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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:
CrapolaDeVille · 18/07/2011 08:22

i would be tempted to tell his mother that he can come if she does.....

MumblingRagDoll · 18/07/2011 08:23

YABU.

He could have SN or have a bad home life.....invite him and watch him like a hawk....all kids deserve a chance. Next year you can think again.

bubblesincoffee · 18/07/2011 08:23

If you are going to have a whole class party then YABU.

I don't believe in forcing children to have others that are mean to them at their party, but you have the option of having a smaller party.

This boy is presumably only 5 or 6 himself, it is not right for you to upset him because of this.

Your ds has to be given the choice of having this child there, or having a smaller party.

TartyMcFarty · 18/07/2011 08:24

YABU not to give him the benefit of Tue doubt at least once. You only have to look at the threads on exclusion to understand why. If you really don't want him there then don't invite all the other boys. Could you perhaps chat to his parents about his behaviour, then give them the invitation both to sweeten the blow and in anticipation that they will address the problem with him before the party?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/07/2011 08:24

Did your DS go to the other boys party? If he did, I think it would be unfair to exclude him from your DS's party. If he didn't, well....I never force my DC to be friends with anyone.

Jelly15 · 18/07/2011 08:25

I couldn't leave just one child out. Did your son accept the invitation to this boys birthday party? If he did it would be two faced to not invite the boy back. Just keep a close eye on this boy at the party.

MrsCampbellBlack · 18/07/2011 08:26

I think you do need to invite him.

And I'd rather he was there minus the parents as would pull him up on any nasty behaviour.

Its hard though for your DS - we've had similar this year with my eldest - thankfully he's in a different class next year.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:27

Yes he did go. I have put an invitation in DS's bag for the boy which prompted tears from DS because on Friday the boy was calling him 'freak' and screaming at him Sad

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 18/07/2011 08:28

You cannot leave one child out. You need to explain to your ds that if he has all the boys it needs to be ALL of the boys, otherwise, you can have a smaller party with just some of the boys. You also need to reassure him that you will be on top of this child and you or dh will ensure that he does nothing at all to spoil ds's birthday. You then need to make sure that one of you does keep an eye on him.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:29

I did feel sorry for the boy but I must admit my patience has worn out, I am sick of my son taking the brunt of his behaviour, it's not fair

OP posts:
usualsuspect · 18/07/2011 08:32

Don't have all class parties ,saves a lot of party angst

MumblingRagDoll · 18/07/2011 08:32

It's a life lesson for DS.....being the bigger person is not easybut it is the right thing to do.

The little boy must have a crap life....where is he getting things like "freak" from? Home probably. Leaving him out is just reinforcing the negativity.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:35

He is very 'spoilt', for want of a better word, by his parents, who will buy him anything. He doesn't have any brothers and sisters of his own so perhaps hasn't had to learn to get along with other children? I really don't know.

OP posts:
Baileysismyfriend · 18/07/2011 08:36

As your DS went to his party you have to invite him, why did your DS go to his party if he doesn't like this boy?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 18/07/2011 08:38

Yeah, if your DS went to the party, I'm afraid you can't then not invite the child.

littlemisssarcastic · 18/07/2011 08:39

You both seem really unhappy to be inviting this boy, so why don't you just have a smaller party, then DS can choose a few of his favourite friends to go???

MumblingRagDoll · 18/07/2011 08:39

Just tell DS that you will be watcching the boy and wont let him be mean...you'redoing the right thing...hard as it is, it's about social duty when they're this little.

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:40

I did try to reason this with DS. I think I'll try and talk to him again later

OP posts:
Geordieminx · 18/07/2011 08:41

If this kid is so horrible to your ds the WTF did he go to his party? Talk about two faced! You don't like him, your ds doesn't want him at his party but you are prepared to accept his hospitality???

No chance. You tell your ds to suck it up unfortunately, it's one of life's lessons.

sunnydelight · 18/07/2011 08:44

If your son went to the other boy's party I don't really see how you could even think about not inviting him. Leaving just one or two kids out when it's a whole class party just isn't on anyway IME which is why it's a bad habit to get into.

It is your child's party so I think it is fair enough to have a zero tolerance for any personal nastiness, keep an eye out an intervene if necessary but don't start the party determined to find fault. At the end of the day you are the grown up so should be able to be firm without being unkind.

pigletmania · 18/07/2011 08:52

Yanbu at all, why the he'll should your ds invite a boy that bullies him and has made his life at school bad. Some kids are plain nasty they don't necessarily have to have SN. I am speaking as someone who had SNs at school and have a dd with SN. I was only invited to 2 parties in the whole of 7 years. My behaviour was not bad, never hurt anyone, just I was developmentally delayed and the slowest in the class. Just have a few friends and a small party.

yoshilunk · 18/07/2011 08:57

OP If you're going to ask for opinions and advice then maybe hang around a bit and listen to it before acting?

In less than 10 minutes you went ahead and upset your DS by inviting the kid anyway Confused Grin

Original poster
DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 09:01

yoshilunk - No, I didn't. I put the invite in DS's bag which prompted tears from DS and me starting this thread

OP posts:
CQrrrneee · 18/07/2011 09:01

I hope he's not the only child not invited. If so, then that's not on.

'He is very 'spoilt', for want of a better word, by his parents, who will buy him anything. ' How on Earth do you know this?

RMutt · 18/07/2011 09:06

Yanbu.

I can see you may have weakened the case by ds going to his party but then again I don't always reciprocate invites on a tit for tat basis alone.

If a friendship has massively cooled off over time/several months between parties, which tbh does happen, then I wouldn't. If the boys party was only recent then that's trickier and I think you might be more obliged to invite him.

At least if he comes to your ds's party you can keep an eye on the situation; get his mum to stay if possible.