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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being given a 2-hr time slot by friend

145 replies

slugger · 01/08/2011 09:39

Maybe I'm being a bit over-sensitive about this one. Made an arrangement 2 weeks ago with a friend to meet up today with our children and go to a playground we'd both have to drive to. We didn't set a time but I assumed we'd go in the morning, and perhaps have lunch together.

Friend texted me yesterday to say she has to be somewhere for lunch so could only meet btw 9:30-11:30am. I felt a bit miffed - there was no flexibility to arrange a time that suited us both, she was dictating the time and if I couldn't make it for 9:30am (I couldn't) then we couldn't meet (so we're not). I felt it was a little dismissive to give your friend a 2hr slot, as if not worthy of more time. Wouldn't have minded if it was last minute arrangement and she was indeed slotting me in, but it wasn't and she didn't say she had other plans for that day when we arranged.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
Parietal · 01/08/2011 09:44

I wouldn't consider this rude (I organise my whole life in 2 hr slots) but not v polite either. But not bad enough to hurt a friendship.

Did she ask about an alternative day when you both have more time? If not, why don't you suggest one?

EightiesChick · 01/08/2011 09:46

I would be a bit miffed but to be fair, she let you know before the day itself and you hadn't made time-specific plans or mentioned the lunch. I would let it go this time but be on the watch for it turning into a pattern.

crystalglasses · 01/08/2011 09:47

I think you are being a bit over sensitive. I have several friends who do this to me and I just laugh about it now although I always used to feel offended. some people have a need to organise their lives with military precision and others go with the flow. I'm a 'go with the flow-er' and so are you, probably. Next time you make an arrangement with this friend just makes sure that you both know your time schedule and commitments.

hellospoon · 01/08/2011 09:48

Yanbu.

Iv recently had the same thing, I usually have said friend over with her kids for hours at a time then she asked us to go to them and said we could go at 9.45 but leave at 11.30 very odd I find it.

hellospoon · 01/08/2011 09:48

Yanbu.

Iv recently had the same thing, I usually have said friend over with her kids for hours at a time then she asked us to go to them and said we could go at 9.45 but leave at 11.30 very odd I find it.

thestringcheeseincident · 01/08/2011 09:49

I wouldn't mind at all.
My friends often say this, love to catch up, need to be here at 1 though etc etc. They still want to see you!

mrswoodentop · 01/08/2011 09:55

Can understand how you feel but to be honest I think 2 hour slots for activities are quite normal,She may have an important appointment for lunch time,would you rather she had canceled completely?
Has she more than one child,I am afraid that as people have more children and the children start to have more commitments it gets increasingly difficult to fit everything together ,interestingly whilst I may have thought this a bit off when ds1 was small I wouldn't bat an eyelid now.

DingDongMerrilyOutOfSeason · 01/08/2011 09:58

YABU to think it is rude. There is no way she could have known that you wanted to spend the day together, for all she knew you could have had other plans that day and only intended to be at the playground for a couple of hours, so why should she free up her day on the offchance that you might want to go for lunch? If it is somewhere she has to drive to, it might make sense for her to do a few other things while she is out and about anyway rather than having to use the car/petrol for a seperate journey. Lack of communication, that is all. Next time be specific, even if it is just to say 'Let's spend the day together and see where the wind takes us'. Assuming she knows that you wanted to go for lunch was unreasonable when you had not indicated as much. Not worth losing a friendship over.

Twinkiesmum · 01/08/2011 10:13

Sorry, I don't think it's "normal" at all. It sounds like competitive busyness to me, nobody's life is that full to bursting that they can only operate in pre-defined segments of time. She should have just organised another day, very rude.

changeforthebetter · 01/08/2011 10:20

Sounds a bit off to me. Maybe she is a bit crap at communication? The fact that you feel "you are not worthy" is interesting. Is this the first time in this friendship that you have felt like this. I only ask because it's something I recognise in certain friendships too. Some people are so busy being popular and busy they forget about what really matters. Smile

Kewcumber · 01/08/2011 10:24

It does sounds a bit regimented but I don;t see that you having something that you can't change at 9.30 - 11.30 is signifcantly less offensive to your plan to go to a playground than her plans for lunch.

You were obviously ascribing a different significance to the day - why assume you were meeting for lunch if it hadn't been mentioned?

To be fair I would find it irritating but no more than that.

beanlet · 01/08/2011 10:25

Completely normal for very busy people - I've been known to organise series of back to back hourly meet ups. But then I am a WOHM, which probably makes a difference. I can't imagine organising a trip to the park and assuming the whole day was fair game, and certainly not that only meeting for 2 hours was somehow Insulting. Perhaps it would have been better to have settled the time in the first place, but I don't think your friend is being at all U.

scarletfingernail · 01/08/2011 10:26

One of my friend's did the exact same thing to me once. Arranged to meet me with our DCs at the park and once we there said she's only got an hour as she was meeting someone for lunch. I'd already paid for up to 3 hours parking by this point. I was miffed too.

On the other hand I have another friend who when invited round to mine never seems to want to leave, so I now usually tell her beforehand I need to go out at a certain time otherwise she'd still be sitting here 5 hours later.

I don't think YABU to feel miffed, but I also don't think it's rude of your friend. We all just organise our lives differently.

ggirl · 01/08/2011 10:29

I have a friend who organises her life with military precision, I get booked in on fri mornings Smile..love taking the piss out of her and rescheduling. we laugh about it.
I sometimes call her spontaneously and ask her for coffee ,sends her into a spin lol.

pictish · 01/08/2011 10:29

Yes...this happens and is common. I'm used to my pal P for example, rushing in all flustered and telling me 'Right, I have to be out of here by such and such a time, because I've got xxxx to do and blah blah'

P's always chasing her tail and tends to organise two/three hour time slots as well. She's just a busy bee with a lot on her plate. It doesn't bother me. :D

Sidge · 01/08/2011 10:30

It wouldn't be a big deal to me but then my friends and I do this sometimes.

I work part time, have various appointments and try to fit a lot into our days as do many of my friends. In the holidays when trying to fit everyone in I often have to arrange get-togethers for time slots if I know I have to be somewhere else at a certain time.

mrswoodentop · 01/08/2011 10:30

It mayn't be that she is crap St organising ,she may have a medical appointment or be helping elderly relatives at short notice for all you know.
My life is pretty busy and I do have to be quite organised I simply do not always have the time to spend long days whiling away the time.I have three children in two different schools I.e.different friendship groups ,apart time job,a husband that works away etc a dog and PIL who sometimes need help..

This would be a completely normal scenario in my world,my usual response would be to say I'm free for longer if your dd would like to stay longer I can bring them both home

LineRunner · 01/08/2011 10:33

I think that all the texting doesn't help establish and maintain the sort of friendships where you're comfortable enough to make and alter arrangements without pissing each other off.

mrswoodentop · 01/08/2011 10:33

Sorry ,on phone should be may not be crap at organising

Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 10:35

Thanks for comments

Tbh, I could have made 9:30am but it is a bit early for us at the moment - we are on holiday time, my eldest loves not having to rush and my baby is not sleeping at the mo, so it's difficult to get up and at 'em earlier. I was thinking more 10amish. And this got my back up.

No, I wasn't ascribing a different significance to the day, I thought we might go for lunch. I didn't expect us to spend the day together - this friend does have 'form' for only wanting shortish get togethers

I am miffed because I wouldn't do this

It's not the shortness of time. It's the bossyness of 'I can only meet at this time'.

She said at the time that day was fully clear for her; this was 2 weeks ago. If it was me, and then a lunch thing came up with a second friend (or, as is more likely, an elderly relative wanting to babysit for her), I would check with the first friend about what time she could meet before making a second plan. I wouldn't go ahead and make plans that tied me up for the rest of the day then go back to the first friend and say I can only fit you in this two-hour slot first thing. I think that's rude - it doesn't allow room for compromise and it's basically prioritising the second appt before the first.

When I said no can do she did say she could meet next Mon, but I do have plans for that day.

OP posts:
carriedababi · 01/08/2011 10:38

well your both a bitin the wrong, sounds liek a reakdown in communication really, as you assumed you'd have lunch together, she didnt know what you was thinking

next time be clear about what your doing.

Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 10:40

Wish I'd never mentioned the lunch thing!

It's not about lunch! I thought that might happen spontaneously, i would have suggested it when arranging, but wasn't a big deal.

This is really about her making an arrangement after we'd made hours and effectively prioritising that one when she didn't know what time her and I would meet

It just isn't how I would do things, I don't think it's courteous, I would always give first arrangement first dibs or I would phone and explain situation

OP posts:
pictish · 01/08/2011 10:41

So would I OP, so I do understand.

Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 10:43

Thank you Grin

OP posts:
LIZS · 01/08/2011 10:43

sorry don't see the issue . You'd assumed it would be in the morning, maybe lunch, and she has just defined the time Confused Maybe something came up since you last spoke? If it then doesn't suit just rearrange .