Being given a 2-hr time slot by friend

[slugger]

Maybe I'm being a bit over-sensitive about this one. Made an arrangement 2 weeks ago with a friend to meet up today with our children and go to a playground we'd both have to drive to. We didn't set a time but I assumed we'd go in the morning, and perhaps have lunch together.

Friend texted me yesterday to say she has to be somewhere for lunch so could only meet btw 9:30-11:30am. I felt a bit miffed - there was no flexibility to arrange a time that suited us both, she was dictating the time and if I couldn't make it for 9:30am (I couldn't) then we couldn't meet (so we're not). I felt it was a little dismissive to give your friend a 2hr slot, as if not worthy of more time. Wouldn't have minded if it was last minute arrangement and she was indeed slotting me in, but it wasn't and she didn't say she had other plans for that day when we arranged.

AIBU to think this is rude?

I'm still not entirely sure I get the problem. You arranged to meet on monday morning (you'd perhaps hoped to stay for lunch but not sure and later said you weren't fussed about that) at a playground. Morning finishes by 12 presumably so are you really quibbling about half an hour? .30 -11.30 IS meeting up for the morning? I'm not sure I'd want to spend 2 hours at a playground myself, I usually go for about an hour unless its in a bigger park and there are other things to explore.

9.30 is a reasonable time to meet I'd have thought, but if you fancied meeting at 10 why not text back and say something like you'd rather do 10-11.30 and then you're both happy. Isn't this how arrangements are made?

I really don't get this? I must be "guilty" of making arrangements like this all the time, but you do need to make an arrangement at somepoint and if a time hasn't been arranged in advance then it seems reasonable to me.

Perhaps someone could explain why she should be defriended to me so that I can also stop making this faux pas too....

I don't really understand the big issue here. When I was on maternity leave I, and everyone else I spent time with, seemed to arrange our time in "slots" because there were all sorts of things going. People often said "I can meet up in the morning but I have to be gone by x time as I am going to a class in the afternoon" or whatever.

It never occurred to me to be offended, or to refuse to go because I hadn't been factored in for a lengthy meet-up. People with children often have an arrangement every day and fit in other ad hoc activities around them.

I completely understand your issue with this OP.
I had a friend who does this. So busy with everyone & everything that she never has time for meeting anyone properly without rushing off to the next thing. I'm very different and tend to meet up with one person in a day as I like to spend time with them, not just use them as an activity to fill my day.

I just stopped meeting her in the end. Gives her time to slot someone else in.

I can understand why you might be miffed OP but surely you've done the same - told her what times you can and can't make because t's not convenient...

I had a lot of sympathy with you to start with, but having read your subsequent posts I can't really see what your problem is.

You said "If she'd called me up and said, I've been asked to lunch, would meeting at 9:30am be OK for you? Then I'd have said, no that's fine". Well, what is your problem, then? Just with the way she phrased it? Sometimes people come across as a bit blunt by text when they don't really mean to. She probably just wanted to be clear about what time she would have to leave.

You also said that you couldn't make it for 9:30 but then admitted later in the thread that you could probably have done, IIRC. Why didn't you just meet her at 9:30? Why didn't you meet her at 10 and just spend a bit less time with her rather than being petty and refusing to meet at all?

When someone asked her to meet for lunch, she probably just thought "Oh, that will be fine, I can meet up with slugger at some other point during the day". You had not set a time, not even "morning", so surely you didn't expect her to check all her social arrangements for the day with you beforehand just in case they didn't fit in?

I think there has just been a huge lack of communication on both sides tbh.

It boils down to this.
2 weeks ago you agreed to meet at the playground, but dont agree to a time, nor the specifics. Her day was at the time free.

Meanwhile.
You assume that you will meet, spend the day together, you will spontaneously have lunch.
She thinks a trip to the playground can be anytime, and arranges something else for lunch. She suggests a time, as non had already been suggested.
You are miffed because 1. She suggests 9.30 (but you would want to meet at 10) and she tells you she has to depart by 11.30. (but you would prefer to have lunch)

So, this all boils down to the wishy washy organization in the first place. You did not let her know you were keen on more time than 2 hours, that 9.30 is too early, and that lunch would be on the horizon, possible.

1 1/2 / 2 hours is plenty of time in the playground.

My question is, why did you not text her back and say "Fine, 9.30 is a bit early, see you 10 am at the playground" and then let her continue to the next appointment while you have a picnic lunch with your dc?

YANBU.

If she already knew about the lunchtime appointment she should have told you from the start.

If she didn't yet know about it she should have asked you before accepting it, rather than accepting it and then just telling you.

No QS, it doesn't boil down to this

If you had read all of my previous posts you would know - unless you are deliberately being obtuse - that I did NOT want to spend the day together, I was not keen on more than 2 hrs

I completely agree that 2 hrs is more than enough time in the playground
It's not spending just 2hrs together that is the problem, it's the fact she only gave me a window of 2hrs in which to meet her - after saying at the time she was free all day, with our time of meeting to be decided later - and if I couldn't make it, then tough. There was no flexibility on her side when there was when we made the plan.

I agree that the organisation was wishy washy in the first place. However, that was a mutual responsibility, not just mine

I have already said above that I was a bit miffed and decided not to meet partly out of annoyance - I put my hands up to that and I agree that I was being unreasonable in that resect. So my question to you is, is your question to me about why I didn't I do X just to put the boot in?

I agree that there are some rather rude comments on this thread - particularly 'people like you' from Kew. I'm so sorry if I'm not ready to meet at 7am. I am out the door before 8:45am every day during school hours, and right now the thing that my child prefers to do is to wake up slowly and potter for a bit before leaving the house. She is naturally a long sleeper and won't wake before 8am. As for my other child, he is a baby who is teething and NOT SLEEPING. Perhaps you don't know what it's like to have a sleepless, teething baby Kew - it is tiring, and I'm welcoming the chance in these holidays to sleep in a bit longer than normal to make up for sleepless nights. So I'm so sorry for not being out the house on this occasion v early. But I don't judge you with sweeping statements because your routine is different.

As for being massively unfair to my children - nope. I didn't tell them about the arrangement, and my 6 year old would much rather stay in in the mornings and go out later in the day. I offered to take her out this morning but she wanted to stay at home and read and potter around. She says that 'her life is reading' - she is a fab reader for her age and is really enjoying being able to up spend hours during the day reading. That is her choice. So that is what we did this morning and then went out at midday. When my son wakes from his nap, we will go out again late afternoon to the park. In the meantime, I shall reflect on my unreasonableness

I think the world is simply divided into two kinds of people - those who like to fix things in advance like me, and those who dont, like you. Neither of those types are 'bad people' but it is difficult for the two to gel, particularly if one of them is going to get all sniffy about half an hour.

As you clearly can't tell her she has upset you, as I don't think she will agree she has done anything wrong, and as you would rather sulk than suggest a 10am meet up then I don't think this friendship has much to offer either of you and you are better off spending your emotional and real time with similar spontaneous and free spirited friends.

And btw, some of us have no choice but to organise our days strictly and in advance if we want to be sure our jobs are done, our children fed and our house not a filth pit. Kudos to those of you who are free spirits, but try to be a bit more open minded and cut those of us under pressure a bit more slack.

Ha ha ha ha ha at me being a free spirit. Really? I'm actually rather chuffed by that.

Your last para is a bit patronising, Spero. I can assure you that my children are fed at regular times, my house is NEVER a filth pit (in fact this is the one area my friends always comment on - my house is always quite tidy) and my job gets done. I have pressures and commitments too, you know. And for feck's sake, my friend here wasn't organising today in advance so she could go down the mines in the afternoon, she was going out to LUNCH

She won't know you find it to be a problem unless you tell her.

Um, I think Spero was just making the point that some people need to be more organised or things don't get done, whereas others seem to manage perfectly well by doing things more spontaneously.

I don't think you need to take that personally. Everyone is different.

Whether I would be miffed would depend on the friend. If it was one of the group I see loads of, who live very close by and arrangements tend to be of the fluid "wont be there until x because y still having a nap etc" then no I wouldnt give two hoots. But, as it seems to be, if its someone I see less of, and I have to make an effort to see and it was arranged some time ago I would feel a little more hurt and say YANBU to be abit put out.

YABabU - not everyone floats around with nothing to do all day.

But you coldn't make it for when she suggested because you didn't want to rush - which is fair enough - but I can't understabd why her suggesting times that suit her is any different from you telling her what times suit you

Because Curry, she was giving me two hours within the whole day to choose from, and not any two hours, two specified hours

I was/would of given her any time from 10am - 6pm to choose from

The hilarious thing for me reading this thread is the baffling assumption that I am this airy fairy, free spirited floater with nothing to do all day

When the reality is that my friend is in the Art and used to be on the stage

I am a (currently non-pracitsing) lawyer who is used to organise my working day in 6 minute billable slots

I am used to managing my time

I respect other people's time and don't make them fit in with me or else

But I was a bit unreasonable in cancelling the plan, yes

No Madame Deathstare, I didn't expect her to cancel the lunch

She made the arrangement with me FIRST. I've said this several times, do keep up. When we arranged to meet, she said she could make any time as she had the whole day free and we agreed to arrange nearer the time

I would have liked her to have checked with me what time we could meet before making arrangements that essentially boxed her and I meeting into only the first two hours of the morning.

So she's busy and you're not. You're not good friends so she's fitting you in because you keep wanting to meet up. She was free the whole day when you arranged it two weeks ago but since then other things have come up and she's arranged to do other things as well. What's wrong?

YABU. Very definitely.

sounds like you've already realised YWBU to cancel the whole plan over a quibble of half an hour and because you were affronted she didnt keep the whole day clear for you to pick the time. she could have handled it better 'i've got lunch plans so hope morning is ok? i'll be there 9.30'. hope you enjoyed your morning!

Hi - I think you are being a little petty about it rather than unreasonable...

she may have made the rough arrangement with you first - but perhaps the lunch is a family member - in our house family comes first, everyone else fits round.... unless something FIRM is in place.

It obviously wasn't important enough to be firmed up by either of you and something else came up for her. Stuff happens... I would not be upset by it - you make the arrangements next time... hey ho.

Agree was being petty, ByTheWay

Was not very upset, bit miffed. Am over it now