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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite this boy to DS's birthday party?

144 replies

DarlingDuck · 18/07/2011 08:19

DS is 5. There is a boy in his class who is often very unkind to DS and the other children, we have had to go into the school about 4 times because of it and it made DS's first year at school really awful. The boy is in DS's group of friends although says mean things and hits/pokes them all regularly.

DS's 6th birthday is coming up and he is adamant he doesn't want this boy to be invited although all the other boys in the class are going to be. The boy had his bday a few weeks back and DS was invited. I have reasoned with DS but he just really doesn't want him to come, AIBU not to invite him?

OP posts:

pictish · 19/07/2011 14:52

Nothing to do with having his feelings come second to a bully's.
It's to do with basic decency and having the dignity to rise above being an asshole.

halcyondays · 19/07/2011 15:02

The whole class hasn't been invited Pictish, it's all the other boys that have been invited, so there are other children in the class who haven't been invited.

Gwendoline, I wouldn't want to give that message to my child either. If your child has their feelings dismissed after begging you not to invite someone who has repeatedly been nasty to them, they will think there's not point in confiding in you when they have a problem. Eventually they will lose their trust in you, maybe in later years they will be the victim of more serious bullying and they will think there's no point in telling you, or other problems they may encounter growing up.

pictish · 19/07/2011 15:03

And to add - I DO completely understand the reason for not wanting to. I wouldn't want to invite the little scrote either...but I would invite him if every other kid in the class was going too.

I simply could not allow a six year old dictate my moral code on this - birthday or not.

It's some, or ALL. Not all except one. Not ever.

ThePosieParker · 19/07/2011 15:03

thanks ragged.... I think!!

pictish · 19/07/2011 15:05

Ah well...if there are other kids not invited then that is grand. Doesn't matter if the other ones uninvited are all girls. If there are others not coming along then leave the lad out.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 15:54

Maybe that will teach the boy a hard lesson and to think about his behaviour and how it affects other kids

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 15:56

I think that the op has already handed out invites so it's too late to adjust things. But yes it will teach that little bugger a very hard lesson

pictish · 19/07/2011 16:15

I think IF the lad is the only class member not invited then the OP and her son are no better than bullies themselves. I would no sooner allow my son to leave one person out, than I would allow him to thump kids at school.

Earlier in the thread the OP mentions how she 'tried to reason' with her son. He is 6...he has no idea about doing the decent thing. You do not 'reason' you TELL.

And no - it won't teach that little bugger a very very hard lesson. Again, the children concerned here are 6. If anything, it will teach both boys that being mean and petty is acceptable.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 16:43

No he is not the only class member not invited, just the only boy. The op organised things really badly and she can only learn for nex time

pictish · 19/07/2011 16:44

In that case it's ok. If there are other kids not going then at least no-one is being singled out - and that's the important thing. Otherwise all is well.

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 16:47

And you can't blame op ds he only 6! It was op bad organisation and letting he ds go to the boys party

pigletmania · 19/07/2011 16:49

Yup it's only boys going so there are girls not going

pictish · 19/07/2011 16:59

That's totally acceptable then.

CQrrrneee · 19/07/2011 17:16

leaving out just one boy is mean

Lulusi · 19/07/2011 17:43

Let's remember this is the one day of the year that you want to see your child happy, the day he is the centre of attention and hopefully gets his birthday wishes. Further, given all that he has been through with this boy, this is the one opprtunity that he has control over his situation re the bully - and presents a way in which he personally can deal with this boy. To then go agaiinst his wishes, might result in your DS feeling betrayed by his parents and probably lose confidence in you helping him deal with bullying or other abuse in future. Further, if not invited, the bully will learn that there are consequences to his abusive actions. However, with decision-making comes responsibility and the need to be reasonable/rational and your son needs to learn this. Therefore, he has to be told that inviting all but one may not look good or fair and that he may have to consider the comprise of inviting just a few close friends. If he can't choose a small number, you should encourage him to think of how what conditions he would be willing to have the bully attend the party - this would still give him a sense of control over the situation.......

charleneanne · 19/07/2011 18:05

leaving out a nasty little bully is not mean at all many years ago i was in same situation but it was a whole class party for my son hired out school hall complete with bouncy castle but it was the worst party ever kids couldny enjoy themselves and the little shit kept going onto and under the stage and when i told him to please get off the stage at the tender age of 7 he turned to me and said make me so i say leave him out even if he was the only one dont ruin your sons party or birthday its not worth it and little bully boy might realise that if he bullys then he loses out on party invites

berylmuspratt · 19/07/2011 21:22

I can't understand why your son went to this boy's party if he dislikes him so much?
Personally I'd make the party smaller as I'd feel mean just leaving one child out.
My ds doesn't have brothers and sisters but seems perfectly able to play and get along with other children very nicely.

Nanny0gg · 20/07/2011 00:04

So what did you decide to do OP?
(And imo leaving out one boy is the same as inviting the whole class bar one. Not really very kind).

girlywhirly · 20/07/2011 11:44

If the invitations are already sent, The OP will just have to hope that the horrid boy is away on holiday and unable to attend.

If he does come, she could take him to one side and warn him firmly but pleasantly that she will not allow anyone, including the boy, to call names or hurt any of the people at the party; making it plain that this is the only warning he gets and his parents will be called to take him home if anything happens. A lot of boys will do as they like if they aren't given boundaries and rules.

The OP must be careful to get all the parents phone numbers, mobiles and landline, to contact in emergency, she can say this to the horrid boys parents as a way of making sure she can contact them in the event of an incident. She must also be completely honest about why she has called them when they come to take the boy home, say he was warned and still misbehaved.

It could be good for DS to see that his Mum will stick up for him and the other partygoers, and the horrid boy might just behave if he knows where he stands and won't be allowed to get away with anything.

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