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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have walked out on best friends' rude child? (long).

214 replies

SaffronCake · 09/08/2011 17:23

I arranged to go for lunch with my best friend, but she sent me a text as I was leaving to say she didn't want to go out (joint pain- it's a recurring problem for her) so we'd be having lunch at hers. She could have told me earlier and I wouldn't have spent an extra half hour getting ready I thought, but nevermind, make-up's on now and hair's up, too late.

Once at hers, her 11 year old daughter would not shut up, singing the same 4 lines of the most annoying single in the charts over, and over and over. We've got a relationship a bit like sisters and we'd both tell each others kids off without second thought. I asked the girl to stop it, she said she couldn't, so I said if that was the case then go to her bedroom or out to play because it's annoying and very rude and she's making it hard for Mummy and I to talk to each other. It made no difference beyond a quiet 2 or 3 minutes here and there.

After an hour of this my baby can't concentrate on anything, including her lunch, and the annoying 11 y/o is now laughing every time my baby spits her food. So I tell her not to because it encourages bad behaviour. That again works for 2-3 minutes and either another bloody 4 lines of "Swagger Jagger" or laughing at the baby starts up again. It wasn't even a real laugh, it was clearly put on.

After giving up on lunch and trying to cuddle baby in for her nap for another 10 minutes while the girl kept on singing/humming the same 4 lines (just 4 lines) of that infernal annoyance, so that baby couldn't even sleep, I packed up said we were leaving. My friend (who was quite shocked as I would be expected to hang about until early evening, it being quite a drive) asked if I was Ok, I said, "no I've had enough of it, but it's her house, so we better be off".

Cue shock and awe all round, one very guilty 11 year old and a rapid departure.

I don't think I'm out of order, because I don't think I could really have done anything else. If my friend isn't going to insist on basic respect in her house I've no right to wade in and set the punishments, but that said I don't like the scene-making-ness of it all and now I feel sorry any of it happened at all.

Was IBU? Please be nice.

OP posts:
alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 18:52

YWBU.
You went there, clearly already in a bad mood, and this child got the brunt of it.
This 11yo child sang an annoying song, gee my dd does that all day from 7 til 7.
She laughed when the baby spat out food, really not the end of the world.
Your baby can't concentrate on anything, um, she's a baby, she certainly wouldn't have been able to concentrate if you had gone out for a meal.

I think you should phone your friend and apologise to her for flouncing off being horrible to her child BU

SoupDragon · 09/08/2011 18:54

when I heard it for the first (and thankfully only) time, I was unsurprised to discovered it was Cher talentless waste of space Lloyd.

spookshowangel · 09/08/2011 18:54

all together now.......

joric · 09/08/2011 18:54

Feel sorry for your friend- with joint pain and brat playing her up. I bet this behaviour was an extension from earlier on.
Phone friend and apologise, not for being annoyed or walking out but for letting her DD get to you.

pictish · 09/08/2011 18:54

My son would totally laugh at a baby spitting out its food!

You went in a fankle and took it out on an 11 year old for nothing!

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2011 18:59

11 year olds are perfectly capable of understanding that their behaviour is annoying and that actions have consequences. This particular 11 year old now understands that OP means what she says when she asks her to stop being annoying.

YANBU OP, and your friend's DD might benefit from this in the long run.

joric · 09/08/2011 19:01

Tsssk, link doesn't work, don't worry, you'll find it!

exoticfruits · 09/08/2011 19:02

I think that it was a bit of an overreaction-always best to use humour-once you get into a downward spiral with DCs it goes from bad to worse.

diddl · 09/08/2011 19:02

The 11yr old should have behaved better.

But I think it´s not nice that the OP said she was leaving because of her-rather than because her friend wouldn´t tell her to shut up/go somewhere else.

thisisyesterday · 09/08/2011 19:04

really, so you all think that when an ELEVEN year old is repeatedly annoying everyone, preventing anyone having a conversation, keeping a baby awake, laughing at bad behaviour... that it's not ok to tell her off, ask her to go elsewhere or eventually just remove yourself?

no wonder the country is in the state it is now.

"the child got the brunt of it"..? yes, as she should! at eleven she is more than old enough to know that being anti-social and irritating is unacceptable and if she is asked to stop she should.

or should we all pander to our kids and never teach them the social skills they are lacking in case we upset them????

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 19:06

where you left it this 11yo has now learn that if she annoys OP enough OP goes home. And 11yo can get mum all to herself. What has been learnt exactly by OP walking out except how to push OPs buttons?

pictish · 09/08/2011 19:07

Thisisyesterday she didn't hit the baby with a stick!!

"no wonder the country is in the state it is now"

lol!

diddl · 09/08/2011 19:11

I would have been annoyed with the child, but more annoyed with the mum.

halcyondays · 09/08/2011 19:11

So did her mum not tell her to stop it? If she was still up to having you for lunch, even if was at her house, instead of going out, surely she was capable of telling her dd to stop being so annoying in front of a guest. I would never have got away with doing that if we had visitors when I was 11 and my parents weren't overly strict, but they expected me to have some manners and not be downright cheeky.

ShellingPeas · 09/08/2011 19:12

My own 12 year old and 9 year old are annoying enough. If they're being a pain I tell them to be quiet or disappear. At 11 a child should know better and if having been asked not to do something which is annoying an adult they should stop. If I was the friend and my DD kept on doing something that clearly was upsetting a friend and had been asked to stop doing it, I'd be having stern words with her. YWNBU.

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants · 09/08/2011 19:12

The child got the brunt of OPs bad mood. That is just U.

Child being annoying needs to be told off, I agree, but if OP hadn't been in a foul mood to start with 11yo would not have come across to her so annoying, and she may have been able to deal with it better,
For example get her involved with playing with baby, reward her when she's quiet, praise her for good behaviour.

If 11yo was 5 years younger this is what you would all be suggesting as the best way to deal with this poor behaviour. Not continuously telling her to shut up and then walk out.

CardyMow · 09/08/2011 19:13

Erm - I wouldn't put up with that sort of thing from my own 7 year old (and he can be guilty of it at times), I certainly wouldn't expect such blatant rude and attention seeking behaviour from an ELEVEN year old. Who must be going to Secondary School in September. I can hardly see secondary school teachers entertaining that sort of behaviour so better that the child learns now, rather than through umptten detentions for disruptive behaviour. By 11, if she was miffed that her mum's joint pain was the reason she couldn't go out for lunch, then TBH I would class her as an ungrateful BRAT. My 7yo is SN and STILL understands that plans may not be held to, at short notice, if I have had a seizure the night before. I mean FFS this is an eleven year old, not a bloomin 3yo. Which is about the oldest I would accept that kind of behaviour from. Any older and they would have been TOLD to leave the room.

thisisyesterday · 09/08/2011 19:14

hit the baby with a stick? sorry, i don't get it.

it's true. kids are brought up these days with a massive sense of entitlement. to do what they want when they want.
wanna irritate everyone around you? that's fine
wanna deliberately do what someone has asked you not to? yeah go ahead

it starts off like this and ends up.... where? with teens and adults who have no social skills, who expect everyone to accept how they behave and want everything handed to them on a plate.

a child of 11 is plenty old enough to know that she is being a pain and to be able to go and entertain herself for a bit. she CHOSE to stick around annoying everyone.
if her mum was not willing to discipline her then the OP had no choice but to leave.
and why would she not say it was because of the child? it was, and she ought to know that her actions have repercussions

CardyMow · 09/08/2011 19:15

As I tell my dc, manners cost nothing, but mean the world.

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/08/2011 19:16

alowVeraWithPurpleTwuntyPants, that would depend on her mum's reaction. If her mum was unaffected, maybe that is what she learned. But if, as is more likely, her mum was upset (and in the OP she seems to have been taken aback), then she may have learned that annoying her mum's friends hurts her mum.

Eleven is plenty old enough to behave properly.

thisisyesterday · 09/08/2011 19:16

"If 11yo was 5 years younger this is what you would all be suggesting as the best way to deal with this poor behaviour. Not continuously telling her to shut up and then walk out"

but she isn't 5 years younger. and the op didn't continuously tell her to shut up either, did she

EssentialFattyAcid · 09/08/2011 19:17

YWBU
Clearly this behaviour was extremely annoying and more annoying still that the mother did not take control.

However, you are an adult and you could have directly told the mother how you felt about the singing and asked her why she was allowing her dd to continue when it was clearly getting on your nerves a lot. Flouncing off is not an adult way to deal with the situation, but in all fairness it was a tricky situation to deal with.

You do have my sympathy for what must have been a total pain of a visit. Falling out with a friend over their child's poor behaviour is frankly a nightmare and imo is likely to put some distance into the relationship.

I think it highly unlikely that the 11 year old will be upset that you left and they may indeed be pleased about it so I doubt that any "lesson" will be learned by the child. I think this is unusual behaviour for an 11 year old though so I wonder what it was that made her behave this way? Was too much attention being focussed on the baby?

Perhaps you could phone your friend, apologise for huffing off and say that you don't understand why her child behaved like this and that it felt to you that she didn't deal with the behaviour. Presumably the 11 year old isn't always like this?

LolaRennt · 09/08/2011 19:18

It just seems odd to me that the OP has a relationship with the friend where they tell off each others kids but the OP's friend wouldn't tell off her own kid. That makes me wonder if maybe the 11 year old wasnt being that bad and OP over reacted.

spiderpig8 · 09/08/2011 19:18

I think YWBVVU
Why do you think she and was being deliberately annoying, rather than a little girl with a song stuck in her head?
You stomped out after her mum invited you over, made you lunch, because the child had the timerity to sing in her own house?
Her own mother in her own house won't tell her to shut up and you, as a guest , think it's your place to do so?I think you are the one who has to learn some social skills.

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