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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Being given a 2-hr time slot by friend

145 replies

slugger · 01/08/2011 09:39

Maybe I'm being a bit over-sensitive about this one. Made an arrangement 2 weeks ago with a friend to meet up today with our children and go to a playground we'd both have to drive to. We didn't set a time but I assumed we'd go in the morning, and perhaps have lunch together.

Friend texted me yesterday to say she has to be somewhere for lunch so could only meet btw 9:30-11:30am. I felt a bit miffed - there was no flexibility to arrange a time that suited us both, she was dictating the time and if I couldn't make it for 9:30am (I couldn't) then we couldn't meet (so we're not). I felt it was a little dismissive to give your friend a 2hr slot, as if not worthy of more time. Wouldn't have minded if it was last minute arrangement and she was indeed slotting me in, but it wasn't and she didn't say she had other plans for that day when we arranged.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadow · 01/08/2011 16:28

Slugger, I see I massively x posted with you in my previous post. Really, my entire post was made rendundant by the post you made before mine.

I was in the middle of writing, when I was called away for something. I was not deliberately obtuse, but that is how I had read your posts.

To give your friend the benefit of the doubt, it could be that her appointment at lunch, was not lunch, but something else she had to attend, which had come up last minute. Perhaps it was perhaps just easier to text that she had something else on for lunch rather than explain.

I still would have "accepted" 1.5 hours if it was a close and good friend.

everlong · 01/08/2011 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurrySpice · 01/08/2011 16:45

Well, IMHO yo've both done the same thng, to differing degrees, I think you're getting upset about nothing and YABU

Original poster

slugger · 01/08/2011 16:51

MDeathstare - she isn't a close and good friend, I think that is it, I would have gone if it was a good friend. It is just someone who is a casual friend. She is a nice person, and I'm not falling out with her over this, just won't be rushing to arrange to meet up with her again.

OP posts:

TrickyBiscuits · 01/08/2011 16:53

I can see why this would be a bit annoying. I don't think that it sounds at all like you were expecting her to keep the whole day free for you, and you agreed that you would arange the time closer to the day. In the event, she just gave you an unnegotiable time slot, because she had since made additional plans- it's pretty poor manners if nothing else.

BUT, like other posters have said, it really comes down to very poor communication, apart from making sure that future arrangements are more firm with this friend, I wouldn't waste any more energy being miffed- it's not a big enough deal IMO.

Original poster

slugger · 01/08/2011 16:55

Thank you tricky, agreed

OP posts:

Sleepyspaniel · 01/08/2011 18:28

YANBU! I totally get what you are saying!

Your friend is has got a better offer basically and has bumped your down in her priorities, making you take a crap slot instead of the prime slot. Without an apology or recognition that 9.30-11.30 IS a crap slot (which it is). When you and she had booked the date in weeks ago. It's rude! And it whiffs of competitve busy-ness to me.

Also it implies you are "keener" on her than she is on you which is an uncomfortable place for a friendship to be in. It devalues a close friendship to one of friend/acquaintance.

naughtymummy · 01/08/2011 19:29

I prorably do organise my day in this way. I am interested that spaniel thinks the 9-11 slot is the crap slot, I quite like it. Not everyone is a morning person . I think the whole thing is a bit odd tbh. Why make an arrangement so far in advance without specifying any time at all even morning or afternoon ? If you were my friend I wouldn't even be sure it was still on and certainly wouldn't turn down a lunch date on the off chance. If I really want to meet some one I would at least mention lunch/coffee/tea when arranging it.

MightyQuim · 01/08/2011 19:46

YABU. If you had made firm plans then that should take priority but you can't expect her to keep the whole day free. Next time make firmer arrangements.

beanlet · 01/08/2011 19:48

Bit of miscommunication, and you making Mt Everest out of an ant hole. And then refusing to accept it when most people think your friend hasn't been U. I think it's all a bit pathetic really.

Sleepyspaniel · 01/08/2011 19:59

See naughtymummy, I do think 9-11 is a crap slot in this instance!

I think the OP felt that good friends didn't need to talk about the whats wheres and whyfores in advance, it was enough that they had "promised" the day to each other with arrangements to follow and OP was obviously looking forward to a leisurely time with her mate.

Then, almost behind her back, she has been relegated to a specific and fairly short (for a good friend) slot. If the friendship was what the OP thought it was then the friend should have wanted to prefer to spend the lion's share of the day with OP unless it was unavoidable in which case, had she said "Sorry OP, I have a doc's appointment (or whatever), can we just do morning?" I doubt OP would have been posting here.

I would feel relegated and uncomfortable. If my sister or Mum had made an arrangement to get together with me on a certain day I would protect that day from other arrangements, not ring Mum and offer her 9.30 - 11-30am!!!

EssentialFattyAcid · 01/08/2011 20:00

Sounds to me as though you feel you are putting more into this relationship than it is worth to you and for your friend to seemingly dictate terms like this is only one symptom.

I recommend that you dump this particular friendship and concentrate on others

blewit · 01/08/2011 20:32

YANBU this is a crap thing to do.

Dozer · 01/08/2011 20:40

Yabu for reasons others have said. People just do things differently.

In one post you mention that you suspect that she has an offer of babysitting from the grandparents for the afternoon, hence wanting to be back home early. God, if I ever had such an offer I would totally dump ANYONE I'd arranged to meet at the playground and grab it! Would even give Brad Pitt a 2-hour slot (plenty of time to have some fun )

Dozer · 01/08/2011 20:41

OP, she's just not that into you.

NSEWTravel · 01/08/2011 20:46

Ok effectively your friend was saying she had to leave park at 11.30.

She gave you 2 hours, probably realising that you are on holiday mode, and was thinking 9.30 is later than school mode (which in our house is leaving at 7am so much later, but let's presume your leaving is normally 8.30).

You didn't want to meet at 9.30 as specified by her, via text so hardly lots of flowery text with it. You wanted to meet later, so rather than responding, lets make it 10 appreciate you'll have to leave at 11.30, you got arsey and now not seeing her at all.

naughtymummy · 01/08/2011 20:54

I see what you mean, I suppose it depends on how definate the plans originally were. I got the impression it was a vague arrangement.
It also depends on op's relationship with the friend and how far apart they live. Local casual friends often meet up for a couple of hours, inbetween other things. If someone is a close friend then I would expect to spend the day with them. I rather thought the op's friendship was the former type.

emsies · 01/08/2011 21:04

I rarely arrange for a whole day with someone unless its very close friends/family and organised quite a while in advance as it involves sorting picnics etc. Until recently little also had a nap so we rarely did whole day trips anyway.

I'm still amazed that some people think arranging to meet for a morning is unreasonable. I much prefer mornings to afternoons as my daughter is often tired in the afternoons and I'm more used to it - term time people with older children often have to be gone by 2.30 to go and sort a school run anyway so mornings are the norm.

Completely agree with NSEWtravel in how it seems to me.

Spero · 01/08/2011 22:01

I really don't get your ire.

Do you really not get how lucky you are to be able to say ' I could have given her any slot between 10 - 6' ??

Unless I miraculously marry or my mum moves 100 miles closer or I win the lottery and can have two live in nannies I will never have the luxury of a whole day free to spend as I choose without need to factor in the shopping and cleaning and organising that I just can't do during the week as I work full time?

I don't mean to imply you are some kind of hippy but that you just don't know how lucky you are and you need to take the stick from out of your bottom rather than harrumphing about this selfish cow who suggested a 9.30 am meet up! How very dare she.

redwineformethanks · 01/08/2011 22:07

I don't really see the problem. If you'd fixed a time when agreeing to meet up, then this wouldn't have happened. As it is, arranging to meet sometime on Monday left it rather vague and she made other plans for the day before you did

crystalglasses · 01/08/2011 22:13

Let's give the op a break!. Don't we all get annoyed sometimes when things don't go as we would wish.

ajaybaines · 01/08/2011 22:17

This thread has gone right over my head

Everyone I know with babies/toddlers tends to do things in the slot between being able to get out of the house (9ish) and before you need to travel back for lunch and nap (11.30ish), OR, the time between getting up from nap (2ish) and getting home before teatime (4/4.30ish).

UNLESS doing lunch or tea has been agreed I would assume any kind of meet up with small children would happen during either of those slots.

Furthermore, 2 hours is PLENTY to spend in the park. Absolutely plenty. And if yuou can't get up in the morning because the baby doesn't sleep (this was me from January to May btw) then you arrange to meet up in the morning.

ajaybaines · 01/08/2011 22:18

sorry, that was supposed to read then you DON'T arrange to meet up in the morning.

ajaybaines · 01/08/2011 22:24

Oh god, just read your later responses on this thread OP, forget I contributed anything at all, I don't want to get into some pointless argument with some chopsy OP over absolutely NOTHING at all.

YAB ridiculous to get so worked up and argumentative about this btw.

Original poster

slugger · 01/08/2011 22:48

ajay - thanks for your opinion. I was coming back at various posters because they were misunderstanding some of the facts. As you did. Our eldest kids are school age so meeting times are different and no, we hadn't arranged to meet in the morning. I never understand why posters answer on a thread and then go back and read the whole thread/OP's comments - seems most odd to me.

Anyway, I have admitted I was being petty. I have been tired and run down and was feeling ratty. Thinking about it some more though, she is incredibly routine driven - e.g her youngest's life is run on a Gina Ford schedule and she always used to leave our playgroups before snack and song time so that her DD can have a nap at X on the dot. I do admit to finding this irritating, because it is not how I lead my life or my children's, and I have a relative who is like this too and it's quite waring. It doesn't matter that everyone is enjoying themselves, everything has to come to a stop if the routine dictates. I don't see this friend that often, and this is the first time it's bothered me.

Spero - what are you on about? I'm lucky to have a whole day to do as I please? I don't! I have two children! I have a self-employed job and clothes to wash and meals to cook! I just meant that I could work those things around a time that suited both me and my friend. I have spotted you on MN before though and you do seem to have a single mother thing v women in couples thing going on, so perhaps that is why you say I'm lucky?

btw, the friend I was meeting tomorrow has cancelled on me. And you know what? I'm fine with that. It was just this friend. Guess I'm not so bothered about the friendship.

OP posts:

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