To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

[Tuppenyrice]

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

My DH used to work away a lot, when the children were little, and I found it hard at times, but now the children are teenagers and he travels less, and TBH in many ways I miss it. I think you have had lots of good advice - to add to it
a) as others said, remember he's not necessarily having a wonderful time all the time either
b) there must be some things you like doing that he doesn't, be it jigsaws or certain friends or particular types of music or eating garlic or whatever. I found it really helped to think of the evenings alone as me time, when I got to choose what I did with no thought for anyone else - it made him going away seem like a treat in some ways - of course this may be hard if you get lonely easily, unless you have friends or family you can invite over
c) it will get easier. The children will get older and a) less demanding b) better company c) go to bed later.
d) if you really think you are driving him away, and you don't want to, then as others said, pull back now!
I hope you can resolve this - it's hard.

DreamingBohemian (great name) thank you. That is quite possibly the first time anyone has validated my feelings in regard to this.
But of course from his point of view he was providing for us. That big trip got us the house we live in now. It was a huge financial boost for us.
It's just that the timing was ridiculous.
And yes, I'm still hurting from that

He is a good man trying to do his best by us. He is also young (34 to my 40, don't worry I'm still hot ) and never had a serous relationship before me. We have been together for 12 years. I mention this only because sometimes I feel a bit sorry for him that he has had no freedom or experience of serious stuff with women. Blimey that sounds way more patronising than it's supposed to!

Ha, I'm also 40 with a DH who's nearly 34...great innit?

I think it's a tough situation because, of course, there are usually benefits that come from having a partner work away sometimes -- a bigger salary, a nicer house. And it must be hard to not always be happy with the situation, because it comes off as ungrateful.

But I've noticed on these threads that the usual responses are -- suck it up, he's providing for you, it has to be this way so deal with it, he's lucky to have a job, etc.

I just don't think that's fair. It's as if, as long as a man is 'providing for you', you should just stay home and be grateful. Never mind that you are 'providing for him' by raising his children and running the home. And never mind that many men are able to provide for their families by taking jobs that don't require working away, even if that means a lower standard of living.

It would be one thing if you were some greedy thing pushing him to work away for the big cash and then complaining about it, but it doesn't sound that way.

I'm not sure I could ever forgive my DH if he chose to work away rather than be there for the birth of our child. I mean, I guess I would have to, if I wanted to stay with him, but it would be really hard.

I do have a feeling though that things might really improve a lot overall if the two of you could get past this -- and I say the two of you because I think he needs to acknowledge that, however beneficial his working was, it still caused you a lot of grief that wasn't, really, necessary.

But I bet things will get a lot better when he's working out of the home. My DH will start doing so next month and I can't freaking wait

Tuppenyrice... You've had some great responses from other posters here. It's really interesting to see different viewpoints.

Dreamingbohemian picked up the really good point about the birth of your baby; I didn't register it that much, I'm sorry. It must have been such a difficult time for you. Does your husband know how much you hurt (and are still hurting) about that? Has he ever talked about his own feelings at missing the birth of his child or do you think that he just blocks it out in a 'manly' way, not giving it any thought?

You sound a really lovely person and I hope that you and your husband can get through this, you sound quite determined. :)

Get back to your writing!

Do you live near a library? If so, when he is back home, tell him you are going to the library three times a week, between Monday and Saturday. One morning, 9-12, 1 afternoon, 1-4 and one evening (they usually open late) from 4.30 - 7.30. He has to take care of the children during those times - that includes doing what you would normally do in that time, eg bathtime, lunch, evening meal.

Just realised he is going to work outside the home - I assume he's renting somewhere, then? If so, you can go there during those hours.

You will feel so much better if you do something creative. It's absorbing and you will feel you're doing something with your life.

Bloody hell, you lot are good.

DreamingBohemian, dream on. People, women or men, who are making a career have to take what they can, when they can. The suggestion that OP's DH could simply take another job with less or no travelling at a lower standard of living is out of fantasyland. I suppose he is supposed to do it Tommy Cooper fashion - just like that.

I want to know which band he's playing with!

'The suggestion that OP's DH could simply take another job with less or no travelling at a lower standard of living is out of fantasyland.'

I am genuinely curious why you think this way. I notice upthread you also said your wife had to put up with your traveling, so I imagine you are used to a higher salary and simply see this as a necessary part of life.

A lot of people are willing to accept lower salaries but less demanding jobs. Why is that a fantasy? It's the reality for us and nearly everyone I know.

I do also know people who used to have very demanding jobs and gave them up for a more balanced life. It's not always easy but it's hardly fantasyland.

I'm not suggesting the OP's partner give up his job anyway -- or anyone else, for that matter. I just don't think it's helpful to suggest that life has to be this way when it's actually not for many people.

When my DP was about to go on the big trip I was filled with anxiety and a friend said to me "oh for God's sake you should just tell him not to go."
I didn't though. And I'm no wallflower.
I didn't because it's what he does. And it paid for us to upgrade from a flat to a house ( there are 5 of us now so we needed to!)
He doesn't do it so we can have a flash life but we do live in an expensive area and it's hard work just getting by! We drive a crap car, put the kids in the local school etc. Neither of us is materialistic anyway. God knows some people some here are
point I'm trying to make is as a self employed person he can't guarantee income so tours are a great way of topping up the pot. Also he doesn't have a viable alternative. This is what he does. There arent really 9-5 jobs in music.
As I said before he hasn't been away since my DD was born 3 years ago. He's been around a LOT.
I need to get my own shit together. Get writing again.
Love that post telling me what to do re: the library.
Ok I'm going to read the thread again as there is so much here to think about.
Thank you, all of you. I'm humbled by your responses x

I hate to say it, but it's his job and it's not going to change... But what you can change is your reaction to it. My DH also works in music and also works away and it is bloody hard being the one who does everything all the time. I know for a fact that mu DH would rather be here than anywhere else in the world and that, as fun as the job can look from the outside, it is his work and he has to do it.

Having said that, I was absolutely adamant when we had the kids that I would still work and that therefore there was to be childcare in place for me to be able to do that properly, which we both pay for 50:50. That time gets used mostly for me to work, but also so I can go to the supermarket sans children, or catch up on housework or simply go and have my nails done. And I don't feel even vaguely guilty about that because he has downtime when he's away where he isn't looking after kids or actually working where he catches up on being him.

Is there any way you could do a swap with another mum so she takes the kids one afternoon a week and you take hers one afternoon a week, so you could get some work done? Worth a try surely?

Working is the way forward. My youngest is 18 months and a whirlwind. Be lovely to get a break from that

I'm going to make a plan tomorrow.
I've been picking holes in my relationship to the point of sabotage. I need a kick up the arse.
And I'm GOING to go to the library.

I wonder whether it's become a bigger problem because he loves his work? It might be easier having him working at home on something he really dislikes than something he loves! I can imagine that if I was at home doing the cleaning whilst my husband was in the same house doing something creative and fun, I'd find it harder to deal with than if he was doing someone's accounts and disliking every minute.

Same with him working away - obviously it's great fun as well as hard work and it must be hard for you to deal with that when you're doing boring housework.

The other thing that's worrying is that you have no couple time. You say he's well paid whilst he's away; I imagine his pay is sporadic. Is there any way you could siphon off £100/200 or so and have that as babysitting money, so that you can make sure you get some time off together? It would be nice to put it in a separate pot and think you can draw on it whenever you feel the need to be together. Do you have family nearby who can help out?

Or what about putting that money towards a cleaner? I bet you'd feel great if someone came in and blitzed the place, even if it was only once a week.

Soon things will get easier. Once you have regular fixed bedtimes (the earlier the better!) the easier it will be to spend time together.

Regular, fixed bedtimes for the children, I mean!

Imperial - thank you.
I have cleaner once a week. I have mother nearby who does take 1 of them off my hands sometimes which is great if sporadic. MIL can be great but has tendency to be miles away when I need her most. But her life etc...
The kids are in good routines but do play up at times when DP away as they probably sense my anxiety. So bedtime can be hell on occasion. I'm getting better at handling though.
This week I had some support from SIL who stayed over but I actually found that quite grating as she is young so doesn't get how much needs doing & made mess herself etc. I realise that sounds ungrateful but I'm trying to be honest. It made me realise an au pair is not for me! Finding the right level of help is difficult. Obviously we are in school holidays now too! So school nursery etc off.

I've been sinking under the weight of it all and yes I'm jealous ghat he gets his creative oats while I sweep up endlessly!
But only I can change that....

I think the people who think you can just walk out of your job and get another, slighly less well-paid but just a stone's throw from the house, ARE living in fantasy-land! My husband looked for two years for such a job in our local area (where I also work), before throwing in the towel. He now works away in the week. When I go up to the school, there are plenty of mums up there whose husbands work away, not doing glamorous sexy music jobs which pay for a house every time, but doing boring work like building, engineering, IT, ordinary stuff that doesn't even pay our mortgage.

I do think Tuppenyrice that you have every right to moan. It is so hard being on your own all week, even with a few extra pairs of hands. YOu can feel frustrated with the partner that is away, and like they are living the high life. The advice you have had about doing something for your own writing and career is excellent, that's what I do, write all week til my husband gets back and then have a nice family weekend together. I understand it is hard emotionally, but financially it is very nice to stay home, have a cleaner, and have a lovely house, so I do think trying to balance up the positives and negatives (and not fantasise about being married to a bank manager who works down the road- most people in London still commute a couple of hours a day you know and may not be there for bedtime!)

What time do the kids go to bed?

I wrote a novel one summer, when my children were aged 10 and 8. I wrote from 9 pm - 11 pm every night without fail. 1,000 words per night. I did it for 80 nights on a run and ended up with a complete novel.

Obviously I had to edit it, but did that during the same time, 9-11 pm.

The book didn't sell, and I know now why it didn't, but that summer was one of the best of my life. Everything mundane slipped away.

The reason I'm saying this is that you could start to look on your husband's absences as a positive, in that they allow you to do something creative, rather than just mourning him. Couldn't you think, "Oh I'll miss him, but hey, I'll have written 8,000 words more by the time he returns"?

The other thing is, perhaps you shouldn't text him in the latter half of his trip, if you know you will only make him feel guilty and yourself feel worse. Why not give texting responsibilities to your 7 year old? "We are all missing you" is a lot different to a much longer text from you, berating his absence.

My son (aged 19) is a musician and he would LOVE to be touring! He's also very, very paternal and would love to have a family (not yet, I hope!) I told him about your problem and his first response was "God, it must be AWFUL for him to be away from his family." Your husband will have mixed feelings about being away - try not to make him feel worse about it. If he has to be away, it's better he enjoys it, isn't it?

If your children are playing up, start to film them. Ask whether they want THAT film to go to their dad or one of them playing nicely.

ImperialBlether, that's what I do, look on my husband's absence as time to get work done! I just do 'work' and 'children' and we eat beans on toast and stuff like that a lot. It is satisfying to do your own work, although I think Tuppeny's children are that bit younger so collapsing into bed may be more realistic at that age than sitting down to write. But it is definitely something to look forward to as the children get older, and something to 'book in' in a planned way so that both of you are getting some creative/work time.

Do you think a big part of the problem might be loneliness? If DH is away and you have small children you are presumably stuck in the house a lot of the time with no adult company, and/or little choice of who it is when you do get company (i.e. you might be able to have your mum or someone round but it's not so easy to get out with friends). Meanwhile you probably feel like DH is out "living it up" with famous musicians, which I imagine must rub it in a bit. If you can find ways to get out more or invite people over more, would that help?

If you are feeling lonely then this is also likely to encourage you to "rant on" a bit when you do get to talk to him, but he may not understand that he might be the only adult you could have a proper talk to all day, and therefore might be less sympathetic than he could be. A good chat when he is home might help him to see where you are coming from.

Also I wonder if you could manage to get away for a weekend sometime while DH looks after the children? It might help you catch up with your sleep (lack of sleep IS horrible!), have a bit of an "adventure" of your own for a change, and DH might get a bit more understanding of how you feel when he is away.

Well I'm not sure. Other people 'letting off steam' when you are in the firing line is pretty unpleasant. And he might well be tired too.

I think all the advice on here is good. Don't focus on him. Focus on you and what you can do to make your life easier.

Hope things improve soon.

How old is your youngest?

Reading your later posts I wondered if PND might be an issue?

And get some childcare in place - perhaps just one day a week to get away from home and the children!

I seem to say this a lot so please ignore if you think I'm way off the mark, but do you think you could be depressed? You mentioned feeling conflicted about your DH, thinking back to things that happened in your childhood, feeling down etc and the overall tone of your posts, the fact that you're searching for something to make you feel better but very little is working, would signal to me that you might be suffering from depression.

A few questions might help you figure it out:

Do you find it difficult to enjoy things, even the things that used to give you pleasure?
Do you lack motivation to get things done and feel overwhelmed by even small tasks?
Have your eating and sleeping habits changed - are you eating/sleeping too little or too much?
Do you find yourself having repetitive thoughts about things that bother you, and feel like you can't stop thinking these things?
Do you find it hard to imagine how things might get better for you?

I'm not saying you're definitely depressed by the way, but it could be a factor. Definitely your situation is a very difficult one and it would be completely normal for you to feel overwhelmed. What worries me is the sense that you have other feelings going on in the background that are making an already difficult situation worse.

You also mentioned that your DH is critical of you when he's at home - in what way?

My dh worked away Mon-Thurs every week for 5 years when mine were little.

tbh I saw it as having one less person to look after.

I think if your partner's work demands they travel they you need to find ways to manage that. Making plans of what you'll do during that period always helps.

In our family it is DH that is usually away but this weekend it was me. It did him no harm to see that it can get pretty tricky at home