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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are they? some perspective needed...neighbour problems. honest responses wanted!!!!

215 replies

festi · 31/07/2011 12:20

My dd aged 5, scratched and dented my neighbours car accidently when opening a car door.

I knocked their door and told them and said let me know how much and ill see if I can pay towards it. At the time I thought only a scratch and didnt notice the dent, so thought would cost about £40 or something. Had I known it was a dent aswell I would have explained I didnt have much income etc.

Anyway his attitude was pretty shitty and he kept asking why she had kicked his car and I had to explain over agin it was a genuine accident with car door and not kicked.

I then hearded back from him a few weeks later with a quote for £175, I said I couldnt afford to pay that in one go and I wanted him to get a couple more quotes and get back to me. He was very agressive and would not listen to what I was saying and was insisting I was saying I wouldnt pay this. To end the converstation I asked him to stop and listen and explained I could not pay £175 in one go, go and get another few quotes and we will need to talk then. I was so upset at his bullyish and aggressive attitde I was reduced to tears, he also still did not recognise this was an accident and reffered to dd kicking his car, I was clear to reiterate she did not kick his car.

This weekend a month after the incident I have had a typed up letter through my door from him with the lowest quote of £75, I can pay this in two instalments from september. I am worried about the tone of his letter, It is very oficial and I wonder if he has had legal advice. I havent refused to pay and so now im worried he will take me to court and I will be footing a larger bill of legal fees.

It would be easier if he would knock my door and talk directly with me, I have written a letter back saying I will pay half of the £75 in september and left it at that.

Im fuming and reluctant to pay anything now. I probably am being unreasonable here, but had I been in this situation and the child had genuinly done this by accident and the parent admitted I would probably not persue them for anything let alone take it this badly. I wish I hadnt even told them now.

So opinions if they are being unrasonable or If I am for expecting some civil conversation and compassion from them?

and aslo what should I do now, wait for a respnse from them or attempt to talk directly with them?

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 01/08/2011 04:58

Your child damaged his car.

Yes, it was accidental but it still needs fixing!

You need to pay him the full amount - how about 2 post dated cheques?

hairfullofsnakes · 01/08/2011 04:59

Well amberleaf you should hope this kind of thing never happens to you although with an attitude like that maybe it should for you to realise your attitude is completely repugnant. Do you realise how hard it can be for some people to have to fix these kind of problems when there are people like you in the world who would walk away from inflicting damage?! What an awful, selfish way to think.

hairfullofsnakes · 01/08/2011 05:02

Oh and OP how is your low income his problem? You write like you think you deserve a medal for owning up. Take responsibility, stop passing the buck and sort this problem out. All my sympathy is with your poor neighbour for having to deal with you and your attitude. You asked if you were being unreasonable - yes you are - you are completely unreasonable

imnotforty · 01/08/2011 07:30

god, leave the girl alone. I'd rather live next door to festi than most of you. she has sorted things with her neighbour and is going to pay the money. I don't think there is any need to keep kicking the op.he girl alone. I'd rather live next door to festi than most of you. she has sorted things with her neighbour and is going to pay the money. I don't think there is any need to keep kicking the op.

imnotforty · 01/08/2011 07:36

what the hell is wrong with my phone ffs

AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 09:46

Hairsfullofsnakes.

If stating that I would walk away from a case of minor accidental damage in the circumstances that I could not afford to fix it makes me awful and selfish- then so be it, I can live with that.

Its minor damage to a car not leaving a body at the roadside.

SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 12:00

But Amber you should still admit it whether you have the money to pay or not. My friend who I mentioned earlier doesn't have £600 lying around to pay for the wardrobe her son ruined so she is missing her week in Cornwall next month and giving that money to pay for the damage her child did. It's simply about taking responsibility for your children.

Lovesicecream · 01/08/2011 12:26

Not sure you all live in the real world! Some people wouldn't have the money there and then, also who's she supposed to borrow it from?

mollymole · 01/08/2011 12:32

your child caused the damage - so pay up - why can't you give him say. 3 cheques for £25 each postdated - this will show him you intend to pay

AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 12:32

spottyfrock.

You're friend if she can afford a holiday in cornwall she cant be the sort of hard up im refering to.

Im talking about being so hard up that you simply dont have any money for any extras, there are lots of people that have finances like that.

AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 12:33

God sorry, your friend.

pearlym · 01/08/2011 13:27

actually, i do not think OP is legally responsible for her child's actions in this situation, although morally she shuld pay

SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 14:36

No, I wasn't suggesting she was hard up just that it was impossible for her to find £600 spare to pay for the wardrobe so she is using the money that week' holiday would have cost. So without the other mum even having to ask, my friend felt the damage was her responsibility and if that meant giving up the week in cornwall then so be it.

hairfullofsnakes · 01/08/2011 14:52

yes it does make you extremely selfish amberleaf - what a disgusting way to think and be

AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 15:39

Spottyfrock, ok what I mean is that some people are so hard up that there isnt anything to 'give up' in order to find the funds!

What should they do?

hairfullofsnakes. Im not selfish, but if I was extremely hard up and something like that happened and I was in a position to 'get away with it' I would if paying for the damage meant that I wouldnt be able to afford food shopping or essential bills.

You are entitled to see that as repugnant, but maybe you have never been that hard up?

I have, so.......................

Of course if I had the money to pay then yes I would pay, that goes without saying, but If not should I allow my children to go without food or heat in order to repair a scratch on someones car?

Niecie · 01/08/2011 15:51

Amberleaf - I think you are right actually. If it is a choice between feeding your children and repairing a stranger's car for a very minor area of accidental damage there is no contest. The children get to eat.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anybody would advocate the OP (or anybody) borrowing money and getting into to debt to pay for a very minor car fault. It's ridiculous. It is a car FGS and a tiny cosmetic problem at that. It makes no difference to the way the car works and the guy can have it fixed whilst he is sat in his armchair at home. Apart from a couple of phonecalls does it really warrant this kind uproar? Some of you seem more interested in possessions than people.

FWIW I find the neighbour very weird. OK nobody is pleased if their things get damaged by I don't understand why he wilfully insists the DD kicked the car. Makes me very suspicious I have to say. But then on the other hand if he was out for what he could get, why take a whole month to get the quotes? Some of this does not add up.

AmberLeaf · 01/08/2011 16:04

Some of you seem more interested in possessions than people.

Indeed.

Tchootnika · 01/08/2011 16:15

Could your neighbour's 'attitude' just be an expression of irritability and exhaustion, seeing as how he's gone all around the houses to make things as easy as possible for you, but you still don't seem to recognise that you have any obligation towards him?
What would you like him to do or say, btw?

Shutupanddrive · 01/08/2011 16:31

niecie it makes no difference to the way the car works but it would make a big difference if he wanted to sell his car, as it wouldn't be worth as much as it would have been if op's dd had not damaged it! Of course she should pay. How do we know the neighbour is any better off than her? (money wise I mean)

paulapantsdown · 01/08/2011 16:32

would you rather he just said "ok, don't worry about it, I'll repair it at no cost to you"!?

This is your responsibility, so stop being silly and pay up.

Acekicker · 01/08/2011 16:33

why take a whole month to get the quotes? Some of this does not add up

because getting quotes for this kind of thing is a pain in the arse, especially if the first quote comes from the garage you always use and is actually not that out of whack with the going rate.

You have to find places that give quotes, take your car to them etc and that might involve quite some time if you work full time so can only go at very limited times. Assuming the first couple of places came in at more or the same as the initial quote and you can get one quote a week then in a month you'd get maybe 4 quotes.

The hassle and aggravation involved in car repairs of any kind (even minor stuff like scratches/dents) can be huge and although I'd appreciate someone 'fessing up to having caused damage I still wouldn't want to be out of pocket for the repairs, especially when I'm already down on my time because of it...

Original poster
festi · 01/08/2011 17:21

You are absolutely right amberleaf. some people are far more interested than poccessions.

I have listened to advice and taken action so I think the discussion is kaput now.

OP posts:
SpottyFrock · 01/08/2011 17:31

Yes and the thing about getting lots of quotes is the quality. Dh drives a 5series BMW. He always uses a BMW garage for servicing and repairs because even though they're more expensive, it means the car holds it's value better when he comes to sell. So if someone caused damage to his car he would never take it to somewhere else.

And yes Amber, I'm aware you meant that some people have nowhere to cut back on. Doesn't mean they shouldn't add up but it rely should mean that the op teaches her child that under no circumstances should she open car doors by herself. Re my friend, if they hadn't saved all year for the holiday, she wouldn't have had the money either. I don't think either her or her dh are happy about all that hard holiday saving going to pay for someone else's furniture but what else can you do when your child had destroyed someone else's property?

Original poster
festi · 01/08/2011 17:53

I also understand that myself spotty, but had the man been able to talk in a civil manner to me we would then have been able work something out, but instead he did not even give me the time of day to discuss this. I said I cant afford 175 up front this or next month..he then ranted a little about my dd kicking his car and repeating so you can afford anything then at all!!!!, wich is not what I had said..had he said he was not able to or willing to get any other quotes, We would have had to come to an arrangement or compromise.

My honest take on it is, had my dd willfully kicked his car or took a rock to it then yes my own moral obligation would have been to bend over back wards and sip it up. I know ill get a flaming for this but I do belive, this it was an accident caused by a 5 yr old child with no malice or intention to have created this damage and therefor he has a moral obligation to keep his cool remain calm and come to mutual understanding. He was unable to do this and so yes that did get my back up. If some one has no money, they simply have no money and a compromise/agreement/arrangement must be reached.

By getting more quotes he is not doing me any favours in all honesty, he chose to do this on my request, he could have said, no you get more quotes, or no this is the dealer..which it wasnt by the way. by deciding to go with the cheapest quote is his choice and yes has lessened my stress and shown some undestanding both of which I would have been far more respectful and greatful of had he not come to my door shouting the odds, but had he not got more quotes, then he would have had to have been willing to talk with me.

I have from the begining accepted my responsibilty, in a reaction to his bullish ways, I considered not offering up the second installment in which I later took back and have given him a clear picture of what my circumstances are and when he will get his money.

I know many people who would have walked away and not owned up all are normal decent people. I will think twice about being so honest in the future. Although I dont expect him to not want me to pay, I would not have done so in his shoes.

OP posts:
Original poster
festi · 01/08/2011 17:55

I also didnt add my dd and I have learned a valued lesson, she does not open any door unless im there. I check child lock is on in any car we travel in.

OP posts: