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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or are they? some perspective needed...neighbour problems. honest responses wanted!!!!

215 replies

festi · 31/07/2011 12:20

My dd aged 5, scratched and dented my neighbours car accidently when opening a car door.

I knocked their door and told them and said let me know how much and ill see if I can pay towards it. At the time I thought only a scratch and didnt notice the dent, so thought would cost about £40 or something. Had I known it was a dent aswell I would have explained I didnt have much income etc.

Anyway his attitude was pretty shitty and he kept asking why she had kicked his car and I had to explain over agin it was a genuine accident with car door and not kicked.

I then hearded back from him a few weeks later with a quote for £175, I said I couldnt afford to pay that in one go and I wanted him to get a couple more quotes and get back to me. He was very agressive and would not listen to what I was saying and was insisting I was saying I wouldnt pay this. To end the converstation I asked him to stop and listen and explained I could not pay £175 in one go, go and get another few quotes and we will need to talk then. I was so upset at his bullyish and aggressive attitde I was reduced to tears, he also still did not recognise this was an accident and reffered to dd kicking his car, I was clear to reiterate she did not kick his car.

This weekend a month after the incident I have had a typed up letter through my door from him with the lowest quote of £75, I can pay this in two instalments from september. I am worried about the tone of his letter, It is very oficial and I wonder if he has had legal advice. I havent refused to pay and so now im worried he will take me to court and I will be footing a larger bill of legal fees.

It would be easier if he would knock my door and talk directly with me, I have written a letter back saying I will pay half of the £75 in september and left it at that.

Im fuming and reluctant to pay anything now. I probably am being unreasonable here, but had I been in this situation and the child had genuinly done this by accident and the parent admitted I would probably not persue them for anything let alone take it this badly. I wish I hadnt even told them now.

So opinions if they are being unrasonable or If I am for expecting some civil conversation and compassion from them?

and aslo what should I do now, wait for a respnse from them or attempt to talk directly with them?

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 31/07/2011 13:48

You are the only one with the bad attitude here. You are still saying you will leave it at that by paying this man half the proper amount in over a months time!

Absolutely appalling way to behave. You are shirking your responsilbility because he was quite rightly cross at your attitude "maybe I will pay.." what on earth did you expect him to say?

FabbyChic · 31/07/2011 13:51

Social fund does not ask specifics on what the money is for, you just put debts on the form, it does not ask where the money is going for every individual item, it asks in general you tick the box you get the loan. Far better to pay him off what you owe him and then have the money deducted from your benefits.

He has to put in writing if he wants to take you to court, due to your reticence to pay he is covering his ass.

youarekidding · 31/07/2011 13:52

YABVU.

And I have one thing to say to you child locks. This how you prevent excited children opening car doors and jumping out and possibly causing damage.

bellavita · 31/07/2011 13:53

Yabvu.

If it was my car, I would be taking it back to the dealership to be colour matched and I would expect you to pay the full price - not part of.

You need to make sure your child is careful opening doors. I make sure mine are. If space is tight, I get out first and open the door for them.

Dogsby · 31/07/2011 13:56

i think he sounds rather reaosnable

BooyHoo · 31/07/2011 14:01

why will you not go to him? you have admitted that your letter saying you will pay half was a knee jerk reaction and that you will pay it in full but you haven't told him this, as far as he knows you are only paying half. stop playing silly games, be an adult, swallow your pride and knock his door, apologise for your letter and say that you responded without thinking and that you will of course pay the full amount, if possible offer him some money there and then.

mayorquimby · 31/07/2011 14:04

"Tell me, all of you who don't seem to have a problem with the guys attitude, would you be as rude as he has been?"

Well tbh I don't think he's the one who's been rude here, i think any rudeness or lact of subtelty on his part has been a reaction to the op's appalling attitude and rudeness.

hayleysd · 31/07/2011 14:05

Whether it was an accident or not your daughter did it, I know you have a low income but that's not his problem I would be really annoyed if my neighbour did it then said i'd have to wait maybe they've got a low income too and have now been left with a horrible dent they can't get fixed cos you wont pay up til sept!

ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 14:07

so your dd, for whom you are responsible, has caused, at the cheaper estimate, 75 quid worth of damage to his car. You will pay half of that in September.

Who do you imagine is responsible for paying the other half?

ManiPedi · 31/07/2011 14:09

Of course the man was rude!

Someone damaged his car and then he discovered that he was going to have to run around getting quotes!

I'd feel so upset if someone did this to my car and then acted in the way you have OP.

CalamityKate · 31/07/2011 14:11

YABVVVU.

YOUR daughter caused the damage. Of COURSE you have to pay. His attitude is irrelevant, and I have to say if I were him I'd be pretty jarred off too. Your OP pretty much implies that you think you were being kind to offer to pay "towards" the damage.

Shutupanddrive · 31/07/2011 14:13

Of course YABU! I think you were hoping he would say 'oh forget it, accidents happen', but now you realise that he does expect you to pay your trying to squirm out of it. Why the hell should he have to chase you to get you to pay the other half? or wait a month before he sees any money? His attitude has nothing to do with it, and I think it's yours that is the problem here not his!

ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 14:14

yes the "let me know how much and ill see if I can pay towards it" which you say you began iwth probably was unfortunate. You are obliged to pay it and it isn't a case of you doing him a favour as far as you can afford it because it was an accident and not deliberate vandalism IYSWIM

BeerTricksPotter · 31/07/2011 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
festi · 31/07/2011 14:17

I have asked about applying for a social fund with the benifits department and have been told that social funds will only be payed for food if I can prove I have none and for gas and electric only if I have a key or card meter.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 31/07/2011 14:28

op - he does sound like a deeply unpleasant individual.
what happened was an accident. but unfortunately you still have to pay up.
so decide that's what you're going to do, and move on.

ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 14:28

just read the rst of the thread now and I see I was just repeating what others have already said. I didn't mean to just keep hammering the same message into you.

As to your other questions. Look he put it in writing and maybe since the conversations went badly so far, it was the right thing to do. You know where you are, you have responded in writing, and he knows where he is for now. If you are not going to pay a second installment as he requested, yes he will probably take it further legally. Sounds like it to me. If you pay the second installment, that would be the end of it. I would transfer it to an account though, so you have proof of payment.

There is no need to freak about the legal thing, pay it and it'll be sorted. If you absolutely cannot and will not pay the second installment, you'll have some more unpleasantness obviously and you'll need to think about how to approach him and deal with that.

should you approach him now or wait for a response was your last question. I would wait now since you have posted a letter

TakeMeDrunkImHome · 31/07/2011 14:30

You really are not listening to anything anyone has to say are you OP. Just those (very few) who agree with you. Whatever you say, your in the wrong. A member of your family damaged his property and you only offered to contribute towards repair costs. I would have been fuming. YOUR responsible YOU pay.

As I said, you aren't listening to anyone though. I'd pursue you for every penny if I was the neighbour. What makes you so sure he's rolling around in cash and can afford to "let you off". Totally totally U.

hayleysd · 31/07/2011 14:35

My friend got a budgeting loan it wasn't as quick as a crisis loan but was so she could buy a new washer, might be worth a try? Not sure if they would ask what it was for?

mayorquimby · 31/07/2011 14:37

"should you approach him now or wait for a response was your last question. I would wait now since you have posted a letter"

The problem is her last letter she stated she'd only pay half. Leaving that sit is only going to make things fester and probably lead to things becoming worse than they should. He won't respond till he has all his ducks in a row and knows where he stands legally as far as getting his whole pay-out. He may think sod this and give the name adress and licence plate to his insurance company and that would drag the op's friend into it.

snippywoo2 · 31/07/2011 14:39

haven't read all the other posts but could you not ask your friend who parked their car so close to your neighbours car surely having the sense to realise their 5 year old passenger would just open the car door (as most young kids do) without thinking about it hitting another car, to lend you the money so you can pay in full now and put an end to any bad feelings with your neighbour.

ZZZenAgain · 31/07/2011 14:39

yes I saw that. As I understood it, she was not specific about not paying the second half , just said she would pay half in september. He will respond is my estimation and she will have to be prepared with her answer which I am not sure she has finally decided on yet.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 31/07/2011 14:43

I haven't bothered reading all of the replies, sorry.

I have to say - if your query is about HIS attitude, you are being unreasonable. He's annoyed that your child damaged his car. I would be annoyed as well.

FWIW, I think you did exactly the right thing to tell him. His response is not very pleasant, but there's not a lot you can do about it, really, is there? And to say you will pay TOWARDS it IS out of order, IMO - your family caused the damage, therefore it's not U to expect your family to pay the entire costs of repair - I really don't see any other option.

Keep your mouth shut next time, if you odn't like how he's reacted this time around.

Sorry if this is old ground, I didn't read all responses.

SpottyFrock · 31/07/2011 14:44

You must know that you are being unreasonable? Perhaps this will encourage you to make sure your dd doesn't open doors by herself until she's old enough to control where they go. My 7yr old can do this, my 5yr old cannot and therefore needs to wait.

I also think £75 is incredibly cheap. It cost me £200 to have a scratch and dent repaired. People must take responsibility for accidents caused by their children. I have a friend who's just had to pay £600 to another friend because her 4yr old wandered upstairs with a biro and drew all over her dd's White wardrobe! Friend paying feels sick at the cost and it's affected their holiday plans but she's never considered not paying.

ManiPedi · 31/07/2011 14:47

There must be some way that you can find the money.

I'm not in your situation so I don't know the ins and outs of benefits/social funds, but I would have thought there must be a provision for these sorts of things cropping up.

Do you smoke or drink? Can you give either up/cut down to save money for a few weeks?

Do you put money on the lottery/buy magazines/comics for your DD or any other non necessary things that can be stopped for a short while?

I'm sure if you go back to the neighbour, apologise and say that you will pay it all, but that you will need to get the money together then he will understand.

(And by getting the money together, I mean in the next few weeks)

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