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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:
pigletmania · 19/07/2011 09:17

No posie that you can't have your cake and eat it! But I think it was the op fault for allowing her ds to go to this boys party in the first place. As I said they should have a smaller party without inviting this boy

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 09:18

I don't get why people talking about "excluding" him. Is there some law I don't know about that says you must invite all the boys in the class? Not inviting someone to a birthday party is not excluding them.

ThePosieParker · 19/07/2011 09:24

But this child is six and his mother convinced him to go. Often children that are bullied try to be part of the gang. I'm not sure I'd want to teach my child that even when someone is a complete shit to you you must share their special time. Although we did have the class bully to a party and she was awful, jumping infront of photos pushing my smaller siblings. In the end I had to give her time out.....after many nice and then stern tellings off.

I wouldn't do that again. I would either insist the parents come or tell them why he wasn't invited. Either way it's awkward for the OP but then she did make her DS go to the bully's party and so the consequences are hers to swallow.

ThePosieParker · 19/07/2011 09:25

children, not siblings....that would be weird.

SenoritaViva · 19/07/2011 09:28

Halcy I think people generally think for parties you

a) invite the whole class (excluding no one)
b) invite just the boys (excluding no boys)
c) invite all the girls (excluding no girls)
d) you invite some of the class (excluding half or more roughly so that it does not appear personal)

That seems to be the kind of unwritten rule. There's also been horrors about children handing out invites in front of other children and then one child being excluded (seems to happen all the time around here).

I am of the belief that if they do decide not to invite the boy due to his behaviour last week that the OP should tell the boy's mother why so that the boy can understand the impact that his bad behaviour is having on things he might want to do. Otherwise the mother and son might be left thinking 'they invited every boy except mine from the class and we don't know why', lots of threads about this and heartbroken mothers and children.

SenoritaViva · 19/07/2011 09:30

Posie I agree, although she could refer to his behaviour last week as a reason for not inviting him.

NorthernerAtHeart · 19/07/2011 09:31

I am amazed at the number of people who say this boy should have the child he doesn't like/who bullies him at his party!
Surely it is his party, and he is entitled to have fun without being worried about what the other child will do.

I would have thought the best solution would have been to rethink the party, limit the numbers and therefore have several children not invited rather than 1 if you don't want to leave one person out. Obviously too late for this now.

And don't send invites into school! Hand them out to the parents then the kids who don't get them don't feel bad at school.

ituneless · 19/07/2011 09:34

Posie !!!

Haven't seen you round these parts for a while, - lovely to see you Smile

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 09:58

That's true Señorita. I wouldn't invite all the boys except one but OP doesn't have to go for option b) she could just invite a few of the boys or invite a mix of boys and girls. I can see no reason why she must invite a boy her son doesn't like but it can be done in a way that doesn't make it look obvious. Although if invitations are put in book bags then sometimes children don't even know that someone is having a party and they're not invited.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 10:34

The Op was wrong for allowing him to go to the party. She did not do the right thing

porcamiseria · 19/07/2011 11:02

either have a small intimate party, OR invite him. I would err towards having something small then you have no qualms

fucking kids parties UGH UGH UGH

MorelliOrRanger · 19/07/2011 11:25

Don't invite him. It's your son's party, why should he worry about having someone there he doesn't like. It should be a fun day for him.

He's very upset about it, that should be enough to tell you how strongly he feels about the situation.

I wouldn't even explain unless his mum asked me either.

Though you did make a mistake in suggesting your ds went to this boys party even though he didn't really want to.

ragged · 19/07/2011 12:31

Full Credit to PosieP for being the bravest person on the thread.
Odds are high that the other parents have no idea that their boy has said or done anything that upset OP's child so much, or at least not recently.

Sorry if the "suck it up" comment freaks you all out, but as parent to many a drama queen, I don't credit a few tears from a nearly 6yo as much to worry about.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/07/2011 12:43

I'm not sure I understand the logic of not inviting other children because you don't want to invite the bully? So 'Joe' and 'Sam' who aren't best friends of the lad in question but are perfectly nice boys don't get to go because Adolf is such a horrible child but we can't possibly leave him out on his own?

begonyabampot · 19/07/2011 13:25

whatever the reason, it is horrible to invite all the boys except one - they are 6 yrs old. I think for this time i'd invite him and have a word with the boys mother explaining the situation and see if she wants him to go under the circumstances and supervise him herself to make sure he behaves. I'd really struggle to exclude one boy like this and unfortunately this mother didn't realise it was an issue until the plans and invites had been made.

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 13:36

Thinking about it logically, I don't think it would occur to a five year old that they were the only boy not invited unless it was a very small class. They might hear some of the other boys talking about the party but are they likely to realise that they are the only boy who wasn't invited?

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:06

Very unreasonable.

You can't invite all but one. End of. No discussion. To do so would make YOU worse than the six year old boy involved.

LittleOneMum · 19/07/2011 14:18

Oh bloody hell, OP's son is 6 years old. The thought of this boy coming is making him cry. It is is birthday. Ring the parents and say that as the boys appear to have fallen out, you are not inviting him. end of. Jeez.

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:25

To leave one child out, no matter what, is bang out of order.

With so many other kids at the party, the OP's son can give this kid the major bodyswerve at the time.

You cannot leave one kid out!!

Well, you can....if you're an idiot that allows a six year old to dictate to you.

MorelliOrRanger · 19/07/2011 14:31

But it's his party Pictish. I agree maybe if the invites haven't gone out yet then don't invite some of the other kids either, but if they have then its tough. I wouldn't invite someone who was constantly causing issues with my son. But then I'd never do full class parties either.

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 14:39

I thought the whole point of having a birthday party for your child was for them to have fun with their friends, not have to spend the whole time trying to avoid somebody that keeps being nasty to them? It's enough to have to put up with him at school without having him spoil the birthday party.

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:40

Neither would I to be honest with you....but I am absolutely resolute on this one. You absolutely cannot ever invite every kid in the class to a party except one. No way!

If this were my son, I would say 'well son....sometimes we have to put up with things we do not want to...and this is one of those times....I know you can't bear him, and I know he has been awful to you. I don't like him either, but to leave him out would be mean, and unlike (child concerned) we are not mean, are we?'

There are no circumstances to my mind that warrant one six year old not being invited to the party.

SkelleyBones · 19/07/2011 14:45

I would cull a few others that you don't like the sound of or your child doesn't like so it's not just one that's not invited.
Out of a class of 30, 20 is just fine IMO.

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:46

Yes - if you really cannot bear to have this lad there, then the party must be scaled down I'm afraid.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/07/2011 14:46

Really, no excuse at all? I'll admit we're not at party stage yet. My 3.5 is going to her first ever birthday party in a couple of weeks but from an outsider's POV, if my child was left out of a party and I suspected he might be a bit of a little sod, then it might spur me on to do something about it.

I think it would teach a child that his feelings are secondary, even to those of a bully. That's not a message I want to give to my child.