To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

[Tuppenyrice]

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

I know you feel bad for ranting Tuppeny, but you really did try to hold it together, it's just that you don't have the energy for it any more. Do you have high expectations of yourself?

Lack of sleep is really, really awful. You can't think straight when you're that tired. I remember driving to work and thinking (on the motorway) I'll just have a little sleep and wake up when I get to my junction...

Are you taking care of yourself in terms of food and exercise? Is it that you have a problem sleeping or are the little darlings up and down all night?

YANBU!

This is about how you are feeling because of the extra pressure of caring for 3 lovely little ones.

Tell him how you're feeling but don't make it his fault cause someone has to bring home the dosh! Be positive and tell him what would make you feel better but be realistic. A day off every month for starters would help- sort out some childcare.

All the best!

I'm sorry you are having a tough day, I hope you can talk to your DP about all this soon

I know some people here have raised the possibility of depression, but a lot of what you describe are also symptoms of severe stress. Raising three young children is enormously stressful. In a lot of ways, you are probably having normal human reactions to a very stressful situation.

I just mention this because if that's the case, you don't need medication so much as changes in your situation to relieve the stress. You mentioned going to the library, going back to work, getting more help -- all these should help a lot.

I know you feel bad for ranting but, really, I think your DP needs to understand how much stress you are under and how it is making you not yourself. Perhaps you can talk together about what you can do as a family to reduce the stress. It's not about who has it worse or who's been unreasonable -- going forward, you need to have less stress to deal with. How can you make that happen?

There are loads of websites out there with tips to combat stress. Please don't be too hard on yourself or expect super-human levels of achievement, you are going through a tough time.

Hi all.
I wrote a huge post today but lost it somehow.
Had a very bad start to the day, felt very low and was aggressive with my son when he hurt his sister. I felt ashamed as it was but my mum witnessed me losing it and had some helpful suggestions for me such as "you should get out of the house with them more, besides the park."
Hmm.
Anyway I called the doctors and have an appointment for Thursday.
Dreaming - I think it is circumstantial (stress) but this appt. may help me (& those around me) to focus on the fact that I need more support.
DP just got home, we couldn't get a sitter so we're getting take out and having a chat once DCs are settled.
I feel a bit stronger knowing I'm about to try and tackle how overwhelmed I feel. If that makes sense?
Tried chatting to a friend today but she just switched it back to herself making me feel like a moaning Minnie so I'm sticking with you lot.

It's really important you let all these feelings out, Tuppeny. There are lots of people like your friend and it's really annoying trying to talk to them.

What are the ages of your children? Sorry if you've already said this. Do they go to school, play school etc? What is a typical day like for you? It's worse for you at the moment, I expect, without the structure of school.

Glad you're going to have a sit down with your DH, Tuppeny. Let us know how you get on at the docs on Thursday.

Have you considered letting your husband read your thead? You've written so much important information here and if you think that he will have a better idea of how you're feeling so desperate, it might be useful for you? Or not, carry on posting here regardless. :)

Enjoy your takeaway!

That's an excellent question from ImperialBlether actually... what's a typical Tuppeny day like...? :)

Start when you get up.... end when you go to bed.

Start to write down what you'll tell the doctor. Expect to start crying at the first sympathetic comment there. (For me, just being asked how I was would set me off.)

Does your doctor know about your earlier experience of depression?

I think depression can differ according to the time of your life. At your point you don't have the time to dwell on yourself so it's manifesting itself in anger and frustration, when before it may have manifested itself in sleeping a lot and being lethargic.

Write a list of all your symptoms and take it with you. If you start to cry, just hand the doctor the list. When his/her attention is on the list, you should feel able to mop yourself up.

I think you have to choose who to talk to about it very carefully, because the wrong person will make you even more angry and frustrated. This is how you know who your friends truly are.

Sorry to hear you had a bad day Tuppeny. I'm glad you're having a chat with DP this evening, let us know how it goes.

It's great that you're getting to the GP on Thursday. Tell him/her everything that you're feeling, no matter how "mad" it might seem. Remember he or she will have heard it all before and will see that you're not mad, you're just ill and if you give a full picture it will help the GP to give you the right sort of solution.

Is there any spare money that you could use to get someone in to help, a mother's helper perhaps? It seems to me that a bit of space just to lie down for a while might help a little. It might recharge your batteries that tiny little bit to help you cope day to day a little better. It won't solve things but it might do you a bit of good.

The kids are playing up downstairs!
That's a good idea to write a list of things to say to doctor. She's a middle aged mother of 3, I'm hoping she's going to be able to help.
I considered showing DP the thread but I can't...
Xx

Blimey, no, don't show your husband the list! It's private; if you thought he was going to read it you would write to a script. (Or is that just me?)

Waiting for food.....!
Lying (how do i do bold?!) suggested showing DP the thread.
I will give you a run down of a typical Tuppenyrice day tomorrow. Try not to fall asleep....

Tuppeny... Just a suggestion, that's all. If you want to do bold it's word ... just take out the spaces before and after 'word'.

Imperial... If Tuppeny can't tell her husband everything she needs to then how is he going to understand? This has been a nice thread actually, no sharp words, just support.

I know, Lying, but I think it might be better to come home from the doctor's and say, "I told her I'd been really awful lately" rather than say "I'm going to tell her I've been awful", when her DH might say "Yes, you do that" and the whole thing blows up!

I agree she should talk to him frankly. He sounds a nice guy and I'm sure she'll get some help and everything will be fine. It reminds me how stressful I found it - OP, it does get easier!

My sympathies Tuppenyrice. I understand how you feel. My ex DP was a musician and went on lengthy tours. It was incredibly difficult to cope with. I totally understand the sense of injustice and there is something particularly hard about being the one that is "left". My current DP (don't know how else to put that! you know what I mean!) works away half the week, every week and knowing that she is back for the weekends has been so much better. Once though, she was on a 2 week trip to the middle east and I was doing my nut trying to sort out childcare, work, her elderly mum when she called to say something had come up and she couldn't get back for another week. I was SO upset and angry! My friends thought I was being horrible! It is hard to understand unless you have been in that position. Hope things improve for you xx

The people who have posted about ExDPs have given me food for thought. I don't want to lose my relationship. I don't want separate houses and joint custody and all that scary shit.
This year has been the first time I felt our relationship was properly shaken. And it had been very difficult.
Anyway.., last night we had a big chat that went a round the houses and back again. I think I did off load a bit too much and was fairly critical of him and how he does things but I had had 2 glasses of vino

I found myself telling him how hurt I was after our first child was born (7 years ago).
My DP was young and not ready for kids but I had convinced him. So baby comes along and my world changed AS IT DOES and I struggled with it. DS was a wakeful baby who didn't settle well for naps or nighttime. Obv I found this incredibly stressful but although DP was great with DS he was shit with me. Didn't take care of me after the birth (was home within 8 hours of giving birth, out the next day, struggled with breast feeding etc etc) DP didn't know what he was supposed to do with me and when i complained he said "well you wanted this"
So all this came out last night and he was q defensive because he hadn't wanted kids that early etc etc
Then I talked about the big tour he went on when our second child was born when my father got ill and died and how abandoned I felt. I told him I was still upset about these times and possibly this recent trip has triggered all this huge stuff for me. I also mentioned that I'd really been feeling effected since my first childcare born and perhaps there was low level depression going on.
The talk wasn't perfect and I could express myself brilliantly and at times he was annoyingly defensive and closed.
Ultimately though we love each other and are not quite sure why or how things have come so much to a head. He suggested I take a break on my own to really get away from home life. We also want a family holiday. We talked about how we'd become co parents rather than partners and needed to make strides towards being a proper couple again.
We "reconnected" and then I slept better than I have in ages.
I feel much better today.
I'm not really sure what to say to the doctor tomorrow.....
What do you all think?
Was it just talk last night?
I'm exhausted even thinking about the steps I need to take to improve life.....

Typical Tuppeny day

If DP here he helps with all this except washing.
Get up 7ish get bottle for baby, have cup of tea, shower, shout at kids, get breakfast, dress little kids, put wash on, make beds, put washing away, clear devastation of breakfast up, see DS1 off to school (neighbour or DP walks him), DP goes to work, i take DD to nursery, take toddler to park, follow crazy toddler round climbing frames meant for 12 year olds, have 3 heart attacks, feel stressed in park unless other mothers I know are there, bring toddler home, or to shops when we need supplies, feed him, collect DD from nursery, feed her, put toddler down for nap, chill a little with DD who needs it (tv or books etc) hang washing out, cook food for later, get DS1 from school, come home, referee fighting, put tea on, tea, clear up, homework (if any) then clear away dinner stuff, bath the kids, put toddler down, read DD stories, then go spend time with DS1 then around 9pm i go downstairs and collapse. I don't iron, or clean anything other than kitchen and loos. Essentially I'm quite lazy. Never have energy and not bothered about going out.
We have friends with kids over at weekends for noisy BBQs and I'm q happy with that.

Are you still awake?!

Wow. No wonder you're exhausted!

It sounds like your talk with DP really helped, that's great. I think maybe you should go on a holiday just for yourself first, to recharge. If you know you want to make some changes but feel too tired, then some time to yourself to sleep and think and just 'be' would probably help a lot.

When you go to the GP I would ask if there are any physical factors that could be contributing to your lack of energy as well, like anemia or thyroid problems. I read on another thread recently about B12 deficiency, I have been taking B vitamins all week and they're amazing, I definitely feel less tired and strung out.

You can also find out from him what treatments are available for depression or stress, in terms of counselling, medication, alternative therapies, etc. You don't have to commit to anything right away, just find out what the options are.

Obv it's holidays now so I've got 3 muppets hanging round me 24/7.
I'm close to tears often and I get terrible pmt. I'll mention that. I'm a bit anaemic anyway but hate iron tablets. I take vit B6, sposed to help with moods haha
I guess what I'm saying is I realise that being upset or strung out or anxious about doing simple things like collecting kid from a playdate IS NOT NORMAL. However it has been my norm for years.

Hi Tuppeny, sorry to post about my ex DP like that and make you feel worried. It was a very complicated situation and not just down to her travelling. Our lives were basically going in different directions anyway. I am way happier now. It is a long story.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I hope you got on ok at the Docs. I suffered from post natal depression with my dd and felt similar to the way that you described, the tears and (the worst part for me) the anxiety. I only felt safe in my house or in one particular cafe in town. I used to rush there terrified........I don't know what of.....and then feel safe once I was inside. I never really sought help for this and I wish I had done so now. However, once dd was about 18mths old it lifted.

I am sure it was a hormonal thing and I know this sounds ridiculous but I have always loved singing and had a reasonable voice but after I had dd I literally couldn't hold a tune! It was the weirdest thing. I eventually googled it and found out the hormone levels can affect the voice etc. As soon as my depresson lifted my voice came back. Sounds stupid to say it but this made me feel better and convinced that hormones were to blame. It also made me wish I had sought help but I felt sort of embarrassed and scared to admit I was depressed. I have been fine ever since (dd is now 8)

Thinking of you and hoping you are feeling better today.

Oh Norfolk what a kind post. (do all feel free up applaud the fact that I can finally do BOLD!
That's fascinating about your voice. Could explain a few things in the pop world hehe

Docs is tomorrow...

Isn't it amazing how many people do get depressed after babies?
I keep thinking my God they'll be grown up in a heartbeat. Then of course I just cry even more....!

I was exhausted reading what you do all day, Tuppeny. I remember those days from when my two children were small - I couldn't have faced three!

I don't think you are lazy at all. I wouldn't blame you for not having a lot of energy; I'm not sure how many mums of three small children have a lot of spare energy. Do you feel like all the jobs are half done? I used to feel that - I know now it's normal but that was really, really frustrating. I'm not really houseproud but I was annoying myself!

You will feel much better once you've spoken to the doctor. I'm sure she can reassure you how common it is to feel like that.

Is there any way you can get into a routine of seeing friends in the park? I didn't mind going with mine, but it was infinitely better if a friend was going.

Good luck tomorrow.

Imperial I do feel like that - I like a tidy house though and find I'm constantly picking up after kids. Today I tried to let more go and spend time with the kids instead of clearing up but I had to do it eventually as I can't leave food everywhere and the toddler is a messy little darling.

I was less anxious today (sleep helped) but definitely feel I could feel better... Not sure what I want from tomorrow's appointment but we'll see.