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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

258 replies

Tuppenyrice · 24/07/2011 10:56

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/07/2011 21:53

It's easier to be agitated if your house is a mess. Is there any way you could have one tidy childfree room? (There's a thread about this at the moment.)

Best of luck tomorrow - tell her everything. x

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 17:52

Hi.
Saw Doc. She reckons I'm 'moderately depressed' !
Prescribed Fluxuotene. I'll give it a go but the libido loss worries me!!
Anyone think it's better if I just get more childcare?!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 28/07/2011 18:27

I might get flamed for this but to answer your question, I would get more childcare before taking medication.

I suffered from chronic depression in my 20s, I never sought treatment until I basically had a breakdown and had to see a psychiatrist. Having gone through this treatment, I am really sceptical when a GP sees someone for, what, 15 minutes and diagnoses depression and prescribes medication. My psychiatrist said he would need to see me at least 4 times before he would make a diagnosis, as there are so many different disorders that can produce similar symptoms. Even though I had tried to kill myself he did not want to assume I was depressed. He did offer medication if I felt I really needed it to stabilise myself, but I did not take any. I had six months of counselling and have been in really good shape ever since.

I have had a lot of friends suffer from depression and take medication and I know it saves lives, so I am not anti-medication. If you think it will help then by all means take it.

At the same time I know people who have really suffered from the side effects, which is why I think it's not a decision to take lightly. I don't think it would necessarily help the state of your relationship if your libido disappears.

But it does sound like more child care would really help in your situation, and making some of the other changes you talked about, taking a holiday. If you do all that and you still feel down, then you can always start taking the medication. It's not really an either/or question, you can get more childcare AND take the pills.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 20:04

Dreaming I'm sorry to hear you had a tough time. Sad
Back after I've put the little darlings to bed....

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 28/07/2011 20:13

Oh thank you, that was ages ago though. Life is good now Smile

ImperialBlether · 28/07/2011 20:34

If I were you, OP, I'd go for a full scale attack.

a) take meds
b) get more childcare help in and do something for yourself (or sleep) whilst it's going on
c) go to the library three times a week and have a go at writing something
d) have a child-free room (if this is possible)
e) talk to your DH at night instead of coming on here
f) get some exercise every day (get your DH to mind the children)
g) look up 'mindfulness' online - sounds crap at first but it got my ex out of his depression, so it must be effective

It's affecting your life, so try to control it on every level you can.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 21:36

I've been reluctant thus far but I'm fed up feeling anxious and finding small things difficult so I think i might try them.

Dreaming I get where you're coming from and I think there are alternatives to drugs and yeah it was 15 minutes of talk and a predictable questionnaire with an inevitable outcome... She did also refer me for CBT so I'm on the waiting list for talk therapy too.
I've got big strides to make but honestly so little energy and I hope the meds might help with that?
Imperial DP works long hours so while he's helpful he can't take the DCs during the week and often the weekends are busy for him too. Since he returned from his trip he has been home rarely. He has so much work on at the moment. I'll have to get more childcare in place.
It does piss me off though that he says oh take a break away etc then disappears leaving me to deal with everything. I still feel irritated with him as he doesn't really get it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 21:38

I resent that he's at work while I had to put my son back to bed 8 times as he was worried about fires and burglars Sad
(son not DP)
bloody men.

OP posts:
PenguinPatter · 28/07/2011 21:52

If it possible I'd do what ImperialBlether suggests and do everything.

Do go back to GP though - friend was told it was pnd and given pills that didn't seem to make her all better so she blamed work, her relationship her age ect. Saw another GP for something else nearly two years later - who asked how long she had her goitor. Turns out it was her thyroid - soon as she took the medication for that kicked in she felt well.

NorfolkBroad · 28/07/2011 22:08

Hi Tuppeny, do you like your GP? That makes a difference doesn't it? Sometimes if you don't like them or don't really know them it can be hard to talk about things with them. I didn't go to my GP about my depression so I was never offered pills but I think in retrospect that i ought to have gone and i would have tried the pills. It is a very personal choice though.

I am not surprised you are feeling low though, i suffered major resentment when my dp was away and I have only one child.
I think you are coping with a huge amount on your own, it is REALLY hard and also very boring and with little ones you do not get a break till they are in bed and by that time you are so knackered you can barely funtion. I suppose what I am saying is that I think a break (whether it's half a day or a little holiday) would be fantastic. Do you think you can do that? (i don't mean to be horrible by the way about children I absolutely adore my daughter and she is not boring at all but sometimes the drudgery of parenting can be quite acute!).

NorfolkBroad · 28/07/2011 22:11

And on the matter of irritation..........I find it SO annoying when I am up to my eyeballs in work problems, dd being ill, MIL needing help and DP is thousands of miles away in a 5 star hotel and she says "take it easy love, be gentle to yourself!"!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, yes, thank you that is very kind but who is going to sort this out if not me!

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 22:13

It's bloody hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 22:16

This is going to sound pathetic but I'm struggling to book a holiday. And how I'm supposed to squeeze in a "me" break is beyond me when DP so busy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 28/07/2011 22:17

Norfolk can we get a "Bloody women"? Wink

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 00:02

Do you want us to help you with the holiday? What sort of thing do you want, what's your budget and when do you want to go?

I'm sure we'd all like to live vicariously for a few hours and suggest some lovely holidays.

dreamingbohemian · 29/07/2011 00:16

Oh that's great you're on the list for CBT -- that's what I had and it was fantastic.

How would your DP react if you said: Listen, I love you all, but if I don't get a few days to myself, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. So please find 4 days within the next few weeks where you can take care of the kids or we can get some other help in.

Tell him you will use those days to not only recharge but put together a plan going forward so that things will get better. So it's a sort of short-term investment for long-term gain. Do you think he would respond to that?

And if you need holiday suggestions -- yes, I'm sure we would have some!

Hang in there -- you've done so well to cope with so much, it's sure to get better.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 29/07/2011 09:30

He is under loads of pressure for the next 14 days or so with a deadline so things should be calmer for him once he's delivered. Then he can be more present with us, less stressed, gentler (he is a bit snappy with kids when stressed) and here more. I've got to work out my own childcare issues until then. It's shit timing as I'd like him to take over for a bit while I get my head round things. But that's life.

Holiday! Have ruled out flying anywhere as flight times were horrendous and can't face that with 3 nippers. So Northern France or UK. I'd like access to childcare or kids clubs so we can get a break & the kids would love activities anyway. I looked at Kinderhotels but got tired after 5 minutes on the site. Centerparcs could be an option.
So hotel with activities or house with pool but access to clubs for kids.
Budget 3-5k

Any thoughts?! x

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 10:34

I've found you some!

Normandy

Bordeaux

Provence

Now what you have to do is to look at them and say what you like/dislike about them so that I can refine my search! All are family friendly with childcare available.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 29/07/2011 13:37

Wow they all look gorgeous. The 2nd one is fully booked for the summer. I like idea of baby crèche plus activities for active 7 year old. I'm going to go look more closely....
Thank you

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 14:15

You should take someone with you on the holiday to mind the children...

I'll offer my daughter - French degree and nothing to do for a month or so!

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 14:19

Or my son, a music student, who'd take your kids AND your husband off your hands!

(Can't wait for a child-free house, can't you tell?)

dreamingbohemian · 29/07/2011 14:23

Try to find a place with a spa or massages available so you can get some 'me time' Smile

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 29/07/2011 14:46

Imperial send them round!
Dreaming oh yes!

Even looked at Siblu site as so much for kids to do I'd be happy just lounging with a book out of sight....!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/07/2011 15:02
NorfolkBroad · 29/07/2011 17:12

I met a gorgeous little boy the other day at dd's piano teachers house who had been on a Siblu holiday. He told me the best thing about it was the inflatable sumo wrestling suits he and his mum got to wear! Fancy that?!!!!!