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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so resentful when my DP travels with work?

258 replies

Tuppenyrice · 24/07/2011 10:56

He's a musician so he tours. I'm a SAHM who does occasional writing work. We have 3DCs (7 & under) so life is busy.
He's away now and we are rowing a the time because I feel so tired. I don't sleep well so I feel crap in the daytime and find parenting very difficult when this tired. I know it's my job to parent and run the house but if I let off steam surely he could just let it wash over him or tell me what a fab job I'm doing? Or AIBU?
Be gentle.....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 05/08/2011 16:10

Tuppeny, it was an easy novel to write as once I had the idea, I had the whole story from beginning to end. I also had a couple of friends online who were reading it as I was writing it, so I'd have to send them a chapter a day, or else they got stroppy!

I only have two children - a third makes a big difference and probably would have finished me off!

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 06/08/2011 13:13

Ok tell me this is the right thing to do.... Booking 8 days off as family - travel to inlaws place in the SW stay 1 night to break up journey then onto Cornwall to family friendly hotel with indoor & outdoor pools, activities and meal times for kids etc, stay 5 night's there then back to the stopover house for 2 night's then back home. Then DP has another trip. As UK holiday cheaper than abroad we will book a grown up weekend for sept/oct. If not then I will go for a spa break alone.

OP posts:
katkitya · 06/08/2011 13:25

I've just got back from Cornwall. It's very beautiful, I don't know about it being cheaper than going abroad though!! It cost us over a thousand for a yurt. It's a bloody long way so, a stop over is a good idea. Hopefully the weather will pick up for you as it was abit rainy when we were there. Any break is good, though. Have you looked into getting an aupair yet?

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 06/08/2011 14:37

Hi Kat no not had chance yet but I shall...
Yes Cornwall v expensive £1500 for 5 nights in non high end hotel. But there's food and kids stuff.
How was your break?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 06/08/2011 14:51

That's fantastic! When are you going?

As long as you can afford it, don't think about the money - just think that you won't have to think about what to cook, shop for it, cook it and wash up the dishes. You can't put a price on that!

Cornwall is beautiful. Try to get down to St Ives - only 30 miles from Newquay (if that's where you're going to.)

katkitya · 06/08/2011 14:59

Dont spend too much time in Newquay, I thought it was dismal. Funnily, it reminded me of a friend who is a musician for some bloody reason I kept thinking I'd seen his band there. It reminded me of one of those morning after the night before places. Beaches great though. We were in Perranporth, the most gorgeous beach Id ever seen. Take a bat and ball!! its not a roundabout and candyfloss kind of place (I almost missed that) but, theres loads of exploring to be had.

katkitya · 06/08/2011 15:05

Next time, if you dont want to travel too far, my friend has been going to this place since she was a child and now she takes her own babies there. Absolutely loves it. St Annes is supposed to be proper old fashioned seaside to.

www.dalmenyhotel.co.uk/hotel.html

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2011 15:16

She's in London, kat; it would be just as far!

LessonsinL · 06/08/2011 15:45

YADNBU :) I'm in "the business" myself and also tour. I get to hear it from the other side, and am usually the one suggesting how their DPs at home might feel.

If it's any consolation, touring isn't all fun and games, it is work and it's bloody hard. I don't know if he's band or crew, but either way, please feel comforted in the fact that he's probably either jetlagged or shattered after a 3am lobby call when the show finished at 12am :D

I hope you get to resolve things, had a skim through the 10 (!) pages and looks like things are working out for you :)

katkitya · 06/08/2011 16:22

Whats a lobby call? Isnt everyone drunk by then? Wink

Sorry OP, I thought that when you said you were stopping off in the South West you mustve been driving from the North. My link will be no good for you, then. Mind you I bet the same hotel in Cornwall would be twice as much. You'll have a lovely time where ever you go. Are you all in one room? five of us in a yurt was quite interesting!! Its amazing how little ones can sound like old men when they are alseep Smile

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 06/08/2011 17:16

I've got an apartment suite (get me!) with a sea view. There'll be 2 bedrooms a lounge lots of stuff there for kids. I'm quite excited now. Even if it pisses down I'm not moving my butt for nobody. Ha. I'll be keeping you all updated anyway.....

I know the touring is hard work, (he's band.) But it's also fun and adult. I think I need a job. When i was having my 3 rd baby I watched the midwives on the front desk chatting and I felt so envious of that sense of belonging.

But I digress.....

I love that this thread is attracting so many interesting people.

OP posts:
kitya · 06/08/2011 17:23

You know, its never too late to train as a midwife? They like the more "mature" students. All the ones I know manage it because they have aupairs. Think about it. Yep, the band, it isnt really hard work is it? rehearse at 4pm, go on at 9pm, aftershow til twelve, drinks with your mates and bed. Then again the next day. Its not the same as been up half the night and, never getting a break!!

Enjoy your holiday. Talk some comfy shoes!!

kitya · 06/08/2011 17:27

take not talk!

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 06/08/2011 17:30

Let's talk au pairs.....

OP posts:
kitya · 06/08/2011 19:02

It would have to be through an agency. My friend was successful finding an Australian girl on Gumtree. Ive no personal experience. Why dont you start up a thread in the nanny section? I know the right one can be a life saver. Have you got family that can muck in also (you see, I already have you at uni doing your midwifery).

ImperialBlether · 06/08/2011 19:42

Do you have the space for an au pair?

LessonsinL · 07/08/2011 02:33

I don't know what professional tours you've been on, Kitya, but you'll have to introduce me to the MD as that schedule sounds brilliant! :p

kitya · 07/08/2011 07:07

It was a very make environment

kitya · 07/08/2011 07:12

Male!

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 07/08/2011 13:47

We've got the space now I've kicked DP out to a studio elsewhere (he was driving me mad working from home) but I'm not sure I can handle another person living with us despite knowing it makes sense on paper. Perhaps a good nanny 1.5 days a week might be better. Blimey why can't I make a decision.
I'm meeting a nanny this week to discuss short term summer help. She wants 2 half days or 1 full day. Might be good to have her around at tea bathtime for that slog. The other day she could do a morning take them all out give me some elusive peace. It's pricey though £10 an hour....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 14:03

I wouldn't want to live with anyone else, not unless everyone in the house was an adult.

You haven't had teenagers yet, but it's so frustrating - you go to the fridge, it's empty, you go to bed and you're woken three hours later, they say they'll be in at midnight and they're not, so you're worrying. Their idea of the dishes being done doesn't matter a normal person's. And to INVITE someone in!!!

Here's an idea. Every sixth form student is looking for a way of making a bit of extra money. What about looking out for one who could come to your house from 6-8 pm every day? You could pay £10 per two hour slot. It's the sort of thing my children would have loved to have done (and don't forget they're normally on £3 something per hour at that age.)

When I went full time I had two sixth formers pick up my kids from school and come home and make their dinner and do the dishes. I came home at about 6pm and it was all done. It worked really well and they enjoyed playing with the children.

Another thought - if you went through the local sixth form you could ask them to recommend girls/boys who wanted to apply for teacher training. It would be excellent experience for them. This wouldn't help over the summer, unless you know someone who is in that position now.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 14:04

You don't really need a nanny if you're going to be there, do you? Just someone young and enthusiastic with good manners, that would be fine.

dreamingbohemian · 07/08/2011 14:05

Could you do a nanny share? There is a section on gumtree in london for people looking for nanny shares, for example some people have a really good nanny they want to keep but they only need her for 3 days so they advertise for someone to take the other 2 days.

I would rather put the money toward a part-time nanny than a full-time au pair, you are more likely to have someone with proper experience and you don't have to have a complete stranger living with you.

So what are you going to do with the spare room, if you don't get an au pair?

You could turn it into a playroom for the kids, make it a really fun place, that might buy you some peace during the day as you won't feel you have to entertain them all the time.

Original poster
Tuppenyrice · 07/08/2011 21:56

I think you're right imperial but if they're safe with a proper nanny I could get out to the library....

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 22:42

That's true! We need to get you to the library three times a week from September!

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