To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

[Tuppenyrice]

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

I'm crying as I write this because you are all hitting all the nails on all the heads! I know everyone says this but I'm truly grateful to you all for taking the time to respond. And all of you are so articulate and considered.
But enough about you

Boy 18 months girl 3 boy 7.
All dynamos. (exhausting).
What child isn't?

I've been severely depressed in the past, long time ago, and that was so debilitating that in comparison I'd figured I'm not now. But I think I am - just more mildly.
I'm wary of medication though as I hate the side effects.

I answered yes to all those questions especially the lack of motivation.
Reading about writing a novel made me want to lie down. After they're all in bed I go to bed myself (9ish) with a snack & mumsnet.
High life eh?!
I deeply regret ranting at DP as I felt it showed only 1 side of my experience and I sensed from him that he's starting to feel he can't take anymore.

Shall I go to GP or HV?

Can it be PND if my youngest is 18 months and I was baby mooned up with him u til he started moving and therefore became a burden. (guilt emoticon).

Yes I know I'm lucky to stay at home in a nice house in London etc but if I'm not able to sit up and enjoy it I need a shake up.

I thank you all x

OP, you have my sympaths ... my DH is in the army so inevitably works away for long periods of time. Even when he's not deployed he does a lot of nights away and will only see the children for perhaps an hour per day during the week. He earns a lot more than I do, so it's not something we can easily change, but like you I was getting seriously resentful and lonely (and I only had 2 under 18 months at the time, can't imagine doing 3). I resented, and do still to some extent, the situation - and I realise that I sound unreasonable but it's very hard to help what you feel.

Going back from maternity leave helped loads - others are right to say that work can, for some people, confer a greater sense of purpose and self-respect (and work is always somewhat physically and mentally easier than being at home, for me). We also decided to host an au pair, and she provides adult company, helps entertain the kids and lightens the load of housework considerably. I enjoy having someone to eat dinner with each evening, and I enjoy having someone to pitch in when the children are ill or I have a big deadline coming up. An au pair isn't the solution for everyone, but it has certainly helped me ...

Hi OP, besides figuring out how to make it better for yourself, you also need to think of the impact on your DP of how you handled this.
I used to travel a lot with work when my DC were young. DC were about 1 & 3 at the time and I was travelling about 1-2 weeks out of 4. My DH worked part time, and we didn't have any family close by, so it was seriously challenging for my DH when I traveled.

However, DH used to go off on me on the phone when the frustration got too much for him. I found this so unfair and deeply upsetting, I used to dread ringing home. It soured our relationship a bit for me, and I've never really gotten over it. I could understand the frustration, but not why it had to be taken out on me. I would never bring this up with DH, I've put it behind me, but it is still there somewhere at the back of my mind.
So I'd advise talking to your DP and clearing the air, and give him a chance to forgive you for it. Incase he feels anyway like I did.

tuppeny - I was diagnosed with PND when DD was 12m old. I refused to take aDs for another 3m because I didn't want to

I don't like ads either - I am just coming off citalopram now - but sometimes they are a useful option,.

Definitely time to go the GP I think Tuppeny. It doesn't matter whether it's PND or not, it has the same effect. If you've experienced depression before you know that while all the suggestions here about getting out, writing a novel, etc are all lovely and helpful but just won't work until you have your head a bit more sorted. Take a breath. Give yourself a break. You're not well, and you're coping marvellously for someone who is ill and alone with 3 small children.

The situation with you DP is difficult but it's not the main problem. The main problem is that your energy is sapped and you're exhausted. You need to get help, now, before it gets worse and you end up back where you were before. Tell DP, honestly, how you're feeling. Tell him you think it might be depression. It's the same as any illness and needs treatment.

I've been there too. It's hard. You know it will get better. It doesn't feel that way now, but it will. But in order for that to happen you need to get help. Keep chatting here if it helps :)

I was diagnosed with PND when my son was nearly 2. I told the GP that she had a number of choices:

a) take my son away from me
b) put my son on medication
c) put me on medication

I was sort of joking but not really. She said, "Well, let's start with you, shall we?" and gave me HRT. Within a couple of weeks, I couldn't believe I'd said that about having him taken away from me. My son used to "nag" me to death and I couldn't bear it - felt like I was going mad. Once I was sorted out, he didn't do it again. I think my mind was all over the place and he was desperate to attract my attention.

Please see the GP. Just explain to him/her as you have to us. You'll soon feel better and able to cope.

Cut back on your messages and phone calls to your partner. He can manage without them, but if you send the wrong sort, you'll both feel awful.

And about the writing - it's a way of getting into another world, isn't it? It gives you something else to live for. Why don't you, when you go to bed, come on MN for half an hour (time yourself) and then write something, anything, for another half an hour? Write about happy times in your past - your first kiss, your first job, times in school when you'd laugh till you cried. Don't write about worrying things, not at that time of night.

That made me laugh so much about the options.
And I know I have to talk through how I've behaved as this is a huge crack in our relationship. No wonder he never bothered to propose.

Shame is consuming me. This morning my 7 year old son was singing (which he does ALL THE TIME) and I sort of snapped and screamed at him. It's the noise. THE NOISE!
rationally i know I know I know it's just kids and that's fine but honestly sometimes I feel I'm going mad.

Ok I'm going to find some time to get to the GP.

Good! Glad to hear you are going. So much you have posted resonates with me. Best of luck x

But the thought of drugs worries me....

dreamingbohemian there used to be an idea - still is to some extent - that some jobs are "men's work" and others are "women' work".

Do you want to go back to that only with some jobs being regarded as fit only for people with no family responsibilities?

I'll add that I know loads of blokes who work as crew ok tours. Lots of them have kids. It's really tough on them & their partners as it is constant absences from home. The ones left behind struggle. End of, though of course some manage better than others...
I do wonder if it takes a certain person to be able to do that job.....

Popped back to this thread OP. My dsis was married to a musician who played in a fairly well known band so I have a pretty good idea of whether it's like for you. He was on tour all over the world for months on end, sometimes only home for 2 weeks every 4-5 months. They had no kids (just a dog!) but it was hugely hard for her. They drifted apart, neither chose to work at it (she should have gone on a leg of the tour really) & sadly it ended in divorce.

If your relationship is worth fighting for, don't let it slide like my poor dsis... wishing you all the best.

OP, I'm glad you are going to the GP, I hope it will help.
Try not to worry too much about the medications, many people take them with few side effects and they may really help.
You could also try counselling without the medications -- no one is going to make you take them.

I know what you mean about the NOISE. I am a writer myself and sometimes I think people who spend a lot of time in their own minds are particularly sensitive to noise and external chaos (I know, that may be utter tosh )

Andrew, I'm not sure I understand how you got that question out of anything I said, and I don't want to highjack the OP's thread. I was just disputing the idea that it's impossible to support a family without working long hours and/or travelling. Obviously some career choices require this, but not all. I only said this because I don't think it's helpful to tell someone to suck it up because it has to be this way, I think it's easier to come to terms with something if you see it as a choice that you have made because the benefits outweigh the downsides.l

Dreaming we are not that far apart - not enough as you say to justify hijacking the thread (although I disagree with your spelling!). Let's leave it there. Regards.

I do feel for you because my husband is a crown employee and regularly goes away for long trips without any contact. I know it is hard. Maybe, if you can, you should try and sit down and have a proper heart to heart.

Oh FFS, I can't believe I wrote highjack A bit distracted at the mo.
Cheers Andrew

Glad to hear you're going to the GP Tuppeny. The feeling of going mad is pretty typical for depression - when I was depressed noises used to cut through me like a knife, some loud noises would actually cause me physical pain.

It's normal to worry about medication. The only advice I can give there is to give whatever the GP might prescribe you a go, give it a few weeks and if you find the side effects too much or you feel they're really not working then go back to the GP and ask for something else. There are lots of meds out there and each one is slightly different - it might take a while for you to find the right thing.

To those of you who say you had PND, did you feel the way I describe?
Since you've suggested this might be the case with me all day I've been hyper aware of my behaviour and reactions to events. For example at dinner time I was making a pudding with the 7&3 yr olds as they'd requested supposed to be fun. I was so irritable and stressed because the toddler kept crying. I just wanted him to shut up. Now i know that's not an abnormal response but really I wanted him to SHUT UP. The noise etc. I controlled myself and kept things going but it felt ugly in my head. I thought to myself I should go to work and let someone else do this. Someone who would be nice to them

Did you feel like this? Lurching from loving it to irritation to anger to guilt to shame?

Yes, it's because there's so much stuff going on in your head, you literally can't cope with the outside world as well.

Try to do something that will amuse him, like getting your 7 year old to sing a song or do row, row, row the boat or something like that. It will give you a couple of minutes on your own to think straight.

Or try something to get them out of the room - "The first person to fetch me my slippers gets a tickle" etc. Once they're out of the room, slam the door and put a chair up against it for a minute or two!

YAB a little bit U.
My dh travels for his job. I am also a sahm with 3 children. Ages 11, 9 & 2.
It does get on my nerves sometimes esp when jobs away are last minute.
He has currently been away a week & might be back by Friday.
It pays the bills though...

G&T I cannot read your PM

He got home last night.
It felt very distant.
Obv he was tired.
But he was up and out today to work. So, no reconnect, nothing.
Left feeling empty to be honest.

:( Sorry to hear that Tuppeny. It might be worth setting a time when you're both free, perhaps when the children are in bed, to sit down and have a proper talk about things?

Tuppeny, can I ask you this - please don't take offence. What were you like when you spoke to him/sent him messages? Did you make it hard for him to be away? (I know that it was much harder for you, being left with the three children.)

All I'm saying is that if you were a bit unreasonable in your calls/messages, isn't it possible he was fed up of that, rather than fed up with you?

Look back at your call history. How many times did you call him and out of those times, how many times was he made uncomfortable with being away? Do the same with your texts.

He sounds (from what you said earlier) as though he's quite easy going, so if he's in a distant mood now, do you think you are in any way responsible? (I'm not saying you are, it's just better to consider it.)

I am completely responsible. For the first 8 days I was lovely
Then it got too much. I got irritable with my SIL who came to help and the lack of sleep sent me into a rage and in one call & a few texts I ranted at him. If I could've held on just a bit longer I'd have come across as superwoman not PND woman.