To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

[Tuppenyrice]

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

Yabu because he has to tour to earn money for the familiy

Yanbu to feel unappreciated if he's making out he's more deserving of rest than you

Gentle enough?

Yanbu at all. I would hate it if DP worked away, DD is 8 weeks & it's already hard enough with him working from home. I do the bulk of the childcare because I'm bf'ing & because he's freelance, so works everyday. I am exhausted & at times a bit resentful. If he was away & unable to help out when I'm at the end of my tether, I would be unable to cope. I love my DD but I loathe the endless slog of childcare. With 3, I can only imagine...

Is he supportive & understanding? Is there anyway you could access more support while he's away? I would prob insist on a break by setting up a couple of days of nursery or CM if finances permit. And I would expect him to properly step up when he is at home. No "oh I've been on tour, I'm knackered..."

It depends how you let of steam really, OP. If you have a little wobble every now and again and let him know it's hard on a day to day basis, fair enough. If you rant and rave whenever he's home because he's not there the rest of the time then that's out of order, really.

Presumably, you knew he was a musician when you met him and decided to have children together. That kind of lifestyle can be sporadic and he has to go where the work is. Have you asked him how he feels about his work? It might be a terrible wrench for him to leave you and the children but he has no choice. I work away from home quite often and find it very hard; it's disruptive for me and for husband, kids, dogs, etc. Sometimes I feel like an 'intruder' when I get back because they're into a 'routine' and I'm upsetting it... and that's after only a few days.

Can you plan some nice family time for when he's home so that he can pick up the slack a bit and take the pressure off you? Make a plan/schedule of what you want to do and really make the most of your time together. Rant here rather than eat into your couple/family time.

Look at your own routines and see where you can take your foot off the gas; some things just aren't important - do the absolute minimum and build in whatever else you think you need from there.

Not easy, I know. A friend of mine whose husband is in the Navy says that 'it's like a honeymoon all the time as he's only home two weeks out of seven', but I know the reality is harder than that and sometimes it's very, very tough.

What Lying Witch said.

I'm struggling
Crying a lot
Hate myself for not bring able to cop
Just argued by text and phone but hrs refusing to answer phone now as I've hurt his feelings by ranting
I should've ranted here

Sympathies really
You have to ask yourself when he gets back do you both muck in together with childcare and housework?
Do you have time together as a couple and do you both have the same 'me' time to go off and do whatever you want.
When you are apart you both are working and contributing to the family unit so no competetiveness please just fairness.

In an equal partnership You both work hard and both need help and support.

He hasn't travelled for ages. Last bit trip was awful timing - had to give birth without him then my father was diagnosed with tarnish cancer & well you can imagine how that went.
I'm aware that this trip is not as hard as the last one but it's bringing back a lot of sadness anger & resentment.
When DP is here he's amazing dad very helpful etc no complaints really we both work equally hard. But with 3 young kids there is no couple time and we are suffering. I'm sure there's a bitchy part of me that's jealous of this trip ad although it's work it's still fun and child free! My work is clearing up other people's crap
I don't rest/sleep well when he's away so this has built up over 7 days. I wish I'd just left it as he is now saying things like "o can't give you what you want" etc
Essentially I'm driving him away.

Last big trip
Terminal cancer

Bloomin phone

But if you're feeling that crap that's a sign that something is wrong, surely? What are your arguments about? Is he not helping when he's home?

Tuppenyrice... Send him a 'Sorry, having a wobble, hope you're having a good day, love you' text and then come back here and rant, rant away.

He's refusing to answer the phone because either he's busy or because he just can't cope with a row right now. It's hard for you because you have something you want to say and you feel you can't keep it in. A row now, whilst he's away is going to make both of you miserable. A text/phone row is deeply unsatisfying and not going to resolve things.

I'll tell you this, the 'absent' partner feels things more when they're away from home. When I'm away (husband never is), I feel very out of sorts. I feel weird and everything is 'out of kilter', things said on the phone quite innocently can have hidden meanings. They wouldn't if said face to face with my husband. We have a good relationship, very solid, but absences are just very hard. We have an agreement now that unless it's really necessary, I won't be told of issues at home because I can't do anything about them whilst I'm away.

If I were in your husband's position, my heart would be dropping down to my stomach every time I see your number come up on the phone. It shouldn't be like that. You need some support to deal with whatever's going on at home and upsetting you and you need to come to terms with your husband's job... it IS a job, it's his livelihood and you have to treat it as such. By the same token, your husband has to accept that his job is hard on YOU and you need him to be supportive of you.

So... send the 'nice text' and gather your thoughts and come back here to RANT... we'll be waiting. :)

Cross posted with your Tuppennyrice, two very tough situations to deal with there. Do you have any RL support, friends, family, etc.?

I'm like you - 3 dcs aged 7 and under, and a SAHM. It can be stressful, particularly if you get only limited time off for yourself. Is there any chance you could arrange some regular time for yourself? Even if you have to pay someone, it may well be money worth spending if it stops you feeling resentful. Even 2 hours a week could make a major difference to your happiness / mental health / the health of your relationship. Go and read a book in a cafe. Go for a swim. Sit in the sun without children climbing all over you. Recharge.

On a purely practical note, when I have problems sleeping, I listen to Paul McKenna "I can make you sleep" and it gets me off pretty quickly. Everything feels better after a good night's sleep and completely crap after a bad one.

Thank you thank you all of you I can't believe complete strangers would take the time to write such considered posts. Thank you.
Action plan:

Get support that works.
Get some time off, even just 2 hours of quiet.
Rant on here not at DP.
Accept his job (that's a tough one)
Get some counselling to deal with the latent issues surrounding the last trip.
Buy Paul McKenna tape

I spoke to him just before he got on his plane. I felt terrible rowing just before flight made me feel panicky.
We cleared the air but I'm not convinced this feeling is going away anytime soon....

Tuppenyrice... Your post really strikes a chord with me because I'm away quite a lot.

Are you dealing with anything specific that you'd want to bounce off strangers? Post away, if so.... :)

You cleared the air with your husband but he's probably waiting for the other shoe to drop from past experience. If you can get the support you need, your phone calls will be much easier in future.

I think I'm driving him away. But I'm scared I'm doing it deliberately. We've had a tough year. He had been working from home and it became too intense for me I felt he was critical of the way I run things at home so we discussed it (rowed) and came to the conclusion that he needed to work outside the home. He has set this up now and will begin to do so once home. This is a financial outlay and also means he's home later so less help to me but I felt it necessary to save our relationship. Then he goes on an 8 day trip and I last 6 days before I blow my top about how hard life is without him. I realise I'm sounding like a loose canon.
The issues surrounding him touring etc probably have a lot to do with feeling frustrated at myself. I've never really fulfilled my potential and I have an apathetic approach to life that drives him mad. I have issues with a narc mother that have definitely contributed to my adult apathy. As a child I was ambitious. Something went wrong somewhere along the way.

It's really interesting to hear the other side of the coin as the person doing the travelling.....

I know exactly where you're coming from, Tuppenyrice. I'm the 'ambitious' one in our relationship, my husband just wants to go to work and come home, he's a homebird and would never do a job like mine. We're very opposite and whilst we argue, of course, and have ups and downs, we rub along fine.

Your post is a bit contrary - probably because your feelings are, Tuppeny. You feel like you're pushing your husband away (maybe on purpose) and you don't want him at home because of the intensity, yet his absence really bothers you. Does he know how frustrated you feel? Is there any way that you can let him know of your feelings without you making it sound as if he's responsible for the way that you are feeling? If he feels 'got at' and the instigator of your bad feelings, rather than your 'knight in shining armour' who makes you feel better, that could be a cause of your rows. He probably feels very helpless because you're the one who feels the way you do, he doesn't feel that way and, all of the 'movement' is actually coming from you. You feel angry, he's passive to it in a way.

Your husband possibly feels as if he's 'in the way' or 'has no control' over what happens in his family. His immediate 'problem solving solution' is to work away from home - not just touring but also on a daily basis. Is that going to work for you? It's twin-pronged; he's away of necessity (touring) and he's away for the sake of your relationship (working away from home to stop the rows). Is there a solution that you can see to that? Is your home big enough for you to be there in the day and for your husband to work without getting in your way and making you feel resentful? Will the figures stack up for that - and could you cope emotionally? I think that's something to think about seriously.

What about you, Tuppeny... I saw from your OP that you are a writer in addition to looking after your children on a daily basis. You and your husband are obviously both very creative people. He's getting to indulge his delight as a job, you're not. What can be done to change that? Could there be some time allocated each week whereby your husband has care of the children, takes them out away from the house to give you some time? I don't know how that works with writing, whether the 'muse' works that way or whether it needs to be more spontaneous, but is it something you could talk to your husband about?

Are there any family members or friends who could step in to help you practically (taking children out of your home) or mentally - giving you a sounding board in RL? What about your mother? I know you've referred to her as being narcissistic, but does that mean she wouldn't be able or willing to help? Anybody else in your circle?

Is there a writer's group that you could join? A meeting that you could attend away from the home? Is there something else completely unrelated that you'd like to do?

What I'm saying, Tuppeny is that it all sounds very much one-sided, all the considerations are for your husband's career and nothing for you. You've identified it as a problem but does your husband know that really? It sounds as if he is trying to 'problem solve', but not necessarily in the right way. What do you need him to do? I find that if I 'grizzle' (as husband calls it ), he switches off and lets me rant away without even listening. If I look concerned or worried and tell him there's a problem, he really tries to fix it (sometimes again without listening). If you can identify the root of the problems as you see them, would your husband be willing to work with you to tackle them one by one? Is there a way that you could prioritise them, telling him maybe, "My biggest upset is not feeling validated/being unable to do anything other than look after the children... I really want to write/go to the gym every day/go to college/whatever else you'd like?

If your relationship is going to end, Tuppeny, let it be because it's the right thing for you both, not passively watching it descend into oblivion like a slow-motion car-crash. It's worth fixing, it's worth a try at least. You need some support to get there and I for one can totally see where you're coming from.

Make a plan of what you need, what's not working, what would work for you and start there, that's my advice. :)

I travel for work and loathe it if dh and I fight while I'm travelling. I think people have this image of travelling for work being fun as there aren't any kids around and you get to stay in hotels.

But the reality is often hours spent in boiling airports, not being able to sleep properly in unfamiliar rooms, eating crap food on the hop and feeling bloated half the time, hideous entertaining that has to be done, jet lag and coming back more tired than you were when you started.

I find myself longing for beans on toast and sitting in the lounge with my feet up watching crap on tv with dd .

I think you sound quite down in general and are lashing out. Other posters have said some brilliant things about thinking why you feel this way.

DP works away a lot and gets to go to loads of parties etc, it is tough and I have sympathy for you. I am sort of over it now really but not sure how I managed it. We have a young baby so it is hard but luckily DP id very appreciative of me keeping the home fires burning.

I found setting a strict requirement of perfume/ make up orfags for trips away in Europe and Sunglasses/Clothing booze helped somewhat too!

Can you earn so he can work less? can you afford help?
How is he when he is at home?

ishefamous?

Lying that is an amazing post and I'm going to re read it when the kids are in bed so I can digest it properly. I certainly need to learn to deal with people in a more constructive fashion.

Fox - yes I am down. And I think everything is whirring around inside me with nowhere to go.
I also understand life on the road is not glamorous as I have experienced it myself. But it still beats the daily grind!!

Do you think a family holiday with some childcare would help us as a couple or would a break for me be more beneficial?

Dial - I'm not going to out myself but my DP tours with famous people!
I love your attitude and I'd like to work towards being a bit more like that

I think I cope better now because DP as cottoned on to the fact that if he rings and texts me lots and tells me he misses me then I deal with it better. This did not used to be the case! it may be lip service, I am not really sure; but it works. We also now have DD of our own rather than just my DS and I know it breaks his heart to leave her (and DS but DD more because she is just a baby and she learns new tricks whenever he goes away).

We are moving to live nearer his work so he will be away less often (something that I guess isn't possible where touring is involved).

YANBU

I also don't think you should over-think this.

It sounds like what you would like is a partner who works a standard 9-5 job -- ie, someone who is not home all day, but works reasonable hours and doesn't travel, so is around to help out a lot.

I don't think that's odd at all, or requiring any deep psychological introspection. This is the kind of setup most people have.

I think a lot of people would be annoyed by your partner's job situation and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself, especially when his job left you alone at a very vulnerable time. You had every right to be angry that he wasn't there when you had a child and lost your father -- is any job more important than being there for your wife at such times? Realistically you have to come to terms with this anger going forward, perhaps even seek counseling for it, but I think a first step is acknowledging that it's legitimate to feel the way you do.

It sounds like you have taken a big step toward a better set-up, with him working out of the home. I am currently dealing with similar issues so I understand how hard this is and I hope this really helps a lot.

I think it would really help if you could take a holiday together and spend some time just the two of you. He needs to show he is really sorry for not being there for you before and you need to find a way to forgive him.

I used to travel a lot when DS was small and I was well aware DW had to cope - but that was the point, she had to cope. I was working, earning the food, paying the mortgage, and that's what my work involved.

Of course he should help all he can, when he can, but even that may be easier said than done - if you arrive home jetlagged you are not much use for several hours.

Good luck to you both. I know it is not easy.

I think a holiday might make you feel temporarily better but if you are looking for permanent changes, I would look to work more days if I was you. Sounds like you are far happier working more. You will then, by default, get more childcare to help with the kids and can go and forge whatever career it is you feel resentment about stopping.

If life at home isn't for you, then it isn't for you. Nowt wrong with that. If you can afford the childcare, then go for it and enjoy your life a bit more.

It is not easy. Last week DH was on a trip away - leaving me with three DC 5 and under who took it in turns to not sleep - be ill or be very tried and over excited about end of term. Plus it was a week with lots of additional stuff to remember and get done.

I was drained by the end of the week - all our phone calls seemed to consist of me moaning about the DC to him . Better than previous trip away weekend before where I rang and blew up at him because he'd left something unplugged and I could not get it working. I calm down quickly and text usually to say sorry or he rings. It is not easy though.

He let me sleep all yesterday afternoon - so I felt so much better.

Planning helps - easy meals in for when he is away - trying not to have much on do - so getting house/shopping sorted before he goes.

This time last year I was really struggling as was away so much - I was getting resentful as I got no time for me was permanently stressed and tried. Helps youngest is now bit older but also I started some things that mean I have had the odd day/trip/evening away which had helped my mental state. Also helped with my feeling of frustration that I started working on something for me and I am doing something other than look after DC and the house.

We also try and make a bit more time for each other - in evenings when DC are in bed.