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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being given a 2-hr time slot by friend

145 replies

slugger · 01/08/2011 09:39

Maybe I'm being a bit over-sensitive about this one. Made an arrangement 2 weeks ago with a friend to meet up today with our children and go to a playground we'd both have to drive to. We didn't set a time but I assumed we'd go in the morning, and perhaps have lunch together.

Friend texted me yesterday to say she has to be somewhere for lunch so could only meet btw 9:30-11:30am. I felt a bit miffed - there was no flexibility to arrange a time that suited us both, she was dictating the time and if I couldn't make it for 9:30am (I couldn't) then we couldn't meet (so we're not). I felt it was a little dismissive to give your friend a 2hr slot, as if not worthy of more time. Wouldn't have minded if it was last minute arrangement and she was indeed slotting me in, but it wasn't and she didn't say she had other plans for that day when we arranged.

AIBU to think this is rude?

OP posts:
Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 10:46

She is only free to meet Mondays. I already have plans for next Monday and then after that I will be on holiday for few weeks and I think she is going away too. So not able to meet now during school hols

OP posts:
carriedababi · 01/08/2011 10:50

yes but you don't know what shes doing in the pm, it could be anything, perhaps something she does even want to do like drs or something

you are being a bit silly because you could be in the playground having a chat and a laugh and the children having fun, but instead your stuck at home upset about it

LIZS · 01/08/2011 10:50

In that case I think I'd have gone today. Is she a close friend ?

redskyatnight · 01/08/2011 10:50

Well I think with friends if I have a time I need to leave by I will normally tell them when they make the arrangement. Sounds like you were both guilty of saying "we'll meet on Monday" and neither of you defined what that meant, and actually your friend is only free in the morning.

I'm like your friend and only have a limited amount of time free over the summer - and a large number of things that I/DC want to fit in. So I am absolutely telling people that I can only meet them in certain time frames so I can get "more" in. Otherwise I'd be prioritising "equal" friends over others, which would probably be equally unpopular.

mumeeee · 01/08/2011 10:51

You are being a bit over sensitive. You didn't arrange a time so she didn't know you wanted a whole day with her. Why couldn't you meet at 9.30? I have a friend who dies this to me but I'm used to it now and I know that if I want to spend more than an hour with her I have to make firm arrangements before hand.

Kewcumber · 01/08/2011 10:51

"I am miffed because I wouldn't do this" well yes, I can see you are irritated becuse it isnt how you do things (not how I do them either) but you know this is the way she does things "this friend does have 'form' for only wanting shortish get togethers" - she isn't going to change because (in your head) you have decided this isn't the polite way to do it!

You eitehr need to tell her that you find it irritating that she has only allocated you a 2 hr slot when you were expceting more or you need to accept that she is like this and arragne which two hour slot when you make the arrangment.

You might think it reasonable to start the day at 10am but if you had a child like mine who is up at 6am every day then people like you drive me insane, leaving me hanging around for what feels like half the day before they get themelves organised.

But it doesn't drive me insane really because I accept that not everyone arranges their life in the same way.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/08/2011 10:51

I don't think it's something to get really huffy about, not with a good friend, but I do think she should have said when you made the arrangement if she was restricted to a particular timeslot. If someone asks me e.g. if I want to go for coffee with them on whatever day and I've got something else on, I'll always say 'Love to, but it'd have to be earlyish because I've got a lunch date at 1pm'. That's just common sense, isn't it?

pinkdelight · 01/08/2011 10:56

I think this is totally normal. People are busy.A whole morning (9.30-11.30) is a reasonable meet-up. I wouldn't see it as a reflection on how much she values your friendship, although she could have let you know sooner.

pinkdelight · 01/08/2011 10:59

Also, if she's only free on mondays, she probably has to fit a lot in. Fair enough no one wants to feel 'fitted in', but isn't that just how life is with little kids? Can barely fit in time with your DP never mind your nice friends!

bilblio · 01/08/2011 11:00

I think YABU, but maybe because I do this a lot, and my friends do it too so I don't think they'd think anything of it either. I work, they work, and the people I meet up with most all do shift work like me. I get either 1 or 2 days off a week, and rarely the same days. (Actually I get more at the moment but only because I'm starting mat leave and using up annual leave.)

My days off are split into mornings when DD is at nursery, or afternoons when I have her with me. I also have to fit in housework, shopping, Dr's visits, seeing family (who all live an hour away, in opposite directions) etc.

I often make tentative plans with friends which have to be cancelled or changed on the day (by either them or me.) But because we're all in a similar situation we always understand.
Over the years I've lost touch with several people who are either SAHM's or work part time on set days because they don't seem to get that I'm not being rude by only meeting up once in a blue moon, or not being able to arrange things, it's just I'm busy!

Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 11:02

I DIDN'T WANT TO SPEND THE WHOLE DAY WITH HER!

I am only arranging one thing per day for school hols, and then going with the flow for the rest of the day rather than trying to be too regimented, so I'd kept the whole day free but didn't expect meeting her to take up the whole day, far from it

Am quite happy about just having two hours

it's the prescriptiveness of it all

And tbh, part of the not meeting at 9:30am was me being stroppy and not wanting a time ordered to me

If she'd called me up and said, I've been asked to lunch, would meeting at 9:30am be OK for you? Then I'd have said, no that's fine.

I do agree though that we should have organised a time at the time we arranged to meet so we were both clear

She isn't a good friend, and I guess part of this is that it's always me who is instigating meeting up (as happened this time)

Anyway, I shall stop sulking Wink

OP posts:
GreenTeapot · 01/08/2011 11:03

Threads like this make me fearful for the terrible social indiscretions I must commit on a daily basis. I'd do what your friend did without a moment's thought. You'd made a loose arrangement together, you hadn't been in touch with her to specify what suited you so she presumed, quite fairly, that you'd be free all day, and so has planned something else too. Shoot her Hmm

Some people genuinely don't have the time for airy fairy leisurely while-away-the-hours meetings. It sucks but it's life. The thing with friendships is that you have to understand that other people lead different lives to you.

sobloodystupid · 01/08/2011 11:04

I once considered similar slots with an ex friend, I was trying to "train" her to be considerate. She was once late by 8 hours (no phone call), I rang her! and another time by 4 hours. If/When she came she settled in for the whole day until 11 pm at least, regardless of the fact that both dh and I work full time with 3 little ones under 5. Readers, I binned her Grin, after we agreed to meet at a playcentre at 11.30 and she rang me at 11.31 -(I had a newborn 2 weeks old)- to see where I was!

pinkdelight · 01/08/2011 11:04

"And tbh, part of the not meeting at 9:30am was me being stroppy and not wanting a time ordered to me"

Well then you know YABU. But it doesn't sound like a big deal really. If she's not a good friend, don't bother instigating. Let it slide...

cjbartlett · 01/08/2011 11:05

if she isn't a good friend I wouldn't bother again tbh

Original poster
slugger · 01/08/2011 11:12

No, I don't think I will bother again tbh

OP posts:
traceybeaker · 01/08/2011 11:20

I don't see the prob in this.

But then I never make loose arrangements, if something is arrange I know the time place and etc etc.

No need for anyone getting hissy then.

Kewcumber · 01/08/2011 11:24

"I don't think I will bother again" - wise decision. If you'd rather not see her for the summer than fit in with her requiements then she really isn;t a good enough friend.

I have a sister just like this and I make the compromises because I love her and want to see her (mostly). It bugs me that I fit in with her and not the other way around but she compensates in other ways.

mummytime · 01/08/2011 11:25

I totally understand. Sounds as if she didn't really want to meet up BTW.

I had a friend, she invited herself and her family around for Sunday lunch, we said we might go to their Church as well. I was having a huge work crisis (in the middle of my PGCE) so really wasn't seeing anyone socially, but we hadn't seen them for a while and our kids get on. So we spent 2 days tidying up/cleaning (just to get it reasonable really). I also cooked. On the morning they phoned to say they weren't going to church that day. They arrived about 12:30, we had lunch including 4 of her 5 kids. Then about 2:30 they "had to go".
That made me miffed. To be honest we totally drifted after that, especially as the one time I tried to phone she was busy and said she'd phone back the next week, she has never phoned me since. DH and I guess we are dropped.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 01/08/2011 11:25

Gosh, some quite unpleasant comments on this thread! 'people like you', 'airy fairy meetings'. Hmm

The OP was simply annoyed that it wasn't made clear from the beginning that there would be a slot, and what it would be. It's understandable, isn't it, that when the timeslot thing came to light she felt a bit put out?

InTheNightKitchen · 01/08/2011 11:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

didldidi · 01/08/2011 11:30

look, it's like this. She probably hasn't got a lunch appointment has she? she only wants to spend two hours with you and to get that it she needed to start at 09.30. I often say this as a 'get away' option. She has a history for short visits. I mean who wants to spend more than two hours in a playground anyway? [shudder]

mumeeee · 01/08/2011 11:31

Sorry Slugger. I just presumed you wanted the whole day with her. I can see you were irritated by her telling you too meet at a certain time. 9,30 would have been a bit early for me when our DDs were little. But you could have suggested meeting for an hour. Although if it's always you who suggests meet ups and she isn't a good friend I would just leave it to her to suggest them from now on. If she doesn't bother then just key her go.

Marshmallowflump · 01/08/2011 12:32

I think you have never had this happen to you before?, depends on how well you know each other really,my friend had to do this to me the day we were meeting but it was impossible for her to change her times, it does happen. I think when arranging especially when there is kids involved each party needs to know how much time they can give as we all have other needs , wants and people to accomodate, please dont let it spoil your friendship you will learn and will hopefully not be offended if and when it may occur again.No of us are free agents really.

mamalovebird · 01/08/2011 12:52

do you know what the other appointment is? Maybe she has to go to the Doctors or has a plumber coming round or has to see the bank manager? Maybe she can't afford to go our for lunch so put a time restraint on it to avoid embarassment. Does she do it often? If you don't know that well, there could be a million reasons why she's found herself with another appointment on the same day.

Just because she hasn't dedicated her whole day to the possibility that it may string out to lunch, doesn't make her rude, just more of a lack of communication. That was your assumption, she didn't know what you were thinking.

If you want to be her friend, text/call her and say, 'oh, I thought we had the morning, is everything okay?' rather than assume she's snubbing you. Maybe you could help her out in some way. If you don't want to be her friend and that sort of behaviour doesn't sit well with you, sack it. If she's not as laid back as you are about arrangments then it might not be the friendship for you.