but nevermind, make-up's on now and hair's up, too late.

Once at hers, her 11 year old daughter would not shut up, singing the same 4 lines of the most annoying single in the charts over, and over and over. We've got a relationship a bit like sisters and we'd both tell each others kids off without second thought. I asked the girl to stop it, she said she couldn't, so I said if that was the case then go to her bedroom or out to play because it's annoying and very rude and she's making it hard for Mummy and I to talk to each other. It made no difference beyond a quiet 2 or 3 minutes here and there.

After an hour of this my baby can't concentrate on anything, including her lunch, and the annoying 11 y/o is now laughing every time my baby spits her food. So I tell her not to because it encourages bad behaviour. That again works for 2-3 minutes and either another bloody 4 lines of "Swagger Jagger" or laughing at the baby starts up again. It wasn't even a real laugh, it was clearly put on.

After giving up on lunch and trying to cuddle baby in for her nap for another 10 minutes while the girl kept on singing/humming the same 4 lines (just 4 lines) of that infernal annoyance, so that baby couldn't even sleep, I packed up said we were leaving. My friend (who was quite shocked as I would be expected to hang about until early evening, it being quite a drive) asked if I was Ok, I said, "no I've had enough of it, but it's her house, so we better be off".

Cue shock and awe all round, one very guilty 11 year old and a rapid departure.

I don't think I'm out of order, because I don't think I could really have done anything else. If my friend isn't going to insist on basic respect in her house I've no right to wade in and set the punishments, but that said I don't like the scene-making-ness of it all and now I feel sorry any of it happened at all.

Was IBU? Please be nice.

OP posts:

TheBride · 09/08/2011 20:58

She gave herself a time out

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 20:59

So if somebody started a thread saying

"i had arranged to go out for lunch with a friend today, but was in pain with my joints, so I offered to have do lunch at my house. Friend said this would be great, and came over with her baby, who seemed to be out of sorts, seemed off her food, and wouldn't settle.
Dd spent the afternoon playing inside, she was pretty much occupied, and loves babies.
friend kept telling my dd off for humming, to be honest I didn't really notice as she's always making some no noise or other, and was being really good.
friend then made a bit of a scene blaming my dd, saying "ive had enough, and it's her house" and the walked out.
Now I feel bad, dd might be annoying at times, but today wasn't one of them.
Aibu to think my friend overreacted because we couldn't go out as planned?

DoMeDon · 09/08/2011 21:01

I would say - maybe you thought DC wasn't annoying but your freind certainly did

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 21:01

Point is, would you still have the same opinion of child's behaviour or would theoretical OPs friend be U?

halcyondays · 09/08/2011 21:02

Humming and singing over and over, even after being asked to stop by a friend of your mum's, is not "being really good"

TheBride · 09/08/2011 21:05

alow the problem with AIBU is that you're in the position of a defence attorney- you have to accept the OP's version of events, and of course, there are always two sides.

However, if in your alternative OP you'd added " the visitor asked my child on several occasions not to hum as it was getting on her nerves" then I would have said YABU, because even if you find the humming ok, if a visitor asks you to stop, then you stop.

halcyondays · 09/08/2011 21:10

Exactly, even if she was used to the singing and it didn't bother her, she must have known the op was getting annoyed as she'd asked her dd to stop. It's bad manners to let your children annoy somebody who is a guest in your house, without even trying to stop them.

spiderpig8 · 09/08/2011 21:14

AIBU.My DD 11 was really looking forward to having lunch out at a smaert restaurant with my best friend and her baby as a treat today.Unfortunately I suffer very badly with joint pain which flared up leaving me in lots of pain,i was unable to take her.So as not to let my friend down ,I invited her over to my house and despite being in agony cooked us all a nice lunch.
When my friend arrived I could tell she was pissed off with me for cancelling lunch My DD was humming a tune she has heard.My 'friend' told her to shut up because her baby couldn't concentrate ! Mt DD said she couldn't get it out of her head and my friend orderered my DD to go to her room or outside!"
She then told DD that she was encouraging her baby to be naughty because she was giggling at him.Eventually she stomped out of the house saying she'd had enough of my DD!
I am still in a lot of pain and reeling at my ungrateful, bad mannered, bad tempered friend's rudeness and my DD who is very hormonal at the moment and anxious about starting secondary school is very upset.
AIBU to never set eyes on this b_tch again?

TheBride · 09/08/2011 21:14

It's like, I'd prefer people to take their shoes off in the house, but if someone came over and didnt offer, I'm not going to wrest the shoes from their feet. It's about being a good host.

spiderpig8 · 09/08/2011 21:15

Alowvera- x posted.Great minds and all that!

DoMeDon · 09/08/2011 21:18

People with the 'come back' AIBU seem to miss the part where OP tried to cuddle baby to sleep during more humming/singing - it went too far. freind should've realised that. Maybe the joint pain made her oblivious to it all.

TheBride · 09/08/2011 21:18

yes but I could rewrite every OP on MN on that basis and have you sympathising with wife beaters, but as I said earlier, if you want to comment on an OP's post, you kind of have to accept their version of events.

Look- life's short. Most of us have too many friends and not enough time, so it makes sense to focus on the ones we actually enjoy spending time with. You're a long time dead.

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 21:20

But the OPs friend tells her children off. OP says "we have a relationships a bit like sisters, and we'd both tell each others kids off without a second thought" so maybe this girls mum thought OP was dealing with it or would have told her how annoying it actually was.

Perhaps they have different POV on parenting.

Both OP and her friend were not on best form at lunch. And this most likely affected both their attitudes towards this child. Who is still a child, not an adult.

usualsuspect · 09/08/2011 21:23

A real friend wouldn't care if their friends child was annoying

god knows ,my best friends lads drove me up the wall when they were younger, but you know what , we are still friends 20 years later and her boys are now lovely grown ups

mouthwash7 · 09/08/2011 21:28

What I'm finding confusing is who does their hair and make up to go to a kids lunch? Round here that means McDonalds, the local Cafe or maybe the department store restaurant. Do people really do lunches that involve dressing up with dcs in tow at lunchtime? If so, I'm missing out.

TheBride · 09/08/2011 21:28

A real friend wouldn't care if their friends child was annoying

Of course they would care. No-one likes to be annoyed. The question is whether they would be prepared to overlook it. I think most people would just trry to adjust the friendship so that they saw friend sans kids.However, if kids are so bad that actually, you can never have a conversation, then effectively the friendship is dead, because what is friendship without conversation?

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 21:30

Okay thebride accepting OP versn of events my initial Reaction was
YABU
You clearly went there in a bad mood and 11yo got the brunt of it.

(you'll find it on page 3)

Her friend was suffering joint pain, OP could have been a reasonable friend and rearranged the lunch date.

WinkyWinkola · 09/08/2011 21:31

No. A real friend would remove herself from a situation where there was a maddening child so that she could then look forward to spending sOme enjoyable quality time with her chum at a later date.

Being friends doesn't mean you have to martyr yourself if their kids are being irritating. I'd've chipped off too.

usualsuspect · 09/08/2011 21:33

and I would have made sure you never came back

TheBride · 09/08/2011 21:36

Alow- I agree with you that neither of them was probably in the best mood/frame of mind, and that's why I think it was reasonable of the Op to leave because it wasnt going to get any better/more fun, so what was the point? They were both just going to have an unfun afternoon.

The only thing I think she was U about was telling the friend why she was leaving. I would have just said "got to get to john lewis before it gets looted' or something.

halcyondays · 09/08/2011 21:38

A real friend would want their friend to feel relaxed and comfortable as a visitor to their home and would tell off their child for misbehaving. I would probably have made an excuse and left, but I would have looked a bit pissed off. I have to put up with my own children's misbehaviour at times, I would not want to have to spend an afternoon with someone else's child being annoying and rude to me. I would be annoyed that her mum didn't say anything to her.

LadyBeagleEyes · 09/08/2011 21:40

Well thats what I sort of thought, mouthwash .
I do tend to pick at the small points on people's threads.

HipHopOpotomus · 09/08/2011 21:40

My 3 yo does it. After a while she is asked to go to her room/outside/elsewhere to continue. She's going through quite an attention seeking stage too, but she gets it and does what is asked.

YANBU but it's a pity you didn't at least stay to your friend is she doesn't shut up/go outside you wld have to leave

TheGrimSweeper · 09/08/2011 21:41

Op ywnbu. That's why this country is going to the dogs. Children no longer know their place and have no respect for elders.

MightyQuim · 09/08/2011 21:42

I think YABabit unreasonable. By the sound of it you were in a huff before you arrived because your friend had the cheek to be unwell and you had put make-up on. It doesn't sound like your friend usually shys away from tellings off so reading between the lines I don't think it was as bad as you are making out. Surely she'd have been annoying the hell out of her mum (who was also in pain) too if it was that constant.
And your baby was having an off day. Why didn't you feed her/settle her in another room if she needs silence for those things? Sounds like you were in a mood cos your baby was playing up, stormed off and wanted someone other than yourself to pin the blame on tbh.

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